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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with MiL?

82 replies

Thistledew · 11/11/2021 18:46

For driving DS unsecured in her car?

She picked him up from school for the first time in a while and found that the straps on his car seat were too tight to do up. Rather than a) phoning DH or I for help/to collect him, b) asking someone at the school for help adjusting the straps, or even c) buckling him in with one of the adult seat belts, she drove him home with him just sitting on the car seat but with no restraint. The journey is only 10 mins but is partly along a main road and partly along single track rural roads which at the moment are frequented by large farm machinery harvesting sugar beet and potatoes.

I have trust issues with her at the moment, which may be souring my view, but AIBU to be angry with her and concerned at her poor decision making?

OP posts:
FOJN · 12/11/2021 10:27

Fomomofo

I'm confused, could you highlight the patronising threat?

I don't think stating you are unhappy with the risk she took and showing her how to adjust the car seat is either patronising or threatening.

Original poster
Thistledew · 12/11/2021 10:37

Doing my best risk assessment, I don't think there is any real likelihood of her repeating this error.

But I do now feel on edge regarding her decision making. It's unfortunate, as generally she is cautious and risk-adverse by nature, so it's not something I've worried about before.

She is also a wonderful and attentive grandmother to the DC and they enjoy their time with her so much that I don't want to inhibit that more than necessary. Fortunately, as circumstances now are, the amount of time she spends with the DCs unsupervised will be minimal, and I will be looking out for other warning signs of poor decision making.

OP posts:
Fomomofo · 12/11/2021 10:39

Fojn, i was referring to - 'you could refuse to allow her any unsupervised contact'

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2021 10:40

There is absolutely no excuse for what she did and her judgment is appalling. She could have killed your child, FFS. I would never trust her again, and as the parent, you have to protect your child from idiots like her. You can't possibly allow someone you know you can't trust to care for him.

FOJN · 12/11/2021 10:44

Fomomofo

Did you mean this sentence?

You could refuse to allow her any unsupervised contact with your son but I'm not sure that would be the most constructive approach at the moment.

Not allowing unsupervised contact was alluded to in a few comments up thread, I disagreed but managed to make my point without targeting specific posters. Some people just love an argument.

Have a good day.

Pumpkinsonparade · 12/11/2021 10:47

My exh never used car seats. Youngest was 3. Court and the police weren't interested.. Bloody disgusting imo.

IntermittentParps · 12/11/2021 11:01

@Thistledew

It would cause considerable upset if I refused to allow her to collect DS again, and to be fair, she does understand the need for children to be restrained, it's just that she didn't think to choose any other option than letting him sit unrestrained on this occasion.
As much 'upset' as if the worst happened? Her feelings come a very distant second to your DC's safety. I would tell her she is not driving DC anywhere again and if she kicked off, remind her not just of safety but also of the law. Let her be upset. It's not your problem.

Your DH, by the way, should be just as angry as you are and just as keen to stop this shit. Is he?

Pumpkinsonparade · 12/11/2021 11:12

Would it not cause more upset watching your ds being picked up off the road when he goes through the windscreen?

HadaVerde · 12/11/2021 12:15

It's just over 4 miles, along unlit roads without any footpaths or lighting! A bit far for a 5yr old. It takes me 25 mins on the bike with a trailer and I'm a fairly seasoned cyclist

Is your 5 year old in the trailer?

wertheppl · 12/11/2021 12:35

Maybe a generation thing as car seats obvs weren't a thing back in the day. She maybe doesn't quite see the big deal it realise how unsafe it is. I know my mum can be a bit relaxed about car seats, she keeps putting my 4yr old in a booster even though I bought her a high back one she threw out the backboard as she thought she was old enough not to need it anymore 🙈 she just doesn't get it.

I don't understand why ur mil didn't put a seatbelt on him at least!

Original poster
Thistledew · 12/11/2021 13:31

@HadaVerde

It's just over 4 miles, along unlit roads without any footpaths or lighting! A bit far for a 5yr old. It takes me 25 mins on the bike with a trailer and I'm a fairly seasoned cyclist

Is your 5 year old in the trailer?

Yes, but obviously I don't cycle when it is dark or getting dark. And I tend to avoid peak harvest time too. The roads are quiet enough to be safe for cycling at other times.
OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 12/11/2021 13:35

She dose understand the need for proper seatbelts and seats, and has in the past talked in horror when she has seen kids unrestrained in a car, which makes it all the more perplexing that she made this decision. I also can't fathom why she didn't put a normal seatbelt on him. I think she panicked and just didn't engage her brain. It is worrying.

OP posts:
HadaVerde · 12/11/2021 13:50

I think riding with a child on a bike trailer is as if not more dangerous than what your MIL did.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/11/2021 13:56

Cycling with a kid in the trailer is more dangerous… come on, leave your mil alone and be thankful for the hekp

Paleandetiolated · 12/11/2021 14:00

Maybe she made a mistake.

Original poster
Thistledew · 12/11/2021 14:08

@HadaVerde

I think riding with a child on a bike trailer is as if not more dangerous than what your MIL did.
Don't be absurd. A decent bike trailer with roll cage and harnesses, plus bike helmets and lights etc is not the same risk as driving with no seatbelt.
OP posts:
ablutiions · 12/11/2021 14:11

Our old neighbours' child was killed in a car accident, when unrestrained (they had unbuckled him as he was crying). They never recovered from the trauma.

Tell your MIL that.

HadaVerde · 12/11/2021 14:31

No it’s not the same risk but it IS a risk.

Original poster
Thistledew · 12/11/2021 14:40

@HadaVerde

No it’s not the same risk but it IS a risk.
Yes, it's a risk, as is everything in life. It's a risk that I balance against the lifestyle and health benefits of cycling rather than driving everywhere. And it's a risk that I take all proper steps to mitigate by using safety equipment etc. So suggesting that in no position to criticise MiL for failing to take the proper safety precautions with my child in her car because I engage in another activity that carries some risks is absurd.
OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 12/11/2021 14:47

@HadaVerde, you're being silly. Everything in life (pretty much) has a risk, as OP says, BUT:
OP is frothing (quite rightly) is that using an appropriate restraint massively reduces the risk of being seriously injured, should there be a crash.

Brefugee · 12/11/2021 14:51

It would cause considerable upset if I refused to allow her to collect DS again

More or less upset than if she does it again and has an accident?

Pumpkinsonparade · 12/11/2021 15:54

With regards to your cycling op.. That is your dc and your risk to take.. Mil doesn't get to decide to put someone else's dc at risk.

AutumnInBustletown · 12/11/2021 15:58

She broke the law... frankly, I would report her to the police.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/11/2021 15:59

It takes me 25 mins on the bike with a trailer and I'm a fairly seasoned cyclist.
That is just as dangerous IMO with the roads you describe.
MIL was definitely wrong not to ring.

TotallySuper · 12/11/2021 16:04

What kind of car seat for a 5 year old still has a harness? Surely at that age all car seats are proper seatbelt only? I'm confused. Unless there is a whole new breed of car seat I'm unaware of. OP a simple solution would be to switch the car seat to one that's main seat belt only therefore easier her to sort or she doesn't pick him up anymore.