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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be with my friend after a miscarriage

65 replies

Sunshinelollypops8 · 13/11/2021 12:49

So I can't work out if I'm being too sensitive.
I had a miscarriage this week. My friend knows this and she has asked me to be with her next week whilst she has an abortion. Iv said I can't but I feel really bad for not being there and I know she's annoyed at me.
Am I being unreasonable?
I am by no means against abortions and I told her before my miscarriage I would support her whatever her decision but I just don't know if I can.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
ButtonMoonLoon · 13/11/2021 12:53

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, if anything I think she has been very insensitive to even ask you right now.
I’m very sorry for your loss x

cherrybonbons · 13/11/2021 12:53

Omfg. No you can't.

NeedsCharging · 13/11/2021 12:54

No you are not being too sensitive.
I do think your friend is being very insensitive though!

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

MumInBrussels · 13/11/2021 12:54

You're not being unreasonable - I'm really sorry for your loss. Does she have anyone else who could go? Even if she doesn't, you're still not being unreasonable in not going with her. I'm sure it's not easy for her, but this is not something you have to do. She should realise this, and hopefully will soon!

Rachel4545 · 13/11/2021 12:55

I can’t believe she even asked!

Cocomarine · 13/11/2021 12:55

Bloody hell she takes the piss!
I’m sorry for your loss Flowers
You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
I had miscarriages and am pro-choice. I would gladly support a friend through abortion. But not a week after a miscarriage.
Is she usually this selfish?

Bonbon21 · 13/11/2021 12:56

I am so very sorry for your loss.
You must be devasted.
Your friend needs to find someone else to hold her hand.. very selfish not to understand you simply cannot be that one since your circumstances have changed so suddenly.
Look after yourself.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/11/2021 12:57

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course YANBU. I can't believe she's actually still expecting you to go to such a place with her at a time like this. Not only because its obviously very triggering but surely physically you're not up to it. I've got plenty more I could say. However as my Nan used to say "You can think what you like but you cant say what you like, so I'll shut up now.

Nowomenaroundeh · 13/11/2021 12:58

How could she think this was a reasonable request? I remember having an abortion years ago and my brother asking me not to come over to the house as his wife was pregnant and would be upset. I agreed but secretly thought it was a little unkind. Your friend is deeply insensitive.

uhohspaghettiohh · 13/11/2021 13:02

She's not your friend. How she can even think you'd be ok being there is beyond me.

I hope you're ok, OP. Miscarriages are so hard. Take your time. Life really is shit at times Thanks

girlmom21 · 13/11/2021 13:03

You're not unreasonable. People handle these things differently.

I could have done this the week after my miscarriage but I couldn't have been around a friend with a healthy late-term pregnancy.

Sally872 · 13/11/2021 13:05

Very insensitive for friend to ask you at this time. Yanbu.

Viviennemary · 13/11/2021 13:07

Whether or not you have had a miscarriage you are totally within your rights not to be her support person for an abortion. How could anyone be so thick skinned and unaware.

Grasshopper90 · 13/11/2021 13:15

So sorry for your loss, I have been there and it’s hard 💐
You are definitely not being unreasonable and she is being very insensitive. She needs to find someone else to go with her.

CLP86 · 13/11/2021 13:23

Im sorry for your loss - she is being completely unreasonable even asking you to attend & then being annoyed with you. Not on.

Look after yourself - x

JackieQueen · 13/11/2021 13:25

Omg I can't believe she even asked you! I'm pro choice but that is so insensitive, she needs to find someone else. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Hankunamatata · 13/11/2021 13:30

Did you have a very early miscarriage like before 8 weeks? I think some people dont view early mc as a traumatic experience, it may be why your friend asked you wihtout thinking. Sorry for your loss

Thwackit · 13/11/2021 13:32

Not remotely unreasonable for you to not want to have to accompany and support her when you still need time and recovery from your own pregnancy-related grief. She’s being really selfish to expect this from you right now, actually.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/11/2021 13:36

No way. That's an awful thing to ask. Although I wouldn't be able to support anyone I knew who was having an abortion.

Robostripes · 13/11/2021 13:44

@Toddlerteaplease

No way. That's an awful thing to ask. Although I wouldn't be able to support anyone I knew who was having an abortion.
Well aren’t you a delight Hmm glad you’re not my friend!

OP I think her request is a little insensitive in the circumstances, but maybe she doesn’t have anyone else to ask. If you don’t feel you can go with her (which is perfectly understandable) is there someone else who will?

MarrymeTomHardy · 13/11/2021 13:51

So sorry for your loss.
Some years ago I suffered a miscarriage & my best friend aborted a week later ( but didnt ask me to go).
She is being unreasonable asking you to go.
I took some space from my friend but we are still best friends now.
Explain to her that you still support her decision but that you need to look after yourself first right now.
Again, I am sorry for your loss Flowers

MarrymeTomHardy · 13/11/2021 13:52

@Toddlerteaplease

No way. That's an awful thing to ask. Although I wouldn't be able to support anyone I knew who was having an abortion.
You have no idea of the circumstances.
maras2 · 13/11/2021 13:52

I'm completely pro choice but wouldn't want to do this. Sad
I think that your friend is being unfair and rather thoughtless.
Sorry for your loss. Flowers

5thnonblonde · 13/11/2021 13:54

My closest friend is going through IVF right now. I had an EMA recently and she is unaware. It was a difficult decision and hard to put a face on and keep it from her but the last thing she needs to hear rn is my we-only-did-it-once-and-the-MAP-failed tale.

I’m sure your friend is having a super tough time, but you need to know who it’s fair to lean on and in this case it’s not you.

MushMonster · 13/11/2021 13:54

Do not go if you do not feel up to it OP.
Too may feeings for you here, and you will not be a good support to your friend while you are dealung with this.
Surely she can understand this.
Flowers

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