Dealing with colleagues that ask intrusive questions

[Quirkyme]

Good evening,

Recently started a new role, and I have a colleague that asks me intrusive personal questions. I understand that people may usually ask a new person questions, however, when she does it it is like the Spanish Inquisition!

In my experiences, I've noticed that it is older women who tend to do this, people often old enough to me my mother - I'm in my late twenties. In the past, I've literally had to tell a colleague to mind her business (not quite in those words)because she would ask questions and then give her unsolicited opinion every time we came in contact with each other.

I feel there's a difference between people asking questions to be friendly within reason, and someone asking question after question, to delve deeper in my personal life .

I'm quite assertive, and have no issue not sharing information that I don't want to, or that may be sensitive, however, it is still annoying as hell.

In my experiences, I've noticed that it is older women who tend to do this, people often old enough to me my mother - I'm in my late twenties. In the past, I've literally had to tell a colleague to mind her business (not quite in those words)because she would ask questions and then give her unsolicited opinion every time we came in contact with each other.

If you perceive this has happened to you so many times, that you can then come to a conclusion that it is "older women who tend to do this" then I'm going to suggest that your perception of what a personal question is, is different from what most people think.

I've never had people asking me intrusive personal questions on a regular basis. I'm absolutely open to the fact there are people that do, but not in such an abundance you could form an opinion about a subset of people who do so.

As others have suggested, perhaps you could give us a few examples of this general office chit chat personal interrogation ?

@TillyTopper

There are 2 ways round this that I use, depending on my mood: Either I give non-committal and unspecific answers if they ask anything and carry on with my work or be shocking with the answer.

I went to the office a few weeks ago and there is a new lady there, she was nattering away to the person opposite me and I couldn't concentrate so I already had the hump. She was talking about her daughter who might be having twins (doesn't know yet) someone mentioned "Oh Tilly has twins!". Later when I was waiting for a meeting to start she came into the room where I was (literally opened the door even though she could see on screen I was waiting for a meeting" and started asking me about twins... "Yes I do have twins, but I'd better get on with my meeting now..." then she said "Did you have IVF?" I mean wtf? I replied "No, but I do like fucking. A lot". She left. She didn't say anything to me when I went in last week. Job done.

Aye course you did

I'd say 'well I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you! Then laugh hysterically. Or answer with a question to her 'Why, did you do that when you were my age?.Either should do the trick. Or just be very vague. Hopefully she'll get bored.

@Ariela

I tend to deflect and ask questions back - open ended questions: how what where when why ones that can't be answered yes or no and then I'd have control of the conversation so I am the questioner and in control of the conversation

SO (NL = nosey lady)
NL : tell me, how long have you lived in x town then?
Me : Oh a fair while, how about you?
NL: uh, all my life
Me : So you grew up here, which school did you go to?
NL: Hetty High School
Me: Oh I've heard that's a really good school, what were your favourite subjects?
NL : um German and Chemistry

etc

A useful phrase of mine is 'that's an interesting question' and I also like to use 'I could answer that a number of ways' or 'I'm not sure you'd be interested in my somewhat boring reply'

I find this extremely weird.

If I asked someone how long they had lived in x town and they avoided the question, I would think they were rude/odd/bad conversationalist - most probably all three.

I can't see how asking how long you've lived in a place is being very nosey. I'd think it was small talk. Have I been wrong?

@Brefugee

YABU because of the casual ageism.

Grow a backbone: "that's personal" and get on with your work

👍

The thing is OP, there is a range of what people consider to be personal questions versus just making conversation. Some people on here seem to think that asking normal questions about your life is rude, whereas I think avoiding those is rude and suspicious, eg where you went to school, how long you have lived somewhere who you live with. Other people, especially ones who are generally happy discussing their own medical issues, think it's fine to ask others about theirs. You need to adopt a strategy for whatever type of question in the workplace you're not comfortable answering that doesn't come across as rude or judgemental. For me when I was younger, I didn't like colleagues asking me how many children I was planning. I always said "I guess we'll have to see how things turn out". You could try non-committal things like that.

I have had to find polite ways to tell a colleague like this not to ask me about my personal life at work. It was endless and intrusive, and she simply had no real insight that it was making me uncomfortable or that this wasn't a normal level of sharing between colleagues. All our conversations were incredibly one-sided with her asking me questions.

In the end I basically had to shut down any chance of a friendship, because there was no middle ground.

I ended up having to clearly state that I would only focus on work at work and I think it made me seem very straight-laced and a little stand-offish, but it was the only way to deal with it.

@GreenWheat

The thing is OP, there is a range of what people consider to be personal questions versus just making conversation. Some people on here seem to think that asking normal questions about your life is rude, whereas I think avoiding those is rude and suspicious, eg where you went to school, how long you have lived somewhere who you live with. Other people, especially ones who are generally happy discussing their own medical issues, think it's fine to ask others about theirs. You need to adopt a strategy for whatever type of question in the workplace you're not comfortable answering that doesn't come across as rude or judgemental. For me when I was younger, I didn't like colleagues asking me how many children I was planning. I always said "I guess we'll have to see how things turn out". You could try non-committal things like that.

We actually have a policy in my workplace about how people should approach colleagues and that you should think about the kinds of questions you are asking.

Asking how many children you are planning is absolutely not appropriate. It is really on your colleagues to know that and they shouldn't ask. It's rude and likely to make people uncomfortable.

You can ask people basic things of course, but generally you would wait for people to open up and share about family/ children if they want to, rather than bombarding them with questions.

As pp have said I think a lot depends on the type of questions you are been asked ,
where do you live ,
how long have you worked here ,
what did you do before ,
do you have any pets ,
whats your fav film / song / band
are all absolutely fine

If you have instigated the conversation -
are you married / how long for
do you have DCs /how old
How many brothers / sisters do you have

are ok too but not as rapid fire questions

She can do one if she is asking
How often do you have sex
Why havent you had any DCs yet
You should try IVF
Do you think you / your husband will / has had a affair

I think the worst personal question I have been asked was ,
Her - how long have you been married
Me - 18 yrs
her - are you still happy
Me - we were but I am widowed now ( I should of told her to mind her own rather than answerer )
Her -oh are you dating again , do you think you will marry again
Me - I cant believe you have just asked that ! , I walked away from her , she tried a few times that day to approach me but I just ignored her / walked off

I totally understand where you're coming from OP as where I work people are asked very personal questions all the time. In one way, it can be nice as we all know each other very well (too well in some cases!) - on the other hand, very off putting for someone who starts working there. It is very much a goldfish bowl and often drives me nuts.

I'm an older woman, and the nosiest and most intrusive questions come from other women aged from 42 to 60. Of course the age is relevant to the OP.

My ex-boyfriend was very private and hated people asking him intrusive questions.

He used to deflect by saying "are you the Gestapo?" or "even the Gestapo wouldn't ask me that". Or sometimes "do you not think that's very personal?".

Another option is to repeat the question back to the nosy person, Eg
Me : did you really just ask me how many IVFs I've had?
Nosy : yes.
Me : shake head with incredulity and walk off.

Seriously??!!! Why is everyone so outraged that the approximate age range of the people in question has been indicated? Old/older isn’t a dirty word. It would be different if OP said “all older women do X Y Z”. Surely people can tell the difference?

because it's part of a pattern of boringly regular age-bashing on here. It's a constant drip drip drip.

As usual, and with about 90% of what gets written about on MN - clear communication is the answer. Politely decline and either change the subject or don't talk to them. But don't come back in 6 months moaning that you feel excluded while the older ones talk among themselves (presumably about their knitting)

@Jacaranda75

Oh God, this is me. I think it’s because I have a tendency to over share very personal information.

Making a mental note now not to ask people personal questions.

Are you an older woman, though? They seem to be very problematic people...

Seriously, just develop some assertiveness and either give a polite non answer or bat the question back.

@Brefugee

Seriously??!!! Why is everyone so outraged that the approximate age range of the people in question has been indicated? Old/older isn’t a dirty word. It would be different if OP said “all older women do X Y Z”. Surely people can tell the difference?

because it's part of a pattern of boringly regular age-bashing on here. It's a constant drip drip drip.

As usual, and with about 90% of what gets written about on MN - clear communication is the answer. Politely decline and either change the subject or don't talk to them. But don't come back in 6 months moaning that you feel excluded while the older ones talk among themselves (presumably about their knitting)

Yes please more clear communication. Some people just have different boundaries than others. I grew up with women that openly talked about miscarriages - it took me a while to realise that that's not the case in the normal UK (by reading online) and luckily saved myself and someone else embarrassment. Sometimes people's style of talking is different - they might be pushy, but also expect some push back. It's the conversation style. Just don't do it in a presumptive patronising way or dodge the question. "I don't want to talk about if that's okay" Giving lists of reasons may sometimes imply that you want a conversation about it or solutions. Just change the subject.

@Rangoon

I can't see how asking how long you've lived in a place is being very nosey. I'd think it was small talk. Have I been wrong?

No, its a totally fine and normal conversation starter.

If the person is a chatter they will respond and open up to you, maybe about where they lived before or why they moved here etc. Of their own accord I mean, without a rapid fire of questions.

If they are not a chatter they will just answer 3 years or whatever and not offer anything further, at which point I take the hint they don't really want to talk much.

You could just say 'that's a very personal question!' and look surprised.

Or lighten it with a bit of silly humour if appropriate, 'that's very personal, are we dating?'

Or just go for, 'oh, why don't you tell me about yourself / what you think about that?' which is often what people really want.

Can we have a couple of examples of the kind of questions being asked? It’s difficult to comment without knowing how personal they actually are? Are you being asked about your personal/social life ie if you have a partner? Do you have any siblings? Or are they really intimate? If not have you thought maybe they’re just being friendly and showing an interest in you? Old enough to be your Mother means she can’t exactly be decrepit as you’re only young, your post sort of implies she’s ancient

Just say….”well, that’s a verrry long story and we don’t have the time right now…work and all that 🙄”
Suggests to me these people are a bit lonely and need to get a life.

Seriously??!!! Why is everyone so outraged that the approximate age range of the people in question has been indicated? Old/older isn’t a dirty word. It would be different if OP said “all older women do X Y Z”. Surely people can tell the difference?

Nor are "black", "woman", or "disabled" dirty words, but if they were constantly being used when they aren't particularly relevant to the thread and keep being used in a pejorative context, they become discriminatory. The age and sex of the people asking weren't relevant to OP's question, we all know perfectly well that it certainly isn't just older women who ask lots of questions, but she chose to have a little dig at them anyway. And it doesn't make it any better that she didn't claim that all older women do this. Think about it - suppose I posted something saying "I've noticed it's mostly members of XYZ minority group who steal" it would be just as offensive as saying "all XYZ people steal".

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

Always listen and speak to the older generation. They are full of wisdom. They aren't afraid of the truth. And they actively take an interest because they have wisdom and truth to share. You can learn a lot by opening up.

Your in your 20s. You're young. Either tell her you don't want her to know or open up and let go of the ego.

Yeah, right.

@Nietzschethehiker

Bloody hell to the poster who says that young people should ask their elders questions, don't say that I don't want anyone asking me questions! I just want to be left alone. Not to mention someone trotting up to me seeking the wisdom of my years ....I mean I know quite a lot about zombie Canon in films? I've also read quite a lot about fungi, outside of that my wisdom is not particularly helpful if I'm honest, and certainly not forthcoming.

OP you were a bit silly to comment on age, I mean did you not read the name of the forum ? Hardly likely to go down well.

That said it really is nothing to do with age, nosy arses are just that. They witter on all over the place. I'm not a fan of being asked ....well pretty much anything, so just raise an eyebrow roll your eyes and give a vague answer. They get the message after a while.

For goodness sake don't bugger about with the ifs ands and buts. Some will insist that they are just being interested or nice but noone is after the first hint. If they were nice , the first time you socially batted them away they would shut up and respect your privacy.

What did you think to Black Summer?

What sort of questions?

I am an 'older woman' at 63 and I have a few younger women working with me (actually they are volunteering so they don't have to be with me at all). We do tend to chat and I might ask the about A level choices, Uni applications etc ... I don't ask about their love life of course. None of them seem to object, they all come back for more volunteering- including those who have left for Uni .

Some people are very prickly about making general social chit chat ... and are often the first to complain that they 'can't make friends'. I am pleased to say that as an older woman I have plenty of friends .

However if you are being asked about IVF, why you don't have DC, your sex life etc that is totally inappropriate

I thought we were long beyond not knowing how to say no to a question. Didn't you young UN's learn this in school?

Do you have a boyfriend? Make slightly cross eyebrows and leave a pause of awkward silence. "I don't talk about my personal life at work."

Did you vote Brexit? Let's leave politics out of work.

Which vibrator do you use? That's a very inappropriate question for work.

She's not a dotty gran you need to tiptoe around, she's just a dull workplace gossip with no boundaries. Put her in her place and get on with things. Don't fall for her trap, either.

Thought you youngsters had had all your assertiveness training and shit.