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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call my mum out on this?

63 replies

SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 19:04

I have multiple health problems, and have a young child (5) with autism.

Today it came up in conversation with my Nan that she told my mum that she was worried if anything happened to me what would happen to my child because her dad is a bit useless, has a history of domestic violence and I don’t think the court would happily hand her over to him for full custody (cafcass have advised no contact whatsoever).

My mum responded with “well if her dad couldn’t have her she would have to go into care because I can’t deal with all that” - she’s in her 40’s and looks after special needs children at school as a job.

AIBU to feel really hurt by this?

Touch wood - I’m not terminally ill or anything like that - but it really broke my heart to think if anything did happen to me whilst DD was still young, her own Nan would be happy to stick her in care and she never potentially sees her entire family again, because there is also a good chance her dad would not be allowed custody of her - and being in care would absolutely destroy DD knowing how she is and how much she loves her family.

I know this is talking about a completely hypothetical situation but it really really upset me to hear it

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 06/11/2021 20:13

I think if it was me, I would have to know from my mums point of view, why she said that, as your nan may have misinterpreted the viewpoint

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:14

[quote girlmom21]@SENmummy73848 do you have any friends who understand your child's needs and would be willing to care for them if anything was to happen? [/quote]
Not friends no, the closest person I can think of is my sister however I don’t know if she would be fully suitable (in her very early 20’s, no house of her own, she has a full time job working with children though so understands the expectations etc). It might be a discussion with her to see what she thinks x

OP posts:
Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:15

@Yourdeadtome

Im not sure why your nan told you but think of it as a good think and put a will into place. Btw how olds your nan?
My Nan is in her 60’s x
OP posts:
Hockeyboysmum · 06/11/2021 20:18

Yanbu. Im kind of similar situation except my health is ok thankfully. I am a single parent to a 12 year old and 19 month old. Youngests dad is not involved and has never met him (his choice). Youngest is disabled and may never walk etc. Has hydrocephalus cerebral palsy visual impairment etc. If something happens to me there is no one to take him. My mum who is 67 and in good health possibly could but isnt very keen. Shed have to move house as shes upstairs and she has a very busy life and lives 60 miles from me. I have a brother snd sister in law but they have a 3 year old so say it wouldnt be fair on her. Chances are he would end up in care which is heartbreaking. I get a child with additional needs is a huge commitment and is far from easy but it just feels like no one can be bothered.

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:19

@Twilight7777

I think if it was me, I would have to know from my mums point of view, why she said that, as your nan may have misinterpreted the viewpoint
Exactly this - especially because I’ve always heard the exact opposite from my mum. My mum has never liked DD’s father and has always said she would never want her to go with him because she knows he is no good for her… so it feels like a complete contradiction to what my Nan told me today… so I want to clear it up more than I want to call her out on it if that makes sense x
OP posts:
Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:23

@Hockeyboysmum

Yanbu. Im kind of similar situation except my health is ok thankfully. I am a single parent to a 12 year old and 19 month old. Youngests dad is not involved and has never met him (his choice). Youngest is disabled and may never walk etc. Has hydrocephalus cerebral palsy visual impairment etc. If something happens to me there is no one to take him. My mum who is 67 and in good health possibly could but isnt very keen. Shed have to move house as shes upstairs and she has a very busy life and lives 60 miles from me. I have a brother snd sister in law but they have a 3 year old so say it wouldnt be fair on her. Chances are he would end up in care which is heartbreaking. I get a child with additional needs is a huge commitment and is far from easy but it just feels like no one can be bothered.
FlowersFlowersFlowers

Yes that’s exactly what it feels like - the wording she used “can’t deal with that” made my child feel like a huge burden when she’s not - she is such a blessing and an amazing little girl - so it made me feel a certain type of way that I can’t even describe for her own flesh and blood to want to give her away because her autism is too much - when it’s not her fault x

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 06/11/2021 20:24

Your nan old you so that you would know not to assume your Mum will step up and it gives you time to think of an alternative carer

MushMonster · 06/11/2021 20:25

It is hurtfull.
But ... when someone is asked hypothetically about something, they do not neccessarily answer the truth. She may have just not thought about it, found it annoying or uncomfortable and gave a knee jerk reply to it, that she did not meant.

I would bring up in conversation, that I am worried about what would happen to my little one if something happens to me. And see what she says. I would not say that your Nan said anything.

Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:25

@MiniCooperLover

Your nan old you so that you would know not to assume your Mum will step up and it gives you time to think of an alternative carer
I completely understand if she wanted to make me aware but I think she could have worded it in a more sensitive way and I would have been more understanding - the wording used has upset me the most x
OP posts:
Original poster
SENmummy73848 · 06/11/2021 20:27

@MushMonster

It is hurtfull. But ... when someone is asked hypothetically about something, they do not neccessarily answer the truth. She may have just not thought about it, found it annoying or uncomfortable and gave a knee jerk reply to it, that she did not meant.

I would bring up in conversation, that I am worried about what would happen to my little one if something happens to me. And see what she says. I would not say that your Nan said anything.

I have thought about bringing this up with her when I next see her - as in this manner - I think I’m going to write a will because cafcass have said no contact with dad, I’m a little bit worried about what will happen to DD if something happened to me so I need to think of someone to put as a guardian - and see what she says x
OP posts:
MintMatchmaker · 06/11/2021 20:35

I understand why you're hurt.

Taking on a child with additional needs who would also be grieving isn't something to be taken lightly. If your Mum feels this is something she couldn't deal with then that's okay, albeit hurtful and disappointing to you.

I suspect though that if she was actually in that position that her feelings may well different.

Talk to her, it may sound different when she explains to you.

AnnaSW1 · 06/11/2021 20:37

Honestly I think this means you need to make a better plan. And get a good level of life insurance so if you died your sister or whoever you've.asked has enough money to be in a position to care for your child.

MushMonster · 06/11/2021 20:38

Yes, do that OP.
Both talk to your mum, and actually get a will.
Which reminds me, I need to get mine done too.

CaputApriDefero · 06/11/2021 20:41

I know for sure my mum and siblings would put my children in care. They're a selfish bunch. It terrifies me

amter · 06/11/2021 20:42

I am sorry, you must feel awfully sad.

I would ask your mum, have an open conversation and If she does feel that way then make a plan. Have the discussion with your sister, get life insurance so finances would never be the issue and make a will.

millenialblush · 06/11/2021 20:44

You absolutely should speak with your mum about this, you don't need to mention what your nan said, just say that you have been thinking about what would happen to your dc should something happen to you. Your mum will probably say 'well of course she would live with me.' And that will be the end of the worry

BadNomad · 06/11/2021 20:58

You don't even know if your mum meant your daughter when she said "all that". She's only in her 40s, she still has to work, her job is intense. It's a lot to take into account when randomly asked about a hypothetical scenario. She probably just means she doesn't want to think about it right now. But it is still sensible to have something in place just in case. I don't know why your nan told you about that conversation. Does she want you to ask her?

RobertaFirmino · 06/11/2021 20:59

Sorry to be blunt here but are you dying?

Dixiechickonhols · 06/11/2021 21:06

I’d speak to your mum it might be crossed wires or worrying about money etc. You can name a guardian in your will. I’m sure if worse happens your family would step in.

MintyCedric · 06/11/2021 21:19

I can understand why you're shocked and hurt, but really you need to speak to your mum about this, not take what your nan has told you as gospel.

From your mum's pov, whilst she is still relatively young, she has a demanding job, is probably approaching the menopause and if you and your sisters are in your twenties, presumably didn't have much time to just be herself before becoming a mother.
She's possibly worried about her retirement prospects and the likelihood that she may also end up caring for her own mother.

It's a lot to take on and if she feels she's unable to do the job it would be better for everyone that she doesn't.

It may not even be that this is the case, but even in that scenario your daughter could still end up in stable, loving home with experienced foster carers who would be able to meet her needs and facilitate her relationships with her family as well.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but you do need to have a frank and honest conversation with your mum, and hopefully it won't be something you ever have to worry about.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/11/2021 21:24

If your mum is only in her 40s with grown up kids and a 5yo granddaughter as well as a job with SEN kids, I don't think it's too selfish of her to have a general stance of it being time she lived her own life without committing to raising more DC. I think that's where her comment came from and likely has absolutely nothing to do with what she'd actually do if her daughter died and her granddaughter needed her. She might very well step up rather than let your DD go into care. But perhaps that's a situation she understandably really doesn't want to contemplate right now for any reason and so just made an off-the-cuff remark. Make your own plans by all means but I wouldn't dwell on her comment or call her out on it unless there's a real tangible possibility you're more likely to die than anyone else. It's not going to do you any good reading things into a secondhand out of context comment like that.

Sparklfairy · 06/11/2021 21:26

If it came to it, could your Nan take DD?

Lockdownbear · 06/11/2021 21:26

Op i would take what she said with a pinch of salt. Reaity is in the actual situation you mum more than likely would step up. But i would have a word in a "mum im worried if something happened to me what would happen to DD"

Your mum must have been very young having you so maybe her initial reaction is "ive done enough parenting" but would think differently in the actual event

Littlepaws18 · 06/11/2021 21:35

Write a will. It's so important, my ex and I were never married, went to court due to dv and he has no contact. My solicitor told me if I died my money would go to him as guardian of my child- even though he has no contact! So first thing was to ensure my money went to my family and child. Then I stated who I wished to look after my child (mom followed by brother) sadly the financial but is legally binding but who looks after my child is only my wishes and can be over turned! The minute my child is old enough to go to court and grant parental rights to my husband the better!

Lasair · 06/11/2021 21:47

Could your Nan of got it wrong? Or could be stirring? I’d be hurt too. But find out what was said first.