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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher swearing at child

85 replies

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 08:28

So before I go into details I would like to say that I usually take the stance that my child is in the wrong, and teachers are always right, and in the 8 years they have been in school I have never made a complaint about anything.

A few weeks ago ds (who's 13) came home and he was a bit down. I asked what was wrong (took ages to get it out of him) turns out he's not getting along with one of his teachers.
A few weeks ago he told me, he was giving ds into trouble for not doing work properly (ds is dyslexic and we only found this out a year ago after me knowing he was for years, but I just kept being fobbed off). Just before this he had been helping one of the other kids in class (also dyslexic), ds told him he didn't understand and needed help and that he was dyslexic too (which the teacher should know, it's on the register) and the teacher told him his dyslexia wasn't as bad as other boys. I was really pissed of about that, firstly because the school have been utterly shit with giving ds any support, and secondly because ds has little confidence in his abilities as it is, and being told he was dyslexic was a bit of a relief to him because he then new there was a reason for him struggling so much. DS said he didn't want me to phone the school because he didn't think the teacher ment it in a bad way .
Roll on to 2 days ago, ds came in in a right mood. He said he was in class and didn't know what to do because he had been absent last lesson (covid test) he said he asked the teacher what he should be doing and he said "your work" so ds asked one of the other kids in the class, got into trouble for talking. He told him again, he wasn't sure what to do as he wasn't there last lesson he was then told by the teacher to "get off his lazy arse and do some fucking work".
During the same lesson this teacher went up to one of the other boys in the class (autistic and dyslexic. I know him and his family) looked at his work and asked him "what the fuck am I supposed to do with that".
Now, I am well aware that children can be very irritating, I work with them and would usually never dream of contacting the school, but ds seems to feel like this teacher is picking on him. It's affecting him badly and he doesn't want to go to school on the days he has this class. He's never really complained about any other teacher, but there have been other minor incidents with this one, and they really seem to be getting him down.
I haven't contacted the school yet because I was too pissed off when he told me. Should I contact the school?

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 07/11/2021 09:24

@Swearingteacher

Stress and difficult classes can drive teachers to the very edge of their patience sometimes, but what your ds is describing is totally unacceptable and very worrying.

I completely sympathise with teachers. I remember being at school and feeling sorry for some of mine because of the classes behaviour. I really don't want to be the cause of anymore stress to someone who could be at breaking point.

You won't be causing any more stress. This teacher has done that themselves. All you'd be doing is reacting appropriately to it.

furrysocks · 07/11/2021 09:26

Even if the teacher is at breaking point, this may be what finally gets them the support they need, whatever that ends up being. That's not on you or your DS - this is totally unacceptable.

Frazzled50yrold · 07/11/2021 09:27

Would a direct approach to the teacher be possible.I'd be curious to know how that would work, why don't you phone the school and ask him to contact you.

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/11/2021 09:29

I think you actually have a duty of care not just to ds but to all of the children that are being bullied, good luck

EKGEMS · 07/11/2021 09:30

OMG OP I'd be sitting in the headmaster's office waiting for him to arrive Monday morning! Back in the 70s and 80s some terrible teachers would mistreat students both special Ed and mainstream but this behavior is beyond the pale! Honestly I'd go nuclear if they don't terminate that bastard

SapereAude · 07/11/2021 09:32

Definitely contact the school.

Calmly. And with the incidents separate.

The dyslexia incident (whilst unacceptable if that was what was said) sounds as if it could be that the teacher thought your son and the other kid weren't listening and that's why they were told off. Then it escalated.
Hesitantly, I'd also dig deeper with DD at the "I'm dyslexic" comment. As you say, the teacher already knows this, and adjustments are accordingly presumably made. The episode you describe doesn't seem relevant to an "I'm dyslexic" comment. You've got 2 possibilities:
A) teacher is a completely abusive to students with LD
B) teacher thought DS and other kid weren't paying attention, pulled them up on it, DS said "I'm dyslexic"

The other incident- DS needs to make sure he knows what work was done/expected to be done for the next lesson. That said, again, find out from the school what the teacher has had to say about the incident. Totally unacceptable obviously if the teacher said it.

It happens. Teachers are human. They lose it. Some are abusive and shouldn't be doing the job. Some are pushed to the edge by the kids they teach. Some kids know that.

Talk to the school (appointment with teacher first if possible) and find out what is happening. As gently as possibly, it's unlikely to be exactly as your son has described.

Original poster

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 09:34

Thanks so much everyone, this has been really helpful. Like I said, I've never complained to school before, so I actually feel a bit apprehensive about it, but you're all absolutely right, and I should have phoned that day.

OP posts:

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 07/11/2021 09:34

About a year ago my sister was furious because a teaching assistant had sworn at my delinquent 9 year old nephew in the playground.
Apparently he kicked a football at hee it hit her in the face and knocked off her glasses.
She sent him inside and called him a little shit 🤣

Sister was livid and demanding she was fired etc, I just thought she wasn't wrong and fair play to her lol!

Original poster

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 09:36

@Frazzled50yrold

Would a direct approach to the teacher be possible.I'd be curious to know how that would work, why don't you phone the school and ask him to contact you.

I have no idea if that would be allowed? I would like to hear his side, but maybe it has to go through the head/head of department?

OP posts:

Lasair · 07/11/2021 09:36

call and complain
move your child to a more supportive school.

Original poster

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 09:39

@Cheeeeislifenow

I think you actually have a duty of care not just to ds but to all of the children that are being bullied, good luck

I feel like that too. I contacted the other boys mum who had no idea (she says he tells her absolutely nothing) but he told her he said exactly what ds told me was said. He's a very matter of fact boy on the surface e though so wasn't really phased by it.

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 07/11/2021 09:41

That's very thoughtful of you OP, but you owe it to your son and also the other pupils to flag this up. And actually it can really only be the right thing to do as far as the teacher is concerned. If the teacher is at the point of behaving like this, they need some intervention for their own sake. They would get a warning (not lose their job) and definitely some support if it's down to stress etc.

Personally I would really not advise talking to the teacher directly, but talk to the head.

historygeek · 07/11/2021 09:42

@lazylinguist

OP, I'm a teacher and often question the 'shall I complain to the school' threads,but absolutely YANBU in this case. You must contact the school about it. Assuming your ds' description of events is accurate, this sounds like a teacher on the edge who has seriously lost control of their ability to deal with students appropriately. This needs to be flagged up before anything worse happens. Stress and difficult classes can drive teachers to the very edge of their patience sometimes, but what your ds is describing is totally unacceptable and very worrying.

This.

I am a head of faculty and would be looking into this matter with the upmost of urgency.

It is extremely worrying that this response is that teacher's go to when speaking to a child.

Original poster

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 09:46

SapereAude

The story I got from ds was that he didn't know what to do, asked him for help, teacher basically told him tk figure it out himself. Other boy (also dyslexic asked for help, teacher helped him), ds still struggling said can you help me now, teacher said I'm helping ........ he needs more help, ds said "but I'm dyslexic too", teacher said "well I don't think your as dyslexic as ........" all in all I thought it was a very odd interaction, and I can see why ds didn't think he ment it in a bad way, and it didn't really sound like he did, but it definitely had an impact on ds because he was quite upset.

OP posts:

BitterTits · 07/11/2021 09:47

Please do complain and insist on a satisfactory solution. I'm so sorry for your boy and very angry that this lousy excuse for a teacher could tarnish our profession in this way. He needs to get out of the classroom.

Timetobuckup · 07/11/2021 09:49

@Swearingteacher I absolutely understand your reticence but your son needs you to take control of this and advocate for them.
What are the pastoral team like at the school ? I would also be speaking to them.
Is he able to do the French work and it is a matter of confidence about reading in front of the whole class ? If it is a confidence thing then I know in my school it would be arranged that this could be done over a break time 1-1 with the teacher.
If French is a real struggle for him which is common with dyslexia could you look into taking him out and he could use this time more productively ? I know all schools work differently but we have students (especially running up to taking options) that are given that time to work on homework instead of a lesson they are anxious about and is making them miserable and they are not pursuing anyway.

I think requesting a meeting with the SENCO or at least head of year/pastoral would be really helpful.

Good luck, it is so difficult.

Timetobuckup · 07/11/2021 09:53

@Swearingteacher I also think an explanation of what dyslexia actually is and what it means for your son would be helpful.

Some teachers do think unless you are writing your letters backwards and using a coloured overlay then you are fine. Dyslexia is much more than that. We should always be asking each student how dyslexia affects them and not assuming they are all the same. We are not perfect but we try.

twelly · 07/11/2021 09:56

Sadly I think the standards within the teaching profession are falling - with incidents like this impacting upon the hardworking members of the professions. More and more example of bullying teachers, lack of marking and feedback and just general unprofessionalism needs to be addressed as this is letting down our children

SapereAude · 07/11/2021 09:58

@Swearingteacher

SapereAude

Absolutely it was an odd interaction. Which is why you must go in.

Mischance · 07/11/2021 09:58

Imagine if we went into work each day knowing that we were going to be sworn at and belittled for thing out of our control. How must tis poor young chap feel? It is dreadful to contemplate - poor little lad.

Do what you need to do and put the fate of this unprofessional teacher out of your head. That is not your problems.

I am guessing that the teacher has problems of his own and I sympathize with that - teaching is high stress especially with the stranglehold of the National Curriculum - but that is not your problem nor your responsibility - your child is.

I worked with some very difficult clients before I retired and it was very stressful - but I had to behave professionally with every one of them - swearing at them was simply not an option - however tempting.

Go into school armed with all the buzz words that you have been given upthread and defend your child's interests and well-being. The swearing teacher needs dealing with, and the French teacher needs to know the effect that their subject is having on your child - I am quite sure they would not want this and would want to know.

Punxsutawney · 07/11/2021 10:01

I also have a child with a disability, that was mocked by a PE teacher. He encouraged the rest of the class to laugh at Ds too.

There are some amazing teachers out there but there are also those, that shouldn't be teaching at all.

Hope you get things sorted for your Ds.

Spanglemum · 07/11/2021 10:02

Definitely bring this to the attention of the school. The other parent has already said something. You can email the head or head of year today and they will pick it up tomorrow.
I'm in Wales and my child has a statement of sen for ADHD. They have been disapplied from modern languages and Welsh. That means they don't do them and receive learning support for other lessons in those time slots. I don't know if this is something you can discuss with school when all this other business is sorted out?

Original poster

Swearingteacher · 07/11/2021 10:02

Timetobuckup I honestly have no idea what any of the members of staff are like, it's the same school I went to, but all different teachers and care teams now. I've only spoken to one teacher since he started in 2020 and that was learning support teacher (who has now left) who assured me that all the teachers would be aware he was dyslexic as its on the register, and he would be given support (which he wasn't, and wasn't given access to a laptop until they started back after the summer 2021. He was so excited about it)
He has always been worried about french, but I just told him it was one of those things, he wouldn't like every class and not to worry about not being able to do it. Just to try his best because that's all he can do, and unless he planned to move to France or become a french teacher then he shouldn't worry about it.
I'll ask the school of it would be a possibility for him to do something else. If not, I'm sure he will just get on with it but 1-1 for any speaking exams would be excellent and a massive weight off his mind.

OP posts:

GuyFawkesDay · 07/11/2021 10:02

Absolutely bang out of line. Report. I am a teacher and I'd be horrified if I knew this happened in any classroom.

This will need a proper investigation and rightly so.

Completely unacceptable to belittle a child like that in any way. It's our job to help kids, what an appalling attitude.

I will admit I did once swear in a classroom but not at a child, it was after dropping a heavy table on my toe and breaking it!!! The s word slipped out.....oops. it really hurt though!

Liverbird77 · 07/11/2021 10:05

Former secondary teacher here. I know how stressful and difficult the job is and I'd normally say don't get the teacher in trouble as they are trying their best/ momentary lapse/under extreme pressure or provocation.

In your case, however, I'd definitely report. This man should not be allowed to be around children with that attitude. It's horrendous. At the very least he needs speaking to.

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