To think revenge cheating could save marriage

[lqvender]

I found out my husband of 12 years has been cheating on me for a number of years. It has been probably the most traumatic experience of my life. We've been going to couples' counselling which has helped a bit, and we are still able to have a great time together.

However, I still have so much anger at his selfishness - that he would risk all that we have. I also feel like he genuinely does not get how awful this has been for me. AIBU to think he would "get" it if I were to do the same to him, i.e. have an affair also?

I kind of know it's a really stupid idea, but I also don't think I can move passed it (and genuinely forgive him)... and I worry resentment will just build and build in me until we eventually split up anyway. I mean there are times I hate him to his core. But he's also the love of my life and I can't imagine meeting anyone more amazing... arghhh, the conflicting emotions. Sorry for the ramble!

So I just wondered if there is anyone out there who has tried revenge cheating, with the hope of restoring their marriage and creating empathy, and what the outcome was? Or if you cheated on your partner and had them revenge cheat back on you, did it give you perspective?

Nope.

Just divorce.

You'll never trust him again anyway.

Sorry.

I can't imagine meeting anyone more amazing

You couldn't imagine him cheating on you for - what, a quarter of your marriage? A third? Half? All of it?

But he did.

It's often difficult to imagine or visualise how our life might play out, especially when we are in pain, but simply not being able to picture something doesn't mean it won't happen. You can't imagine a different future now but it's still possible.

Then there's the fact that a man who was unfaithful for a significant portion of your marriage - and who doesn't even recognise or empathise with the harm he's caused - is not a man worthy of being called amazing. That sets the bar very low.

So in that respect meeting someone who equals or surpasses him wouldn't be all that difficult or remarkable.

that he would risk all that we have

He didn't place the same value on it as you and was therefore less concerned about potential losses, that's why. These are not the actions of a man who values and respects you, or who values your shared life.

He also likely calculated that it wasn't a risk - you haven't left him but are focused on extreme and desperate ideas to keep him. Thus far he appears to have calculated correctly.

I think you know all that though and that's part of why you're so angry.

It's fair enough to be in shock and denial trying to minimise or explain away his actions as you grieve - because even if you stay you've already suffered a loss that can't be undone - but please don't hit the self-destruct button too. You don't deserve that.

An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.

I did this very thing and I wish I had not.

I wanted revenge plain and simple. I was stuck and frustrated. I was not in a position to move out comfortably and went around in circles. I was hurting tremendously and hated being the victim, the person something had been done to.

The ongoing lies, deceit and betrayal ran deep. This was worse than my stbxh's actions.

Once I had crossed that line I knew the love I had, had gone. I knew I could not have done the act whilst love was still there. I knew there and then that my marriage was over. It was like a light went off in my head.

The damage has already been done. You can either live with it or leave. It is an awful place to be in. I remember the turmoil.

Unfortunately I lowered myself to my stbxh's standards. I will say the OM was unattached and I made no promises to him.

It's a really terrible idea

If anything, won't it help him minimise his actions?
Oh cheating is just something everyone does. Even my silly wife pretended it was hurtful but she went straight out and did it so it can't be that bad...

This is what I think I would do, if I was in a long term relationship and he cheated; and I believed he was really, truly remorseful and I wanted to keep him. Of course it only works if he loves you and would be wracked with pain at the thought of you with someone else. Otherwise you're just playing into his hands - "I've done nothing you haven't done, neither of us are blameless" - etc.

I would get ready in front of him and go out, sending horny anticipatory texts I would make him read. And the deal would be he has to sit at home, alone, stewing, whilst I meet with Mr. Fuck. At that point I think I could begin to forgive infidelity, knowing he would be broken inside like I was.

This only works if he truly loves you and would be ripped apart at the thought of you with someone else.

This is what I would do. Fuck understanding and counselling - although there's a place for that later.

Having said that it's a hypothetical situation for me, so I can't really comment. But I share the feeling of an eye for an eye x

@JovialNickname

This is what I think I would do, if I was in a long term relationship and he cheated; and I believed he was really, truly remorseful and I wanted to keep him. Of course it only works if he loves you and would be wracked with pain at the thought of you with someone else. Otherwise you're just playing into his hands - "I've done nothing you haven't done, neither of us are blameless" - etc.

I would get ready in front of him and go out, sending horny anticipatory texts I would make him read. And the deal would be he has to sit at home, alone, stewing, whilst I meet with Mr. Fuck. At that point I think I could begin to forgive infidelity, knowing he would be broken inside like I was.

This only works if he truly loves you and would be ripped apart at the thought of you with someone else.

This is what I would do. Fuck understanding and counselling - although there's a place for that later.

Having said that it's a hypothetical situation for me, so I can't really comment. But I share the feeling of an eye for an eye x

That just sounds so toxic for both you and the cheating husband. Plus (in my opinion) it would be throwing away your dignity getting ready in front of him and making him read horny texts etc. It would just be lowering yourself and embarrassing all round. It’s also not the same betrayal as it is finding out he has cheated on you and you had no idea.

And men are basic creatures. Sometimes they have to feel things, themselves, viscerally, to really understand. You blathering on in a therapist's room will make him feel mildly guilty, attacked and a bit resentful. Doing it back, if he cares, makes him feel the pain. And most importantly, makes you an equal in the relationship. You reassert your dominance. You're not a whining pet he has to feel sorry for and make amends to. You bettered him.

Tbh there are a lot of men who would find that scenario insanely hot and would want you to do it again. I think you have to start from what might help you, not what might hurt your husband.

Thankyou@kanaloa, I do know what you're saying. But why is she throwing away her dignity? He did that. Why is this on her?

Also much as it's not fashionable to say it these days, men think differently to women. What we might think of as dignified (say and do nothing) can be construed to a man as a walkover, pathetic. Who wants to be a doormat.

@JovialNickname

And men are basic creatures. Sometimes they have to feel things, themselves, viscerally, to really understand. You blathering on in a therapist's room will make him feel mildly guilty, attacked and a bit resentful. Doing it back, if he cares, makes him feel the pain. And most importantly, makes you an equal in the relationship. You reassert your dominance. You're not a whining pet he has to feel sorry for and make amends to. You bettered him.

Firstly men are fully human. This man understands English. He can well understand and see her pain. I have heard men who had affairs say how absolutely devastating it was to see the utter pain it caused their wives. If THIS husband cannot see that, then that's a fault with him and a reason not to hold onto him.

Secondly, OP will not reassert her dominance or better him. People who lash out in pain just show that they are consumed by distress and are out of control of themselves. Its really not a position of strength.

@JovialNickname

And men are basic creatures. Sometimes they have to feel things, themselves, viscerally, to really understand. You blathering on in a therapist's room will make him feel mildly guilty, attacked and a bit resentful. Doing it back, if he cares, makes him feel the pain. And most importantly, makes you an equal in the relationship. You reassert your dominance. You're not a whining pet he has to feel sorry for and make amends to. You bettered him.

This is awful advice.

1 .It only makes you an equal in that it makes you equally bad. It's about as much sense as having the death penalty for murderers - "You broke the rules of our marriage and my trust, and that is a TERRIBLE, AWFUL thing to do. I shall do the same."

1. Unless there's a safeword or Scrabble involved, romantic relationships should not be about who's more dominant, who's winning, who's beating the other at the game. It's an unhealthy dynamic that introduces the idea of conflict between the two of you (again, consensual BDSM with proper communication excluded).

1. OP isn't a 'whining pet' anyway. She's someone who has been hurt and betrayed, and if her husband sees her as a whining pet for needing reassurance because of his actions, she should leave him anyway.

Sounds like a risky strategy, to say the least.

Without defending what he's done, I assume that he had his affair because it made him feel good, not because he had any intention of hurting you. Your revenge affair would be done entirely to hurt him and that does make a difference. It might make you feel avenged but if you really do want your marriage to work, then it doesn't seem conducive to that.

You may even find that having has an affair himself, he feels able to compartmentalise and wouldn't find it as devastating as you did. If so, in his eyes you'd have even less reason to be so distraught, since he doesn't view it as such a big deal.

If you really do want to try to save the marriage, it would seem better to look at why the affair happened - and that's certainly not to say you must be blamed - and see if that's a solvable problem. Affairs are never right but they aren't all the same.

[quote JovialNickname]Thankyou@kanaloa, I do know what you're saying. But why is she throwing away her dignity? He did that. Why is this on her?

Also much as it's not fashionable to say it these days, men think differently to women. What we might think of as dignified (say and do nothing) can be construed to a man as a walkover, pathetic. Who wants to be a doormat.[/quote]
Because getting dressed up and making him read ‘horny texts’ before you go and have sex with another man is basically a ‘cuckold’ fantasy. It’s debasing and humiliating and to be honest it isn’t even a good deterrent for him not to cheat again.

And it does not equal the betrayal of having a partner cheat on you because you’re basically doing it with his knowledge. It’s a very bad idea.

And it does absolutely nothing to heal the damage that’s been done emotionally. Just gives him the ability to say well you did it as well so even stevens.

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Even if you had an affair for years he would not feel your pain. If he felt pain it would be different from yours and there would still be your pain. You can’t balance this situation out, it can’t be fixed, he cheated on you and maybe you stat and maybe you don’t but you can’t undo or balance out the betrayal.

At that point I think I could begin to forgive infidelity, knowing he would be broken inside like I was.

But could either of you love each other, knowing that was what you set out to do?

Do you want to feel avenged, or do you want to try to rediscover and rebuild love?

Relationships aren't supposed to be battlegrounds. If you're seeing yours in those terms, I'd say it's over, affair or not.

So instead of you being hurt and angry with him, you'll both be hurt and angry with each other. If your goal is to get revenge, this will accomplish that nicely. If your goal is to save your marriage, that's a terrible plan.

You know what they say about what to do before seeking revenge...dig two graves.

What’s the point? If you’re still with him and your right hand is going through all the counselling and the shit of working on your marriage, what’s the point when the left hand is doing it’s level best to destroy it? Why would you put yourself through extra emotional turmoil?

Surely the most important priority for you is to decide what you want? Why would you do something that is likely to be irreversible before you’ve decided whether or not you do actually want to continue being married to him? Game playing is only going to cause you short term gain for long term pain.

I think I’d have some counselling on my own if I were you. Just to talk about YOU and how YOU feel. Nothing about him, or how you can get through his behaviour as a couple. And if you decide you can’t get over it, then that’s fine. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. But don’t hurt yourself just to hurt him.

Very unlikely to work. I think women are generally more forgiving of sexual infidelity than men.
The "best case" scenario is one in which you normalise his cheating as long as he gives you a pass for a ONS.
Either try to get over it in a healthy manner or leave.

Yes, revenge cheating is a sure-fire way to make your marriage strong and stable. Mutual respect, and good feeling will be the inevitable result, and trust will be restored.

Back in the real world, I appreciate that what you've gone through is painful, but you need to put your sensible head on here. Why do you even want to save this marriage? Where will that get you? In 20 years time - where do you want to be? With this man, or somewhere else?

This is a time to focus on what you want for your future, not on getting even. It won't make you feel any better, and it won't fix what's broken.

At that point I think I could begin to forgive infidelity, knowing he would be broken inside like I was.

This is not how you treat somebody you love - and I'm not sure that's what forgiveness means either frankly. There is no relationship left to "save" at the point where you are deliberately attempting to break one another.

That whole post was truly disturbing, I hope it was not sincere.

Same as with everything. For some it will help even if the first cheater doesn't know their spouse has cheated too. For some it will work to help even if they do know they've cheated. For some men they would be livid their wife has dared to cheat even then they have . If you do it you have to live with the consequences. It won't take away the pain of what he has done though.