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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM she needs to abide by our rules

100 replies

User154871 · 10/11/2021 19:24

Hi, sorry in advance for the long post. I've posted about my DM before on the Stately Homes thread. She is narcissistic and an alcoholic. My sister is NC and I want to continue a relationship with her but put boundaries in place to protect us.

We fell out earlier over a small issue of her kissing the baby. I'm due next week, she will be visiting people in another hospital and I said something like 'potentially don't kiss the baby right after coming from a hospital'.

She told me 'I could think again and that she had rights to kiss and hug her grandchild whenever she wanted'.

I shouldn't have responded really - I told her 'you will have the rights we decide you have'. She put the phone down.

She has previously made comments about disregarding our food choices, dummies etc. She wants to do a lot of childcare which will not be happening (but I've avoided the question rather than responding as she sees it as a challenge to overcome if you argue...I was just trying to grey rock). She also has offered to drive us home from the hospital. This will not be happening as she regularly drives over the limit and has no intentions to cut back on her alcohol use (another reason why she will be supervised with the baby and not do childcare).

I've just received a long email telling me that 'Motherhood is not about being in control. She will accept our rules even if she thinks we are wrong but that we need to accept her rules and ideas too.'

AIBU? I wasn't planning on having this conversation at all for a while as it seems silly to make rules about an unborn baby; but I don't know whether she has a point about my need for control. I do have anxiety and like to be in control - mostly because she was always unpredictable and sometimes scary when drunk when I was a child. But now I'm questioning everything and doubting myself. Advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 10/11/2021 20:10

Why on earth are you still wanting a relationship with her? You need to protect yourself and your child.

HiJenny35 · 10/11/2021 20:14

Motherhood actually is about being in control, it's the one time you have to put aside your own dislike of conflict and stand up for the child because they are helpless and control who they are surrounded by. Put your child first and go NC, I'm not sure how you think having this person in your life is healthy or safe for your child.

Original poster
User154871 · 10/11/2021 20:15

@justasking111

This. All three of us bailed out over the years being the last one to give up meant the problems were all mine

I think this is my problem. The rest of my family are people pleasers who are scared of her rages or just try to keep the peace. My sister is NC but gets slated constantly for that decision. I feel guilty and I do love her which makes it hard to go NC. She is a widow who lives alone and her MH isn't great, with her making suicidal comments occasionally (I don't know whether this is for manipulative or genuine reasons). I just feel responsible for her, which is why I'm trying to balance her while keeping my baby safe. I'm due next Friday and potentially having a c section this Friday. She doesn't know the date of the c section so that I don't have to deal with her while I'm in hospital and I don't have to deal with the offer to drive us home (we are going to get a taxi or a lift with a friend). I feel a little better - I was worried I was overreacting.

For those who asked - I've been referred by my midwife for prenatal anxiety and the therapy sessions have already started with a local support service. They have in turn referred me for additional CBT counselling for childhood trauma which is planned to start in a few weeks time.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 10/11/2021 20:18

If she is as unstable and drunk as she sounds you should report her to the dvla and she will have her licence removed. If this doesn’t happen keep reporting until it does. You could literally save a life, or several lives by doing this.

Go no contact. There is no need for you to be putting up with this.

Mediocrates · 10/11/2021 20:26

OP, this sounds exactly like how I imagine my mother would have been as a grandparent.

Because of her behaviour, I went NC 22 years ago at the age of 18 and I have never regretted it. My children were spared her narcissistic fuckery and I was freed from it.

MzHz · 10/11/2021 20:29

My sister is NC and I want to continue a relationship with her but put boundaries in place to protect us

The only protection you have IS no contact

Honestly. You know this

Let her go. Be happy

BrokenButNotFinished · 10/11/2021 20:42

I don't spend much time on here these days, so I haven't seen your other posts. I'm assuming, therefore, that this is your first child.

It seems to me that you're picking over the small stuff (while she's making it about her), when actually a potential lightning bolt is about to hit you. Many people feel the need for a mum when they've just become one themselves - but it doesn't sound like you're going to get any mothering from her. You're going to be vulnerable, looking after the most needy thing that will ever be put in your care, trying to adjust to a new normal and deal with hormones, possibly post-surgery or in pain. And meanwhile your mother is demanding her 'rights'.

You sound like you're being very logical about her behaviour when you were a child, but emotionally this may come back to bite you in the arse when you become a parent yourself. Because you're probably not fine. And you haven't stepped out of her influence.

To be the best parent you can be, you need to be supported. If your mother isn't doing this, she is undermining you and short-changing your child. I realise now that I didn't value myself enough to protect myself from my parents - & it took being responsible for something I valued more for me to see the truth. The drinking, the violence, the narcissism, the total lack of responsibility... I've not seen or spoken to mine now for nearly 16 years. Best thing I ever did. Wish I'd done it sooner. Instinctively, it was because they were attacking me as a parent - but after a fair bit of therapy I reframed all the earlier experiences as abusive (which I had previously made excuses for).

It wasn't easy. It got harder before it became easier. But I am confident that I have protected my children from any impact of their behaviour.

Good luck.

supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 20:43

I want to continue a relationship with her

Why? She is never going to change. She will never become the mum you want, and you know that deep down, don't you? It's time to put your own mental health and your baby first.

billy1966 · 10/11/2021 20:43

Why would you entertain this huge source of stress and anxiety when your new baby would benefit from a happy, relaxed mum?

Cut contact and mind yourself.Flowers

RepentMotherfucker · 10/11/2021 20:48

You are getting great advice here.

You will need all of your patience, tolerance and time for your baby when she comes and how can you have that when the people who should be increasing your support are demanding it from you instead?

NC is the way here.

RonSwansonsChair · 10/11/2021 21:12

I think I remember previous posts of yours, I'm so sorry you're going through this. To be honest, I think your sister has the right idea - you need to go NC. For your own sake and for your children.
Take care, and enjoy your me baby 💐

RonSwansonsChair · 10/11/2021 21:12

*new baby

FictionalCharacter · 10/11/2021 21:18

She has no rights over your child at all, but even apart from her wish to undermine your parenting, her alcohol problem justifies you going NC.

1FootInTheRave · 10/11/2021 21:24

She is a hideous person and an utterly shite mother.

Do your baby a favour and go nc.

Zapx · 10/11/2021 21:37

This may sound dramatic but if you think there is even a chance she won't respect your "no kissing the baby" rule, do not let her anywhere near until baby is at least 4 weeks old. Hope you find a way forward

parietal · 10/11/2021 21:40

Go NC for at least the next 6 months. while baby is little, you need to concentrate on your baby and not battle with your mother.

if you want to reassess after that, you could allow a little LC and see if she can behave. but only after baby is 6 months.

darklamps · 10/11/2021 21:41

I think this won't end well. Is it in your child's best interests to have her in their life. Do you really want the drama for them? Do you want her undermining you to your child? Because it's easier to go low/no contact now rather than when they've developed a relationship.
I wouldn't want my child around someone who over steps my boundaries and has poor/dangerous judgement (drink driving)- what's in it for the child?

BonnesVacances · 10/11/2021 21:41

Seriously. Go NC. If you can't do it for you, do it for your new DC who will be watching and learning. No good is going to come out of it.

Wombat49 · 10/11/2021 21:43

I grew up in an abusive family. I'm definitely controlling but it's my way of anticipating & dealing with danger.

Put it this way, if you thought she wasn't a threat, you'd be more relaxed, wouldn't you?

1forAll74 · 10/11/2021 21:43

She won't be going anyware soon, if she gets stopped for driving in the car when drinking, or you report her for doing so. You won't get far with her common sense,if she is a Narc, and a boozer. Just putting up with her from afar is best.

3scape · 10/11/2021 21:45

I am trying to work out what benefit it would be to your child to have this woman in their life.

Tallisimo · 10/11/2021 21:48

What does your H think amidst all this? Is he supportive of you?
Either way, I’d be maintaining a healthy distance from your DM, who absolutely does not get to make the rules. Your baby, your rules!

samwitwicky · 10/11/2021 22:06

Motherhood might not be about being in control, but it is about being the decision maker and gatekeeper for your child and you have every right to expect anyone around your child to respect the decisions you make and the rules you put in place.

She has no intention of respecting your rules.

NC time.

Original poster
User154871 · 10/11/2021 22:07

My DH read her email and initially said he agreed with it. I've reminded him that she is manipulative - of course the email content sounds reasonable written down.

He is supportive but he's much more inclined to wait till she does something so we have a stronger argument to convince the rest of my family that we aren't just being horrible if we go LC.

I'm hearing all of you saying NC, honestly. I feel very responsible for her given she is a widow and given her MH. I also value the rest of my family and would find it hard to be on the receiving end of their judgement if we go NC. It might be inevitable though.

A lot of the rest of the email was pointing out that I have a great relationship with my DGM and my baby has the same right to a good relationship with her DGM so I should do what is best for her, not what is in my interests.

I'm not planning on responding to the email.

OP posts: