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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be narked off with DH who is 'too busy' to take some some off work to look after OUR sick children but not 'too busy' to leave the office at 5pm and go out on the piss !

106 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 13/12/2007 11:39

I have taken two days off work in the last week to look after our DS as they have been unwell . DH is FAR too busy to take time off work , however not busy enough that he is able to leave at 5pm and go out on the piss !

Last week he was out three nights after work when he does get paid for overtime and my view is if you are very busy at work use that time to catch up and not go out drinking !

I am due to go out tonight , initally I thought I wouldn't go as I was up last night with ill child but hey I have thought sod it , why should he have all the fun.

A bit of a rant !

OP posts:
TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 13/12/2007 13:36

In the case of a poorly child in the house and one at school with the possibility of the poorly one being left and dp staying in the shed I wouldn't have even left the house myself a simple 'I can't go get Dc because other dc is poorly, you better leave now or you'll be late' would've been it.

HappyDaddy · 13/12/2007 13:36

Expat, there's a great role model.

My dad died when I was very young. I want to be the dad I never had, purely as I never got to know him.

Any men who say anything negative or patronising get my death stare which soon shuts them up.

StarofBethleCam · 13/12/2007 13:37

expat my father was RAF officer and used to change our nappies (4 children close in age) and push us around in our prams and help hang out all the washing etc. Got some stick for that in the 60's from his fellow RAF men.

He said he didn't care he did what he knew was right

StarofBethleCam · 13/12/2007 13:38

And yes my mother was on her own when my father was abroad on exercise

upallnightagain · 13/12/2007 13:38

PS Its only the childcare which is an issue , fortunatly dh comes home after work with out going via the pub and we have the same amount of nights out . I certaintly never married him to "change him " , if you do this you are on a sure bet to divorce!

expatinscotland · 13/12/2007 13:38

Exactly, HD!

As my dad always said, 'How can a woman grow up to have good judgement about which man she can trust if she couldn't even trust her own father to be there for her.'

And it's no different for a son, either.

StarofBethleCam · 13/12/2007 13:39

Nonsense upallnight, my dh didn't have a clue when I married him

santagitta · 13/12/2007 13:40

HD

But don't you know that men's jobs are more important than women's jobs?

expatinscotland · 13/12/2007 13:40

Exactly, Star!

Yeah, sure, a night out every now and again.

But three nights a week regularly and leave your partner to handle the ill children and work, too?

What's up with that? That's disrespectful, man.

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 13/12/2007 13:41

Quint (and others!!) why do you not take child to him, physically place child right next to him and walk away, saying I have to go to X, see you both later.

You said he was in the garden office but would not come in to be with the child - you could have taken the child to the garden office and legged it.

I would. I'd also take child to the bloody office if they were being like some of these blokes are. What are they going to do? Walk away and leave the child alone? I don't think so.

I keep reading "I ask him to.. I ask him to.."

By doing that, you are saying that the child is your job and you want his help. It's not your job (singular) it's your job (plural) There's no 'asking him' to be done.

sandyballs · 13/12/2007 13:44

This thread is so sad. I can't believe some men have so little interest in their children and so little respect for their wives/partners.

It would drive me absolutely mad, I really couldn't live with a man like that, regardless of other qualities. Presumably you both agreed to have children TOGETHER, so why does the woman have to take on everything. It would be far easier to live on your own than have to cope with such a wet DH . It must be like having another child.

StarofBethleCam · 13/12/2007 13:44

I wouldn't be able to stand the unreliability

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 13/12/2007 13:46

Hekate, if he had been awake, I wcould have, but he was sick, and had just fallen asleep. It was a pretty unique situation as the au pair did not come home, my plans went out of the window, and I probably could have acted or plan things differently if I had known.

krang · 13/12/2007 14:00

I reckon you and my DH would get on, HappyDaddy.

Christ, reading this thread makes me realise how lucky I am.

I shall stop taunting DH about his man-cold and go and give him a great big kiss because he has never once treated me like his mum, and he knows that if he did I would tell him to fuck right off.

DaisyMoo · 13/12/2007 14:13

I have a couple of friends whose husbands are like this. It is quite clear when you are with them as a couple that the husbands do not have much respect for their wives. The sad thing is that in both cases their children are starting to treat their mothers with similar contempt. But I have limited sympathy because these are intelligent, confident, otherwise-sensible women who have chosen to put up with it for various reasons - and we're not talking about domestic abuse, just 'normal' male twattishness.

Belgianchox · 13/12/2007 14:28

God, this makes me appreciate my DP more. There's never any discussion about this kind of thing in our house, whoever is closest, or has the most time takes care of whatever needs doing. I never have to nag ask my DP to do anything child related, and if i do he obliges gracefully. Not sure what i'd do if this wasn't the case, no doubt become very resentful. In answer to the OP, no YANBU!

Notyummy · 13/12/2007 14:31

I also feel thankful that I have a non-twat dh. dh had a rubbish dad and always swore that he would try and do things 'properly' when it was his turn. We take it in turns to get up in the night, do halfers on nappies from hell, and in general childcare is a joint business. I think its sad that men these days still want to keep their children at arms length. That may have been the chase previously, but I think that changed in the 70s, and in the prevailing culture today no man has a valid excuse for not engaging with his kids.

clam · 13/12/2007 14:35

Hang on a minute. It's a bit of a leap to go from a spat about who's going to fetch the kids today to men and children treating women like s*. I can think of more than a few relationships where both are in love (with each other!), happy together in all respects and value and support each other BUT...... if one partner has a job where it is difficult to get away, then it makes more sense for the other to go. Even more so if that is the higher salaried job which, surely, is the better one to nurture. Ideally, we all should be able to negotiate these issues in a rational way. My DH has learned (!the hard way!) to talk in the plural about child-care plans for the week ahead.... as in 'how are 'we' fixed? And as I work much nearer to DC's schools, it is usually quicker for me to go - apart from the minor factor of leaving a class of 30 children behind with no cover! Heigh ho!

casbie · 13/12/2007 14:35

i am lucky.. my hubby is a SAHD and looks after the children all day, even when they are poorly.

mind you, i take most responsiblity of the kids in the evenings and weekends.

we have to egg each other on, to go out because we know how much the kids and other half needs us during the evening.

ladies - your hubbies are treating you with such disrespect!

reminds me of a family fun day at work was organised in nearby play park and some of the wives were actually following their hubby's around, looking after 3 or more children and being totally ignored by their hubby!

shame on those men - ignoring their wives and children!!!

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 13/12/2007 14:49

I am glad for this thread, it has allowed me to rant, and also think a little.

At the moment my husband is under enormous pressure in work. But, he usually comes in for dinner and we have dinner together around 5 pm every day. He says he has to focus on work when working, to allow himself to take off early, he then helps clear up after dinner, and plays with the kids till bedtime. Then while I get them ready for bed he will check his email, and come up and read them a story, he often stays in the room with them till they go to sleep, then he continues working till around 3-4 am, and sleeps till 9.

He spends a lot of the time on conference calls, talking to India, America, Hungary etc. He cannot really reshuffle talking to a manager in a multinational to look after the kids. After all, he is the main earner, though I work hard too, but part time.

On balance, he is a great dad, and he does care for me and the kids, it is just really hard for him to do so between 9 and 5.

I am afraid I have painted a picture of my dh as a useless prat, but really, and on balance, he isnt all that bad.

clam · 13/12/2007 14:53

It's very easy, on these boards, to take a letting-off-steam rant and turn it into a domestic abuse issue. Otherwise lovely partners can end up looking like ogres when a couple of irritating habits are taken out of context and dissected.

motherinferior · 13/12/2007 15:02

Actually I think a number of the men 'taken out of context and dissected' on this thread are behaving quite appallingly.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 13/12/2007 16:09

Oh my ranting may have paid off a bit .. as we speak he is sitting on a tyrain on his way home !

However I bet the first words I get from him are ' Oh I feel awful '

Any bets ??

Well sod it mate you will have to get on with the kids whilst I tart myself up for a night out !

I love him really

OP posts:
JinglyJangly · 13/12/2007 16:28

Have a good night CU?

clam · 13/12/2007 16:32

Not sure whether my DH's reputation needs salvaging or not, but I will point out that he has just come home early, made me a cup of tea, asked what I'd like for dinner, offered to mark a pile of books for me, and gone off to the shop to get wine and then pick up the kids! All of which was unasked for. Love him!