To email ex about uni fees?

[coffeerevelsrock]

Two dc ages 14 and 12. I am a teacher and was the higher earner. Since we split 7 years ago I have bought ex out of the house (£14k ish) and have to pay him another £10 k when ds2 is 21. He has the dc 4 nights a fortnight - a bit more in the holidays but also misses quite a few Saturday nights across the year. He pays about £130 per month as he's on a low income and that has only been for the last 18 months or so. He buys nothing else, though he does pay for d1's sport club fees (quite cheap and only half the year.)

He inherited from his dad earlier this year. I don't know the full amount but he has been able to buy a house outright for £180k. As the dc get older I am increasingly anxious about uni costs. I'm on my own on an income of about £48k. I do okay but with two teens and the cost of living going up I'm not saving loads every month. I also had to pay off quite a bit of debt when ex left. Last year I inherited £30k and have £25k of that put away (did some much needed home improvements with the rest). Ds1 is looking at expensive universities (Oxbridge/London) and from what his teachers are saying it's not at all out of the question, which is great apart from financially!

But with dc and life in general getting more expensive, I don't think I can save what is needed for uni and the £10k I need to give ex in the 9 years I've got left - or not without being quite frugal anyway. I'm conscious of wanting to make the most of the time I have with my dc in terms of holidays and don't really want to save every spare penny. I don't know, I just feel this hanging over me and it's uncomfortable.

Would IBU to email and see what he says. He has zero financial sense and has pissed so much money up the wall over the years. He also massively resents having to pay me anything as I earn more than him (because I'm not workshy) and doesn't really seem to see that he has a financial responsibility to his kids. So in a way I don't see the point, but then why should I be the only one having to think about this stuff? I just feel with such a large inheritance he should have thought about his kids and perhaps he has, in which case I should know as it would be a relief and would give me a realistic idea of our situation. He has told the kids he intends to move abroad when they leave home so I imagine he has bought the house as a way of keeping his money safe (I can't imagine his inheritance would have been much more than the house cost) and he'll then cash it in to go abroad. If he does that while the dc are in uni, a relatively small amount could go to their costs. AIBU to bring it up?

I see your point but don’t stress yourself out about “uni costs”, most kids get a loan and a part time job.

No harm in asking. If assume that the answer is likely to be no though. Maybe start by putting his CM to one side for uni? On a salary of 48k you could presumably afford to do this? You're looking at about 5 grand top up each year..

@19lottie82

I see your point but don’t stress yourself out about “uni costs”, most kids get a loan and a part time job.

@19lottie82 what about the parental top up? I guess that's what OP means?

I certainly wouldn’t be getting into too much of a tizz about uni costs. They would need some top up of you can afford it and hopefully he can help you do this but the last thing you should be considering is paying fees or not taking loans, that’s inanity at its best

Should have added that some of the universities ds1 is looking at don't allow part time jobs. Obviously, they may not be where he ends up going but it's an added concern.

I think you need to separate uni fees and the money you owe him when youngest hits 21. Latter I assume was either your matrimonial finance agreement or court order. Having had the benefit of (a long) time to pay, it's not fair to renege on that.

Absolutely email re uni fees. Both dc parents should be involved in that. Worse case scenario you'll know what's what in advance and be able to plan accordingly...

By the way your DC is 14, and uni choices aren’t even on the radar so anything can change and you really don’t know if they’re oxbridge material or not yet. If they are, then oxbridge is actually the cheapest way to go to uni and you may well not need to top up. They have such huge foundations that it’s pretty much the cheapest unis around. I pay £6000 a year for accommodation for my child. His BF in Oxford pays less than £3k, and that’s catered

I don't think you can really tell ex-husband what to do with his own money. But perhaps you could point him towards a smart saving scheme or ISA that would pay out a good dividend for each child when they get to 18, 19, etc. Perhaps say you're thinking of doing this and he might want to think about it too?

By all means get him thinking about your kids university fees. But you can assume he'll want to do it. And I wouldn't think about it too much if I were you - make some sensible investments and then just help with what you can - your kids can take out loans like everyone else (and probably never even fully pay them back)

With a salary of £48k your dc will be entitled to a maintenance loan of almost £6,500 if outside London, so the expectation would be that you top that up by £3k a year. So £9k per child which means the £25k you have saved will cover them both.

Oxford and Cambridge are pretty cheap places to be a student by the way, and the unis themselves often have bursaries and cheap food and accommodation if they pick their college sensibly.

From my POV I wouldn’t even bother asking. Your ex sounds a lot like mine (apart from the inheritance) and it would just end in heartache. I think your DC is just going to have to get a job and I’m sure you’ll do just great on your own. Sorry, it’s probably not the answer you wanted but I truly understand what it’s like to have an ex that doesn’t care. In fact my ex didn’t pay any maintenance at all.

On your salary they will probably only get minimum loan and you're expected to top up. They also don't allow for the fact you're paying out for two.

The posters saying don't worry may not be there yet, having to top up is very real and not cheap. The loan for fees is covered but they have to live. Rent is high and they'll need to eat and have equipment/clothing etc.

By all means email him, but also sit your DCs down and explain that they will need to work and save too. They may not be able to work term time but can earn beforehand and in the long holidays.

I think you already know he’s not going to contribute to uni costs. I wouldn’t waste your breath, as you can’t rely on it even if he does play the great dad and say he plans to help them out directly.

Your kids will be fine - loans and jobs like everyone else, and if you’ve got £25K saved then you’re fine if one goes to Oxbridge and can’t work. He does need to think about costs in his application decisions though!

What I might do, is ask your ex how he’d feel - now he has inherited - about the £10K he is owed going 50/50 into a named bank account for the kids, for uni. You pay £5K each when oldest is 18, show the statements, and there’s nothing to pay at 21. He might go for it, so he can tell the kids how much he is supporting them? 🙄

But mostly - I don’t think you’ll get anywhere and I wouldn’t put myself through the stress of asking.

Parental top up is based on resident parent.
Most people seem to choose the lowest earner for that

No need to think about it now.
Unless the financial settlement specifies it doesn't- it stops after A levels.

Is there any way you can contact a lawyer about the 10k? What would happen if you didnt pay it? It just seems crazy that he pays you such a small CM payment compared to the cost of raising kids, even though he has an inheritance which isnt taken into account but you've got to pay.

Other than that...I wouldn't ask him. I know no one will agree with me, but I would maybe get the kids to ask him outright if he can help them with uni costs.

What was the outcome from the previous thread?

Oxbridge has more financial support available to make up for lack of jobs (and some jobs, like working in the college bar, are allowed), including quite a few discretionary or non-means tested sources like college hardship funds. College scholarships often have a household income threshold of around £50k too.

You can ask but lots of kids get loans, and work, even if they can’t work term time, they do work all holidays to support themselves

@YoungGiftedPlump

Parental top up is based on resident parent. Most people seem to choose the lowest earner for that

No need to think about it now.
Unless the financial settlement specifies it doesn't- it stops after A levels.

This if he's the lower earner it'd make sense for the kids to get a larger loan/ bursary etc.

Well, I've thought about getting the dc to put him down as the resident parent, but is that not fraud?

That' such a good idea, Cocomarine, I think that would be a good way of putting it, though you're probably all right and he'll pay nothing and I'll spend my entire savings/modest inheritance on it, then given him his pay out while he waltzes off carefree.

How much do you anticipate giving ds for uni?

Loans and PT jobs (even holiday only) is fine enough.

I would suggest that you set the expectation that your DCs work part time during the holidays and save for Uni, and that you give them a set amount. If they need more you encourage your DCs to ask their father for top ups. Not you.

The 25 grand you’ve put away will cover the £9000 you’ve got to give your ex and the top up you’ll have to give your children at uni. You don’t need to loose sleep over it. They could get a job and save a few grand before they go to uni that’s what my DS did. He doesn’t work while at uni.

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

What was the outcome from the previous thread?

How beautifully passive-aggressive. The previous thread was me venting about how unfair it was that he'd come into money. This one is more practical, bit feel free to move along if you've read it all before.

Your son is old enough to ask for himself.

"Dad, I'm looking at uni now and the cost of where I want to go. Mum is going to help as much as she can but this difficult. I just need to know if you will help with fees at all or am I doing this without you?"

It's about time he faced his shit parenting head in by seeing his own son ask when he's going to step up and help.

When I went to Uni my parents couldn't afford to give me any finical support. I had my student loan and I worked very sparse hours. My loan was crap because it was calculated in areas and my dad was self employed so it didn't reflect his finical situation at that point.
I suppose I'm sharing this because you don't need to give away your inheritance when there is finical support for students. They could pink up bank or agency work for quieter phases of their course too. There's also burserys and other awards they can claim.
I wouldn't bother speaking to ex now. Uni is a few years away....