To call my mum out on this?

[SENmummy73848]

I have multiple health problems, and have a young child (5) with autism.

Today it came up in conversation with my Nan that she told my mum that she was worried if anything happened to me what would happen to my child because her dad is a bit useless, has a history of domestic violence and I don’t think the court would happily hand her over to him for full custody (cafcass have advised no contact whatsoever).

My mum responded with “well if her dad couldn’t have her she would have to go into care because I can’t deal with all that” - she’s in her 40’s and looks after special needs children at school as a job.

AIBU to feel really hurt by this?

Touch wood - I’m not terminally ill or anything like that - but it really broke my heart to think if anything did happen to me whilst DD was still young, her own Nan would be happy to stick her in care and she never potentially sees her entire family again, because there is also a good chance her dad would not be allowed custody of her - and being in care would absolutely destroy DD knowing how she is and how much she loves her family.

I know this is talking about a completely hypothetical situation but it really really upset me to hear it

Can I ask what kind of relationship your mother has with her mother/your nan? It does sound like a terrible thing for you mum to say but (and I say this because I know the way my nan could wind my mother up), could your mother just have been fed up of listening to her catastrophising/nagging and said it to shut her up (my nan would also have reported back to me - with glee).

What people say they’d do and what actually happens in real life are often two different things. Your mother would probably step up if something happened to you. I honestly wouldn’t dwell on it.

@Yourdeadtome

No wonder op. I cant believe your mum said that. Have you got a will? Would be agood idea to appoint guardians if you can.

Yes. Ask the potential guardians first, though. We agreed to be guardians of siblings' kids if the worst happened.

It's not something I'd want to have to do of course, nor is it something I would want to do in itself, but I will/would do it however difficult if it had been necessary, and do it to the best of my ability. I'd never stand by and see kids in my family without a proper home, however difficult I found it, so long as I was fit enough to cope.

How did your nan get on the topic of telling you this?

Yes I think Nan might be stirring a bit too.

Op I'd definitely bring it up but not in a Nan said sort of way. I really think your mum would step up if she needed to.

My husband and I have appointed my twenty something cousin with no home if his own a guardian if we die. All that will be sorted as part of our will. He is agreeable emotionally stable and my son ki es him. Ask your sister op at least you will have someone.

I've known family members to promise one thing and do the opposite if it doesn't suit them. I'd appoint a guardian and get a will drawn up so it's official. Also, if your mum actually said it then you know you're not under any obligation to provide elderly care for her. You can put your mum in a nursing home because you've got an obligation towards your SEND dd. You don't want to be dealing with all that with your mum either.........

If you have a child with SEND then you need to discuss with a specialist solicitor about trusts, deputyships and capacity.

It wasn't nice at all of your Nan to say this to you but try not to dwell on it as it is an entirely hypothetical situation. If you feel you can't let it go, speak to your mum and sister in a business-like way about it as in, 'as I am a single parent I am making a will for arrangements for DD if something should happen' and see what they say about being guardians. I would not confront your mum about what she apparently said to your Nan as that will lead to an argument, no one likes to be reported back on and it's possible that your Nan is stirring.

I can see why it might be hurtful to hear but surely it's best you know so you're prepared for you daughter should the worst happen.

My ds has ASD too, my mother and father gently made it known they wouldn't be in the position to care for the DC should something happen to DH and me. I respect their reasoning, so we have a will with family friends named for guardianship who would be more capable and have a better understanding of DC's needs.

Hopefully it never comes to that, but I like to know things are in place.

I think you’re a bit outdated on what care looks like in the U.K. today.

I know one teen in care and five younger children in adoption situations with three families. All have some degree of contact with their birth families.

The teen has phone contact and visits with Dad and other relatives. They are loved and know their birth family, just no one is able to provide an appropriate, stable home for said teen.

The adoptive families all practice letterbox contact with the birth mum and in some cases the wider birth families. For two of the families/three of the kids that is with a plan to work up to regular visits with birth mum when she can cope with them.

This idea your mum needs to take them full time or never see them again is an incredibly unlikely scenario. It’s just not how care, fostering or adoption works anymore. So if your child did need to go into a care situation it’s most likely efforts would be made to keep visits with your family going.

I know quite a few kinship carers through my field of work. Their entire lives have to revolve around caring for children they did not plan for. Due to the various circumstances in which they have ended up becoming carers; many of the children have additional needs or challenging behaviours and many of the carers are of retirement age or have had to suddenly reduce their working hours. Many of the kinship carers I know struggle with their own health (often due to being older) and find it very challenging emotionally and financially.

It is quite a big ask expecting someone to take on any child. DH and I are named guardians for all of our siblings’ children. We have chosen not have children of our own and although I love my nieces and nephews to pieces and would take care of them if I had to, it would really turn my life upside down to do so. I’m secretly thrilled each time one of them turns 18.

to you Op. What a horrible thing to be told and some of your replies here have been unreal too. Of course this worries and hugely upsets you. I agree with the poster who said sometimes people say things they don’t mean. I would probably wait a little while before I would talk to your mum about making a will, just so she doesn’t put two and two together and it blows up massively. Also, you say your sisters aren’t an option because they are so young and don’t have homes etc. Try to think of your will as not being needed for say, ten years. Will things have changed perhaps for them and they’d be the most sensible option to consider as they’re younger etc.
I’m sure it will all be okay 💗