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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christening family politics

52 replies

mag2305 · 06/11/2021 00:27

We would like our dd to be christened next year and have been discussing godparents. This came up in conversation with dh's family today who it seems have their own preferences for godparents, including dh's sister. She wasn't one of our choices though. I really wanted people who are actively involved in dds life and take a real interest in her as that feels right to me and more meaningful. My sister in law doesn't show much interest. She's not local and only calls us occasionally. Doesn't have her own children yet as she's really career focused. She's a lovely person but I don't really want her to be a godparent. Then on the other hand, I don't want to cause bad feeling with dh's parents.
Then on my side of the family, I chose my cousin to be son's godparent a few years back. I wasn't going to choose her for my dd but my parents said I should as she's struggling with infertility and it would be nice for her.

AIBU not to follow family views on this or do we risk upsetting people and go for who we want?
I wonder if we should go for friends only as godparents then we don't have to bring family into it at all. The christening is special to me as I do have a Christian faith, it's not just an excuse for a party. So I want to make the right choices.

OP posts:

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 06/11/2021 00:32

I went for family rather than friends because i knew that they would always be in ny children's lives and friendships don't always last.
We chose my sil and her partner. They don't really have much of a relationship with the kids tbh and hardly see them. They remember burthday's and Christmas though. I still think it was the right thing to do in terms of family relationships though.

I also chose my brother and sister who have been fantastic, involved godparents.

They have got their spiritual guidance from the whole wider family too.

RampantIvy · 06/11/2021 00:33

It is pretty pointless having a godparent who is not interested in your child. Go with your instincts.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 06/11/2021 00:34

I went for friends so family couldn't accuse us of favouritism. Plus family already have a 'special' role in dcs life, we wanted to show friends how important they were.

FluffMagnet · 06/11/2021 00:39

I know my mother is appalled i didn't use my sister as godmother for DD (or my SIL either). However, I pointed out to my mother that my sister, being younger, has three godparents whereas I have an aunt, uncle and one godmother (as in I consider my aunt and uncle to be relatives first and foremost and forget they are also godparents to me).

Africa2go · 06/11/2021 00:39

Are any of them Christians? Isn't that the point?

Pinkchocolate · 06/11/2021 00:49

Either have both family and friend(s) to please the family or just friends. My sisters christened one of my children each alongside a friend; both friends are great godparents, active in my kids lives while both of my sisters have been shit. They don’t spend time with my children to know them, they never bothered nurturing their relationships. It actually annoys me that I caved in to family pressure both times but I’m glad that I had my friends too.

Kite22 · 06/11/2021 00:55

It is nothing to do with anyone else other than the two parents of the child, who the Godparents are.

You should choose someone with a Christian Faith who you believe will be involved in your child's life not just now, but into adulthood.
My personal view is it makes more sense to be someone from outside your siblings, as they will be there for them anyway, and are hopefully not going to show any favouritism to one dn over another.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 06/11/2021 01:03

Don't choose family. Done.

Family are ALREADY family. They don't need to be godparents too.

Choose close and reliable friends.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 06/11/2021 01:04

Also, yes, as a PP said, that should have read: close, reliable, CHRISTIAN friends

HeddaGarbled · 06/11/2021 01:07

It’s all a bit immaterial really. I don’t know anyone who takes it particularly seriously these days. Friends can drift out of your lives. Family will be family whether they’re godparents or not. I’d go with whatever’s going to cause you least hassle and not worry too much.

HeyMona · 06/11/2021 01:09

I wasn't going to choose her for my dd but my parents said I should as she's struggling with infertility and it would be nice for her.
How bloody patronising can you get! (I realise that's your parents' view and hope it's not yours too.)
Let's rub it in for the infertile woman that you've had two children and she's still had none.

Choose whoever you and DH want and think would be the kind of people your children could turn to for guidance throughout their lives.

smoko · 06/11/2021 01:22

Well it’s your decision & it’s rude for parents to pressure like this, they had their turn at parenting & now it’s yours. Godparents are a personal decision.

What I will say is my folks were just out of teenage years when had me & my godparents were their 2 best friends at the time. They lost contact by the time I was about 8.

In comparison my brother had closer family friendly as godparents, who have been present in his life

I am more flighty & creative kind of spirit & at no point thought my brother should pick me to be godmother. I love my nephew & a label doesn’t matter. But I am not religious…

Choose people who you are confident will remain in your kid’s life. Parents need to butt out!

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 06/11/2021 01:29

I chose family as i think you never know if friends will still be in your children's lives 1, 10 or even 20 years down the line and i want my children's godparents to have a lasting relationship with them. Some people don't speak to certain family members so the saying bloods thicker than water isn't always the case but we are a close family so i wanted to have them as godparents. It is entirely up to you who you choose, there's no right or wrong. I believe as long as it's someone who shares the Christian faith and will be involved in your child's life that's the main thing. Don't let anyone else force/persuade you into choosing certain people, it is not their choice to make at all. You and your dh should decide together. I hope your daughter has a wonderful Christening Day

starrynight21 · 06/11/2021 01:32

If you are a Christian and this is important to you, choose people who will actually do what godparents are supposed to do, ie they make big promises to encourage their godchild to grow in faith and commit to helping them understand how to live their life in a Christian way.

It's nothing to do with "what the family want" , it's all to do with being able to perform those duties. So consider each person in that light - not asking because it would be nice for her, or asking because the inlaws like her.

jcyclops · 06/11/2021 01:37

Each of the main Christian faiths has its own rules, about minimum numbers and whether some or all need to be practising or confirmed or baptised etc.
As far as I know, none of them have a maximum number, so you could avoid upsetting anyone by making them all Godparents (Catholics have a maximum of two "official" Godparents and the rest are "honorary", but you don't have to tell them which is which)

Original poster

mag2305 · 06/11/2021 03:54

Thank you to you all for your comments. It's really useful to get other people's views on this.
I agree with pps that both our parents shouldn't be interfering with this. I think they're thinking of it being 'nice' for family members rather than it being about our dd. I think my in laws are keen for us to have my SIL because she doesn't have children yet. But like my parents views on my cousin and her fertility problems, being childless shouldn't be a reason for choosing a godparent. It's quite patronising like a pp said.
My SIL and partner aren't even into children. Their lives are, work, sport and their dogs. Lovely people but just not who I'd choose.
My in-laws were also keen for us to have my dh's teenage cousin as her mother is extremely ill. Of course, I really sympathise for her as it's a horrible thing to happen but again, I don't think it should be a reason for a godparent.
I think I am leaning towards the idea of friends and leaving family out of it.

OP posts:

SinoohXaenaHide · 06/11/2021 04:15

I would definitely leave family out of it. Families are already important to each other with ties of blood relationships. Frankly I think relatives are totally inappropriate godparents because it comes across as demanding that child X must be aunty Y's favourite niece/nephew, when actually its best not to have favourites. Friends make the best godparents.

SilenceOfThePrams · 06/11/2021 05:51

People with fairy’s who will be able to take the promises and mean them. Who will be able to guide and mentor your child through life, who will be an extra adult they can trust and turn to for support.

Might be family, might not be. But it’s entirely up to you not grandparents.

Personally I like the fact my children have different Godparents not shared ones. Spreads the support more widely, gives them people in their lives who have a special relationship with them and not with a sibling.

Capferret · 06/11/2021 06:07

I had friends for ds. They’ve been marvellous godparents.
For dd I bowed to family pressure and had family two on each side.
They have been good aunts and uncles but not particularly good godparents.
Ds’s godmother has a particularly strong bond with him, even visited when he began uni.
I wouldn’t choose family.

Purplesparkle34 · 06/11/2021 06:31

For my first daughter we chose 3 friends, and not family. It was easier as if we chose family we ran the risk of upsetting someone. The 3 friends we chose are very close to is, and see my daughter a lot.
We are getting our second daughter christened next year and will give her the same godparents

Jabvribt · 06/11/2021 06:51

It’s nothing to do with either grandparents; we didn’t even consult them to be honest. With DD we chose friends who we are very close with. Both our sisters are very good aunts but I felt like they already had a role

emmathedilemma · 06/11/2021 06:57

I agree with others that aunties, uncles etc already have a "role" and if you can't pick all of them you risk offending others. If you had close friends as bridesmaids and best man / ushers at your wedding they're often a good starting point to consider for godparents.

AchyFlower · 06/11/2021 07:02

I'd choose people you know will help you raise her in the religion you follow if it's what's important to you.

AchyFlower · 06/11/2021 07:03

Do the relatives go to church?
When I was struggling with infertility I would have found it extremely insulting to be chosen to be godparent on that basis. So I'd not do that.

Cuntness · 06/11/2021 07:09

I've never understood why aunties and uncles are godparents, too. They already have a special place in the child's life. I appreciate that's more me just not getting it though.

Having said that, I have three godparents. All friends of my parents not family. I don't know a single one of them now. I obviously met them when I was a baby but I've not since. It's a shame, really.

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