Is it weird that I don’t believe in love?

IStoppedBelieving · 2021-11-07T10:50:12+00:00

Particularly in so called ”romantic love”? I wanted write more about this, but didn’t even know what to write. But I guess it bothers me since I’m here, asking strangers what they think…. YABU love is a real thing YANBU don’t believe much either

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 07/11/2021 10:55

I didn't either until I met my current partner.

He makes me feel emotions that I never thought I would feel towards another person (minus my DD) and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him.

One day you might meet the right person for you and then you will just know

CouldThisReallyBe · 07/11/2021 10:58

I don't think it's weird, but it just means that you haven't yet experienced it. When you have you will believe in it. I was married for 10 years and thought I was in love. I didn't realise until after I got divorced and then actually fell in love what love really meant.

MonsteraDeliciosa · 07/11/2021 11:01

I believe in love. I love my husband and children, and they love me.

I think you just haven't experienced it yet, OP.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/11/2021 11:03

Love is just hormones. Proper deep love takes years to develop with mutual respect and care. Its a rare thing these days. I've loved my cats more than I ever have people.

Original poster

IStoppedBelieving · 07/11/2021 11:07

But to see how much ”love” has to do with looks and status.
People who get into relationships with a person how so clearly is bad for them.
If there is no sex, people will leave.
Rigid rules what the relatioship has to look like.
So much abuse.
Disrespect.
Using eachother.
So many seem to just be afraid of being alone (not judging on this one, I’m terrible being single also, even though I’ve been single all my life)
Or busy collecting status symbols and doing ”what you’re supposed to do”.

I realise I sound horrible.
I’m sorry.

The PP who said you didn’t believe until you met your parners, can I ask how old you were?
I think it would have had happen by now.
I’m 35.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/11/2021 11:07

Romantic love is a lot about a rush of hormones, and it almost always fades out. But I’d the deep friendship of pair bonding, where you care for the other person as you do yourself is love.

Laiste · 07/11/2021 11:08

Love, lust, limerence ...

I believe in them all!

Once you've felt it you can't really 'not believe' it.

Original poster

IStoppedBelieving · 07/11/2021 11:10

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Love is just hormones. Proper deep love takes years to develop with mutual respect and care. Its a rare thing these days. I've loved my cats more than I ever have people.

Oooh, I have love for my dogs, that I know. But when it comes to people….. And I mean the companion, life partner, deeper kind of love.

I guess I yearn for it, but since I have no personal proof that it exist, outside of my daydreaming, I’m wondering if it is a thing.

OP posts:

CouldThisReallyBe · 07/11/2021 11:11

@IStoppedBelieving

But to see how much ”love” has to do with looks and status. People who get into relationships with a person how so clearly is bad for them. If there is no sex, people will leave. Rigid rules what the relatioship has to look like. So much abuse. Disrespect. Using eachother. So many seem to just be afraid of being alone (not judging on this one, I’m terrible being single also, even though I’ve been single all my life) Or busy collecting status symbols and doing ”what you’re supposed to do”.

I realise I sound horrible.
I’m sorry.

The PP who said you didn’t believe until you met your parners, can I ask how old you were?
I think it would have had happen by now.
I’m 35.

I was 37 - I had been divorced for 3 years (acrimoniously) and I was jaded by years of emotional abuse. I met someone at work. It started as friendship and grew into the deepest love I've ever felt. It lasted for 3 years (we were at different life stages which is why it ended). I was heart broken when it ended but I'm so grateful that it happened so that I have had the experience of that depth of love. I haven't experienced it since (I'm not 51 and single).

mpz731play · 07/11/2021 11:16

The older I've got the more I realise that this notion of falling in love and pairing off isn't so much about the 'romantic' idealisation of star-crossed lovers. It's much more about respect for the other person based on the sort of person they are. I think lust is an entirely different thing to love.

Jenala · 07/11/2021 11:17

@IStoppedBelieving

But to see how much ”love” has to do with looks and status. People who get into relationships with a person how so clearly is bad for them. If there is no sex, people will leave. Rigid rules what the relatioship has to look like. So much abuse. Disrespect. Using eachother. So many seem to just be afraid of being alone (not judging on this one, I’m terrible being single also, even though I’ve been single all my life) Or busy collecting status symbols and doing ”what you’re supposed to do”.

I realise I sound horrible.
I’m sorry.

The PP who said you didn’t believe until you met your parners, can I ask how old you were?
I think it would have had happen by now.
I’m 35.

The things you listed aren't really what love looks like though. The list is just characteristics of bad relationships. Those people may feel that they feel love for each other (I love my mother despite having a difficult and at times bad relationship). But the fact many people don't have good relationships isn't proof love doesn't exist.

I love my DH unbelievably. It's deep love, similar to how I love family, except somehow more profound because he has become my family and we've chosen each other. No abuse, no using, nothing to do with status, or looks (I've gained then lost 5 stone while with him with no change in how he treated, loved me, or wanted me). It does exist.
I think maintaining romantic love takes thought and effort though.

Fernando072020 · 07/11/2021 11:18

I went through a short phase in my early 20s when I believed it wasn't possible for another human being to love someone else above themselves and ultimately, we only love someone else because they have the capacity to be there for us. (Sounds utterly miserable). This was likely due to the fact everyone in my life used me as a sounding board, including my parents, and never put me first.

I'm 32 now, I have an amazing DH and a lovely DS, and I understand family relationships are complicated - they do love me, they just went through a bunch of difficult stuff. But I now see what "love" is, and I do believe it exists.

honeylulu · 07/11/2021 11:20

This is interesting because I've wondered the same about the state of being "in love" romantically.

I have felt/ feel deep intense obsessive attraction (for romantic partners) and deep affection fondness and kinship (the latter for family and close friends, and pets, but also for romantic partners). For my children I also feel a visceral protectiveness - I works literally die for them if it came to that.

For many years I thought that "in love " must be another level above intense attraction + deep affection. I'm not sure what I was waiting for, maybe something more spiritual perhaps? Like you I'm not sure what to say ... because if there is a transcendent state of "in love" I'm still waiting! I'm 47 and concluded a few years ago that intense attraction + deep affection probably IS the state of being "in love" and its as simple as that.

Any other input I shall read with interest as I'm genuinely curious as to whether there is something else that is meant to happen.

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 07/11/2021 11:20

@IStoppedBelieving

I am 31.
I had my daugter at 18, and have been pretty much single since her birth except for a few very short relationships and the odd date. (Father and I split up during pregnancy.)

Had a few relationships which lasted a few weeks here or there, I felt nothing other than a strong desire for them and sexual attraction but no fierce love or bond or mutual respect as such.

My current partner came along when I least expected him and was not remotely interested in a relationship. The feelings took me by surprise but I genuinely feel very strong love for him, if you want it just relax and it will happen if its meant to be

I also think you are confusing love with lust. I only recognised the difference myself when I felt real love for the first time.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/11/2021 11:20

I think romantic love is a load of old balls. It’s just mostly lust and biology to make us all want to reproduce and keep the human race going. When I reached menopause I completely lost interest in sex and that was quite eye opening as I realised a lot of my younger years of what I thought was “love” was just my body trying to get me pregnant!

Having said that, I am - despite what I wrote above- happily married, have been with dh for 15 years now and we deeply care for each other. I enjoy spending my life with him. We have been through a lot together - health issues, parents dying, disabled child etc and there’s no one I would rather spend my life with. So yes love does exist but I think long term love is extremely different to the first rush of romance / sexual love.

CoalCraft · 07/11/2021 11:22

I love my DH and have every reason to believe he loves me.

The intense, debilitating grief felt by both grandmothers on the deaths of their husbands of 60+ years could not have been faked.

Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

WhoWants2Know · 07/11/2021 11:22

I'm kind of similar, OP.

I can see that romantic love is something that exists for other people, but I don't believe that it can for me. I don't think I'm capable of that level of feeling anymore.

Rainbowheart1 · 07/11/2021 11:27

Of course love is real, you get different types of love too.
Love for a partner is different to a love for your children.
Love for a pet is different to your love of a particular object or a car for instance.

SickAndTiredAgain · 07/11/2021 11:28

We just celebrated my grandparents’ 70th wedding anniversary, they clearly adore each other. I think it’s odd to just say, nah I don’t think love exists. What about people who are in love, do you think they’re wrong? Or lying?

brunetteandgrey · 07/11/2021 11:28

I don't really believe in "love" as a single thing. If you mean that crazy head-over-heels obsession that is romantic/lust love, then I have only ever been in love once in my life. And with a man wholly undeserving of it, and who I would never in a million years have been happy with, had I ended up with him. I ended up with someone else, who I have a great connection with (and am attracted to), who is far far bettter for my life, and I am eternally grateful for that, and consider that love too, although it is not romantic in the same way.

The way I feel about my only child is another thing altogether, quite different from both of the above. That too is love, but of a very different sort.

x2boys · 07/11/2021 11:29

If by romantic love you mean the intense feelings you get at the beginning of a relationship,where you can't bear to be apart ,and when the physical attraction is so strong you can spend all day in bed with the person ,that fades after time and imo is more lust than love ,I have been with my DH for 17 years and I can't imagine life without him ,he's the only man I have ever loved although i certainly thought I was " in love " with a few ,life's not all hearts and flowers ,but there Is a real deep love there built on years of shared lives .

violetanemone · 07/11/2021 11:30

@IStoppedBelieving

But to see how much ”love” has to do with looks and status. People who get into relationships with a person how so clearly is bad for them. If there is no sex, people will leave. Rigid rules what the relatioship has to look like. So much abuse. Disrespect. Using eachother. So many seem to just be afraid of being alone (not judging on this one, I’m terrible being single also, even though I’ve been single all my life) Or busy collecting status symbols and doing ”what you’re supposed to do”.

I realise I sound horrible.
I’m sorry.

The PP who said you didn’t believe until you met your parners, can I ask how old you were?
I think it would have had happen by now.
I’m 35.

Well yes all of that happens, but none of that is love.

The fact that this stuff happens does not mean that love doesn't exist.

HugeAckmansWife · 07/11/2021 11:35

I think the word is used as some kind of magic incantation. 'Partner treats me like shit but I love him.' 'he loves our child but never spends time with him or wants to care for them. But they do love them'. 'you've been with X for 6 months. Do you love them, if not, why aren't you breaking up?'. The 3 or 4 significant relationships I've had as an adult all began with lust / limerance and developed varying degrees of depth and friendship and companionship. My marriage ended due to his infidelity with' she's my soul mate' bollocks. Never mind that I was the mother of his kids. The magic 'love' has occurred so you must follow it 🙄. How many threads on here from people defending terrible relationship choices 'because we fell in love'. Its such crap. I absolutely believe you can form deep and abiding connections, care and affection over time, bolstered by respect, attention prioritising their needs etc but I rarely, if ever use the L word in my current relationship. It just raises the stakes and seems to come with all sorts of expectations.

Twelveshoes · 07/11/2021 11:39

Bizarre comments about abuse here. There are plenty of non-partner abusive relationships.

Yes, I believe in romantic love. I haven’t experienced it but I have seen it happen to other people.

Pyewackect · 07/11/2021 11:42

The PP who said you didn’t believe until you met your parners, can I ask how old you were?

I was 19 when I met my husband, at university. We got married at 22. Been married 21 years with three kids, teenagers. Loved him then. Still in love with him. Guess I was lucky.