be upset my husband is onlyfans?

[LauraJaneJones]

Just clicked on his email since I was at his desk and I just thought hm, let's click this tab..... only fans password change.

We do not have an open relationship. AIBU to be upset about this? I feel it's like cheating as he's getting private stuff off these women? I am unsure how it works, any insight helpful.

Easy to say its a deal breaker when it's not happening to you

I agree it's easy to say but some of us mean it! Many people have hard lines in relationships and paying for personalised porn (assuming that's what's going on here) is one of mine. For me it's a case of self-respect. I value mine and wouldn't tolerate this. I have ended a marriage for something similar, it certainly wasn't easy but the alternative would have left my self-esteem in the toilet.

Easy to say its a deal breaker when it's not happening to you

No it’s easier to say you’d end the relationship when it’s not happening to you.

Having an onlyfans account is no different from having an Instagram or tiktok account in my eyes so I wouldn’t break up with someone over it.

@traka

Reddit is a million times worse than OF

It's full of women advertising theirs onlyfans accounts.

@CommonRoom

The vast majority of women are on OF because they have control over content and presentation and can earn significant amounts of money

There we go again. 'Empowerment, Control, choice, earning lots of money'. Bollocks

It's not fine though is it? Why don't you do it OP? Or your daughter? Or niece? Perhaps I should stop being a teacher. I could earn more on OF. I wonder why I don't?

I don't do it because I DO have a choice, and it would make me feel crap.

I mean... I wouldn't want my kids to be an artist or musician (even though I do art myself). Lots of things you'd dissuade your kids from doing, still not the end of the world

I also don't think using your kids is the best example, because frankly, what parent wants to think about their kids sexual life? I wouldn't encourage my kids to sleep with someone they met at the club that people do that for free

Absolute deal breaker. He’s almost certainly paying women for personalised content / requests which could be anything from photos to videos to live webcam. It is a platform that goes a step beyond watching porn because the people on it are paid by ‘fans’ to be interactive and take requests. My personal view is that it bridges a gap between porn and physical prostitution. So, you need to check what exactly he’s been paying for.

@tarasmalatarocks

Sit him down, say you would like him to log into his only fans account in front of you — his history will be on it I’m sure— if it’s recipes and othercwholesome stuff— all well and good, somehow I would be surprised- !! For me it’s a complete no no

This. If he won’t instantly log in to show you, it’s bags packed and out. Be clear showing you later is too late, he might have deleted stuff, or set up a new clean account that follows cake bakers. If that’s what’s on it, show you now. You know most men using it are there for porn and sex chat, so it is perfectly natural you are suspicious. Of course easier if you can just log in yourself on his computer and see! Be prepared for him to come back and say I will show you after he’s cleaned it up (if you can clean it up- I have no idea)!

I mean... I wouldn't want my kids to be an artist or musician (even though I do art myself). Lots of things you'd dissuade your kids from doing, still not the end of the world

Oh come on you're being disingenuous here. Your child being a prostitute is literally the end of the world for any right minded parent.There's practically no worse outcome except perhaps serious criminality. I have two DDs and if this ends up being the path they go down I will hang my head in shame for having failed them.

Those saying he could be on there for an innocent reason are being a little naive or at best disingenuous! Why would be keep it to himself if he was? I don't buy it!

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity

Those saying he could be on there for an innocent reason are being a little naive or at best disingenuous! Why would be keep it to himself if he was? I don't buy it!

Do you need to tell your partner about every site you sign up to? Weird!

I think op needs to find out what he is actually doing or make sure it isn't a scam/phishing email before she jumps to conclusions.

As someone whose marriage is currently being destroyed by the behaviour of my husband on OnlyFans, I can elucidate for the benefit of other women. If they are engaging with the porn side, it ranges from paying for a subscription which gives you access to some pre made videos and you get daily messages showing a clip of the woman's vag for example asking you to pay more to see more. The more you pay the more you get which goes up to one-to-one sexting or video calls- as far as taking it off OF and using personal numbers for Snapchat or WhatsApp video calls. Not much difference at that level to sexting/having video sex with someone you've met in the pub only you're not going to meet them in real life and you're being fleeced as the women are charging a fortune so it's a bit pathetic all round.

@Thwackit

Absolute deal breaker. He’s almost certainly paying women for personalised content / requests which could be anything from photos to videos to live webcam. It is a platform that goes a step beyond watching porn because the people on it are paid by ‘fans’ to be interactive and take requests. My personal view is that it bridges a gap between porn and physical prostitution. So, you need to check what exactly he’s been paying for.

How have you come to this conclusion on the type of content this man is buying from the original post? Absolute nonsense from you. The only thing that's almost certain is that Thwackit likes making massive jumps to conclusions.

As others have said. Only fans is just a platform for content creates to sell their expertise. You can subscribe to professional chefs, advice on updating your cv, learn about investing, take a creative writing class etc. Yes, there is also sexual content. If I was op, I would first find out what the husband is subscribed to. If it's sexual then you need to decide if you consider it cheating and maybe after talking to him you can get a better idea on what to do next.

Agree with a pp you need to ask him to login in front of you, there and then, so you can see what he's been up to. If he refuses, then you have your answer.

Some men are such fools when it comes to stuff like this. It's so grubby!

Seems like watching porn = cheating to some pp, very strange.

Lol at the OnlyFans PR team in here “it’s not just porn, there’s videos of Kerry Katona in her pants teaching you how to update your cv” 🤣

It’s personalised porn OP, men pay money to ask other women to fulfil their sexual desires via pics, videos and chatting.

They have had a huge marketing campaign over the last year and as someone who worked in marketing I can spot partnerships a mile off. They have roped in low level celebrity mums/drug addicts, insecure ex love islanders etc to promote their service as empowering for women. No one in their right mind is paying for some Hollyoaks actress’ lingerie shots, come on. Absolute joke.
The top earners are generally the ones that look as young as possible, the site has had to ban keywords with ages in like “7 year old”, as there were people posting child porn on there.

There is also a lucrative subsection of women buying local school uniforms at the request of perverts and making porn using uniforms as a prop.
It’s sick, don’t believe the hype!

It,'s porn. If you accept porn watching then I wouldnt LTB.
If you do leave him, good luck finding a man who doesnt watch porn, live action or pre filmed.
There arent any.

If youd leave him for having a porn mag or going on pornhub, like the LTB crew recommend above, then go ahead. Welcome to single parenthood.

OP, I suggest a step by step approach.

1. tell you DH you saw the email from OF and would like him to tell you what is he using it for. If he is interested in cooking or crafts he will be very eager to prove it is not porn. If he refuse, doesn't explain you can sssime it is a porn content.

2)if it is porn then you need to ask yourself is it really a deal breaker. How is different from other porn sites really, a bit more personalised maybe, but not necessarily.
The number of women here claiming you should leave the bastard because he is watching porn is absurd. Majority of people watched porn, some significant part of this are women. If every woman left her other half if he watched porn then we would end up with a very high number of break ups.
I would say it is more about how he watches porn, if it is an obsession on daily basis then it is a whole different story.
Only you know your boundaries. If it is something very important and your DH knows about it then by all means leave

Even if most men do watch porn, so what?
Isn’t it time that we raise the bar then.
The indrusti is horrible and anti-women.
Are women so scared to be alone that being with a porn watcher is better?

The average man is not going to think "cooking videos" when he hears "Only fans". I'd be very suprised if that is what OP's husband was watching. Porn is what the site is for.

It’s not a porn site! Just that it has a minority of users who do use it for that purpose

Minority...sure.

It’s the money he’s spending on it that I would object to.
Plus you don’t know what he’s using it for. Any private or one to one interactions would be cheating imo.

The vast majority of people on OnlyFans do not pay for personalised content.

How do I know this? I have several friends who are on it and they told me.

Even if most men do watch porn, so what?
Isn’t it time that we raise the bar then.
The indrusti is horrible and anti-women.
Are women so scared to be alone that being with a porn watcher is better?

Most men do watch porn but so do most women.
We all have different bars.
If you don’t want a partner watching porn then obviously it’s a deal breaker for you but I’ve been on OF a few times and never watched porn on it.
Yes he probably is - but is OP really going to throw an entire relationship away just because he might be watching porn.

[quote CommonRoom]@PlanDeRaccordement

Ah yes. Empowerment, control, choicy, choicy. If you earn money from something then it has to be good. Is that your type of argument?

Funny how it's only women with few options who 'choose' to do this though isn't it? Either that, or women who re extremely fragile for various reasons.[/quote]
I never understand this argument, that it's exploitative because only women with 'few options' choose it.

Is being a cleaner exploitative too then? Or a bin collector? Or any other type of menial labour? Because you won't find anyone with more than 'few options' taking on that type of work either.