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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About giving DS16 lifts

99 replies

Speckledhem · 07/11/2021 19:56

So fed up of giving DS 16 lifts everywhere

Lift to work
Collect from work
Lift to work again if doing overtime
Collect from work
Lift to gf’s most days
Collect from gf’s most days

Each lift is only about 2 miles so only takes 10-15 minutes but the interruption to my day is massively frustrating me. I’m generally either working, studying or seeing to the other children.

Public transport is rubbish where we live and he would end up losing his job as he would be constantly late.

DH doesn’t drive.

If I say no it just seems to create bigger problems, plus it’s freezing cold. I’m also expected to take gf to college once or twice a week when she stays over

It’s really getting me down

WWYD

OP posts:

LittleDandelionClock · 07/11/2021 21:05

@Speckledhem

Of course YANBU. Running kids around like you're a personal taxi service is infuriating. I love my DD, and fortunately her little school was 5 minutes walk away, and so were all her friends. Her big school was 3 miles away, so we drove her there. 15 mins round trip drive... It took a 2.5 hours return trip on the bus, so we drove her. Well I did. I was able to, so why would I put her through 2.5 hours DAY on the bus? I didn't mind that. 15 minutes at half eight in the morning and 15 minutes at 4.15pm.

But when she hit 16, and made new friends at college that lived 5-10 miles away, and got a boyfriend that lived 20 miles away, and started a part-time job, and various hobby groups - drama, karate, creative writing etc, all evening stuff and weekend stuff, I got SICK of all the bloody travelling, and giving her lifts. She would get the bus occasionally, but they were infrequent and expensive, and no WAY was I having her travelling back from places when it was dark/at night time... DH was always at work or too busy, so 80% of the time it was ME being the personal taxi driver.

And we didn't live in the arse end of nowhere. We lived in the suburbs of a town. A cul de sac, in a cul de sac in a cul de sac.

That was a stressful and irksome 2 years. She went to uni at 18, and it all stopped. So don't worry, it won't last long. When your DS hits 18, you need to ay no more though. Or at least cut it right down!

Also, I must echo what others have said, 2 miles is naff-all to cycle, as long as it's not a very busy A or B road, and it's not dark.

SuperDup3r · 07/11/2021 21:06

I'd happily do the work lifts. I'd not allow my 16 year old to have a girlfriend staying over several times a week so they would automatically cancel that one out

caringcarer · 07/11/2021 21:10

OP when you take his gf to college, does she go to.same college as your son? If so you are driving him anyway so no more trouble to drive 2 people than 1 surely.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 07/11/2021 21:18

Did he chose where you live? If not, then YABVU to not support him to have a decent life where you are. You signed up the be a parent and to live where you are, why punish him for your choices?

Bettyboop3 · 07/11/2021 21:19

I was in the same position a couple of years ago then DS bought a motorbike, less than 6 weeks later had a call from police, air ambulance had taken him to hospital. Didn't replace motorbike thank god & i never ever minded giving him a lift again.

Dojacatpaws · 07/11/2021 21:23

Can't your dh learn

SheilaWilcox · 07/11/2021 21:23

2 miles is nothing. Tell the lazy bugger to walk!

lastqueenofscotland · 07/11/2021 21:26

A bit torn. 2 miles is walking distance so I’d sack off some in good weather. However you’ve chosen to live in a rural area with poor transport, and as his parents think you need to suck up these consequences a bit.

ohtwatbollocks · 07/11/2021 21:26

Me and my boyfriend at 16 used to meet halfway, he lived about 2.5miles away, it really isn't that far.

TirednWorried · 07/11/2021 21:26

same here, but our 16 year olds did not choose to live somewhere with no public transport.Taxi driving was part and parcel of the decision WE made, so suck it up .

Indoctro · 07/11/2021 21:31

Keep giving him lifts

My husbands friend (15 years old) was killed walking home in the dark because his mother wouldn't give him a lift

That sticks in my head.

Teenagers take risks, at least he is safe in your car.

lljkk · 07/11/2021 21:34

I cycle with DS (to his job 6 miles away).
I wasn't sure he'd be sensible to start with & I needed the exercise. I figure 2 of us are more visible (less risk getting hit by a car) then one. Now he knows the different variations on the route very well because I could show him.
He cycles back on his own.

He's increasingly in the habit of cycling to friends' homes (also generally 6 miles each way). There are some situations where I end up giving DS a lift.

But sure... wayhey. Put another car on the road. Like we need that.

cassandre · 07/11/2021 21:34

I wouldn't rule out cycling. My 16 year old DS cycles 3 mi each way to school. We cycled along with him for a few days until we were confident he knew the route and could manage it safely on his own. Cycling will make him much more independent. If he's capable of learning to drive a car safely, he's capable of learning how to cycle safely.

cassandre · 07/11/2021 21:37

Xposted with lljkk, I agree with her!

Cycle along with him until you're sure he's comfortable. You can go from cycling ahead of him at first, to cycling behind him and letting him make the decisions, to eventually letting him go on his own. Lifts can be a backup on days when the weather is truly shite.

KangarooSally · 07/11/2021 21:39

Help him buy a bike with his money and spend time on the weekends teaching him to ride. Ride with him a few times to work and back so he knows the route and doesn't do anything silly.

OR he walks to work and you pick him up (or if he wants to you can drive him there and he can walk back if it is during the day). That cuts your journeys in half. In the beginning you may have to keep track of his shifts and make sure he is getting ready in time to walk there, so he won't be late.

You should also spend some time teaching your DH to drive, it's ridiculous that you have a 16 year old and DH has not learned to drive yet. That must have been massively annoying for you having to do every single trip and cart DH around as well!

SchoolForScoundrels · 07/11/2021 21:39

I have this with my youngest.

As others have said it's not her fault that we live out of town with four buses a day, 8 miles from school and 8 miles in the opposite direction to her job. I do a lot of driving, but the end is in sight as she's learning herself now.

I wouldn't be driving the girlfriend around though, and I would be getting your husband to step up and learn where possible.

StampOnTheGround · 07/11/2021 21:41

My dad used to drive me everywhere for years, I'm ready for that to be the case when I have children.

19lottie82 · 07/11/2021 21:42

I think I’d do it the majority of the time, it’s not his fault that he’s not old enough to drive and there’s no reliable public transport.

LiquidSodaCrystal · 07/11/2021 21:48

I have a rule that we don’t drive unless it’s three miles or over. My kids walk everywhere (as do I). There’s no need to drive two miles unless it’s pissing with rain.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/11/2021 21:52

bike
or walk

Cameleongirl · 07/11/2021 21:52

I agree with PP’s, he can easily cycle two miles. Get him a decent bike with lights. If it’s pouring down or very late you can give him a lift, but he should be fine most of the time.

Mosky · 07/11/2021 22:00

IMO it's the price you pay for living somewhere without public transport. We live 5 miles from the next village and 10 from a town.
DH and I did lifts night and day for years. Paid for driving lessons as soon as DC were 17 then insured them on my car. Let them use car for part time jobs and some leisure but not nights out - gave lifts for nights out until they left home. Eventually bought them a car when they left uni and started proper jobs.

Keeptrudging · 07/11/2021 22:02

We live where there's hardly any buses, and it's windy country roads, so not particularly safe for cycling. That was our choice as adults, but a total pain for our teenagers. Part of the deal is we give lifts, pretty much on demand. What makes it easier is we both drive. They're all away now, so no more lifts. I miss them.

GreenClock · 07/11/2021 22:04

I think you need to carry on OP. I’d stop the girlfriend staying overnight on weeknights though. And encourage your husband to learn to drive if he physically can (before your younger kids are this age!)

waterrat · 07/11/2021 22:05

As someone who grew up in London so never got lifts anywhere I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Surely you made the decision as the adults where to live? He didn't choose to grow up somewhere with no transport. My parents never ever drove me anywhere! But I had plenty of options for transport.

Would you consider moving?

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