Meeting the OW?

[nanbread]

A friend of mine's DH left her for another younger, childless woman about a year ago, and recently OW has been spending more and more time with their DC. Friend is devastated by whole thing.

Friend wants to meet OW to try to move on and also so they can be friendly with each other if she is going to be so involved in DC's life. I wouldn't be surprised if her dickhead DH spun the usual lies to OW about their marriage being over way before it was, about DF being a horrible person etc.

He lied to DF when he left saying there was no one else, when he'd been having an affair, so he has form.

Is it a good idea for her to meet OW?

YANBU it's a good idea

YABU no she should stay away from her

She would be the last person in the universe that I would want to meet.
This won't achieve anything. The children are going to be spending time with this woman whether she meets her or not?
Keeping as much distance as possible from her ex and his new woman will be the only way for her to start recovering. Why would she want to see this pair of self serving assholes? The pair of them have totally trampled all over her and her children's lives, not giving a hoot about anyone but themselves. If it was me she would pray she wasn't going to come face to face with me.

I was in this position 4 years ago.

I wanted to "meet" her.... although l technically already had as l knew her ..... to make things amicable. I also wanted to make her squirm.....

4 years on, they are married. We all get on absolutely fine. She is really good with the DC which l am grateful for.

I should have mentioned however that l had been miserable for years, so l wasn't that bothered that he'd met someone else.... which probably helped immensely.

I think she's really struggling to move on and find peace, she feels like she's been really fucked over (without going into detail he has tried to screw her over financially as well as emotionally), and she's desperate to try anything she can.

I think it might help her to see the OW as just a woman, not something to be scared of, intimidated by, threatened by, a real person with good traits and flaws.

@Tomhardyshadabath

I did this following similar circumstances (ex-husband had a long affair and subsequently left to live with a childless woman ten years younger than me). Although the focus of the meeting was the children as OW was pregnant, I found it surprisingly liberating. She wasn't the so-much-better-than-me person that I been torturing myself with, she was just completely ordinary. She was also pregnant and now stuck with my man-child exh forever! Our meeting was the point at which I truly put all of the hurt behind me and we get on perfectly civilly now. It also really helps with arrangements for the children. However, this was five years after my marriage ended so enough time had passed I think that it would have been a very different meeting a year on. Incidentally, she came away from the meeting initially feeling a lot worse - I think my ex-husband's portrayal of me had been less than flattering..I'm really happy these days.

This is the sort of thing I think she's hoping to get out of it

@nanbread

I think she's really struggling to move on and find peace, she feels like she's been really fucked over (without going into detail he has tried to screw her over financially as well as emotionally), and she's desperate to try anything she can.

I think it might help her to see the OW as just a woman, not something to be scared of, intimidated by, threatened by, a real person with good traits and flaws.

She's not doing it for the kids then, is she? She's doing it selfishly.

That's a bad idea.

Why? Jesus why does a woman in this position have to do everything for the kids, nothing for herself and not be a little bit selfish?? If it will help her and ow agrees, do it. So long as she feels she's in control enough not to cry, or hit her or something but be glacially cool and dignified, fine.

It may not be her decision - if her ex or the OW refuse, she can't force it to happen. Has she mentioned the idea to her ex?

@HugeAckmansWife

Why? Jesus why does a woman in this position have to do everything for the kids, nothing for herself and not be a little bit selfish?? If it will help her and ow agrees, do it. So long as she feels she's in control enough not to cry, or hit her or something but be glacially cool and dignified, fine.

Because she's still hurting too much. The initial OP said she wanted to be friendly with the OW for the sake of kids but that's not the case.

The OP isn't going to feel any better after the meeting if her intention is for it to help her get past the affair. It won't help her because she can't get the answers she needs without it being really awkward and difficult.

She needs to compartmentalise the affair and work on it herself. She can't expect the OW to help her recover from it.

Bad idea. Far too soon.

She's not doing it for the kids then, is she? She's doing it selfishly.

It's also because she wants harmonious parenting

@girlmom21
But her being at peace / moving on would also be hugely beneficial for the DC too, it's not good for them to have a tormented mum who is struggling.

@LoveComesQuickly

It may not be her decision - if her ex or the OW refuse, she can't force it to happen. Has she mentioned the idea to her ex?

Not yet and I have a feeling he will move heaven and earth to avoid it, as his lies on both could be found out.

@nanbread do you genuinely think the meeting would bring her that peace?

I don't think she'll get all the answers or clarity that she needs.

@TurnUpTurnip

Only if she is willing to do the same and allow her ex to meet anyone new she dates

bit of a difference between a partner that is going to be part of the childrens lives going forward and "anyone new DF dates"

Plus if ExH has for for having affairs, he's as likely to be dating someone new before DH.

Very commendable attitude on the part of your friend - although mayve set her sights on a civil relationship than one of friendship?

Not sure I'd want to but it's probably the right thing to do. Your DF is a better woman than me

@nanbread

I think she's really struggling to move on and find peace, she feels like she's been really fucked over (without going into detail he has tried to screw her over financially as well as emotionally), and she's desperate to try anything she can.

I think it might help her to see the OW as just a woman, not something to be scared of, intimidated by, threatened by, a real person with good traits and flaws.

This could go either way surely. What if she’s beautiful and kind with an exceptionally amazing personality?

I think it’s better she works on healing herself independently of them.

Personally, having been in your friend's situation, I had no expectation to meet the OW. I don't think she would want to meet me and to do so felt contrived and actually quite odd. We are now 7 years down the line. I have seen her and waved hi but never actually met her. Similarly my ex has never met my partner.

My view is that me and my ex are the parents. We do the parenting and there is no need to meet each other's partners.

If I was a stepmum I would refuse to meet the children's mum to be honest.

I imagine it will be incredibly difficult but if this is likely to be a long-term thing then ripping off the plaster might be helpful. A friend of mine has parents who have always hated each other post divorce and her mum can’t stand her dad’s partner (or her mil). That bitterness has ruined so many of her special occasions as an adult from her graduation, to wedding. She can’t do family birthdays for her children because of the politics.

I’d like to think I could meet an OH given the above but I’m sure I’d hate it.

Yabu, the OW isnt a tool for friend to use to feel better.

Unless she thinks OW is a danger to the kids then she has to trust his judgement.

Kids arent pawns to be used to justify a meetong by saying it would help your friend heal and be a better mum- she is the mum they have amd she has to deal with her own healing.

Sympathy to her but she deserves more than a cheater.

It was the best thing i ever did

I actually had the same happen to me. I wouldn't speak to OW for a year or so as I was rightfully angry, but now we are very close. I think if you can, let bygones be bygones.

Why on earth are you calling him 'D' H??!

But ime yes it's a good thing to meet her if it's going to be a long term thing. My ex's now gf isn't the OW but anyone who is in my dcs life long term I prefer to know

Why on earth are you calling him 'D' H??!

Very good point! I think I just got into habit of using it as shorthand for husband. They're not divorced yet.

Seems like quite a mixed bag of answers here. Will see what happens with friend. She's decided to leave it for now.

I'm getting the vibe from your posts that her wanting to meet the OW, isn't about harmonious parenting and the kids at all.

Besides, parenting is not her job. That's the job of the DC's parents.