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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my mum out on this?

63 replies

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:04

I have multiple health problems, and have a young child (5) with autism.

Today it came up in conversation with my Nan that she told my mum that she was worried if anything happened to me what would happen to my child because her dad is a bit useless, has a history of domestic violence and I don’t think the court would happily hand her over to him for full custody (cafcass have advised no contact whatsoever).

My mum responded with “well if her dad couldn’t have her she would have to go into care because I can’t deal with all that” - she’s in her 40’s and looks after special needs children at school as a job.

AIBU to feel really hurt by this?

Touch wood - I’m not terminally ill or anything like that - but it really broke my heart to think if anything did happen to me whilst DD was still young, her own Nan would be happy to stick her in care and she never potentially sees her entire family again, because there is also a good chance her dad would not be allowed custody of her - and being in care would absolutely destroy DD knowing how she is and how much she loves her family.

I know this is talking about a completely hypothetical situation but it really really upset me to hear it

OP posts:

Ineedmysay · 06/11/2021 19:08

No you are absolutely not wrong to feel upset about this , I’m a mum in my 40’s to an 8 year old and 5 year old twins , and I know that my mum whose 80 and the rest of my family would never let that happen , I’m so sorry this had come up for you , but really she’s in her 40’s like I am , no just no

girlmom21 · 06/11/2021 19:12

I would be upset but I wouldn't call her out on it.
I'd actually put a plan in place for if anything ever did happen.

What did your nan hope to gain by telling you this?

StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt · 06/11/2021 19:13

It sucks. Mine is the same ''I've had mine'' and I also have no emergency contact from nearest family members. Simply put, nothing can happen to me or my kids will end up in care.

Original poster

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:15

@girlmom21

I would be upset but I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd actually put a plan in place for if anything ever did happen.

What did your nan hope to gain by telling you this?

I have no idea and I wish she didn’t tbh - because now it’s one extra thing I have to worry about.

The thing is I don’t really have much else of a plan - my DD is estranged from her dad’s side of the family because they are no better than him, and my sisters are fairly young and I don’t know whether they would be allowed to take care of her (early 20’s but no home of their own, etc) x

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 06/11/2021 19:15

Yep agreed, that's really shit of your mum to speak like that of her own flesh and blood!

cowburp · 06/11/2021 19:15

@girlmom21

I would be upset but I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd actually put a plan in place for if anything ever did happen.

What did your nan hope to gain by telling you this?

Yes not sure why your nan told you this. Unless maybe she thought you should know so you can make a plan?

SoniaFouler · 06/11/2021 19:16

Why on Earth did your nan tell you such an upsetting thing when the scenario isn’t anything other than hypothetical?

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/11/2021 19:16

Do you believe your Nan?

ThinWomansBrain · 06/11/2021 19:17

I hate the phrase "to call someone out"

But yes, why not, tell her she is out of order, go N/C and turn your back on whatever support she gives now.
Over a hypothetical situation.

HikingforScenery · 06/11/2021 19:17

@girlmom21

I would be upset but I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd actually put a plan in place for if anything ever did happen.

What did your nan hope to gain by telling you this?

Probably to let her know she needs to put a plan in place because her mum won’t be taking her daughter on, if anything hsooeged

Comedycook · 06/11/2021 19:17

@girlmom21

I would be upset but I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd actually put a plan in place for if anything ever did happen.

What did your nan hope to gain by telling you this?

What sort of plan could you put together if there was no family to take them?

Motherinapickle · 06/11/2021 19:17

*happened

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/11/2021 19:18

Get a will done naming one of your sisters as guardian. Ask them first of course, but it helps to have a plan.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 06/11/2021 19:18

Yanbu to feel hurt, but your dm is nbu to not want to raise another child either.

It may be a good thing this has come up now because it means that you can make plans for the future should anything happen to you and make sure you have asked and have it written down in a will of some kind, you can also look into the legal side of your exes entitlement and get that sorted out too.

ButterflyAway · 06/11/2021 19:18

While hugely hurtful to you, your mum is being upfront about her ability to care for a child with additional needs 24/7. She’s enough experience through her job to know she would not be able to cope with this. Would you not rather know now so you can put a real plan in place than on your hypothetical death bed when you could do nothing about it?

Original poster

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:19

@PlanDeRaccordement

Do you believe your Nan?

I don’t really know - because on the one hand my mum is pretty selfish (my kids are grown up, I have to live my life for me and fuck everyone else, I’m not helping my own family out kind of attitude) but on the other hand I remember conversations with her vaguely before about if DD still needed extra care as an adult and I wasn’t around and she said about her or my sisters looking after her - so it really shocked me when my Nan said this.

That’s why I’m thinking to call her out on it so I can realistically think of a plan B if the worst (God forbid) was to happen x

OP posts:

SherbertLemons · 06/11/2021 19:20

That's must be very upsetting for you to hear. I'm sorry OP.

On a practical note though, now that you know this information and know that your Ex Partner would not be a suitable primary career for your DC, you should make sure you have a Will prepared which appoints guardians for your child. The court would then take your guardian appointments into account when deciding who your child is to live with should they worst happen. Don't leave it to chance. Do your Will.

Original poster

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:20

@ThinWomansBrain

I hate the phrase "to call someone out"

But yes, why not, tell her she is out of order, go N/C and turn your back on whatever support she gives now.
Over a hypothetical situation.

Who said anything about going N/C? That’s a bit of an escalation isn’t it when that was never even mentioned in my OP…

There’s ways of discussing something that’s upset you without the overreaction you’ve just described.

OP posts:

CreepySpider · 06/11/2021 19:22

Yanbu for being upset by this but unfortunately it’s not something you get to decide. Even if she (and you) wanted her to have custody, she might not get it.

It’s asking a lot to expect someone to become a full time (single?) guardian, even if it is their own relative. Perhaps your mum is assuming she will continue the relationship in the same way she is now but not be the primary carer.

The person I would have the biggest issue with this is your nan, as I don’t believe her motives for telling you were in your best interests.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2021 19:25

I don't think I would bring it up tbh. It's second hand information and while I completely understand why you're hurt and (if accurate) it was an insensitive way of expressing it, it's not unreasonable for her to feel she couldn't take your DD.

I think what it would do for me is prompt me to get a proper plan in place just in case the worst happens.

Original poster

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:26

@CreepySpider

Yanbu for being upset by this but unfortunately it’s not something you get to decide. Even if she (and you) wanted her to have custody, she might not get it.

The person I would have the biggest issue with this is your nan, as I don’t believe her motives for telling you were in your best interests.

But if my daughter was put into the care system she would not have this relationship, my daughter would be with strangers on top of losing her only parent for the last 4 years of her life - and my mum knows this would happen - it’s different if my mum fought to try and keep her and lost but point blank saying she’s happy for my daughter to go into care because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her - that’s what’s hurt me the most because my sisters don’t even have children yet but I already know that I would never allow a niece or nephew of mine to go into the care system let alone a grandchild.

Yes I am pretty peed off that she told me this, I already felt at breaking point and this has tipped me over the edge and really affected me x

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 06/11/2021 19:32

@SENmummy73848 do you have any friends who understand your child's needs and would be willing to care for them if anything was to happen?

Malibuismysecrethome · 06/11/2021 19:57

Well if it was me, me and my daughter would have nothing further to do with her

Yourdeadtome · 06/11/2021 20:00

No wonder op. I cant believe your mum said that. Have you got a will? Would be agood idea to appoint guardians if you can.

Yourdeadtome · 06/11/2021 20:02

Im not sure why your nan told you but think of it as a good think and put a will into place. Btw how olds your nan?

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