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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is being unfair?

70 replies

beeinatree · 13/11/2021 14:07

I have quite a difficult relationship with my mother which I’ve been trying to address with therapy for a couple of years now. I am embarrassed to say that at 38, I am still a bit scared of her.

I am getting married in December abroad. It’s a small wedding - just 15 people.

My mother is travelling there and back home with us. I have also arranged her hair and makeup to be done alongside me and she has a small part in the ceremony too. Normal, I guess.

She knows when the flights are, when the wedding is and our general plans for each of the two days we are there.

However, yesterday she blew up at me about the following

  • She doesn’t have a full itinerary of what’s happening at the wedding yet (nor do I, as the hotel still needs to confirm some details) . Therefore , she feels out of control and like she is being forced to do things she doesn’t understand.
  • She feels isolated because she is the only person without a partner. However, she does not want to bring a friend.
  • She feels that she will be trapped with other people at the hotel and not be able to escape as it is quite remote. My offers of her being insured on our hire car, using the hotel to book a taxi to the nearby town or going on local guided walks were not right for some reason. My attempts to set up a Zoom with my fiancé’s parents so she gets to know them better have not worked either.
  • I arranged for her to have her nails done before the wedding with me. This is ‘controlling’.
  • She feels that weddings are generally not nice things and doesn’t like them.
  • She is unhappy that I am giving my brother and his young family the ground floor bedroom that opens onto the gardens (so they can get outside nice and easily). She thinks it’s unfair as she likes gardens.

There are also issues that other people in the wedding party have (e.g all the food has to be vegan because of half the wedding party being vegan).

We are paying for everything for everyone. Travel and hotels and food. We’re happy to do this but sometimes I wish we weren’t as some people don’t seem to be happy with anything. Especially her.

AIBU to think she is being unfair? I know she is on her own but I feel we have accommodated her as best we can.

And how on Earth do people have big weddings and not want to punch everyone?

OP posts:
FlowerFlour · 13/11/2021 14:42

Please don't waste any more time kowtowing to her, finding solutions to non existent problems and generally trying to 'manage' her. She is a dick. She was a dick when you were a child, she's a dick now, and she'll probably continue to be a dick until the day she dies.

With that knowledge, and assuming you still want her to come to your wedding (I wouldn't) set your expectations of her. Something like "Mum, I've told you what's happening. Come, don't come, I don't care, but I'm not listening to your whinging anymore. This is the end of it."

Them block her, or mute her for a few weeks and really work on not caring what she does. She can only ruin the wedding and cause you stress if you let her. She is an adult. She can figure out her own manicure / amusement at the hotel / anything else. If she sends her flying monkeys to harass you give them the broken record "I've told her what's happening. I refuse to deal with her calling me to abuse me. She can come or not come but I'm not being drawn into discussion about it anymore."

You have done nothing wrong (except maybe be too accomodating). She would actually be doing you a huge favour if she didn't come. She's only going to ruin it anyway.

Derbee · 13/11/2021 14:42

Tell her you don’t want to hear what she has to say. Next complaint, she can considered her invitation cancelled. Don’t be scared of her.

Original poster
beeinatree · 13/11/2021 14:44

Electricbug - my brother has some health issues so not sure he can prior to wedding. At wedding I’m sure he would help out.

ChateauMargaux - thank you for saying that ❤️. Wedding is end of Dec!

PopcornPeacock - Thank you. I think I need to. It has really affected my life too.

OP posts:
Thwackit · 13/11/2021 14:45

I would be giving her a very clear message that she is being the most difficult out of all of your guests, is finding fault with minor things in a way which is most ungrateful, that you are paying for things not her, and that if you are on the receiving end of any more of this deliberately difficult behaviour from her then the easiest thing to do to eliminate all of this hassle is to tell her that she is no longer her welcome. Your wedding is YOUR day. Nobody - not even a parent - gets to make it all about their wants and needs. It’s selfish and rude.

5128gap · 13/11/2021 14:46

OP you sound like a delightful daughter and one of the most generous spirited and thoughtful brides I have read about on here. What a shame there is something in your DM that stops her from seeing all the fantastic positives she is being offered only to focus on the negatives. I think whatever you do she will have an issue, its just how some people are. So make the plans that suit you and ignore her negativity as much as you can. I hope you have the fantastic day you deserve.

1FootInTheRave · 13/11/2021 14:46

God she sounds awful.

I hope you manage to extricate yourself from her eventually.

Original poster
beeinatree · 13/11/2021 14:46

FlowerFlour - sounds very good advice. Flying monkeys 😂

OP posts:
beachtosunset · 13/11/2021 14:53

If she behaves like a child then, Mother or no Mother, she doesn't come.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 13/11/2021 14:55

I'd uninvite her to do her a 'favour'.

Platax · 13/11/2021 15:00

Easily dealt with. Get back to her, say "Mum, as you've told me you don't like weddings, you'll obviously be much happier if you don't come, so I'll cancel all the arrangements for you".

ThinWomansBrain · 13/11/2021 15:02

apologise for upstetting her with the invite, rescind it.
Enjoy your wedding.
If she is like this now, if you let her any where near the event, she will suck the joy out of it with ridiculous demands to make herself the centre of attention.

1forAll74 · 13/11/2021 15:04

Tell her to step up, and stop complaining, it's only a very short time, that she has to deal with things. and you have organised lots of things for her anyway.. No point in fretting, just tell her some home truths,, and she can either go, or stay at home.

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2021 15:13

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a good honest answer offer to cancel her ticket and she will quickly act the martyr im sure

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 15:15

There isn't anything you can do to make it better for her, she will only settle for being difficult and miserable.

Oh... she's awful and you deserve so much more.

Can you imagine telling her she's no longer welcome?

At the very least stop trying to please her. Say you've heard her complaints and you're happy to cancel the appointments you've made for her, but you can't help with the other things. If she is that unhappy with the arrangements you can only suggest she makes her own.

MultiStorey · 13/11/2021 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaturdaySummer · 13/11/2021 15:21

@MultiStorey

And how on Earth do people have big weddings and not want to punch everyone?

Because some people have relatives that know how to behave. Just so you can get a flavor of how off the wall your mother is.

It sounds to me like she cant behave, and I wonder if that might help in your therapy.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you have the day of your dreams. Sorry you're having so many issues with your mum. On the day you will be so busy, you won't even notice if she's being difficult. Just focus on you and your partner and soaking up every minute of your special day
Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2021 15:23

I promise you this, the nasty cow is hell bent on ruining your wedding. I would have a frank conversation with her, just once, about how the world doesn't revolve around her, and if she kicks off again, she's staying home.

Chloemol · 13/11/2021 15:29

I would have a conversation as follows

I don’t have all the details yet, rooms have been allocated, food sorted ( although I don’t see why it has to be all vegan when only half the guests are vegan) and that’s how it is. She has a choice, she either shuts up about it and comes, or she chooses to stay at home, answer please by xxxx

oakleaffy · 13/11/2021 15:36

@beeinatree
Your mother sounds a nightmare.
I know what it’s like to fear parents though, and empathise.
You don’t need that level of stress.
She either comes and shuts up, or stays behind.
I have gone to weddings without a partner , there is no shame in that.
She sounds very controlling.
Stick up for yourself!
She needs you more than you need her.

PinkiOcelot · 13/11/2021 15:52

How you haven’t turned around and told her to fuck right off I don’t know.

If it me, she wouldn’t be coming. She’s a PITA!!

Journeynotdestination · 13/11/2021 15:55

My mother behaved exactly like this about my wedding - it was a nightmare about the venue, the food, the guests etc. it was so upsetting. I just pacified her but with hindsight I wish I’d just put her firmly in her place… my wedding, my day. Years later by accident, I found out that she had NPD - obviously she won’t admit it. But it explains her self absorbed, controlling and nasty traits. I couldn’t deal with her in the end and haven’t seen her for 15 years. I don’t regret it, but do regret not telling her that I wasn’t putting up with it earlier.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/11/2021 16:06

Please dont put up with anymore nonsense from her and tell it to her straight, all her complaints about trivia are childish and you won't put up with it.
What is the worst that can happen?
She throws a hissy fit and says she's not coming? Good! that's her loss and entirely her own doing.

This is ruining your enjoyment of your wedding. With only 15 guests it should be a simple, easy to organise affair and you are generously covering all the cost. She needs to shut the hell up.

My DM was similar. Complained about everything, caused dozens of family crisis points until I wanted to elope. Don't put up with this. Its your day.

Bellringer · 13/11/2021 16:16

Tell her not to come. Send her a bit of cake and some photos

godmum56 · 13/11/2021 16:27

@Bellringer

Tell her not to come. Send her a bit of cake and some photos
this....make sure its the crumbly bit with no icing
MagpieCastle · 13/11/2021 16:36

Just adding to what others say -
a) you have done nothing wrong
b) you have already been amazingly accommodating

So, you could answer short and sweet something like...’ok thanks, have cancelled nail appt.. Assuming from rest of your communication you no longer want to attend, Ta for letting me know, will amend guest list accordingly....’

You are very forgiving but she really is making this all about her whereas, to a loving mum, it should be all about you.

Whatever happens (and I’m aware in real life mn advice might not always fit, so please do what works for your real life situation) please make sure your special day is what you and your partner want - not anyone else trying to manipulate.