To think my mother is being unfair?

[beeinatree]

I have quite a difficult relationship with my mother which I’ve been trying to address with therapy for a couple of years now. I am embarrassed to say that at 38, I am still a bit scared of her.

I am getting married in December abroad. It’s a small wedding - just 15 people.

My mother is travelling there and back home with us. I have also arranged her hair and makeup to be done alongside me and she has a small part in the ceremony too. Normal, I guess.

She knows when the flights are, when the wedding is and our general plans for each of the two days we are there.

However, yesterday she blew up at me about the following

• She doesn’t have a full itinerary of what’s happening at the wedding yet (nor do I, as the hotel still needs to confirm some details) . Therefore , she feels out of control and like she is being forced to do things she doesn’t understand.

• She feels isolated because she is the only person without a partner. However, she does not want to bring a friend.

• She feels that she will be trapped with other people at the hotel and not be able to escape as it is quite remote. My offers of her being insured on our hire car, using the hotel to book a taxi to the nearby town or going on local guided walks were not right for some reason. My attempts to set up a Zoom with my fiancé’s parents so she gets to know them better have not worked either.

• I arranged for her to have her nails done before the wedding with me. This is ‘controlling’.

• She feels that weddings are generally not nice things and doesn’t like them.

• She is unhappy that I am giving my brother and his young family the ground floor bedroom that opens onto the gardens (so they can get outside nice and easily). She thinks it’s unfair as she likes gardens.

There are also issues that other people in the wedding party have (e.g all the food has to be vegan because of half the wedding party being vegan).

We are paying for everything for everyone. Travel and hotels and food. We’re happy to do this but sometimes I wish we weren’t as some people don’t seem to be happy with anything. Especially her.

AIBU to think she is being unfair? I know she is on her own but I feel we have accommodated her as best we can.

And how on Earth do people have big weddings and not want to punch everyone?

I wouldn't normally swear bit fuck that, she has already started ruining your day. Tell her to stay the fuck at home. Your Husband to be must be well pissed off.

Tell her to naff off. Uninvite her. Nasty behaviour from her!

We eloped because my mother is a knob. Honestly the best thing ever.

Congratulations on your engagement, it sounds like it will be a wonderful wedding.

@EileenGC

You sound lovely OP. She sounds like hard work, in contrast.

'Mum, this is what we have arranged and I won't discuss it any further, please let me know if you'd still like to come or if I should cancel your ticket' is all I would say to her, next time she complains about something.

This is your day, don't let her ruin it.

I absolutely agree with this!

Sounds exactly like my mother-in-law. We haven't seen her in three years. Bliss.

‘Because some people have relatives that know how to behave.’

Yes. And / or you appli strict management to those that don’t and get your sane relatives or bridal party best man etc to help manage the tough ones.

Eg. All our relatives stayed in one hotel which we arranged. Wasn’t compulsory, we reserved it and they called to book and pay for their own rooms. Everyone did this in the end, including my wealthy and snobby sister in law who no doubt bitched about it (we chose it as it was I’ve the road for our reception venue to convenient for several o her family members with young kids). But I spent so l it tle time with her j have no idea what to say.

My mum can be stressy ans controlling like yours. My PIL especially MIL likewise. Realising this I booked myself into a different hotel room around the corner and siding see any of my relatives before i was ready. Even my mum only came around an hour or so before while I was getting ready (so she got that moment but I skipped all her bat shit stress prior) she definitely did this, a friend caring for our kids got the full force but was able to laugh it off.

If your mum come you’ll only enjoy it if you engineer keeping her at arms length. Who can manage her? Appoint someone to babysit her and be very clear on your boundaries. If she’s around you too much she will ruin it.

@TwinklyBranch

Wow. I'd be leaving her at home. She will ruin your wedding day.

This, TBH.

Some of the things she's complaining about are out of your control, others she would have to do something about herself (eg join zoom meetings, use your car) and she chooses not to, others are frankly none of her business (where your bro. and family sleep).

I'd tell her that as it is obviously too upsetting for her, she can stay at home and you'll send her a video.

She is going to make the whole day about her and will be a nightmare.

Obviously you are being totally reasonable. Cherrysoup's response 'You don’t have to come if it’s making you unhappy’ is excellent as it puts it back on her and allows you to make it clear that the wedding will go ahead as you (and STBDH) have planned.

The fact that she wants the ground floor bedroom when anybody else would think that was the sensible option given your brother has young children suggests she is very hard to please and a bit 'it's all about meeee'. Same with the vegan menu. If a lot of guests are vegan, it will be simpler having a vegan menu.

As she doesn't have a partner (and won't bring a friend - something I would have jumped at in her circumstances), do you think she is anxious that you will no longer be single and she will feel more conscious of her position? I am absolutely not making excuses for her - she should be delighted you have met someone you want to share your life with - but she may be going through her own anxieties about this.

We’re happy to [pay for everything] but sometimes I wish we weren’t as some people don’t seem to be happy with anything. Especially her.

Sadly, we definitely can't please all of the people all of the time. Often the more generous you are, the harder it is to please people. It sounds a lovely wedding. I hope it all goes wonderfully.

Oh no she’s a classic narcissist wanting to make it all about her. A parent or friend or any guest should just go with the flow or offer to help not pile stress and tasks on the bride.

You could say ‘mum pls just go with the flow. Your questions are stressing me out.’

But I agree with others she sounds very difficult.

I don’t think people’s advice to rescind her invitation or even threatening to do so is at all practicable. Thinking of my dm, or mil, they would have gone through the roof and the whole situation would be 100 times worse.

I guess she is panicking that she will be alone and a spare part - which can happen at an event if you don’t have a partner. My advice would be to again press the taking a friend idea if there is still time to arrange this. It would be a crutch for her (and someone to moan to!).

Of course she shouldn’t moan and make it all about her, but that’s not going to instantly change. Only on MN do people listen to home truths instead of going apeshit !

@rattlemehearties

We are paying for everything for everyone.

This is overly generous and maybe you're getting bitter about the whole thing?

What nonsense.

Ok, she sounds draining and infuriating but she also sounds very highly anxious. Rather than address all her points (because she will be able to come up with a new list) I’d try to reassure her that it will be lovely, she will be looked after and if there are any problems she won’t be required to solve them.

I’d let things settle a bit then message her saying you are sorry she’s feeling so upset and is there anything specific that you can do to help her feel better about the wedding? Then add that you are really hoping for a very special trip and that she can try to be positive about things as it is quite upsetting to hear so many complaints. Then I’d keep contact low and grey rock her.

Have a gorgeous wedding.

@beeinatree

Like PPs I you should cancel her. If you choose to go ahead with her attending, you need to find your voice and your power.

My mother is travelling there and back home with us.
Cancel these arrangements. Tell her to organise her own travel, possibly with other guests. It’s not appropriate or usual to have your mother present as a third wheel alongside your fiancé post-wedding.

I have also arranged her hair and makeup to be done alongside me
I would have her do this in a different room so you can be on your own to stay calm and relaxed or with a friend.

she has a small part in the ceremony too.
Reconsider whether you trust her to do this without drama. If in doubt, nix that part of the ceremony.

She feels isolated because she is the only person without a partner. However, she does not want to bring a friend.
Reiterate your offer of a place for a friend or companion once more. If she repeats her complaint, ask her to clarify exactly how she expects you to resolve this issue (you cannot arrange her love life) and remind her that she does not need to attend.

She feels that she will be trapped with other people at the hotel and not be able to escape as it is quite remote. My offers of her being insured on our hire car, using the hotel to book a taxi to the nearby town or going on local guided walks were not right for some reason. My attempts to set up a Zoom with my fiancé’s parents so she gets to know them better have not worked either.
Stop making offers, she is an adult. Remind her she doesn’t need to come.

i arranged for her to have her nails done before the wedding with me. This is ‘controlling’.
Cancel this appointment.

Everything else, ignore.

Good luck.

She's trying to get more attention, I'd say. Honestly, unless you want her to grab the limelight, leave her at home.

You sound kind and thoughtful.

She sounds unusually frightened/socially awkward ... or intentionally trying to make herself the centre of your attention.

Perhaps have a (very carefully staged) talk to her where you give her permission not to attend?

-If she is socially awkward she might grab the chance to stay home - or at least stop making you responsible for her unhappiness at going.

-If she is trying to make herself the centre of your attention then she will probably create a drama about you not wanting her and will continue to be as difficult as she has.

The difference will be that you will know what she is doing and you can decide to set yourself free.

I wish you the very happiest wedding day (with or without her).

Does she have any anxiety issues? Some (not all) of the things she raises are the sorts of things that send me into a bit of a tailspin if planning a holiday.

You won't be able to please her, whatever you do.

I tried to include my mum in some wedding planning, she talked endlessly about other people & seemed to not realise it was my day & we were there to sort the dress. Then she blew up on the day and us still whinging about some aspects of it, 20 years later. My in-laws equally terrorised me on the day, so that's what I remember, not my perfectly nice, small wedding.

Do get her a minder or uninvite her.

I agree she does sound socially anxious. Not everyone would enjoy this trip. Admittedly they would either suck it up or regretfully decline.

Dm made an awful fuss about a similar wedding that my niece had. I think if you don’t have a supporter the whole thing might seem a minefield of awkwardness and horror. When people have bad social anxiety they just don’t see things from anyone else’s point of view and act like a cornered rat.

@Wombat49 - at least she went! I asked dm to come to my wedding dress fitting and received a crisp, “No thank you.”

[quote DottyHarmer]@Wombat49 - at least she went! I asked dm to come to my wedding dress fitting and received a crisp, “No thank you.” [/quote]
It was bad, the lady had to drag me off to another room to actually get a word in edgeways. DM never saw any aspect of the dress fitting & fabric picking process...