Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Meeting the OW?

53 replies

nanbread · 12/11/2021 17:27

A friend of mine's DH left her for another younger, childless woman about a year ago, and recently OW has been spending more and more time with their DC. Friend is devastated by whole thing.

Friend wants to meet OW to try to move on and also so they can be friendly with each other if she is going to be so involved in DC's life. I wouldn't be surprised if her dickhead DH spun the usual lies to OW about their marriage being over way before it was, about DF being a horrible person etc.

He lied to DF when he left saying there was no one else, when he'd been having an affair, so he has form.

Is it a good idea for her to meet OW?

YANBU it's a good idea

YABU no she should stay away from her

OP posts:

SlamLikeAGuitar · 12/11/2021 17:28

If someone was spending time with my DCs then yeah, I’d want to meet them.

Littlemissweepy · 12/11/2021 17:30

I would commend your DF for her dignified and mature attitude and for putting her children first.

KnobblyWand · 12/11/2021 17:30

That sounds painful, but I think it's a good idea, yes. If she's in her childrens' lives, being the bigger person would make it easier for them and dispel myths possibly created by the adulterer, as you say.

I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to lay eyes on her either.

milkytwilight · 12/11/2021 17:31

It isnt her choice though, what if OW just says no?

Suzi888 · 12/11/2021 17:31

@SlamLikeAGuitar

If someone was spending time with my DCs then yeah, I’d want to meet them.

^ Absolutely

HangOnToYourself · 12/11/2021 17:33

Your Df sounds like a very dignified and mature person, I'm not sure I could find it in me.

Mumoblue · 12/11/2021 17:34

Bad idea, in my opinion.
In the long run she won’t get anything from it. I get that she’s spending time with the DC, but that’s going to happen anyway.
I’d just be as NC with both of them as humanly possible. Don’t interact beyond what’s necessary and don’t give them any more energy.

Meeting OW won’t help her move on, that’s work she has to do on her own.

HansSolo22 · 12/11/2021 17:35

As hard as it will be for her, I think it's a good idea. It may bring her some closure and I would want to meet someone who is spending time with my children, regardless of the circumstances as to why. I think it shows a huge amount of dignity that your friend is wanting to do this. Unless of course she wants to cause trouble, which isn't the impression I get from your post. It's how I'd like to think I'd behave if I found myself in similar circumstances.

RudestLittleMadam · 12/11/2021 17:36

Nothing wrong with her wanting to meet this woman, but if she doesn’t want to meet your friend there’s nothing your friend can do about it as her shithead ex husband has the right to spend time with the children and his girlfriend at the same time.

thisplaceisapigsty · 12/11/2021 17:36

Your friend is an absolute star trying to move on like this and be the mature adult. I don't think anyone would blame her for anything she did in this situation, but meeting the OW and getting to know her for the sake of the dc is by far the best option, hard as it is.

TurnUpTurnip · 12/11/2021 17:37

Only if she is willing to do the same and allow her ex to meet anyone new she dates

girlmom21 · 12/11/2021 17:37

I'd want to meet her but they need to focus solely on the children and the future.

There's no point knowing who knew what when and all the sordid affair details. It'll only sour the relationship even more, regardless of the outcome.

Clocktopus · 12/11/2021 17:37

Only if the OW is agreeable to it and wants to meet. If she doesn't then your DF will have to let it go as she doesn't have a right to meet the new girlfriend/OW (just as her ex wouldn't have a right to meet any new partner of hers).

thepeopleversuswork · 12/11/2021 17:39

I think it’s a good idea for the sake of the DC. I think your friend needs to wait until she is feeling pretty chilled about it before she does it. It sounds pretty early days in terms of her recovery from the whole thing. It could be very triggering.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 12/11/2021 17:48

Making the offer is a good thing, assuming ex will tell OW it has been made.

Somewhere neutral for a cup of coffee or just in a park for 5 minutes. A quick hello to break the ice.

I would imagine that a woman making this offer wouldn't find it at all objectionable for any long-term partner she has to be asked for a similar quick meeting. It makes the same sense both ways.

Even DHs excruciatingly bitter DM managed to meet FILs next wives and be amicable with them. She didn't hate them after all. And a quick meeting didn't allow her to fill their brains with her bile 🙂 Though they did all (another 3 of them) all agree with her in the end.

HugeAckmansWife · 12/11/2021 18:26

Only if ex can meet her dates.... Well no, not anyone she dates. Maybe someone who she develops a serious and possibly permanent relationship with but I don't think it's the same. Assuming the ow knew he was a married father, the OPs friend has every reason to think this woman is a horrible selfish person. That's not the case with any new person she may meet down the line.

WonderfulYou · 12/11/2021 18:50

It’s way too soon to meet her, her feelings must be still quite raw.

I don’t think it’s necessary to meet ex partners new partners.
My dad never met my stepdad.

It’s lovely if they can eventually all get on but she has no right to meet her just because she’s around her DCs. And if she was the OW I doubt they’ll get on well anyway.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/11/2021 18:56

As long as the OW is happy.
I wouldn't go spilling my guts to OW but if they were going to a be a big part of my DC's life I'd like to meet them.
Very few women give birth knowing they'll be sharing their DC with another woman.
If it was the case I'd hope we could be polite.

FromMumToMeAgain · 12/11/2021 20:04

Urgh. I don’t see anything good for your friend coming from meeting and being friendly to the skanky bitch who was shagging her husband knowing he had a wife and young DC. Apart from making her feel more like shit and having to keep her ‘dignity’ (meaning letting people shit on you and get away with it) at the expense of her own MH.

I would not be able to hold my anger so it would be better for everyone involved if she (and he) was never in my vicinity. I certainly wouldn’t care that she might have been gullible enough to fall for the bullshit my husband might have told her.

Is your friend hoping the OW might break up with him if she knows the truth and he might go back to her? The fact she’s got involved so quickly with his DC after helping break up their family surely shows she’s not got any conscience at all.

Her ex is responsible for for who is around her DC when they’re with him. As long as they are not mentioning anything untoward I wouldn’t be giving her the time of day. If she tried to turn up to DC events, I’d tell her to leave. If the DC asked why I didn’t like her, I’d tell them the age appropriate truth. In fact I would have told them the age appropriate truth at the time the affair was uncovered. What are they learning? That someone can betray you and devastate you in the worst way, and you have to suck it up, hide your feelings and be nice to them?

Being dignified and silent in situations like this only helps the scumbags to carry on with impunity.

Yes her DC should come first but you have to draw the line somewhere and that would be well beyond mine!

RedWingBoots · 12/11/2021 20:30

Your friend shouldn't go out of her way to meet the woman her ex had an affair with. Instead if she drops off or picks up the children she should go over and introduce herself.

This is because it is already established her ex is a liar and cheat, and it is not know what lies he has been telling both women.

If her ex decides to be a shit in future in a way that causes issues for the children your friend doesn't want his current partner piling in.

If she stays a dignified distance from his current partner then if he is a shit, she has more chance of getting someone - and that could be one of his relations - to act in their children's best interests when they are with him.

Whatinthelord · 12/11/2021 20:36

I personally don’t think she needs to meet the OW. while I appreciate it’s nicer to know the people your children are spending time with, surely her Ex will ensure the people he brings around the kids are safe.
Thing is if she takes that approach is she going to be happy if\when her ex asks to meet her new partners?

It just seems unneccissary at this point….. unless all the adult involved are unusually mature and able to manage meeting really amicably and without drama.

Original poster

nanbread · 12/11/2021 20:49

No, I don't think so. She is incredibly hurt but has accepted it's over.

They were having an affair for a long time before the split, well over a year I guess, so it was 2+ years into their relationship before OW met the DC, so probably didn't seem that quick to her.

Who knows what he's told OW about the marriage as well, probably that it was over before they got together but were still living together for sake of kids etc etc

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/11/2021 21:16

I think I agree with meeting the OW if there are children involved.

The last thing one friend of mine wanted to do was to meet the OW. But her exH started bringing her to the DC's sports events as soon as they separated and eventually it just seemed stupid to keep walking away from where the DC were simply to avoid her. She said it was painful to paste a smile grimace on her face and act like everything was fine when it was still so fresh. But she did it for her DC.

She made it clear to OW by her demeanor that they were not and never would be 'pals' but that she would be polite to her in front of the DC. The Ex and OW eventually married and the relationship has thawed in the 20 years that have followed. Especially since my friend has seen that her Ex treats the OW as disrespectfully as he treated her. Nowadays she says (tongue in cheek) that she's grateful to the OW for taking him off her hands.

Guavaf1sh · 12/11/2021 21:20

Meeting is a bad idea mainly as it’s very obviously a bad idea

Tomhardyshadabath · 12/11/2021 22:01

I did this following similar circumstances (ex-husband had a long affair and subsequently left to live with a childless woman ten years younger than me). Although the focus of the meeting was the children as OW was pregnant, I found it surprisingly liberating. She wasn't the so-much-better-than-me person that I been torturing myself with, she was just completely ordinary. She was also pregnant and now stuck with my man-child exh forever! Our meeting was the point at which I truly put all of the hurt behind me and we get on perfectly civilly now. It also really helps with arrangements for the children. However, this was five years after my marriage ended so enough time had passed I think that it would have been a very different meeting a year on. Incidentally, she came away from the meeting initially feeling a lot worse - I think my ex-husband's portrayal of me had been less than flattering..I'm really happy these days.

Flip

1 2 3