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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum telling people about my pregnancy

61 replies

videovixen · 15/11/2021 19:18

I found out I was pregnant some months ago and I decided I wanted to keep this pregnancy quiet from friends and family for as long as possible (different to what I did with my first pregnancy.) I said to DP I'll probably tell my family when I'm around 20 weeks and we've found out the gender. I also had a really bad birthing experience first time round so I wanted my initial appointments with the Midwife, Consultant and in my case, an Anaesthetist so when I told people the news, I could also tell them the plan for the birth to avoid any worrying.

Anyway, one day I was with my mum and decided to tell her but told her not to tell anyone else. I thought she should know a couple months earlier before everyone else. Since I've told her she's told my grandma (apparently she thought that I said it was okay to tell her, I certainly did not,) she's told a good friend of hers (who I've only met twice and wouldn't even recognise her on the street,) this friend then went on to tell my auntie as it apparently 'slipped out' and now my mum has told her best friend.
So four people now know something incredibly personal about me and my mum's taken away the opportunity for me to tell my grandma, my auntie and my mum's best friend (not bothered about her other friend.)

This seems to be a constant issue in my mum and I's already rocky relationship. If I tell anything to my mum it's like she has to go and repeat it so someone, especially her best friend. She says her best friend is her support system, they speak everyday and that's why she always tells her things, regardless of whether I want that information to be shared or not. Now that's all good and well that my mum has a support system but why does she need to share my business with someone when I've explicitly asked her not too? It's as if my request for her to keep it to herself doesn't matter, as long as she has someone to talk about these things with.

I find it so infuriating especially as I'm trying to maintain a relationship with my mum for my DD's sake.
Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to rant, my mum has been doing things like this since I was a teenager but I thought my wishes would be more respected seeing as I'm an adult now. Clearly not.

What are other people's views on this?
AIBU to be annoyed or is she being U in not trying to respect my wishes. As I said we've had a rocky relationship for years so my feelings tend to be biased due to the past

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 15/11/2021 19:25

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect her to keep it a secret for so long, she’s probably excited.

Also sex not gender.

StripeyDeckchair · 15/11/2021 19:29

Given that your mother has form for telling people everything why did you tell her?
You know she won't keep it to herself.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/11/2021 19:29

You aren't unreasonable to want your mum to respect your wishes, and telling people about a pregnancy is a very personal thing.

But if she's been like this all your life, then I guess you have to make the decision not to tell her anything you don't want her to spread around. You KNOW she won't keep your confidences and that is very unlikely to change.

PingedPotato · 15/11/2021 19:31

You know not to tell her anything else now

Original poster

videovixen · 15/11/2021 19:34

Sorry, I meant when we find out the sex of the baby.

I know!🤦‍♀️ I honestly thought she would keep it to herself because of how bad the birth of DD was the first time round. I really thought she'd understand why I wanted to keep it quiet for so long and just respect that.

Another reason I told her is because she was saying how traumatised she still is after witnessing certain things during my labour when she was my birthing partner. She has really bad anxiety and always thinks something bad is going to happen to DD and I due to our experience. That was another reason why I gave her a heads up so she'd have more time to process the news and hopefully be less anxious regarding this pregnancy. It's just so annoying that she can't keep things to herself, I should have just told her at the same time as everyone else!

OP posts:

shampooing · 15/11/2021 19:34

You can't change your mum's behaviour, you can only change yours. So stop telling her things because you mistakenly believe she has any right to know.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request to ask someone to keep this news, or anything else, to themselves, but when you know she has a big mouth then you need to use your judgement.

Congratulations and hope all goes more smoothly this time.

WindyWindsor · 15/11/2021 19:35

I completely understand wanting to keep the news to yourself and not wanting others to share it

But, If I tell anything to my mum it's like she has to go and repeat it so someone, especially her best friend.

Sounds like it's not surprising and you're not that surprised that she's done this. It was probably to be expected if she has a pattern of telling people things. If she always fails to keep stuff to herself then I think it's being slightly unreasonable being so upset she's shared your pregnancy news. I completely get not wanting others to share the information before you do though.

WindyWindsor · 15/11/2021 19:37

I just read your update OP, sounds like things were traumatising last time round and I see why you wanted to give your mum a heads up. I have my fingers crossed for you for a smoother ride this time.

HeddaGarbled · 15/11/2021 19:42

It’s too big a secret. She’ll have let it out in unguarded moments. If you want to keep a secret, keep it yourself - don’t leak it selectively. And forgive your mum for being a fallible human.

phoenixrosehere · 15/11/2021 19:42

Why tell her if you know she has a big mouth?

When people show you who they are (including family members) believe them.

Your mother is never going to change and you have to accept that. She has shown she can’t keep things private so don’t tell her anything anymore. Is she someone that is attention-seeking?

FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 19:44

Thing is you also couldn’t keep it a secret, hence why you told your mum.

Original poster

videovixen · 15/11/2021 20:13

My second post explains the reason why I felt like I should tell my mum. Even though I know she always tells people my business, I just thought this would be the exception.
I see now that I was wrong in thinking this.

@FreeBritnee I told my mum because of the reason stated above. The only other person I've told is my DP actually

OP posts:

shouldistop · 15/11/2021 20:19

Well you know who you won't be telling when you're in Labour.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/11/2021 20:21

I think it’s fair enough for her to tell one person, as it’s hard not having anyone to tell. But telling all of those people seems a bit unfair.

I kept my second pregnancy secret ish until 20 weeks because my eldest had some heart problems detected at 20 week scan, and I wanted to wait until I knew all was ok (or not, but at least I’d know). I told a few people but not work and only very close family and friends.

phoenixrosehere · 15/11/2021 20:37

I honestly thought she would keep it to herself because of how bad the birth of DD was the first time round. I really thought she'd understand why I wanted to keep it quiet for so long and just respect that.

I get it OP. We didn’t tell either of our parents until 22 weeks with our second due to comments after our first from DH’s side. I would have happily just showed up in my third trimester when we visited them. They asked why we didn’t tell them and we said because of what happened last time. Whether they said something to DH, I don’t know and don’t care. Plus, I know for a fact despite how we get on (never argued and cordial) my MIL is a gossip and both her and FIL talk about their children’s spouses so wouldn’t tell them anything unless we felt it necessary. My mother can keep things to herself but my dad is a gossip so I would tell her before I would tell him however if I say specifically don’t say anything, he won’t because he knows he’d get an earful from my mother.

thewhatsit · 15/11/2021 20:42

Hmm you’re not U to be annoyed but it sounds like you knew telling her was a risk and you decided to go for it anyway, understandably because it’s happy news you wanted to share. You say you have a rocky relationship but obviously you do spend time alone together and she was even your birthing partner. If you feel that she may hurt your feelings or be less than supportive I think you need to distance a little from her.

Landof · 15/11/2021 20:44

I do think it's slightly unreasonable to tell people if they can't then tell people til 20 weeks personally. I understand not mentioning until 12 weeks though

Viviennemary · 15/11/2021 20:48

You sound really hard work for an adult. I find all this my pregnancy is a big secret nonsense a bit mystifying.

Original poster

videovixen · 15/11/2021 21:11

@Landof

I do think it's slightly unreasonable to tell people if they can't then tell people til 20 weeks personally. I understand not mentioning until 12 weeks though

Other than my DP the only person I've told is my mum and I'll repeat this again, I've stated why I told her in my second post. I didn't go around telling the whole family and then go, 'oh but don't mention this to anyone until I'm 20 weeks' lol. No one else knows, my mum was the exception for a valid reason

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 15/11/2021 21:16

I just wouldnt tell her anything I didnt want the world to know..
I would also get another birthing partner... cant believe she is telling you SHE was traumatised... hardly supportive... and I am sure you were feeling fantastic!!!

Original poster

videovixen · 15/11/2021 21:18

@Viviennemary

You sound really hard work for an adult. I find all this my pregnancy is a big secret nonsense a bit mystifying.

I sound really hard work for an adult? Wtf😂

In my first paragraph I've literally stated why I've made the decision not to tell people which is different to my first pregnancy where I told my family straight away. Due to having a traumatic birth with myself nearly dying and baby getting ill, I'm not just gonna shout it from the rooftops that I'm pregnant without feeling reassured that the correct provisions are in place first.

Nowhere did I say my pregnancy is a big secret. I'm annoyed that my mum has told people when she knows the reason why we purposely haven't told people yet. If you read the first paragraph and maybe had some empathy, you could understand that we haven't announced the pregnancy due to a previously bad birthing experience.
It's not that hard

OP posts:

Chloemol · 15/11/2021 21:21

So now you know not to tell her anything you don’t want others to know

If she complains just tell her it’s because she has proved time and again she can’t keep her big gob shut, and yes I would use those words

HeyFloof · 15/11/2021 21:22

@Landof

I do think it's slightly unreasonable to tell people if they can't then tell people til 20 weeks personally. I understand not mentioning until 12 weeks though

Why? It's not their news to tell.

Ops mum was asked to keep it to herself and she didn't, she betrayed OPs trust.

Original poster

videovixen · 15/11/2021 21:25

@Bonbon21

I just wouldnt tell her anything I didnt want the world to know.. I would also get another birthing partner... cant believe she is telling you SHE was traumatised... hardly supportive... and I am sure you were feeling fantastic!!!

I definitely feel for her as she saw me go through a lot (extreme blood loss, neglect from the midwives at the hospital etc) so I can imagine she is actually traumatised.

What's funny is she told me that she also told her best friend because she's been stressed out about my pregnancy. I just thought I'm the one that had multiple surgeries and was in hospital for a week straight last time, how do you think I feel😂 I'm scared shitless lol

OP posts:

HeyFloof · 15/11/2021 21:26

@Viviennemary

You sound really hard work for an adult. I find all this my pregnancy is a big secret nonsense a bit mystifying.

Anxiety, previous loss, bad experience in pregnancy and child birth, PTSD.

All of these are reasons why people keep their pregnancies to themselves. It's not always a pleasant, exciting experience being pregnant.

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