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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread every part of parenting day and night.

84 replies

pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 18:09

Normally I see the 'I hate parenting' threads and pop on to say 'don't worry it gets better' but I can't talk any sense into myself.

I have a 3 year old and 9 month old and basically dragging myself through everyday and night. Both kids are ill and have been ill with different things for two months now so no sleep. And In fact broken sleep for me for almost 4 years with all the pregnancy sleep crap.

3 year old is a nightmare atm. Like a horrible tyrant who screams and shouts and demands and is rude to people with no filter. She can be the sweetest, funniest and intelligent chatty personality but we are on an awful phase. I've tried love bombing her and I've been very strict and no approach works. She is her own person and nothing I do makes a difference. She will not listen and she will not be tamed or bribed or sanctioned. She doesn't give a fuck about anything.

She goes to preschool 3 times a week and we are upping it to 4 but the more she goes the more tired she is and the more awful her behaviours.

I'm so sick and tired of her and not sleeping. I feel like she's ruining my time with the baby as she dominates everything.

I can't keep the house tidy and washing is never ending. Everywhere I look there's stuff to do and fucking sick of it all. H is excellent day and night so I can't even blame him. But two kids is horrific, like a living hell. Then I feel guilty for saying that and wishing our precious time away. I want these days to be so special but the reality is crap.

Why does anyone go on to have more than two kids?

OP posts:
bozzabollix · 13/11/2021 18:15

It sounds like it’s all down to sleep. She’s in a bad mood because of tiredness, and it’s breaking you by the sounds of it. I know you can take advice on trying to sort out sleeping patterns, might be worth checking that out?

I think whatever it takes to sort that is the way I’d go, even if you have to use techniques that make you feel guilty for a bit (but don’t because broken sleep isn’t actually doing your child any good either).

Once you have sleep things will be so much more manageable. I’m literally terrible without sleep, I’d be weeping round the clock, so have huge sympathy.

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 13/11/2021 18:19

OP I say this all the time on threads like this, 'this too shall pass'. I promise it does get easier. When DC2 was 9 months, that was when it was hardest for me with 2. Neither of mine slept, poorly all the time and working full time. Horrific. It DOES get easier. You have my word. Just keep going.

Jjjayfee · 13/11/2021 18:21

Do you have any in-laws who can help? You need and your partner need a few guilt free breaks from the children.

Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 18:26

Normally the 3 year old sleeps but she's up at 5:30am. At the moment she wakes coughing and snotty.

I'm happy to sleep train and leave her to cry and had started that with the baby but they are ill and it all stops so no consistency.

I wake up tired thinking how will I get through the day and go to bed tired and thinking how will I get through the night.

At least I don't work (a paid job) too

I don't know wether to up the preschool days (which makes her even more tired) just to get a break from her and just be with the baby or keep her at 3 so she has days where she's just relaxing at home.

I feel like a shit parent. We've never had much TV on, sometimes nothing for weeks but lately it's daily just so I can have a break from her. I know that's quite standard in lots of families but it's not in ours and I feel like I'm failing as the baby gets glued to it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 18:27

@Jjjayfee

Do you have any in-laws who can help? You need and your partner need a few guilt free breaks from the children.
No family to help us. I have good friends who would have her but she's never stayed away from me.
OP posts:
MouseRoar · 13/11/2021 18:30

oh Lord I remember feeling the same way op, so nothing but sympathy here. The fucking endless washing!!!!
Take heart you will get your life back on track. Look for and take any help that's available at the moment but this stage will pass, hang in there and don't beat yourself up. I used to feel bad for wishing the baby and toddler years away but now that it's over, it is such a relief, I love our life now.
Youngest is six, btw

Franca123 · 13/11/2021 18:38

I often feel like this with my two (similar ages) who both sleep very well. I can't imagine how hard it is on bad sleep. I have a handful of friends with similar aged children and I know they too feel like this. I'd love a third but feel it's too much work.

Franca123 · 13/11/2021 18:40

We watch as much TV as the two year old likes. Couldn't care less right now tbh. Needs must.

Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 18:53

Thanks all I know it'll get better or at least different but all these illnesses back to back are killing me off. I feel so bad that I'm not just cuddling them up sympathetically but every time one of them wakes up I want to scream into my pillow.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 13/11/2021 18:59

Why does anyone go on to have more than two kids?

Loads of us don't Grin. Two kids is bloody hard at that age. On the plus side, your eldest will be in school in the next couple of years and primary years are so much easier than the toddler/pre school years.

Hungry675tf · 13/11/2021 19:06

No words of wisdom but I also have a 3 year old tyrant so you have my sympathy.

I find working outside of the home/,nursery extremely helpful.

Are you using your 30 hour entitlement? Even if you don't work?

ScabbyHorse · 13/11/2021 19:08

Don't worry too much about keeping house tidy and washing etc. It won't last forever.

Bunnycat101 · 13/11/2021 19:19

I found those ages so hard (and for me coincided with lockdown so was a complete shit show. I found things got significantly easier once the youngest was two. That probably seems like an age away but I found it much more helpful when people were realistic about how much work it was rather than glossing over and talking about how wonderful their children played together etc. I think people forget the early years and focus on a slightly later period where playing together is actually quite lovely and helpful.

I feel like month by month things have got easier and once we crack potty training I think we’ll be laughing to be honest. My older one is now much less emotional and is a pleasure to go out with and the younger one is getting more predictable if still a bit challenging.

hopetoretireearly · 13/11/2021 19:19

Omg are you me?!

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. 1 year old has us awake for 2-3 hours most nights, usually between 12&3. 3 year old is a right one at the minute - tantrums in each of the 3 shops I’ve taken him in this week - wouldn’t mind but every time it’s been stuff for him I’m seeking!!

It’s summed up perfectly above - wake up each morning wondering how I’m going to get through the day and go to bed each night wondering how I’m going to get through the night. Fact.

MrsTophamHat · 13/11/2021 19:21

Mine are 1 & 4 so i'm a little bit ahead of you and it's not bad at the moment. The little one is still napping in the afternoon and the bigger one has really come on with his independence. There are times when DD is asleep upstairs, DS is playing with his toys in his bedroom or watching a movie on Disney Plus and I get to sit in peace for an hour in the other room. It's an absolute revelation.

minipie · 13/11/2021 19:23

Whenever I see a thread with a title like this I know it will be either a) newborn stage or b) 2-3 yr old plus baby.

This is a horrible stage. It gets a LOT better once they are 4 and 2, or thereabouts

Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 19:27

Thanks for all the solidarity. I'm crying and laughing now at the same time now.

H just thinks I should go to bed now as the kids are asleep but he doesn't get that I want to keep a small slice of time when I'm awake without someone crying and screaming and snotting on me. I used to be an intelligent human but all I want is to watch MAFS Australia the go to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 19:28

@Hungry675tf

No words of wisdom but I also have a 3 year old tyrant so you have my sympathy.

I find working outside of the home/,nursery extremely helpful.

Are you using your 30 hour entitlement? Even if you don't work?

I'm not using the 30hours as I've taken a career break to be a SAHP as that's what I wanted. I've chosen this hell.
OP posts:
IDontDrinkTea · 13/11/2021 19:30

Instead of spending the money on an extra day of preschool, could you put the baby in for one day a week so you have one day to yourself each week to recuperate? Or if you’re not comfortable with that, invest the money in a cleaner to help you with the house?

KeyLimeFly · 13/11/2021 19:31

Mine are 3 and 1. I know you say thank god you don’t work but honestly, work is my salvation. The house doesn’t get wrecked because the kids are at nursery/grandparents, I get to talk to adults, they are happy and well cared for, and I spend the few days I have with them actually pleased to be around them. Even if the baby has me up multiple times in the night, I cope far better at work (busy NHS job) than I would at home with them!

EL1984 · 13/11/2021 19:33

This sounds so tough, I only have one but struggle enough and am terrified of when we (hopefully?!) have 2.
I have a cleaner come and clean the house, do some washing, change beds and cook us a meal once a week. We are thinking of getting her in for an hour or so at the end of the week do do more washing and a tidy up.
Because we don't live near any family we have agreed that we will need an au pair or mother's help type thing of we have another.
Is it possible to get someone in to help with children/housework a couple of afternoons a week then perhaps your 3yo won't have to go to day care 4 days per week.
Or have her take a week or two off to get the tiredness under control?
Xx

Original poster
pompomsgalore · 13/11/2021 19:42

@IDontDrinkTea the pre school mornings are free where as afternoons are paid for and not great provision. I could get H to take the 3 year old from preschool to visit family for the afternoon. He could work from their house. The family member wouldn't be able to provide care but she'd be out of my hair.
I feel awful at saying that.

@KeyLimeFly I have considered going back to work but I'm petrified at regretting losing their childhood time with them and not being able to get it back. I also work with 4 year olds so not sure I'd get the stimulation I'd be looking for. Just more of the same shit.

@EL1984 I'd love a cleaner but it's not financially viable at the moment as we are on one wage. But rest assured, the day I go back to work, a cleaner will be booked for the whole day and weekly from that point on. Can't wait. Also my house is tiny and I can mange it if I get in the routine of it

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 13/11/2021 19:51

Please cut yourself some slack here. With two sick kids that are not sleeping , all expectations are over. Normal rules do not apply. ! So, use the TV ,iPad , whatever you can to get a break . Just focus on doing the minimum necessary washing ( maybe send it out as a temporary measure) .Quick easy meals .
You are doing a really hard job and this is a shitty time. Just do what you need to to get over this hump. Flowers

TellMeAboutItStud · 13/11/2021 20:04

OP I could have written your post. 4yo and 6mo and it is hell. All day every day - everything is a battle with the older one, just tantrums all day and literally nothing works, I’ve tried so many approaches but it’s like he just doesn’t care. Both are ill one after the other and the 6mo is up several times in the night and the 4yo generally up by 5 (thanks daylight saving). The house is drowning in laundry and just STUFF everywhere. I told my DH yesterday that I B was going to get the black bags out and anything that hasn’t been used in three months was going!!

I’ve been told it gets easier and I also feel guilty for wishing away these years but my God are they hard and utterly relentless. No real advice but just to say I feel you D you are not alone!!

QWE96 · 13/11/2021 20:05

@pompomsgalore

Normally the 3 year old sleeps but she's up at 5:30am. At the moment she wakes coughing and snotty.

I'm happy to sleep train and leave her to cry and had started that with the baby but they are ill and it all stops so no consistency.

I wake up tired thinking how will I get through the day and go to bed tired and thinking how will I get through the night.

At least I don't work (a paid job) too

I don't know wether to up the preschool days (which makes her even more tired) just to get a break from her and just be with the baby or keep her at 3 so she has days where she's just relaxing at home.

I feel like a shit parent. We've never had much TV on, sometimes nothing for weeks but lately it's daily just so I can have a break from her. I know that's quite standard in lots of families but it's not in ours and I feel like I'm failing as the baby gets glued to it too.

Please don't leave the baby to cry. They're only 9 months and are still really little. Have a look at the Little Ones sleep program. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. The winter is rough going with all the illnesses. I do hope you guys start feeling a bit better soon