Mum telling people about my pregnancy

[videovixen]

I found out I was pregnant some months ago and I decided I wanted to keep this pregnancy quiet from friends and family for as long as possible (different to what I did with my first pregnancy.) I said to DP I'll probably tell my family when I'm around 20 weeks and we've found out the gender. I also had a really bad birthing experience first time round so I wanted my initial appointments with the Midwife, Consultant and in my case, an Anaesthetist so when I told people the news, I could also tell them the plan for the birth to avoid any worrying.

Anyway, one day I was with my mum and decided to tell her but told her not to tell anyone else. I thought she should know a couple months earlier before everyone else. Since I've told her she's told my grandma (apparently she thought that I said it was okay to tell her, I certainly did not,) she's told a good friend of hers (who I've only met twice and wouldn't even recognise her on the street,) this friend then went on to tell my auntie as it apparently 'slipped out' and now my mum has told her best friend.
So four people now know something incredibly personal about me and my mum's taken away the opportunity for me to tell my grandma, my auntie and my mum's best friend (not bothered about her other friend.)

This seems to be a constant issue in my mum and I's already rocky relationship. If I tell anything to my mum it's like she has to go and repeat it so someone, especially her best friend. She says her best friend is her support system, they speak everyday and that's why she always tells her things, regardless of whether I want that information to be shared or not. Now that's all good and well that my mum has a support system but why does she need to share my business with someone when I've explicitly asked her not too? It's as if my request for her to keep it to herself doesn't matter, as long as she has someone to talk about these things with.

I find it so infuriating especially as I'm trying to maintain a relationship with my mum for my DD's sake.
Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to rant, my mum has been doing things like this since I was a teenager but I thought my wishes would be more respected seeing as I'm an adult now. Clearly not.

What are other people's views on this?
AIBU to be annoyed or is she being U in not trying to respect my wishes. As I said we've had a rocky relationship for years so my feelings tend to be biased due to the past

Ok thats up to the individual then so why ask.

My mum told lots more than just 4 people 😂 I don’t think you can keep it on lockdown for that long. I appreciate it was traumatic for you first time round, it’s deffo your choice but equally I don’t think any of those people knowing is going to change your birth experience second time round. I also think that in some ways I found keeping a big secret added to the pressure. In future I think you need to not tell anyone including your mum if you really don’t want to tell anyone anything. I do think as grandparents they have the right to tell their own friends etc and enjoy it, but only when you feel you are out of those early stages; say 14weeks +. X

@Viviennemary

Ok thats up to the individual then so why ask.

Ask what, sorry?

Anymore for anymore?
Genuinely interested in hearing people's opinions on this

My mum did the same thing and then I miscarried a few days later so her telling people really didn't help the situation. Should I fall pregnant again I will not be telling her till I'm ready to tell everyone.

You need to let her know its upset you and ask her to not tell people your private news again.

You know what she is like and chose to tell her anyway.

It also sounds like it's worth not having her in the delivery room this time - if she was that anxious last time.

@Bonbon21

I just wouldnt tell her anything I didnt want the world to know.. I would also get another birthing partner... cant believe she is telling you SHE was traumatised... hardly supportive... and I am sure you were feeling fantastic!!!

Ever watched your daughter give birth?

You are EXTREMELY emotionally involved so if the birth is difficult and/or dangerous, then of course you're traumatised!
Obviously it's worse for your daughter and her partner but you're worrying about your baby and hers.

You seem to be being given a bit of a hard time in my opinion, OP. I’d be really upset/angry too. Good luck with the pregnancy. X

I actually think you are being unreasonable.
I don’t get the secrecy- up to 12 weeks yes, but beyond that, no.

My mother s not a keeper of secrets.
But that's fine- I just don't tell her anything that I don't mind being broadcast to the world.
She has been like this since my teenage years- I remember her excitedly telling the postman that I had started my periods.

When I have been pregnant my mother is told the same day that it becomes public knowledge.

How many months are you? Are you not showing yet?

Bit baffled about some of these responses here. You have a perfect right to tell people about your own pregnancy as late as you want. (We had a woman at work who told her boss and no-one else, the rest of us had to pretend it wasn’t happening.) And if you tell someone a secret and you ask them not to tell anyone they should absolutely respect that.

I would never trust her with anything I tell her ever again, and would not be sharing anything with her that I wouldn’t be happy for the world to know. And I’d tell her that too.

And I’d tell her that too.

That doesn't work when dealing with a narcissist.
If I told my mother I had stopped sharing secrets she would become hysterically upset.

I just don;t share- no need to announce.

My mom insisted she should tell my sisters when I miscarried 'in case it ever came up in conversation'. They didn't know I was pregnant but I gave in because I didn't want to argue.

She then used the opportunity to brag to them that she was the only person who knew when I was pregnant.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Bit baffled about some of these responses here. You have a perfect right to tell people about your own pregnancy as late as you want. (We had a woman at work who told her boss and no-one else, the rest of us had to pretend it wasn’t happening.) And if you tell someone a secret and you ask them not to tell anyone they should absolutely respect that.

I’m not. Only with pregnancy do people feel that a pregnant woman must disclose her own private business regardless if she wants to or not and shouldn’t expect someone to keep it a secret even if they said they would. Heaven forbid people have a preference on when to disclose something about what’s going on inside their own body.

I think you were very kind to tell her.

Perhaps it would have been even kinder to allow her to share the news with just one person, her best friend, given how worried she'd be.

But perhaps it would have been wisest not to tell her at all, given her track record.

Either way, you haven't done anything wrong. Your mother has. I'd be wary about trusting her with any more secrets. And when choosing a birth partner, maybe bear in mind her inability to keep personal things to herself.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Wishing you a completely different and so much better birth experience.

@Darkstar4855

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect her to keep it a secret for so long, she’s probably excited.

Also sex not gender.

Oh sod off with that crap.

@Chloemol

So now you know not to tell her anything you don’t want others to know

If she complains just tell her it’s because she has proved time and again she can’t keep her big gob shut, and yes I would use those words

This OP.

When someone behaves repeatedly in a certain way, believe that is who they are.

Don't tell her anything.

It will save you a LOT of stress.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

It's not lots of people
I know you feel hurt but it's also her news to share with her best friend. You're not her best friend are you and she probably wanted to talk o someone about it

I've also not really told anyone I'm pregnant and I'm 20 weeks so I empathise btw x

@BigButtons

I actually think you are being unreasonable. I don’t get the secrecy- up to 12 weeks yes, but beyond that, no.

Because other people have experience of pregnancy that isn't filled with happiness and joy.

My DS2 died at just shy of 22 weeks pregnant, in very hard circumstances. It was a horrific experience for all of us. And for everyone who knows us.

I'm 13 weeks now and haven't told a soul (barring MW, I wouldn't have engaged with midwifery services except they phoned me to discuss something else and asked). And I won't tell anyone until at least 17/18 weeks (if I get that far).

I can't bear people to be happy for us in case it all goes wrong again and we have to face their sadness. At least if nobody knows, nobody can get their hopes up.

I think you are being silly to tell your mum anything you don't want repeated when you know she just has to tell her best mate everything.

Hope it all goes well @HeyFloof and sorry for your loss .

Your mum has no respect for you, that's why she doesnt listen. My parents are similar, so I don't tell them jack.

My sympathies. I told my parents at eight weeks or so and I explicitly told her not to tell anyone. My mum agreed saying a few times that it was my news to tell and that she wouldn't say anything, and then she immediately rang up my sister (and later denied she had). I'm afraid four years on I'm still a bit irritated by that.

So sorry OP. I learnt the hard way that if I want anything kept a secret the only way is not to tell anyone. I understand her need to share. Something traumatic happened to my 12 year old and I really struggled and needed support. He didn't want people knowing though so we respected that and only our immediate family, school and hospital/gp know.