To not be with my friend after a miscarriage

[Sunshinelollypops8]

So I can't work out if I'm being too sensitive.
I had a miscarriage this week. My friend knows this and she has asked me to be with her next week whilst she has an abortion. Iv said I can't but I feel really bad for not being there and I know she's annoyed at me.
Am I being unreasonable?
I am by no means against abortions and I told her before my miscarriage I would support her whatever her decision but I just don't know if I can.
Thanks in advance

Thank you all for your responses and kind regards.
She has lots of other people who know about her pregnancy that she can ask to attend with her. I'm feeling very hurt that she could even ask me right now. I hid the miscarriage from her for a few days because she at first thought she wanted to keep the baby and I didn't want to worry her as she has had a miscarriage before.
X

"I told her before my miscarriage I would support her whatever her decision but I just don't know if I can."

I think your friend is being insensitive here. She's not taking account of your feelings post-miscarriage. Before, being there for her you'd have been focussed on her. Now, you are grieving. Plus your hormones are probably swinging and making everything more emotional.

Whilst I can appreciate her upcoming abortion may be pushing thoughts of all else out of her head, If she really can't see that the miscarriage affects your ability to support her, she's a bit lacking in emotional intelligence.

Jesus!! Your friend is a dick OP.
You can't do that and she can't expect you too - I'm amazed she even asked!!

You have enough of your own plate right now to be there for anyone else. Regardless of what they want from you. But yes, asking you for support with that does smack of being insensitive.

Bloody hell your not being unreasonable in any way shape or form, I'm actually staggered that she would even ask you to go to her abortion after knowing you've had a miscarriage

Very sorry for your loss

As she’s had a mc herself you’d think she could summon up some empathy and not be a dick.

She’s annoyed is she? Tough shit. I’m furious on your behalf so tell her to fuck off if she gives you any grief.

Look after yourself.

No, you need to put yourself first. Don’t even go over the issue. She’s asked (unreasonable), you’ve said no. End of issue.

@Robostripes if I'm allowed to be pro choice. Then I choose to disagree with abortion.

@Sunshinelollypops8
No way could you be there for her, I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and no way would I be able to hold the hand of someone having an abortion after one of my miscarriages.

Look after yourself op and remember you come before her she can get someone else to go with her. If she goes off on one again at you she not a friend thinking of herself and not what your going through. 💐

I am a practicing Catholic and it goes with the territory. I do not foist my beliefs on others. I just would not support anyone. Unless it was TFMR for a condition that is absolutely incompatible with life. That's different.

I'd do it. It's really unfortunate timing, but it isn't like she can change that. She may not have anyone else and I couldn't leave a friend alone in such an hour of need.

You aren't unreasonable in any way to feel this is beyond you right now. I'm sorry for your loss.

@Toddlerteaplease

I am a practicing Catholic and it goes with the territory. I do not foist my beliefs on others. I just would not support anyone. Unless it was TFMR for a condition that is absolutely incompatible with life. That's different.

I personally don't think you have to agree with their choice to be supportive of a friend

I agree with some posters that say she’s been incredibly insensitive. You need to look after you. Your mental health comes first right now. I’m going through IVF and have had to prioritise my mental well-being over friends demands. I’ve lost a fair few friends to putting my mental health first. I used to put everyone else first but when you’re taking for granted and your feelings aren’t considered, you’ve got to think, is it worth it?

@BadwordMcGee

I'd do it. It's really unfortunate timing, but it isn't like she can change that. She may not have anyone else and I couldn't leave a friend alone in such an hour of need.

But there are other people.

YANBU OP. Sorry for your loss

Easing any distress she has by accompanying her is not worth causing you distress by the shitty timing. Don’t go.

Putting aside the fact it's an abortion for one moment as I think that can cloud things for some people.

If she knows you've had a miscarriage, I actually think she is unreasonable to ask for your help with anything the following week. I've never had a miscarriage but I understand that some people would be relatively ok and some people would be devastated and not everyone would necessarily want to talk about it. So unless it was something catastrophic and unplanned and I had literally no other support (I'm thinking a situation like a sudden death in the family) there is no way I'd try and lean on a friend who had just had a miscarriage, for support with anything, full stop.

Right now this is likely going to be the biggest thing your friend is dealing with, and she’s going to be wrapped up in the stress of her own situation and not thinking of you. I don’t think this necessarily makes her a dick, unless she’s got form. Her needs right now are incompatible with yours.

She's being unreasonable expecting you there, hardly supporting your needs is it? So don't put her needs first either.

I don't think she was unreasonable to ask, she turned to her friend for support. I do think she's unreasonable for being annoyed with you though, she should understand why you said no.

However I do feel that this may be the end of your friendship.

I think this may be the end of your friendship. The fact that she even asked, never mind expected you to come with her is unbelievably insensitive.

Yes, she’s going through a difficult time. But so are you. I’m absolutely pro choice, but you are not the right person to ask for support now, given the specific circumstances. I’d expect a true friend to see that

And also I dont think she can have it both ways -

She either thinks it's a minor medical procedure and therefore although she might prefer to have support, she will be fine without it.

Or she views it as a baby already and having to make a decision she is uncomfortable with for various emotional reasons in which case she should recognise it may also be too emotional for you.

It's either really self absorbed or selfish that she has asked you this

I’m also as pro-choice as they get, but think your friend is off-the-scale insensitive.

Wow. Massively unreasonable of your friend. If she’s not normally insensitive, I’d say she’s maybe slightly overwhelmed and not thinking straight. But no, you absolutely should not have to do this.

I say this as someone who has had both a miscarriage and an abortion.

Omfg.

She's a dick.

The only vague excuse might be that she's under a lot of stress, clearly.

But still!!!!!

I would just not communicate with her for now, hopefully she will realise how compleetely unreasonable she's been pretty soon. Don't even reply to any 'annoyed' texts.

Hopefully someone her end will pull her up on it.

Sorry for your loss.