To think where the hell has my life gone?!!

[HalfCenturyWoman]

Such an odd feeling on the approach to and now that I am 50.

A mixture of fear of getting old, disappointment that I didn’t do more or gave up on things I shouldn’t have, that opportunities are now few, the loss of my looks, that my life isn’t what I planned, fear of diseases raising their ugly heads, that I didn’t do stuff I wanted to, that my DC are soon moving out and moving on etc.

It’s fucking horrible! Never had this before as always a generally optimistic person, every day is a start over type of thing.

Anyone else felt like this and when does it pass please?

I'm 50 next year and feel like a total failure. I don't know how I got here and not sure if the future holds anything good. I haven't achieved anything in life, and I'm lonely.

Am planning to make a big change soon and move to a different part of the country. But having read this thread I'm worried that at 50 I'm not that employable any more! That never even occurred to me until now.

@WingingItSince1973

I'm 48 and by 50 my youngest will be 17/18 and I was excited for what we could do without major responsibilities. Now we are looking to Foster our 6 year old grandson and take on all his needs because my other dd has decided she can't and left him with us! I'm absolutely shattered and now our immediate future is getting through each day. BUT I still want to be able to travel and open up a whole new world for dgs and of course my youngest is still needing us as she has problems too. I feel I just want to get closer to family and friends, be as healthy as I can and carry on doing all the creative things I love. Being out in the woods yesterday with my dgs and dh was so therapeutic and just such a simple pleasure means alot to me. We don't need to be serious go getters in this life. Being content and connected with people we love is sufficient for me xxx

That is so very hard @WingingItSince1973 but you have the right attitude. Your Grandson is a lucky little fella to have you x

@WingingItSince1973

I'm 48 and by 50 my youngest will be 17/18 and I was excited for what we could do without major responsibilities. Now we are looking to Foster our 6 year old grandson and take on all his needs because my other dd has decided she can't and left him with us! I'm absolutely shattered and now our immediate future is getting through each day. BUT I still want to be able to travel and open up a whole new world for dgs and of course my youngest is still needing us as she has problems too. I feel I just want to get closer to family and friends, be as healthy as I can and carry on doing all the creative things I love. Being out in the woods yesterday with my dgs and dh was so therapeutic and just such a simple pleasure means alot to me. We don't need to be serious go getters in this life. Being content and connected with people we love is sufficient for me xxx

I like this attitude. Being an older mum I feel like launching DD to uni in the next couple of years is my purpose in life right now, which doesn't mean to say I don't do anything with or for myself, but it gives meaning to life and I have my windows in the day where I do projects etc.

Just feel with the pandemic and everything it is the most important thing I can do. Make sure we are both safe, fed, watered and she gets on well at school.

As you say, I don't feel like a 'go-getter' anymore, whatever that may be, but more like a steady plodder tortoise versus hare type figure that through putting one foot in front of the other achieves a lot.

At the moment I'm grateful for the space to start writing again, without putting any pressure on myself to define where it is going...

yes, grand DS is very lucky.

now college of course as she is sixteen but they are such crucial years aren't they? I really want to do this as best i can.

@beastlyslumber

I'm 50 next year and feel like a total failure. I don't know how I got here and not sure if the future holds anything good. I haven't achieved anything in life, and I'm lonely.

Am planning to make a big change soon and move to a different part of the country. But having read this thread I'm worried that at 50 I'm not that employable any more! That never even occurred to me until now.

would be interested to hear what part of the country you are moving to BS. Do share what your plans are...

Wingingitsince1973 I think you sound fab! Life has some very unexpected twists and turns. I know what you mean about being out in the woods ,just came back with DH and doggy from a lovely walk .feel refreshed .I sometimes have this feeling that I should be more like so and so ,and less like someone else .Could have done more and so on .(Similar age to OP) .However many people feel the same I think .We cant all be running a business from our Kitchen Tables !

@JohnDee007

God, fuck that for a game of soldiers. Life is over when you die, before that it’s full of wondrous possibilities. Life changes, stop clinging to the past and embrace the future. Yes we’re all a bit saggier, creak a bit more, less pert but who gives a fuck, we’re also more experienced, have loved (and probably lost) felt joy and sadness, don’t have the pressures of the pert less saggy people would going a different way really have made any difference? Perhaps if you had chosen a different career path you might have died in a car crash on the way to work, not had your kids, not bought that particular dog who sat with you through the tears and laughter, not met that friend who took you out partying to get over a break up. Not gone into the cafe who served you the best cake ever.

You are here and you are the product of everything you perceive as good and bad in your past. That’s done. But don’t let that stop you experiencing what today has to offer and exploring every possibility the future holds.

If you live til you’re 100 you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Don’t spend the next 50 years treading water, in 10 years time, don’t sit there and think, I should have done this at 50. Do it now. Fuck anyone who thinks life is for the young and well toned. If your boobs are headed south just buy a more supportive bra to hold them in place whilst you dance the night away😁

Agree.

Not sure how I'd feel. But agree with everything you've just said.

Currently I'm too busy to be thinking about where my life went, maybe in another 10 years when things settle down.

@beigebrownblue Am currently in Scotland, planning to move to England to be closer to family & friends. Haven't been happy here for a long time, seem to have lost more friends than I've made over the years, bored with my job (especially now wfh) and want to be somewhere I have a chance to make new friends, be close to existing ones, see family more easily and basically get a life! I'm a writer so I guess I always have that, but I don't make a living out of it, and so I have to work as well. I've been thinking maybe I'll try and write something really commercial - but really not sure I can do that, and the market is so changeable, by the time I've written something that ticks all the boxes, it will have moved on again. I always hoped to make a living out of writing, but never have, and having to work full time means less time to write, and less time for everything else. I've sacrificed a lot over the years so I can have time to write, and now I wonder what the hell was the point.

I hope at 50 I'll still be able to find decent work but it never occurred to me that my age might be a barrier to this plan. I have a good job right now but it's the only thing I've really got going for me.

If you have your health you still have lots of opportunities. Make a list of what you want to do and do as much of it as you can.

@beigebrownblue well someone has just said they are treading water until they die followed by another poster agreeing. It’s so sad.

Of course everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, and we all spend the odd day going “This is shit” “why me?” Etc. But unless we move on and kick ourself in the arse with a boot full of gratitude we never think “well THIS is shit but THAT is bloody marvellous” or “Why NOT me? It’s just the luck of the draw”

Yes we all need to have the odd self pitying moments but if we allow it to rule our lives and can’t move on we need to get professional help otherwise you wake up one day and find you don’t have any time left to live that life -that’s the time for regret.

[quote beastlyslumber]@beigebrownblue Am currently in Scotland, planning to move to England to be closer to family & friends. Haven't been happy here for a long time, seem to have lost more friends than I've made over the years, bored with my job (especially now wfh) and want to be somewhere I have a chance to make new friends, be close to existing ones, see family more easily and basically get a life! I'm a writer so I guess I always have that, but I don't make a living out of it, and so I have to work as well. I've been thinking maybe I'll try and write something really commercial - but really not sure I can do that, and the market is so changeable, by the time I've written something that ticks all the boxes, it will have moved on again. I always hoped to make a living out of writing, but never have, and having to work full time means less time to write, and less time for everything else. I've sacrificed a lot over the years so I can have time to write, and now I wonder what the hell was the point.

I hope at 50 I'll still be able to find decent work but it never occurred to me that my age might be a barrier to this plan. I have a good job right now but it's the only thing I've really got going for me.[/quote]
You absolutely will be able to find work, I’m not sure what you do but there’s so many roles which can’t be filled, it might not be exactly what you’re looking for, but who knows you might come across something that will inspire you to write a best seller. Life can work out like that sometimes. An inspiring best seller about starting over!

And all the things you have written, maybe they didn’t make you loads of money but you have created something, you have made something that wasn’t there before,something that wouldn’t have existed if it wasn’t for YOU! How absolutely amazing, what a gift!

I wish you every luck with you new life!

Love that Brecht poem, and it's a lovely translation - I like it almost better than the original.

[quote JohnDee007]@beigebrownblue well someone has just said they are treading water until they die followed by another poster agreeing. It’s so sad.

Of course everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, and we all spend the odd day going “This is shit” “why me?” Etc. But unless we move on and kick ourself in the arse with a boot full of gratitude we never think “well THIS is shit but THAT is bloody marvellous” or “Why NOT me? It’s just the luck of the draw”

Yes we all need to have the odd self pitying moments but if we allow it to rule our lives and can’t move on we need to get professional help otherwise you wake up one day and find you don’t have any time left to live that life -that’s the time for regret.[/quote]
Seriously. Agree with a lot of what you say.

Its exactly what I'd post if I had the time.

What a really kind comment @JohnDee007, thank you! I appreciate your lovely, positive attitude. And I hope you're right!

I’m also that age and while I am lucky in that my life is financially comfortable, I have good friends and dh/late teen DCs, but I don’t have any other close family on my side and my career is shite because I stupidly gave it up for 6 years when DCs were young and never got back to it and now earn crap money although the hours etc suit.
I also can’t believe where the years have gone & I do hope that dh can retire in 10 years or less and we can make the most of that time w DCs having their own independent lives. I would like to travel more (in relative style), and make one more house move (my choice this time!). Dh and I have already talked about when we retire we should join social/interest groups, as there is no way I’ll cope w both of us rattling round the house.

I am in my 50s and in the middle of a degree - it might end up being for 'fun' or it might lead to something different.

I absolutely love it so either way it's already been very interesting.

What I do know is that if I had not done it nothing would have changed so why not take the chance on enriching your life?

This is a nice thread I feel like I’ve totally lost my groove HRT didn’t give me it back and so much has changed in the last 18mths for me. Weirdly in lockdown 1 I found my groove and peace exercise running yoga dog walking I lost weight and felt great being back at work in a meaningless job after my three businesses went my body has stagnated abd my vibe

Thank you for your lovely comments. In my dreams I would be living in a lovely old house with an art studio in the garden and a small holding. But in reality I live in end of terrace ex council house and have to do my crafts in the kitchen 🤣 I have had a small shop on etsy for years and keep meaning to do more with it but to be honest I'm happy just pootling, making things I love. I have lovely friends and family I'm quite fortunate in that respect. If I didn't have them I would probably throw myself into groups or travel more. I worry we feel we have to live upto some kind of lifestyle society dictates to us. Social media can be very misleading. I remember a friend saying she was jealous of my photos of my home but in reality all the mess was behind me ha ha and I just showed the good bits! That's a bit like life. Even those that strive for more and seem to have it all pay a price, if not then they have a good balance. My old school friend sadly had incurable brain cancer and she says she would love the opportunity to grow old but sadly that doesn't look likely. She gave me much food for thought. My life isn't perfect. I suffer with some conditions which make each day difficult. I'm on antidepressants for the last 15 years and will be for life as I have terrible thoughts. So please everyone seek out people or join groups where you can fulfill some thing you enjoy. Or even just take pleasure in your own company and your own interests xxxx

I am on the eve of my 50th birthday today....I agree with a lot here....I will keep on keeping on and try to organise more fun and care for me while I continue to do the best for my family....but I am truly gobsmacked to be on the verge of half a century....got to make it count now...

Yes I’m pondering the same question. I’m 50 in a couple of weeks and apart from getting married/having DD, I have been wondering what happened to the last 20 years. It just seems like the 90s weren’t that long ago. It certainly doesn’t help to listen to the “old” songs (which I still love) as they remind me of my young, carefree life when I went on lots of holidays. It was just great.

I said to my DH only yesterday that I would just love to go on a holiday that was for me ie relaxing by the pool doing nothing then doing some sight seeing but of course when you have a DC, holidays are all about them. This is the way it should be of course and just one of the sacrifices we make as parents. Doesn’t stop me dreaming though!

My job is ok and we are financially comfortable and I know in many ways I am lucky but I can’t help thinking I should have done more and how can I actually be 50!

In my head, I’m still in my 20s and now all my colleagues are this age, I feel ancient.

here's another poem, written for a student in distress, still relevant here though I think, moved me (I feel the bitter-sweet on this thread deeply)
Wait, for now.
Distrust everything if you have to.
But trust the hours. Haven’t they
carried you everywhere, up to now?
Personal events will become interesting again.
Hair will become interesting.
Pain will become interesting.
Buds that open out of season will become interesting.
Second-hand gloves will become lovely again;
their memories are what give them
the need for other hands. The desolation
of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness
carved out of such tiny beings as we are
asks to be filled; the need
for the new love is faithfulness to the old.

Wait.
Don’t go too early.
You’re tired. But everyone’s tired.
But no one is tired enough.
Only wait a little and listen:
music of hair,
music of pain,
music of looms weaving our loves again.
Be there to hear it, it will be the only time,
most of all to hear your whole existence,
rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
Galway Kinsell

Stovetopespresso

What a lovely poem, thank you.

@Stovetopespresso that's made me cry!

Having a child in distress is the worst

I’m not at this age yet but from seeing my mum, other family members and colleagues go through it, it seems to me that the 50s are the most difficult decade!

Kids not properly independent yet and still need lots of support from you, menopause playing havoc with your moods and energy levels and making you doubt yourself at work, starting to look more like a young old person rather than an older young person - denting your confidence, getting more tired but not yet very close to retirement!

Thankfully it looks like post-retirement things improve significantly. Energy levels improve, your kids have become fully independent and hopefully have even started treating you and taking you out(!), big family events come along again as the next generation get married and have new babies, time to take up old hobbies and see old friends, and generally feeling more confident in a new identity as an older woman. My grandmothers actually both had the best decades in their 70s and my mum is late 60s now and sooooo much happier than she was mid-fifties.

So hang on in there - it does seem to get miles better again after this decade!

I'm nearly 58. Apart from disliking the menopause weight gain and having fibromyalgia, I'm happier now than I have ever been. More confident, take less bullshit, do more. Currently tucked up in a wee apartment on the Outer Hebrides for a couple of days on my own. Something I never thought I would do. I dont look good, but then I never really have so kind of used to that.