To email ex about uni fees?

[coffeerevelsrock]

Two dc ages 14 and 12. I am a teacher and was the higher earner. Since we split 7 years ago I have bought ex out of the house (£14k ish) and have to pay him another £10 k when ds2 is 21. He has the dc 4 nights a fortnight - a bit more in the holidays but also misses quite a few Saturday nights across the year. He pays about £130 per month as he's on a low income and that has only been for the last 18 months or so. He buys nothing else, though he does pay for d1's sport club fees (quite cheap and only half the year.)

He inherited from his dad earlier this year. I don't know the full amount but he has been able to buy a house outright for £180k. As the dc get older I am increasingly anxious about uni costs. I'm on my own on an income of about £48k. I do okay but with two teens and the cost of living going up I'm not saving loads every month. I also had to pay off quite a bit of debt when ex left. Last year I inherited £30k and have £25k of that put away (did some much needed home improvements with the rest). Ds1 is looking at expensive universities (Oxbridge/London) and from what his teachers are saying it's not at all out of the question, which is great apart from financially!

But with dc and life in general getting more expensive, I don't think I can save what is needed for uni and the £10k I need to give ex in the 9 years I've got left - or not without being quite frugal anyway. I'm conscious of wanting to make the most of the time I have with my dc in terms of holidays and don't really want to save every spare penny. I don't know, I just feel this hanging over me and it's uncomfortable.

Would IBU to email and see what he says. He has zero financial sense and has pissed so much money up the wall over the years. He also massively resents having to pay me anything as I earn more than him (because I'm not workshy) and doesn't really seem to see that he has a financial responsibility to his kids. So in a way I don't see the point, but then why should I be the only one having to think about this stuff? I just feel with such a large inheritance he should have thought about his kids and perhaps he has, in which case I should know as it would be a relief and would give me a realistic idea of our situation. He has told the kids he intends to move abroad when they leave home so I imagine he has bought the house as a way of keeping his money safe (I can't imagine his inheritance would have been much more than the house cost) and he'll then cash it in to go abroad. If he does that while the dc are in uni, a relatively small amount could go to their costs. AIBU to bring it up?

No need for the aggression. I dont recall reading to the end. I was with you and agreed with you in the last thread. Utterly ridiculous he can come into a big amount of money and you still have to give him £10k. Ridiculous he wont have to contribute to uni fees. I think he is a low life.

I wouldn't worry unduly about the 'no part time job' rule at Oxbridge. My college had specific funds to help top up students where necessary and I imagine they are all fairly similar. I also used to work in the holidays, either for my college or back home.

Please ignore the posters saying not to worry about Uni costs. Full tuition fees will be paid but the student loans are means tested and you may need to top up. And as you say some Unis don't allow part time jobs and depending on the course, it may not be possible for your DC anyway (medicine/ law / engineering).

You are right to think about the future but also right to think your ex won't see it as a priority. I really don't understand why he doesn't think he has any financial obligations towards his kids

Sorry, FallonCarrington (wow, blast from the past!) I completely jumped to the wrong conclusion there. Thank you for your supportive words. .

This happened to a friend so she put in that she had no parental support she got given full loans and they helped her find a job as soon as she got there

TBH, I’m a divorced parent. My exH doesn’t contribute to the kids’ uni expenses. I told my DC straight that they couldn’t afford London. Oxbridge is actually pretty cheap. My 2 looked at unis with cheaper accommodation costs. Still RG. One went to Warwick, one to Manchester. Birmingham was also on their UCAS forms.

@Theunamedcat

This happened to a friend so she put in that she had no parental support she got given full loans and they helped her find a job as soon as she got there

This would also be fraudulent unless true.

One way might be to tell him youve been researching and it looks like youll both have to contribute x amount towards tuition fees as they wont al be covered by a loan, then obviously living costs will need to be worked out. That way he has to say no, rather than agree iynwim?

I think it’s likely to be a waste of time. People who want to contribute to their children don’t need to be asked.

We worked out what we could afford i give our kids (we have 3 in Uni at the same time atm) and told them so when they were looking at places. This allowed then to look realistically at courses and work out where they could afford and what kind of accommodation etc.

I think it's a bit premature tbh and will just look like you're determined to get something from his inheritance.

I am in a similar position to you and my dc all managed on the maintenance loan and a summer job. I didn't have to give them anything at all and just sent what I could, when I could, to help out or buy groceries.

When the time comes, with concrete plans and a uni offer, you could ask then and hope for the best, although he obviously isn't under any obligation.

I do sympathise btw - it does feel unfair, but just think you're probably wasting your time asking him now, and that your kids will be fine at uni without him if it comes to that.

OP, there is one fundamental mistake in your thought process. When you want your ex to pay whatever extra for uni cost then it will be to your child, who will be over 18 and an adult. It has nothing to do with you. Given it so 4 years away I would leave it for now. The conversation about whatever help is needed at uni should be raised by your son directly with his dad at the time when he is doing uni applications.
He is of course within his rights to have his own opinion on the level of support required if any.
In regards to you paying him back as a part of divorce settlement.. Don't even think you can wiggle out of it. His current financial circumstances has nothing to do with you. There is no point of torturing yourself with idea of injustice. There is a legal requirement, you just get on with it

Those saying they can get a loan - loans are means tested, so parents will be expected to top it up - so someone with a parent not working gets the full loan, those with a parent earning x amount are given a lower amount loan and parents expected to top it up. So it is something OP needs to be thinking about now, 4years isn’t long to save up a decent amount. You can ask your ex, see what he says.

@Iwonder08 - as the resident parent OP will be expected to contribute to her child at Uni. Their loan will be reduced and she will have to top up the rest. Of course it’s to do with her. If he ex doesn’t live with her then the decision of what loan her kids get is based on her salary. So yes they might be 18 but parents are expected to pay quite a few thousand per year (if income is a certain amount) and that’s resident parent. He other parents income isn’t considered at all. OP doesn’t need to stress if dad is planning to contribute - that question absolutely involves her

Please don’t stress yourself out too much about this.

Plenty of students muddle along just fine without any sort of parental help. Juggling a job and coursework is all part of the university experience. (And as others have said, Oxbridge etc have funds to help out where they’re not allowed jobs).

Just put away what you can, when you can but don’t jeopardise your own financial security to do so.

You can try your ex - nothing ventured, nothing gained. There are some articles in the news about it at the moment so maybe forward one of those to him and ask him whether he had plans for any of his inheritance to go towards helping his sons through university? You never know, he may be one of those men who see maintenance as “giving his ex money” but would be happy to give money directly to his sons.

Your son will have to go to cheaper unis and get a part time job. My dcs have chosen to go to universities in the North as the rent and cost of living is cheaper and their money will go further. When they're 18 they have to take these kind of things into consideration. If there isn't money to give them, they can't have it!

I'd email, what's the worst that can happen? He can say no.

Try not to stress too much, a lot can change within a few years, your ex can take out loans, part time jobs etc. it's all things your dc will also need to take int o consideration.

The important bit is to save the 10k for the house

Email re university maintenance costs, they will get loans but not full ones on your income. Child Maintenance stops at 18 so what you need to request is that he pays 50% of the shortfall in loan (due to income). What do of my DD's friends did, not really right but I can see why, is they tell the student loans company they live with the lower income parent

I'm a single parent earning 53k. My son's maintenance loan covers his accommodation at uni in London and he still has a bit left. He works in a restaurant throughout all holidays to save for living costs. His dad gives him £50 a week on top of that. All together he's living comfortably as a student. I hope that helps you plan what you need. I don't think it harms to discuss it with your ex

They need to put him down resident parent, unless it's changed since my dd went

I went to a “top London uni” that didn’t allow part time jobs. Term time was 10 weeks Sept- Xmas, 10 weeks Jan- Easter, 6 weeks study leave, 2 weeks exams….

I got a 0 hours contract in a hotel as a waitress, didn’t accept hours during term time, then worked basically full time in the 4 weeks I had off for Xmas, 6 weeks again for Easter, some part time hours during study leave then again during the 3-4 months summer break. I recall I was earning about 8k per year and this was on about £7ph and minimum wage is now much more than that.

Okay I didn’t spend summer travelling like all my rich friends but my degree didn’t cost my parents a penny and I always had enough money to live on.

Oh and when you’re calculating don’t forget it’s based on your taxable income - so look at how you can make best use of salary sacrifice/pension contributions to squeeze more out of student finance!

The £10k is a separate arrangement to anything else, as annoying as it might be that he inherited, you'll still have to pay it.

There's nothing to lose about asking about university, he isn't legally beholden to but hopefully he will.

This is quite useful
www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/maintenance-loans.html

On your salary you would have to top up about £3k per year (per child), they may be eligible for other money depending on whether you or your ex went to university, scholarships or bursaries etc. You don’t have to pay the £3k in a lump sum either so it may work out.

Basically the loan is worked out on the resident parents salary, so you shouldn’t lose out, although in theory I agree that your ex should help out (and may well do if DS asks him at the time).

Cross your fingers for an Oxbridge place - 8 week terms, and huge amounts of university owned accommodation, with students very often being able to ‘live in’ throughout the course and avoid longer private accommodation contracts , make them some of the cheapest universities in our experience.

I wouldn't even bother asking him. He will enjoy saying "no".

Your kids should get enough of a loan to cover fees and living costs fairly comfortably. As PP have said, don't worry about costs.

Cambridge is cheaper than Oxford for accommodation, as they own all the real estate and let out houses at cheap prices if they cannot offer accommodation in halls for 3 years. I think Oxford has private renting which is very expensive.

If your child wants Oxbridge he needs to narrow down his course choices and then do supra-curricular. He needs to get mostly grade 9s for GCSEs too in order to maximise his chances. So he needs to get serious about it soon. That's where you should be expending your energy, not worrying about money.

It sounds like your ex is a man who looks after number one.

Let it go and enjoy your boys.