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Original poster

To wonder how to respond to a colleague's 'put-downs

59 replies

TheLasrStraw · 14/11/2021 08:44

I have a colleague who sometimes puts me down in a curt manner, often in front of one of my team.. She'll repeat something in a condescending tone to me.

She doesn't report to me, but I suspect she may have applied for my job. I am more senior. We both have the same line manager.

It puts me off talking to her. I guess she's unhappy and insecure so I just ignore but it's not right that she speaks to me that way.

What can I do?

OP posts:
DreadingChristmasAlready · 14/11/2021 09:13

I have never been In a situation where “did you mean to be so rude” would fit into a conversation without sounding rude and sarcastic itself.

loislovesstewie · 14/11/2021 09:14

I would say 'Are you upset about something? You don't seem your usual self.'

DreadingChristmasAlready · 14/11/2021 09:14

I agree you should challenge others if they are being rude but politely and most importantly privately otherwise you’re being just as rude.

tallduckandhandsome · 14/11/2021 09:15

@SirChenjins

‘Did you mean to be so rude’?

‘Yes - because ’

‘It’s not rude, it’s the truth’

Etc.

It doesn’t really achieve its objective imo.

But I suspect people don’t respond with ‘yes, because…’. I think it catches them off guard when being called out.

Anyway, it’s not the sole means of challenging someone. I agree with a pp, talk to her about it calmly and confidently. Don’t make allowances for her supposed insecurity, that’s not OP’s problem.

tallduckandhandsome · 14/11/2021 09:16

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I have never been In a situation where “did you mean to be so rude” would fit into a conversation without sounding rude and sarcastic itself.
I can think of several. The person who implied I was a racial slur comes up mind.
KathleenWho · 14/11/2021 09:19

Sorry, I get it now. She applied the same time as you
I agree with pp. You need to pick her up on it every time. Offer a communication skills course if you can find one. Be concerned about her poor skills

DreadingChristmasAlready · 14/11/2021 09:20

@tallduckandhandsome
I’ve been in conversation with many people who have been rude but I just wouldn’t choose that way to challenge it. Just my opinion.

Beamur · 14/11/2021 09:23

OP, your colleague is jealous and acting out in a very childish manner.
Depending on what is being said and the tone, I would either ignore it, drown it out with being very friendly and professional, or take her to one side and have a polite and not passive aggressive conversation about why she seems a bit off with you. Try and clear the air in a positive way first. If that fails, note details of every encounter where she is like this.
Is it affecting the work of either of you? If so, then escalate. If she's just being snippy to get a rise out of you, don't rise.

ZenNudist · 14/11/2021 09:26

2 ways to go. Either deal with when she does it: a kind "thank you but I'd heard that already". "Thanks I already got that, don't feel you have to keep explaining things to me" . "Seriously I'm fine I heard the same things as you. I'm not sure why you keep repeating them to me but can you stop please."

Or: Speak to her privately but authoritatively. Be confident. Can you do that? Stick to the one issue and don't let it spiral. You can use some the comments here but do it in a caring way. "I don't know if you realise this but you consider across as aggressive/rude/dismissive/ patronising when you do xyz." "I appreciate you may be trying to help and be a good team player but in fact it's having a detrimental effect on the team because it causes offence.", "I am sure you don't mean to, so I wanted to speak to you privately about it.""can you stop please?".

I don't know your work and if your line manager would prefer you dealt with it. I'm assuming most places wouldn't want to step in the deal with spats between employees. If appropriate you could loop your line manager in first and say "I don't know if you are aware but (name) is making me feel uncomfortable in group discussions. I don't know why but she repeats things I've already heard at me and it unfortunately comes across as really patronising. Perhaps she thinks she is helping, but its having the opposite effect. I thought I'd sit her down and flag it to her, but if you'd rather speak to her directly I will leave it to you. "

shouldistop · 14/11/2021 09:28

I'd be tempted to say "yes, there's nothing wrong with my hearing", but I don't have the balls Grin

echt · 14/11/2021 09:30

All this advice, and we still don't know what this person actually says.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/11/2021 09:36

I would try to rise above it, especially if she is spreading herself up (rather than you). I wouldn’t indulge in passive aggressive comebacks / tilted heads / tinkly laughs

CharityDingle · 14/11/2021 09:44

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I have never been In a situation where “did you mean to be so rude” would fit into a conversation without sounding rude and sarcastic itself.
Exactly.

And what if the other person replies with 'yes, I did, actually mean to be so rude' Wink

Peanutmnm · 14/11/2021 09:51

Please don't be so unprofessional and passive aggressive as many here are suggesting.

You need to speak to her privately. Not to ask her what's wrong because it's probably irrelevant and if it is relevant, she is responsible for speaking up. But to say something like 'Neither of us want to have this conversation I'm sure but I need you to stop being passive aggressive in meetings and undercutting my position. If you genuinely don't know what I'm talking about, I can give you examples. But I would like to work well with you and for there to be a better atmosphere overall. Do you understand?'. Tailor it for your actual situation, I don't know exactly what it is she is doing. But do be clear and very very measured.

Lillyofthe · 14/11/2021 09:56

It doesn't matter what your colleague said it's how it made you feel and sounds like she's bloody obnoxious.
As someone who has been dealing with a nightmare boss who has got away with for 2 years and I've not said a word. I have now confronted her finally felt good.
She's still vile but what I've come to realise is that everyone hates her. There is comfort in this and knowing I can stand my ground.
I would call her out and be explicit. Give the example to her and say from now on I would like you to treat me with more respect and dignity. It's amazing how vile people deal when confronted.

nathanandfanny · 14/11/2021 09:58

I frequently fail to stand up to bullies but you must. I once interviewed a very famous pop star who I thought was insufferable so I just asked him outright if he was that rude to everyone or whether he had a specific problem with me as I wasn’t used to being talked to in that way. He was so apologetic and immediately changed. It made me regret all the times I hadn’t challenged people previously.

3scape · 14/11/2021 10:30

Remain professional. Ask her to step out of the way with you. Point out you've noticed she often repeats back things and ask if there's something you need to know. You're the senior role, you need to demonstrate there's a reason for that.

Flipflopblowout · 14/11/2021 10:37

You are being bullied, put a stop to it.

Muttly · 14/11/2021 10:39

Repeat her words back to her followed by a probing question about what she means.

She is assuming that these comments will fly under the radar without repercussions for her so once she is made to feel uncomfortable about her remarks usually that is enough.

Her goal is to make you feel uncomfortable so if you can act immediately and flip the discomfort she won’t be achieving anything.

Original poster
TheLasrStraw · 14/11/2021 14:58

Yes, she's speaks nicely to everyone else .

The examples are petty, and outing. E.g. I asked a question and the tone of her response made the answer sound obvious and made me feel stupid.

Or she'll say something's not relevant when actually I felt it was relevant to me.

It makes me not want to sit near her at lunch.

OP posts:
BruiserWoods · 14/11/2021 15:00

time for shine a light on it technique

''I feel like that was condescending Regina, was that your intention?''

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2021 15:05

@TheLasrStraw

Yes, she's speaks nicely to everyone else .

The examples are petty, and outing. E.g. I asked a question and the tone of her response made the answer sound obvious and made me feel stupid.

Or she'll say something's not relevant when actually I felt it was relevant to me.

It makes me not want to sit near her at lunch.

Tone:

Gosh, Betty - you sound like you think I’m stupid for clarifying. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to come across that way.

Relevance:

I do think it’s relevant, though, Betty - that’s why I was asking.

NadiaVulvokov · 14/11/2021 15:16

Few different options depending on the culture in your workplace:

  1. Ask for your line manager’s advice on dealing with a consistently rude colleague. You don’t have to mention the culprit.
  1. Same, but with HR.
  1. Next time she does it say simply” Please don’t speak to me like that.” If she challenges that day I will be happy to have a conversation to explain further later on but don’t want to disrupt workflow just now”. Ask one other person to be present as a witness or have the conversation via email.
  1. Next time she does it send a very short email to her saying you don’t appreciate being spoken o like that. CC either your line manager or HR. This works well in tandem with 1 or 2, especially if you’ve been discreet about who it was and you’ve taken 3. Or similar as a first step.
Shedmistress · 14/11/2021 16:59

The examples are petty, and outing. E.g. I asked a question and the tone of her response made the answer sound obvious and made me feel stupid.

Are you sure it isn't you asking obvious questions? I mean, without you telling us what actually happened it is hard to say.

It makes me not want to sit near her at lunch

Ok, so don't sit next to her at lunch then.

Don't go to HR with this, honestly, it sounds very mild and maybe she is a nasty piece of work, maybe she isn't, but this just sounds like normal office stuff. You aren't going to get on with everyone in work.

Whynotnowbaby · 14/11/2021 17:56

If she makes it sound like the answer was obvious (and you’re sure it wasn’t!) say something like- you make it sound so obvious but I think we need to make sure (e.g. the procedure for fire drills) is clear to everyone as it does vary from place to place. It highlights that this isn’t you being stupid, it is an issue that others would probably also need guidance on.

Are you required to sit with her at lunch? Would it look rude or pointed it you didn’t? If not, just don’t!