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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep dd at home until her operation date?

95 replies

Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 08:44

Dd15 is due to have an operation on her knee. She ruptured the acl back in May but this wasn't diagnosed until August, when her knee gave way and she then damaged cartilage. She is very sporty and at an independent school on a sports scholarship and bursary (relevant as we are not well off enough to afford a private operation). Her operation has now been postponed twice - was supposed to be in half term, then was supposed to be this weekend, now the 25 November (surgeons family has Covid) She's also had mocks (which she didn't do amazingly in).

So her op is now 25th November and I'd planned to keep her off school the week before (next week) to minimise chance of Covid. Dh thinks this is silly and an over reaction and that she should go in as it's an expensive school and she needs to make the most of it. Last night dd had a meltdown (she's been really brave about it all until now) and this morning she felt quite hot so I've kept her at home. Dh is sulking and thinks I'm being over protective and silly. He's also a bit annoyed that she didn't do better in her mocks (6s mainly) although I think if she hadn't had the op hanging over her she would have done better as she's very diligent.

The school are happy for her to dial into lessons remotely. I just want her to stay at home now until the 25th as I really really don't want her to catch covid and have to miss the op again. The recovery time is going to be really long and it would be great if she could be back mobile by the summer.

AIBU to just keep her at home now until her op on the 25th?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 11/11/2021 09:12

We did the same thing a few weeks back for my DD’s op. Our whole household isolated and the schools the other two younger kids attend totally understood where I was coming from.

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:15

The school just keep saying it's my decision. It's very academic (god knows how dd got in lol)

OP posts:
LeroyJenkinssss · 11/11/2021 09:16

Absolutely she should isolate! I must admit if my husband was being an arse I’d isolate from him too if your house allows it. Have you had a proper chat about it if he’s normally ok? Day case GAs are three days isolation. Major joint arthroplasty is 10 days.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 11/11/2021 09:16

I of mine also has on operation on the 25th November, we've been told the whole household has to isolate for 3 days before

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:19

She's a day case GA. Basically she's been unable to do sport since May, although she's been cycling and rowing in the gym. She's just hit a really low point I think because we were quite excited about it being this Saturday then it's been moved again. She feels like this is going on for ages and of course she's at that age when her friends are super important and she can't see them/join in with everything as normal

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:19

@Watchingyou2sleezes

I of mine also has on operation on the 25th November, we've been told the whole household has to isolate for 3 days before
Yes this is what dh is refusing to do.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat.

OP posts:
EarlGreywithLemon · 11/11/2021 09:44

I think you should keep her at home. Generally it’s better to have ACL surgery sooner rather than later to prevent further damage to other areas of the knee, so best to avoid another delay if you can.
I had the same operation three years ago - it is a long recovery but having the op is the best thing to do for the long term health of her knee.
As an aside, she will need to be very diligent with physio afterwards- that is key to the op working. I was doing some sort of rehab, at home or in the gym, most days for a full year afterwards (then again I’m older so it’s harder to build muscle back at my age). Is there any way you could afford a private specialist sports physio for her afterwards? The NHS provision can be really patchy on that, and physio is so important for this one.

Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 09:46

Your DH is being an absolute idiot. Her op is more important than anything else - he's not thinking laterally at all. She needs it done so that it stops preying on her mind and disrupting her studies as well as for her health - the logner it gets left the more issues there are likely to be!

No way would I be risking the op not going ahead at this point.

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:46

@EarlGreywithLemon

I think you should keep her at home. Generally it’s better to have ACL surgery sooner rather than later to prevent further damage to other areas of the knee, so best to avoid another delay if you can. I had the same operation three years ago - it is a long recovery but having the op is the best thing to do for the long term health of her knee. As an aside, she will need to be very diligent with physio afterwards- that is key to the op working. I was doing some sort of rehab, at home or in the gym, most days for a full year afterwards (then again I’m older so it’s harder to build muscle back at my age). Is there any way you could afford a private specialist sports physio for her afterwards? The NHS provision can be really patchy on that, and physio is so important for this one.
Thank you, yes we've found a good private physio and she's looking forward to getting going. I think the cartilage damage will make initial rehab slower.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:47

@Skeumorph

Your DH is being an absolute idiot. Her op is more important than anything else - he's not thinking laterally at all. She needs it done so that it stops preying on her mind and disrupting her studies as well as for her health - the logner it gets left the more issues there are likely to be!

No way would I be risking the op not going ahead at this point.

Thanks. I feel exactly this way but he's making me feel like an idiot, school are being frosty about it too.
OP posts:
Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 09:48

He's worried about the effects of her not havng the op (ie doing badly at school!!!) - yet HE won't even isolate for a few days to minimise more grades-affecting disruption and delay?

He's not very bright is he? Or much of a team player...

Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 09:48

Show him this thread and tell him to stop embarrassing himself.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/11/2021 09:49

I would too, Covid is rife and the cold going around here is awful. Either could mean a missed operation.

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 09:50

@Skeumorph

He's worried about the effects of her not havng the op (ie doing badly at school!!!) - yet HE won't even isolate for a few days to minimise more grades-affecting disruption and delay?

He's not very bright is he? Or much of a team player...

I think he's gone a bit mad in the last year or so. He owns his own business and it's not doing as well as he thought. I'm very good at putting work to one side and doing family stuff. He isn't really. He used to be but not now.
OP posts:
Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 09:54

A lot of men are like this though. Here you've got two key ways in which they aren't as sharp, in a lot of cases:

  • not really gettingwhat makes their kids tick. You can see that the main issue is the op, until it's done your DD isn't going to be back to normal and able to concentrate on schoolwork and be back in her groove. He just sees: not in school = grades will fall. Nope.
  • not really seeing a bigger picture overall. Kind of the same thing. Again, he's simply thinking: me want better grades = child needs to be in school. Nope. Right now, everything needs to come second to child getting op with NO chance of futher delay as that is what is causing the issues. You know, for example, that your DD sitting in school stressing about getting covid will actually be worse for her concentration than her being at home, knowing that her parents are doing everything they can to prevent any more delays. She'll probably do better at home now in terms of learning than being in class, as she'll be less stressed overall. But that Does Not Compute with ManBrain...
cadburyegg · 11/11/2021 10:02

YANBU

  • the sooner the better for the op
  • she is 15 so presumably it's not like you have to take time off work to homeschool her
  • school are happy for her to dial in remotely
Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 10:09

@Skeumorph

A lot of men are like this though. Here you've got two key ways in which they aren't as sharp, in a lot of cases:
  • not really gettingwhat makes their kids tick. You can see that the main issue is the op, until it's done your DD isn't going to be back to normal and able to concentrate on schoolwork and be back in her groove. He just sees: not in school = grades will fall. Nope.
  • not really seeing a bigger picture overall. Kind of the same thing. Again, he's simply thinking: me want better grades = child needs to be in school. Nope. Right now, everything needs to come second to child getting op with NO chance of futher delay as that is what is causing the issues. You know, for example, that your DD sitting in school stressing about getting covid will actually be worse for her concentration than her being at home, knowing that her parents are doing everything they can to prevent any more delays. She'll probably do better at home now in terms of learning than being in class, as she'll be less stressed overall. But that Does Not Compute with ManBrain...
Ha ha this is exactly it. I also want her to get the best grades she can but there's no way she's going to be anywhere close to doing that until next term when she's HOPEFULLY had the op and got some mobility back.
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2021 10:14

If he won’t isolate for the 3 days, he will have to stay elsewhere until at least the day your dd comes out of hospital. The isolation post pcr is mandatory. This isn’t major surgery so there may not be advice to isolate after. But there was when I had my op a year ago.

As for the school, will they not give case numbers at all? Not even x number in her year or x number throughout the senior school? A lot of state schools are publishing this information so this isn’t an act of data protection, this sounds like financial protectionism.

I get you’re really nervous. Only the positive person rather than contacts has to isolate now, which makes hospital all the more fraught. As for would I keep your dd off? In your position, probably yes. She’s on a sports scholarship and isn’t fulfilling the criterion right now so the op is important.

But I think you should be putting the fact you’re keeping her off back on the school a bit. As in they can’t tell you and you feel your hand is being forced.

EarlGreywithLemon · 11/11/2021 10:16

I agree that the injury and op will be hanging over her at the moment, especially if she’s sporty and used to being active. Mentally, it’s a very tough injury and even as an adult I really struggled. She’ll be much better (and her schoolwork too) once she’s got the op out of the way and started on her rehab. Post op rehab feels positive, as you’re working towards recovery. Pre op it’s just soul destroying. And we’ll done on getting her a physio - that will help enormously.

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 10:20

@Mummyoflittledragon

If he won’t isolate for the 3 days, he will have to stay elsewhere until at least the day your dd comes out of hospital. The isolation post pcr is mandatory. This isn’t major surgery so there may not be advice to isolate after. But there was when I had my op a year ago.

As for the school, will they not give case numbers at all? Not even x number in her year or x number throughout the senior school? A lot of state schools are publishing this information so this isn’t an act of data protection, this sounds like financial protectionism.

I get you’re really nervous. Only the positive person rather than contacts has to isolate now, which makes hospital all the more fraught. As for would I keep your dd off? In your position, probably yes. She’s on a sports scholarship and isn’t fulfilling the criterion right now so the op is important.

But I think you should be putting the fact you’re keeping her off back on the school a bit. As in they can’t tell you and you feel your hand is being forced.

I've said they are giving me no choice but to keep her off as they won't tell me about cases. Apparently there are "some" but they can't tell me if they are in her year/house. It's really unhelpful. The only person whose been lovely is one of the lower level sports teachers who has been very kind throughout. The rest have been very cold about it. It happened at school and I wonder if they are worried I am going to sue them or something as they are being so odd about it.
OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 11/11/2021 10:22

My DS (27) had a procedure in hospital last month. He had to have a covid test 5 days prior and then to isolate between test and procedure. It’s not just about the patient getting covid it’s also about protecting the surgical, nursing and auxiliary staff as well as other patients in the hospital. Your definitely NBU. Your husband on the other hand is.

Original poster
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 10:24

Dh thinks the school is used to parents going immediately privately for this kind of injury so have no patience for the length of time ists taken on the NHS.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 11/11/2021 10:24

Good idea OP . Do it

Quartz2208 · 11/11/2021 10:24

FIrst off with the 3 day before he is being so unreasonable - he needs to either isolate or go somewhere else. How could he not? That is the hospital requirement.

WIth the rest I guess it is how much you know your daughter. I think if they do offer remote learning then I would accept that.

wizzkidd · 11/11/2021 10:25

We really minimised our social contact before a holiday so yes I would isolate before an important operation. I'm really relaxed about covid and am getting on with life but some things are too important to risk missing.