To think my mother is being unfair?

[beeinatree]

I have quite a difficult relationship with my mother which I’ve been trying to address with therapy for a couple of years now. I am embarrassed to say that at 38, I am still a bit scared of her.

I am getting married in December abroad. It’s a small wedding - just 15 people.

My mother is travelling there and back home with us. I have also arranged her hair and makeup to be done alongside me and she has a small part in the ceremony too. Normal, I guess.

She knows when the flights are, when the wedding is and our general plans for each of the two days we are there.

However, yesterday she blew up at me about the following

• She doesn’t have a full itinerary of what’s happening at the wedding yet (nor do I, as the hotel still needs to confirm some details) . Therefore , she feels out of control and like she is being forced to do things she doesn’t understand.

• She feels isolated because she is the only person without a partner. However, she does not want to bring a friend.

• She feels that she will be trapped with other people at the hotel and not be able to escape as it is quite remote. My offers of her being insured on our hire car, using the hotel to book a taxi to the nearby town or going on local guided walks were not right for some reason. My attempts to set up a Zoom with my fiancé’s parents so she gets to know them better have not worked either.

• I arranged for her to have her nails done before the wedding with me. This is ‘controlling’.

• She feels that weddings are generally not nice things and doesn’t like them.

• She is unhappy that I am giving my brother and his young family the ground floor bedroom that opens onto the gardens (so they can get outside nice and easily). She thinks it’s unfair as she likes gardens.

There are also issues that other people in the wedding party have (e.g all the food has to be vegan because of half the wedding party being vegan).

We are paying for everything for everyone. Travel and hotels and food. We’re happy to do this but sometimes I wish we weren’t as some people don’t seem to be happy with anything. Especially her.

AIBU to think she is being unfair? I know she is on her own but I feel we have accommodated her as best we can.

And how on Earth do people have big weddings and not want to punch everyone?

Wow. I'd be leaving her at home. She will ruin your wedding day.

There is a very easy way to resolve all of these points:

Rescind her invite.

Anyone who complains to this extent would have their ticket cancelled by me! Its meant to be your wedding, you're not a holiday arranger!

And yes, what TB said, she WILL ruin your wedding day. Do you want your wedding day to be ruined? Because it’s a guarantee it will happen.

I’m afraid I’m with others and I would be suggesting she stays at home if she is so unhappy with everything.

If she insists on coming I would ask your brother to play buffer so you don’t have to deal with the rubbish. Not fair on him I know but it’s your wedding

Sounds like you step on egg shells around her and shes just use to getting her own way. You need to be blunt and firm that this is your day and she needs to step back and let you enjoy it

OP I am sorry to say but she is out to ruin your wedding,I guess I am not telling you anything you do not know really and for that I am so sorry, I would say now enough mother either go with the flow or stay home,

You must also point out it is not about her it is your wedding.

Have a frank discussion.

Mum, so should I cancel the nail appointment if you are sorting this yourself as that's no problem.

Mum, if this is too much you don't have to come. It is entirelyup to you.

Mum, you know me and the groom and my brother and his family. That is pretty much half the wedding party.

Mum, as I said you can be insured on the car. As we are paying for the trip I am sure there will be organised days out that you can participate in should you wish to get away from the hotel.

Mum, as soon as I have an itinerary I will forward it to you too.

Just keep your calm. It is either that or uninvite which I am assuming would need to be a last resort

I'd kindly ask her if she still wants to come.

It is up to her whether she wants to attend or not.
But if she doesnt behave she wont be GOING!
Either she accepts the way things have been arranged AND PAID FOR, or stays at home.
This is your wedding.

Leave her behind and switch your phone off.

We are paying for everything for everyone.

This is overly generous and maybe you're getting bitter about the whole thing?

You sound lovely OP. She sounds like hard work, in contrast.

'Mum, this is what we have arranged and I won't discuss it any further, please let me know if you'd still like to come or if I should cancel your ticket' is all I would say to her, next time she complains about something.

This is your day, don't let her ruin it.

She's already making it ALL about HER, and will continue to do so on the day.

Uninvite her.
Have a fab day.

I can honestly say that, at 60+ years old I spent my first 55 years being afraid of a parent, and it really messed with my life.

Set yourself free. NOW.

Uninvited her - she sounds like too much hard work. Whatever you do for her will never be right, so why waste your time and energy trying to please someone who does their best to moan and whine about everything you do for her? She will ruin your wedding if she's there and won't be happy with anything anyway, so shove her in a cupboard and leave her behind.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am 48 and was talking through my Mom issues this week with a therapist. You are not alone.

Season finale has a good approach.

Repeat.. OK Mum.. what would you like me to do? If its vague.. like 'I don't know... I just want to feel like I am not being controlled.' Just repeat.. I thought this was the best option, you are free to make your own plans.. I am afraid I cannot make that change to the plans as STBDH and I have decided this works best for most people and I am sorry it doesn't work for you.

Good luck!! How long to you have until your wedding? I agree with asking your brother to help during the event.

Every time she moans, just repeat ‘You don’t have to come if it’s making you unhappy’. Repeat ad infinitum. She’s being a pain in the arse. This is your wedding, you are not supposed to make it all about her.

i would tell her she is ruining your happy time and is no longer invited so she can forget needing all the details if it causes her TOO much stress!!!

Can your brother help you out by taking responsibility for her and her questions? Otherwise you are going to spend your entire wedding and the time leading up to it dealing with her nonsense.

Organising any big event and trying to please everyone is impossible, stop trying.
Trying to please your mother on any level sounds impossible, again stop trying.
I'd tell her it sounds like it's all too much for her and she'd prefer not to come and that's fine by you.

Thank you everyone, really appreciate the comments and advice. Made me feel a lot less confused and slightly less like I’m losing my mind!

I won’t let her ruin the day.

My partner and I used to take her elderly Dad abroad with us and each time he moaned all the way to the airport, in the airport and all the time we were abroad about how he wanted to go home.

Until I cracked and at the airport one time I said "Shall I can you a cab home now? I will if that's what you want." He shut up and never said it again.

Sometimes, you have to call the person's bluff.

😂 really made me laugh

I would simply reply next time she complains "if it's an issue your more than welcome to stay at home and we'll FaceTime you after the wedding."
She sounds like a nightmare.