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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think revenge cheating could save marriage

69 replies

lqvender · 08/11/2021 12:40

I found out my husband of 12 years has been cheating on me for a number of years. It has been probably the most traumatic experience of my life. We've been going to couples' counselling which has helped a bit, and we are still able to have a great time together.

However, I still have so much anger at his selfishness - that he would risk all that we have. I also feel like he genuinely does not get how awful this has been for me. AIBU to think he would "get" it if I were to do the same to him, i.e. have an affair also?

I kind of know it's a really stupid idea, but I also don't think I can move passed it (and genuinely forgive him)... and I worry resentment will just build and build in me until we eventually split up anyway. I mean there are times I hate him to his core. But he's also the love of my life and I can't imagine meeting anyone more amazing... arghhh, the conflicting emotions. Sorry for the ramble!

So I just wondered if there is anyone out there who has tried revenge cheating, with the hope of restoring their marriage and creating empathy, and what the outcome was? Or if you cheated on your partner and had them revenge cheat back on you, did it give you perspective?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 08/11/2021 12:47

He might be better able to understand why you can't move past it but I don't think it will help you resolve anything.

Also in practice how could you have an affair for this reason? Where do you find the partner and is it worth faking interest to prove that point.

If the relationship survives it has to be because you trust he won't do it again. And you may revenge cheat to save your marriage and husband may realise it is unforgivable and the trust is gone.

HollowTalk · 08/11/2021 12:52

But he did it for a number of years - it wasn't a one night stand. Even if it was a one night stand, if you spent the night with someone from work then, your husband would feel free to sleep with someone else.

He did this for years. Every single day of those years he knew he wasn't loyal, had no intention of being loyal. I'd really consider leaving him over this.

Walesrecommendations · 08/11/2021 12:57

I didnt exactly revenge cheat but after an ex cheated on me I did cheat on him a couple of times. It was more because he didn't deal with it very well and made me feel really lonely and uncared for so I would have emotional affairs that then turned physical. One I told him about, the other he found out about. He 'forgave' me but was really angry at me and the whole thing became a tit for tat scenario- I think he felt he had to just suck it up because he did it first but it doesn't work like that in reality. In hindsight I wish I'd kept the moral high ground. I think it did show him how bad it feels to be cheated on but it didn't stop him being angry at me for doing it, so I wouldn't say it really provoked any empathy. For me it sort of helped that I had shown him the same disregard he showed me, that I wasnt the only victim. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
lqvender · 08/11/2021 13:20

@Sally872
I think I have the naive idea that I'll have a couple of great one night stands :D But I know from single friends that that is quite hard to get.

@HollowTalk
I think leaving will always be a valid option, but it can only be done once and will come with a lot of trauma.

@Walesrecommendations
Thanks for your reply. That's really interesting to hear. I suppose I'm shocked he had the nerve to be so angry. Can I ask how it turned out for you both: did you stay together and move passed it, or did the lack of trust eat away at the relationship and eventually end it?

OP posts:
Walesrecommendations · 08/11/2021 13:28

He was angry but aside from initially finding out, he mainly saved it for ammo when I brought up him cheating. His cheating was a ONS though. Im not sure Id have stayed over a full on affair. We actually had some nice years together after, time was really the only healer but it took years. I think a lot of overcoming cheating depends on both your personalities, and how you deal with shame, guilt, hurting someone you love. If you don't want to end the relationship you could suggest a break with the caveat you would like to see other people-but then that might not stop him doing the same. I think if revenge is the only reason for cheating then I definitely wouldnt do it, in fact I don't think I could do it.

Helpsortmylife · 08/11/2021 13:33

It still would not be equal unless you cheated long term like he did, and then you would be cruelly using another human being for your own ends (which your husband has probably being doing with his OW).

If your husband can't really understand what you are going through then I suggest he is not worth staying with. That's a fundamental lack of empathy (which probably led him to be able to cheat in the first place).

Horst · 08/11/2021 13:37

If you are going to cheat tit for tat you might as well have an open bedroom policy or just separate.

girlmom21 · 08/11/2021 13:46

It won't make you feel better.
It will hurt him.
Nothing good will come from it.

Everyone I know who has revenge cheated has end up stuck in a relationship where both partners sleep around and just keep hurting each other.

SarahJeffers341 · 08/11/2021 13:51

I think this is a ridiculous idea! If you can’t get over it which I couldn’t, don’t lower yourself and be as bad as him… leave.

Chocolatewheatos · 08/11/2021 13:54

If there are children in the kitchen then no. Not worth it.

But if not. Then go for it. Its far easier for a woman, you'll have them falling over themselves! It might be good for both of you to see that you can actually do better if you wanted to.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/11/2021 13:54

The thing is, you'd know you were only doing it for revenge whereas he chose to risk your marriage.

I couldnt stay in these circumstances. I'm sure you deserve better

SirenSays · 08/11/2021 14:02

My good friend has been with her awful husband for years. He regularly has affairs, she regularly cheats for revenge. The kids are damaged, the relationship is irreparable and they now sleep in different rooms and constantly try to kick each other out of the family home. It's a mess. She should have left him after finding out about the first affair.

Helpsortmylife · 08/11/2021 14:03

From my own experience, having a great time together, is not a good enough reason to stay together. A good relationship is built on something much deeper than this. And the question for you is whether this relationship can ever have that something deeper again.

BumbleNova · 08/11/2021 14:05

It won't get you want you want. It will add fuel to the fire. He isn't going to suddenly develop empathy for how you feel because an affair for 12 years demonstrates he doesn't give a shit.

I would keep the moral high ground.

Personally I could not get over such a long and clearly emotional affair.

ftw163532 · 08/11/2021 14:08

I think leaving will always be a valid option, but it can only be done once and will come with a lot of trauma.

More trauma than the path of self-destruction you're proposing?

PermanentTemporary · 08/11/2021 14:09

One night stands aren't hard to get, at all. But they also don't leave you unscathed. I did them for a year while still grieving my husband and wrote a long diary about it. There were some ones that worked, which were both lighthearted and sincere in their way. But there were an awful lot that damaged me. Given that you are reeling from this and almost resenting the fact that you still love him, can I suggest you have some therapy instead? Most men find women talking to other people even more threatening than having sex with others so he's likely to feel unsettled by it, and it will probably work better for you?

AandWsMum · 08/11/2021 14:10

This is a terrible idea - please don’t do this if you value your relationship or have any pride.

For a start of things still don’t work out you will have decidedly less sympathy from anyone as it will be the “bad as each other argument” it won’t matter who cheated first, and if this were to happen I can imagine you would need support which you might not get to the same extent were you to cheat as well.

Also it’s hardly fair to use someone else for the sole purpose of getting back at your husband.

You’ve got the moral high ground right now which may not seem fair but will probably make a big difference in the long run.

Notadramallama · 08/11/2021 14:10

LEAVE HIM

WoMandalorian · 08/11/2021 14:10

If it's the outcome of him understanding how it felt for you then why wouldn't you just say you had an affair? Not saying that's what you should do but surely pretending to have an affair is still better than actually having an affair?

LaBellina · 08/11/2021 14:11

It might only prolong the marriage temporarily but will not save it.
You’ll never be able to trust him again after what he did and that’s the real issue. A temporary feel good revenge plan won’t give you the long term satisfaction to deal with that.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2021 14:13

I don't think it will work tbh.

You may think you've matched him blow for blow but cheating on him won't deal with the fundamental lack of trust in your marriage or the resentment.

I have to say I think once you've got to this point the ship has sailed. I think you will only find closure and self-respect by moving on altogether. You say he is the love of your life but he clearly doesn't feel the same.

I think you will eventually get to the point where you realise you no longer love, respect or trust him and you should focus your energies on getting to that point, rather than tying yourself up in knots trying to punish him.

Kanaloa · 08/11/2021 14:15

I wouldn’t do this, all that does is lower you to his level. Then rather than you standing on principle he can say ‘well you also cheated.’

scarpa · 08/11/2021 14:16

restoring their marriage and creating empathy

What has been broken when one party has cheated is your trust in him. You don't mend that by breaking his in you, by being all the things you're so angry at him for - selfishness, breaking the bond between you.

Hurting someone back when they've hurt you is not a rebalancing exercise like you think it is, it's the anger telling you you want them to feel as bad as you do. But bringing everyone down to the same level of hurt and anger is not the same as working to bring yourself back up.

I understand why you're so angry, I understand why you want him to hurt too. But either he does, and then you've done nothing but prove your marriage is now a moveable tool to be disregarded if it can be used to hurt the other in order to make a point, or he isn't hurt, and you've got further heartache to come.

I'd leave, if I were you. But if you're not going to, the biggest work that can be done here is on yourself, and how you feel.

You have to accept that:

  1. You can't prove a negative i.e. you will never, ever be able to fully know he's not cheating again, unless he never leaves the house, doesn't have a phone or access to the internet, etc. And you'll never be able to prove that he won't cheat again - even if he doesn't for a decade and you somehow had proof, he could still do so in future.
  1. Controlling our partner to 'prove' their fidelity is not healthy, nor is the same as trusting them. So you can have all the access to his phone or his diary you want, but the point is that you take it on trust that they won't be unfaithful, not that they physically don't have the opportunity to. How could you possibly ever know whether they were being faithful because they wanted to, and not because they were unable under the watchful eye?
  1. So a certain amount of uncertainty is always going to remain. That one day, he might have to go away for work, and you have to be able to go to sleep at night not assuming he might be up to something. That you can't - and shouldn't - check his phone's whereabouts on Find My iPhone, or whatever. Because then you don't trust him anyway. You have to be able to fully, properly believe that you can get settled and have a good night's sleep and that he isn't doing anything wrong.

Can you do that? It's a very, very hard thing to do - especially when someone has managed to conceal a years-long affair from you. If you truly think you can trust him again properly, without proof or certainty, then good luck and keep up the counselling. If you don't, do yourself the biggest favour you'll ever do and end it now, because the need for certainty will send you insane, and make you bitter and resentful (trust me!).

NewBeginning39 · 08/11/2021 14:21

Infidelity is so painful, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

There’s a site/forum called “Surviving Infidelity” which is definitely worth a look. Excellent info and support from people who have/are going through it.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/

Revenge affairs/ONS are generally not a good idea. You currently have the moral high ground…hang on to it Flowers

thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2021 14:22

2. Controlling our partner to 'prove' their fidelity is not healthy, nor is the same as trusting them. So you can have all the access to his phone or his diary you want, but the point is that you take it on trust that they won't be unfaithful, not that they physically don't have the opportunity to. How could you possibly ever know whether they were being faithful because they wanted to, and not because they were unable under the watchful eye?

This. This is the standout thing for me. You can't trust him so what is the point of staying with him?

You see so many threads where a partner may/may not have cheated and people pile on to say "you need to get access to his phone" or "he needs to cut contact with her".

By the time you've got to the point of having to do surveillance on your partner's electronic communication the horse has well and truly bolted. A marriage is dead by that point.

Just leave with your dignity and self-esteem as intact as it can be.