To wonder how to respond to a colleague's 'put-downs

[TheLasrStraw]

I have a colleague who sometimes puts me down in a curt manner, often in front of one of my team.. She'll repeat something in a condescending tone to me.

She doesn't report to me, but I suspect she may have applied for my job. I am more senior. We both have the same line manager.

It puts me off talking to her. I guess she's unhappy and insecure so I just ignore but it's not right that she speaks to me that way.

What can I do?

Can you give us an example of what she said and when?

This is where an example would help. Sometimes it's our perception rather than what's actually happening. Sometimes we are picking up on things others just don't notice and are correct.

Cut her off and say "sorry is something wrong?" while searching her eyes with faux concern
When she says "no why?" say "your tone just sounded like you were upset with something that's all", smile with glassy hard eyes.

How about the obvious? 'I don't appreciate the way you are speaking to me. Do you have an issue you would like to discuss?'

You pull them up on it at the time and ask them what they mean, this will no doubt embarrass them if they have tried to make a veiled insult. Then you pull them aside afterwards and tell them to stop it, alert their manager too.

When she repeats something in a condescending way: “Thank you for telling me again, I did get that information the first time, is this something that is particularly worrying you? I’m happy to talk you through it.”

Are you OK?

Everytime. Deflect it back to her.

Not sure. Is it only you she addresses in this manner?

Depends. Can you give examples

She'll repeat something in a condescending tone to me.

Don’t just let it slide at the time. Turn focus to her and have her explain herself.

You could try the classic Mumsnet technique for pulling someone up on bad behaviour: “Did you mean that to sound so rude/curt/uncivil/dismissive [customise as needed]?” It serves multiple purposes: calls it out there & then, shows others you won’t stand for it, gives them space to correct you if you’ve misunderstood or apologise if they genuinely didn’t realise how their tone comes across. You sound more polite and professional than them whilst giving them a face-saving way out of it.

Call her out on it every time - some good suggestions from pp. Do it calmly and confidently, and don’t break eye contact. If she comes back with any nonsense about performance then say that you are happy to discuss her concerns with her in the presence of your manager and HR, but that you won’t tolerate her continuing to behave in this manner. Again, eye contact and confident - say as little as possible, don’t get drawn into debates, repeat your statement if needed.

What sort of things does she say?

How has she applied for your job, are you leaving?
She can't apply if there isn't a vacancy

@KathleenWho

How has she applied for your job, are you leaving? She can't apply if there isn't a vacancy

An internal promotion maybe?

@KathleenWho

How has she applied for your job, are you leaving? She can't apply if there isn't a vacancy

I took it to mean the OP got the job they had both applied for.

Please don’t ever use classic Mumsnet techniques they’re nearly always ride, sarcastic and unpleasant. This will only put you in the same category.
Can you ask her politely and privately if she has a problem? I did this with a toxic colleague - as all bullies do she said no there wasn’t (when obviously there is) but she stopped as it highlighted I knew she wasn’t being honest.

Rude not ride

@KathleenWho

How has she applied for your job, are you leaving? She can't apply if there isn't a vacancy

They applied for the same post and OP got the job. I think.

You're going to get lots of suggestions of 'witty' comebacks on here op, most of which don't do well outside of an American sitcom...please don't use them!

@DreadingChristmasAlready

Please don’t ever use classic Mumsnet techniques they’re nearly always ride, sarcastic and unpleasant. This will only put you in the same category. Can you ask her politely and privately if she has a problem? I did this with a toxic colleague - as all bullies do she said no there wasn’t (when obviously there is) but she stopped as it highlighted I knew she wasn’t being honest.

What’s ‘rude, sarcastic and unpleasant’ about saying ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ to someone who regularly puts you down?

@SamosaSammy

You're going to get lots of suggestions of 'witty' comebacks on here op, most of which don't do well outside of an American sitcom...please don't use them!

Couldn’t agree more! I hate the classic Mumsnet responses having been on the end of them from prolific Mumsnet user - the ex wife of DH.

"Did you mean to be so rude?" is such a weird MN "classic" because if someone said that to me I would just be like "no I didnt actually you might be overthinking".

@tallduckandhandsome
Because you’re being as rude as the person you asked! It’s a classic MN response and doesn’t fit into organic conversation anywhere but on here.

‘Did you mean to be so rude’?

‘Yes - because ’

‘It’s not rude, it’s the truth’

Etc.

It doesn’t really achieve its objective imo.

[quote DreadingChristmasAlready]@tallduckandhandsome
Because you’re being as rude as the person you asked! It’s a classic MN response and doesn’t fit into organic conversation anywhere but on here.[/quote]
I haven’t used it but I don’t see how it’s rude when used to someone who is rude to you?

You’re not calling them a cuntbadger after all another MN favourite). This idea that you shouldn’t challenge people who are rude to you is why so many women never know what to say when someone treats like crap.