To be furious with MiL?

[Thistledew]

For driving DS unsecured in her car?

She picked him up from school for the first time in a while and found that the straps on his car seat were too tight to do up. Rather than a) phoning DH or I for help/to collect him, b) asking someone at the school for help adjusting the straps, or even c) buckling him in with one of the adult seat belts, she drove him home with him just sitting on the car seat but with no restraint. The journey is only 10 mins but is partly along a main road and partly along single track rural roads which at the moment are frequented by large farm machinery harvesting sugar beet and potatoes.

I have trust issues with her at the moment, which may be souring my view, but AIBU to be angry with her and concerned at her poor decision making?

Ionlydomassiveones

As someone who grew up never being buckled into a car (including generations of children from the 60s/70s) it sounds like the perfect excuse to rage and hate on your MIL. God, who would be a mother of sons with the level invective DILs revel in on MN?“

I grew up in the 60s and I think that’s a load of nonsense.

Unfortunately, quite a lot of people who travelled in cars then didn’t get the opportunity to grow up or old because of the lack of seatbelts.

@Chubbycatt

It was only 10mins, the child is fine.

I wouldn't be that bothered but I don't have a MiL and I think that I don't understand how irrational people get with their mils.

I remember a friend of mine asking me when I was being a bit flippant saying the same thing as you - "Where do most accidents happen?"

"Just round the corner"

I'd be furious too OP and would most definitely cause "considerable upset"!

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise that every at accident happens over the course of a few meters / a few seconds? It makes absolutely no difference whether the overall journey was 2 minutes or 6 hours, right?

Sorry @MrsSkylerWhite - I tagged the wrong person! Meant to tag @Chubbycatt.

She sounds a bit thick if she thinks being totally unrestrained is preferable to putting one of the adult belts across him. I’d worry because she couldn’t make this assessment.

@AuntyFungal

Considerable upset or life changing injuries / death.

& no, MiL would not be trusted to pick up again.
I wouldn’t care how much fall out there was.

No one means to have an accident.

^^ This! Absolutely right I 100% agree

Incredibly dangerous. She should not have responsibility over him. She clearly isn't capable of providing acceptable care.

If it causes upset it is because she has done something wrong, not you. Would you keep a childminder or a babysitter who had done this, I sure as hell wouldn't and I wouldn't want her 'help' from now as it isn't good enough. Why should this be brushed under the carpet just because of her age or status as family?
She fucked up and it could have been really serious.

I think you need to take a deep breath and presume that she's made a bad judgement call here, not been deliberately reckless. By which I mean, has she decided he would be safer in the seat but unrestrained than in a normal seat with a belt? Could she use a normal belt over the seat? Did she realise this? If she is using the car seat and is having problems, show her how to use it and what an acceptable alternative is, should she have difficulty in future. I

I would be mad too. Reminds me of a time mil was taking Dd out for the very first time . I sorted car seat out ready for her to put into her car.. I asked if she needed help putting it in (she deffo needed help). She proceeded to tell me that she's had 4 kids and knew how to fit a car seat. She was out struggling for 20 minutes until she finally gave in and asked for help. I would have wanted to know it was done properly anyway!

YANBU.

Seriously, she needs to be told and let her get upset when you don’t let her take him out again. My MIL has the same views that it was fine back in her day. When she didn’t work and the only cat journeys were to the village shop 500m away, not on a fucking motorway

No sorry, it’s on you for not showing her how the seat worked. In her position my Dad would have just stayed outside the school, for hours if needed, until we got there and given us a bollocking.

@WhitePhantom

I'd be furious too OP and would most definitely cause "considerable upset"!

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise that every at accident happens over the course of a few meters / a few seconds? It makes absolutely no difference whether the overall journey was 2 minutes or 6 hours, right?

No I don't realise that at all. The longer the car journey the greater the risk of an accident. That's just basic maths.

@Thatsplentyjack

🤣 there was a thread very similar to this the other day but instead of a mil it was another parent that was lending a hand. The OP was told she was ridiculous and she needed to calm down because it wasn't a big deal, but hey, this one's about an evil bitvh mil so she needs to be burned at the stake 🤣

To be fair, on that thread the question wasn’t ‘should I be cross?’ but was ‘should I phone the police ?’, which I think is why everyone said it was an overreaction.

Meh! Wouldn’t be furious would be grateful for the help and would show her how to adjust the straps for next time

Interesting that it was your five year old son that told you first….

How can you say she understands the importance of the child restraints, she clearly fucking doesn't or she wouldn't have taken this chance.

There should be considerable upset. She needs to realise how serious it is, I wouldn't be letting her (or anyone like minded) drive my children anywhere.

My dad didn't make us wear seatbelts and frankly some of the things he did were ridiculous, letting us stand up on the seats so we could wave out the sunroof. He knows not to be so stupid with his grandchildren as my siblings and I have made it abundantly clear.
Lots of advances in safety mean people have a greater chance of surviving accidents when the equipment is used correctly. No one travels in my car without their seatbelt on, they can walk if they don't like it.

Dh needs to talk to his mum and say of happens again then she wont be having him

Yesterday 21:27 MinnieGirl

Interesting that it was your five year old son that told you first….“

Indeed. Presumably she would have done it again had he not. Just can’t understand it.

If its only 10 minutes maybe they could walk

I'd be grateful for the help, just chalk it up to one time judgement of error and show her how to do it

With risk assessment you have figure out:

1: how likely is it
2: how bad would the consequences be.

1 - wasn’t very likely there would be an accident
2 - consequences could have been fatal.

Your MIL was in the wrong. I guess though it’s worth remembering that in her day seatbelts weren’t even legal so I wouldn’t totally write her off as unfit.

I would definitely be clear that it’s not acceptable in the future and be clear what she needs to do if she’s ever in doubt - bloody phone you!!

It's not unreasonable to be furious but you do need to make sure it does not happen again. I would state very clearly you are unhappy about what she did but rather than dwell on that you want to make sure it never happens again and you would like to show her how to adjust the car seat to make sure your child is strapped in on all future journeys.

I would be doubly pissed off that it was your son and not you MIL who told you. She should have told you and asked for help on how to adjust the car seat. You could refuse to allow her any unsupervised contact with your son but I'm not sure that would be the most constructive approach at the moment. You need to make sure she understands maintaining your child's safety is not optional.

Fojn, talking to a mil like that could ruin the relationship, things can be sorted without resorting to patronising threats

@Fomomofo

If its only 10 minutes maybe they could walk

It's just over 4 miles, along unlit roads without any footpaths or lighting! A bit far for a 5yr old. It takes me 25 mins on the bike with a trailer and I'm a fairly seasoned cyclist.