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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think revenge cheating could save marriage

69 replies

lqvender · 08/11/2021 12:40

I found out my husband of 12 years has been cheating on me for a number of years. It has been probably the most traumatic experience of my life. We've been going to couples' counselling which has helped a bit, and we are still able to have a great time together.

However, I still have so much anger at his selfishness - that he would risk all that we have. I also feel like he genuinely does not get how awful this has been for me. AIBU to think he would "get" it if I were to do the same to him, i.e. have an affair also?

I kind of know it's a really stupid idea, but I also don't think I can move passed it (and genuinely forgive him)... and I worry resentment will just build and build in me until we eventually split up anyway. I mean there are times I hate him to his core. But he's also the love of my life and I can't imagine meeting anyone more amazing... arghhh, the conflicting emotions. Sorry for the ramble!

So I just wondered if there is anyone out there who has tried revenge cheating, with the hope of restoring their marriage and creating empathy, and what the outcome was? Or if you cheated on your partner and had them revenge cheat back on you, did it give you perspective?

OP posts:

Ludo19 · 08/11/2021 17:52

Two wrongs don't make a right.

If you're even entertaining this idea, your marriage is dead. Do yourself a favour and leave him.

NeverChange · 08/11/2021 18:18

I know a few women who did go down the revenge cheating route. It didn't make any of them feel better and tbh causing them more grief.

You have to ask yourself, should you really stay with your husband if you need to cheat in order to do so?

The only way you can really move on is to judge him by his current and future behaviour. They past is over, yes it was a really shitty thing for him to do, but you have to draw a line under it or you cannot heal.

queenMab99 · 08/11/2021 18:24

26 years ago I divorced my husband of 22 years for a 4 year long affair, I did try to stay together, but found the lack of trust devastating, and it was making me suspicious, bitter and twisted. I too thought he was the love of my life, but in the last 5 years since my second husband died, I have had insights into that first relationship, and realised that there were red flags from the start, when I was 18 which I ignored, and again in my 20s and 30s. I was blind to his faults and made bad decisions, I am so glad I moved on, as I can now see him as an unbearable, lying, boring prat, and wonder what I ever saw in him. Do not sully your own character by trying to hurt him back, Just get rid!

RockinHorseShit · 08/11/2021 18:32

Years ago in another LTR I did cheat in revenge of my ex having affairs.

I remember him crumbling to his knees in total shock that I would cheat on him. It should have felt good that I knew he now "got it"... I didn't, I lost all respect for him & I hated him for what he turned me into, I wasn't a cheater, yet here I was, just as bad as him. The relationship didn't survive, which should have happened when I found out he'd cheated... that was the point the relationship really ended, but he got to say I cheated too & absolve himself of the blame... I hated him more for that.

It really isn't likely to be an answer, it just heaps more toxicity onto a dying relationship... one his actions have killed

Justilou1 · 08/11/2021 18:39

I think it would make you feel hollow because you’d know your reasons for sleeping with the OM were insincere, and he’d weaponise that info every time you had an argument .

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 08/11/2021 18:40

This is never going to work. It won’t achieve anything positive, only more destruction and hurt (mostly to yourself).

Do you actually want to save the marriage? You are better to walk away with your dignity intact and move on with your life. His actions would be game over for me

Malibuismysecrethome · 08/11/2021 19:10

I don’t think you should cheat but I do think you should know your worth. Buy new clothes and lingerie and book a few expensive restaurants up with a girlfriend. Let him wonder where you are and what you are doing. Get in touch with the you you were before domesticity took over.

ClitorisAllsorts · 08/11/2021 19:44

It’s very sad that you can’t imagine meeting someone ‘as amazing’ as a man who has been cheating on you.

Rheia1983 · 08/11/2021 20:34

OP, any relationship that makes you lower your standards and sacrifice your honour is not worth it.

Among the few things that truly count in life is your self-respect and honour. Are you willing to sacrifice that in order to keep a dishonourable cheat?

Justilou1 · 09/11/2021 00:35

I was thinking about this last night… He cheated on you for years. You weren’t HIS true love at the time obviously. If love means that much to you, and I honestly believe it does, you’d need to nurture a relationship with a man even just a little bit to be attracted enough to want to have a one night stand. This may be enough for you to begin to see the holes in the facade you have built into your relationship to keep it going for as long as you have. OP, I feel like I could stand in front of your image of your marriage and flick it with my fingers and it would shatter like a glass Christmas bauble, because it’s so fragile and brittle - and strangely I think it’s you who is exerting the effort into holding it together and resenting it at the same time. Is it because you now have to remain silent about your resentment?

SmellyOldOwls · 09/11/2021 00:42

He smashed you, and now you want to smash him. It's only natural. The best way to smash him is to leave him and go and find someone who loves and cares for you. They aren't all cheaters.

silentpool · 09/11/2021 02:15

You will be putting a band-aid on a slashed jugular vein, as the damage is done.

You won't feel better for descending to his level. I would figure out how to end the marriage.

tensmum1964 · 09/11/2021 08:30

@ClitorisAllsorts

It’s very sad that you can’t imagine meeting someone ‘as amazing’ as a man who has been cheating on you.

I agree with this. Its very sad.

RealBecca · 09/11/2021 08:52

It wont actually make it any better.

You will feel worse when he either doesnt care or dumps you for it.

Stay and try to heal or leave. Leaving has to be easier than dealing with this for the rest of your life.

Have you ever thought he was only so 'amazing' when he was having an affair? Is he still as 'amazing' when he isnt having a bit on the side?

TatianaBis · 09/11/2021 09:04

More likely to nuke it than save it, so you may as well end it and save yourself the hassle.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/11/2021 09:05

It clearly won't help, and will only make things worse.

If you can't get over it, you need to leave.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/11/2021 09:44

It sounds as if you are on the way out of the relationship anyway. You don't think your DH really understands or regrets what he did. There is no moving on from that. He was capable of having a great time with you and being the love of your life etc while having an affair for years. He's also capable of having a great time with you and being the love of your life etc now that you've found out about the affair. What that means is that he's indifferent to your feelings and you can't change that. Why would you want to stay married?

Of course you can still have a great time together as long as you both put aside the elephant in the room. It's easy for him to to do that, because he doesn't care if you are hurting. But you are still hurting and the "great time" is only on the surface now.

I can't imagine meeting anyone more amazing

You might meet someone more trustworthy. Is "amazing" still good enough for you without "trustworthy"?

AIBU to think he would "get" it if I were to do the same to him, i.e. have an affair also?

People don't like to recognise that they have knowingly caused pain, your husband has avoided recognising that he was hurting you for years, so why would he start now?

More likely he would shrug it off as justifying his own behaviour - "she was unfaithful, I was unfaithful, she's as bad as I am,". His behaviour came from indifference, yours would have come from pain, and no he isn't going to see that.

theleafandnotthetree · 09/11/2021 09:52

Not your focus I know, but it would also be a very dishonourable and low way to treat your potential affair partner, to use them to get back at your husband. What if they had or developed feelings for you. Your husband may have gone low but you have the choice to go high, not be as bad as him

Marvellousmadness · 09/11/2021 09:58

If your partner cheats you could revenge cheat and be back on that same playing field.

howeverrrrrrr. Your partner didnt have a one night fling. Not even a summer fling. He lied and lied to you for YEARS.
There is no way in hell id be marriage counselling with that piece of useless lump.

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