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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wear dark glasses to a funeral in the UK?

164 replies

noctu · 07/11/2021 20:40

Do people generally wear dark glasses/sunglasses to funerals in the UK? In what context? e.g. - is it not OK in the church but OK at the burial itself?
Or a no-no completely?
Customs seem to differ between the USA and the UK and I would appreciate any guidance.
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
noctu · 07/11/2021 22:05

@JanglyBeads

Why would you feel the need to disguise how upset you are if an immediate relative has died? Genuine question.

Although also the point that if you are immediate family then people should accept you doing whatever you like as long as it doesn’t interfere with others’ grief and the conduct of the service.

Unfortunately, in addition to the overwhelming grief, there has been a big family fall out. I won't go into the details but I've been sent a lot of very upsetting abuse, from people who will also be attending. So admittedly I feel scared as well as the grief, and I suppose I wondered if I could hide behind a pair of sunglasses. I know that probably sounds ridiculous Sad
OP posts:
EvenRosesHaveThorns · 07/11/2021 22:09

I'm sorry for your loss. Please do take sunglasses, as it will help give you a little something for strength & a shield. It will not look daft or dramatic, people certainly do wear them

Sparklingbrook · 07/11/2021 22:10

How would wearing sunglasses 'interfere with others’ grief and the conduct of the service'. Confused

Cocolapew · 07/11/2021 22:12

I'm sorry for your loss, if it makes you feel better then of course you can wear them. Inside as well as out.
It was my Dads funeral 4 weeks ago and I wore sunglasses outside, I wear them a lot, the slightest bit of sun and my eyes water and I squint.
Nobody cared because they aren't judgy twats.

MeredithGreyishblue · 07/11/2021 22:16

As this thread and my Grandma show, there may well be judgement but if it makes you feel better in the moment, it doesn't really matter. Whatever gets you through. Wear the sunnies. Sod it!

I like the pp's suggestion of a protective sheik too. Grin

laudete · 07/11/2021 22:17

Condolences on your loss, OP.

Funerals are to honour the dead and comfort the family. You have stated that you are close kin. Unless you really think your loved one would absolutely detest your choice of eyewear and you wish to honour their spectacle preferences over your own, go ahead and don the sunglasses. No one has the right to observe the number of tears you may or may not shed behind the privacy of a tinted lens. If you feel up to it, tell any Judgey McJudgepants crowd to do one. If not, just ignore them - you won't be the one doing anything wrong. x

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/11/2021 22:25

I don't know of people are familiar with the Jewish practice of covering mirrors at a wake so people don't have to consider and worry about their appearances while in grief & mourning.

But some people here think it's ok to dictate to a grieving person what they should or shouldn't wear and try to lecture them about what they should do, what is expected of them.
You have no right.
And you have no empathy, sympathy and not a fucking clue.

"ooh it's rude"
piss off

Throughdangersuntold · 07/11/2021 22:28

People are absurdly judgy about what can & can't (should & shouldn't) be worn to weddings, funerals etc. I have never understood it. People are so terrified of being judged themselves that they tie themselves in knots about these arbitrary rules & then sneer at those that have dared to do their own thing.

It's not "wanky". It's not "disrespectful". I'm pretty sure that you wearing sunglasses will not be the focal point of the day. Just wear what you find comfortable. Funerals are upsetting enough without having to fret about not accidently offending Auntie Brenda by daring to breach her autocratic dress code.

BogRollBOGOF · 07/11/2021 22:28

DM had sunglasses when burying her husband. It was a sudden death and she felt more dignified for her to hide her crying. Not that you'd have seen the tears in the torrenti pissing rain, but what matters is that they were a small prop that made an incredibly difficult day a bit more bareable.

Anyone thinking poorly of someone grieving for someone close using a prop that hurts no one else and makes the day easier to get through, is revealing far more about their own shortcomings than the bereaved person.

OP, if it helps with a difficult day, wear them Flowers

AliceMcK · 07/11/2021 22:28

Use to live in a very sunny country, people wore sunglasses, but then again they were very casual and less formal around funerals than the uk. I think it would really depend, are they just sunglasses for the sake of sunglasses or for medical reasons? My mother wears tinted glasses that look like sunglasses for her eye site.

I certainly wouldn’t wear them in church but I don’t think I’d be too offended seeing someone wearing them outside or at the graveside.

RavingAnnie · 07/11/2021 22:37

@Embroidery

Sunglasses in uk are a beachwear thing only. Or shopping on a sunny day in summer. A frivolous item of clothing and therefore disrespectful at a funeral.

Also a bit jackie kennedy. Dressing up as jackie kennedy at a funeral is also very attention seeking and therefore very inappropriate.

I wear sunglasses everywhere outside in the summer; they are there to protect my eyes so anyway sunny seems appropriate. I wasn't aware I was only supposed to be wearing them shopping and to the beach!!!
meditrina · 07/11/2021 22:41

I think it's fine

People don't wear veils to funerals any more, this is the post-war equivalent. It's the only remaining way to cover tearful eyes and/or to considerable reduce eye contact with others.

meditrina · 07/11/2021 22:43

I suppose I wondered if I could hide behind a pair of sunglasses. I know that probably sounds ridiculous

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Indeed I think it's a rather good idea

Flowers
SRS29 · 07/11/2021 22:59

Crickey OP sounds full on....good luck 🍀

Chardonnay73 · 07/11/2021 23:10

I wore quite pale brown sunglasses at my nanas funeral. I was crying my eyes out and it just gave me a bit of a ‘shield’ from other people. OP wear the glasses. I felt it really helped me x

Original poster
noctu · 07/11/2021 23:11

Thank you everyone, lots of comments and I’ll have a think. I suspect I’ll take a pair with me but they might not end up coming out of my bag.
Thank you for the kind wishes too. It’s been an awful time but their death was peaceful and I was able to say the things I wanted to say, which I am very grateful for.

OP posts:
mice · 07/11/2021 23:17

My advice would be to do whatever you need to to help get you through the service.
I work in the funeral industry and we don't judge how people deal with their grief and it makes me sad that so many others do.
I hope it all goes as well as these occasions can, take care it sounds a very difficult situation to deal with at such a sad time .

MinesAPintOfTea · 07/11/2021 23:18

Given there is family fall out and inclination to judge, it might be best to go “conservative” and not wear them. It’s a funeral, so crying is normal and accepted and they would seem very strange to judge you for that.

But you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable to get through the day.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

DemBonesDemBones · 07/11/2021 23:38

Absolutely wear them if you'd feel more comfortable. As a lifelong churchgoer I wouldn't find it in the least odd. If they act as a shield then you wear them! I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/11/2021 23:43

Your wearing of sunglasses would not upset me.
Sorry for your loss.

steff13 · 07/11/2021 23:44

Sunglasses in uk are a beachwear thing only. Or shopping on a sunny day in summer.
A frivolous item of clothing and therefore disrespectful at a funeral.

To consider sunscreen frivolous and only a beach thing? Your eyes can be just as affected by UV rays as your skin can. Why is it seen as frivolous to protect them?

OP, I wouldn't wear sunglasses inside a church because I do feel like it would be disrespectful. However, I wouldn't judge someone else for doing it. And certainly not at the graveside.

steff13 · 07/11/2021 23:44

Arh, that should say "do you consider!"

Yogawankonobi · 07/11/2021 23:56

@noctu I’m sorry for your loss. Wear the glasses if they help you.

Kite22 · 08/11/2021 00:04

I am sorry for your loss.
I am also of the thought that to some extent it shouldn't matter what you choose to wear, but agree with most that it isn't "normal" at all in my world anyway. One way and another I've been to a lot of funerals and I've never seen anyone wearing sunglasses.
I think if there has already been falling out and abuse, then what could be perceived as drawing attention to yourself might not be helpful.
I am also of the thinking that there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about to be visibly upset at a funeral. Indeed, that is very very normal and nothing that needs to be hidden at all.

Pallisers · 08/11/2021 00:20

@Embroidery

Sunglasses in uk are a beachwear thing only. Or shopping on a sunny day in summer. A frivolous item of clothing and therefore disrespectful at a funeral.

Also a bit jackie kennedy. Dressing up as jackie kennedy at a funeral is also very attention seeking and therefore very inappropriate.

I can't even begin to start on how wanky and silly this post is.

Dressing up as Jackie Kennedy because you wear sunglasses? You do know she died more than 25 years ago? What are you like