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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christening family politics

52 replies

mag2305 · 06/11/2021 00:27

We would like our dd to be christened next year and have been discussing godparents. This came up in conversation with dh's family today who it seems have their own preferences for godparents, including dh's sister. She wasn't one of our choices though. I really wanted people who are actively involved in dds life and take a real interest in her as that feels right to me and more meaningful. My sister in law doesn't show much interest. She's not local and only calls us occasionally. Doesn't have her own children yet as she's really career focused. She's a lovely person but I don't really want her to be a godparent. Then on the other hand, I don't want to cause bad feeling with dh's parents.
Then on my side of the family, I chose my cousin to be son's godparent a few years back. I wasn't going to choose her for my dd but my parents said I should as she's struggling with infertility and it would be nice for her.

AIBU not to follow family views on this or do we risk upsetting people and go for who we want?
I wonder if we should go for friends only as godparents then we don't have to bring family into it at all. The christening is special to me as I do have a Christian faith, it's not just an excuse for a party. So I want to make the right choices.

OP posts:
Odile13 · 06/11/2021 07:10

You should choose who you want.

I must admit the reasons being given for suggesting family members are strange e.g. fertility problems, ill relative etc. I hardly think becoming a godparent is going to make them feel any better about their situations. In the case of the person with fertility problems, it might actually hurt their feelings.

MrzClaus · 06/11/2021 07:18

I think for me, it would be a question of who is more likely to follow the role of godparent and guide your child through their life, rather than who is more related? What is your DHs view? I think it is unfortunate that you bowed to pressure from your parents last time, I think your PIL may have suggested a family member from their side due to this. Obviously it doesn't mean you have to bow to it again! As long as you're convinced the friendship will stand the test of time, I'd go for who you want, and who you feel will fulfil the role best. 😊

DinoWoman · 06/11/2021 07:22

This is why you shouldn't bring up decisions you're making with family unless you want their input. You should have just told your family who the godparents are going to be rather than leaving the discussion open.

Original poster
mag2305 · 06/11/2021 07:41

@DinoWoman you're right! Lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
mag2305 · 06/11/2021 07:46

@MrzClaus my dh shares the same feelings as me. Although I'm aware I don't want to be negative about his sister to him, at the same time, I have said to him that she hasn't even visited our dd yet who's over 4 months old now. I don't think she even sent a card.
If we chose just friends, the good thing is they're all local. Family are scattered about in neighbouring counties.

OP posts:
AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 07:48

Your family shouldn’t be interfering with this.

It’s YOUR child
It’s YOUR faith
It’s YOUR choice

We didn’t choose family for our children as we already knew that they would be in our children’s lives more or less forever. We chose close friends to sort of honour how special our relationship with them is.

Original poster
mag2305 · 06/11/2021 07:49

@emmathedilemma I didn't have any bridesmaids for similar reasons to this thread really. I also don't have any brothers or sisters myself but I do have a lot of cousins.

OP posts:
AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 07:50

Also can’t speak for your cousin but when I was going through infertility stuff if someone asked me to be a godparent not because they really wanted me, but because they “thought it would be nice” considering the fertility struggles I would have told them to fuck off and burnt down the church 😂

Original poster
mag2305 · 06/11/2021 07:51

@AandWsMum yep, totally agree.

OP posts:
MrsFoxyplease · 06/11/2021 07:55

Friends are the way forward.
Family already have a special role to play in your dd's life- if they choose to be part of it.

Abraxan · 06/11/2021 08:03

We didn't want family as god parents. Family already have a specific role/place in the child's life. For us, a godparent was to extend that family group. We choice good friends.

I've never really understood why people appoint family members for this reason.

YoungGiftedPlump · 06/11/2021 08:08

Are they communicant members of the church and on the parish roll?
They dont Have to be but that would indicate they are committed Christians

EnterFunnyNameHere · 06/11/2021 08:09

I don't really understand the point of God parents, unless you are using them in the actual religious sense. If this is the case, you need to choose who will provide the best spiritual support.

If you are not religious, I really don't think it matters. Being/not being a godparent will have no material impact on how involved someone is with your child, or the child with them!

GenderAtheist · 06/11/2021 08:13

@AandWsMum

Your family shouldn’t be interfering with this.

It’s YOUR child
It’s YOUR faith
It’s YOUR choice

We didn’t choose family for our children as we already knew that they would be in our children’s lives more or less forever. We chose close friends to sort of honour how special our relationship with them is.

Exactly this.
seven201 · 06/11/2021 08:19

Don't have your cousin as your mum thinks it will be a favour. I've struggled with infertility. Personally I'd have hated having to go to a christening, let alone being godparent. I'd be smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. Your cousin may be different of course.

You should have who you and your DH want. It's for your DD, not them!

Kite22 · 06/11/2021 12:32

This is why you shouldn't bring up decisions you're making with family unless you want their input. You should have just told your family who the godparents are going to be rather than leaving the discussion open.

100% this, that DinoWoman said.
If you would like input / thoughts / opinions / advice, then discuss any subject with whoever you want, but if you don't, then don't bring it up as "We are thinking about....." Wait until it is fact.

fargo123 · 07/11/2021 06:07

@AandWsMum

Also can’t speak for your cousin but when I was going through infertility stuff if someone asked me to be a godparent not because they really wanted me, but because they “thought it would be nice” considering the fertility struggles I would have told them to fuck off and burnt down the church 😂
Same.

When I was struggling with infertility, I couldn't have thought of anything worse and more painful than to be involved in a major way in someone else's special baby occasion. Pity invites are an absolute insult.

Your parents need to mind their own business! - and perhaps learn some empathy for people / family members who are struggling (infertility/sick family member).

TulipsTwoLips · 07/11/2021 06:40

My brother and I have 6 godparents between us. 5 friends, and I have my uncle. It's only my uncle we are in contact with now. Times change, friendships change, but my uncle is always there.

EllaDuggee · 07/11/2021 10:27

I really wouldn't choose the cousin with infertility struggles, it will be like rubbing salt in the wound and very hard for her probably. I'd direct your parents to Google infertility struggles and their emotional impact and then they might realise! SIL has never visited your 4 month old, sounds like another obvious no (maybe point that out to PIL?). You need to follow your instincts here and choose who you think is best. Your family mean well but they are not focused on the long term well-being of your little one with these suggestions. Only you as the parents should be deciding, and if you have a faith then the godparent also having a faith also matters I would think as the role involves spiritual guidance/encouragement. I've been asked to be a godparent twice, as an atheist I'm not really too sure why.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/11/2021 10:34

I can't even remember who my children's godparents are. None of them made any effort to make this the special relationship that I would have if I'd been asked to be a godparent.

As a nice thing for someone struggling with infertility, WTF!!

Having read the threat about marrying into the upper class, I'd pick SIL for her connection. I am only half joking.

Cherrysoup · 07/11/2021 10:57

Never discuss this kind of thing with family. They are guaranteed to put forth their opinion then probably tell others about it, then you’re screwed and feel obliged because sil has heard and is expecting it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/11/2021 11:20

I would just say you aren’t going for aunts/uncles because they have a relationship w your kids anyway - you want to use g/parents to build relationships w people outside the family.

Catawaul · 07/11/2021 11:24

If I could choose again I'd ask someone from church.

Fifthtimelucky · 07/11/2021 11:48

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I went for family rather than friends because i knew that they would always be in ny children's lives and friendships don't always last. We chose my sil and her partner. They don't really have much of a relationship with the kids tbh and hardly see them. They remember burthday's and Christmas though. I still think it was the right thing to do in terms of family relationships though.

I also chose my brother and sister who have been fantastic, involved godparents.

They have got their spiritual guidance from the whole wider family too.

I did the exact opposite. I went for friends because family would be in my children's lives anyway. I went only for very long-standing friends.

Children are now in their 20s and we are still in touch with all 6 godparents, though 1 less so than the others.

LaBellina · 07/11/2021 12:04

Your relatives are overstepping by trying to force their choices on you. Go with your own choice and don’t listen to them if their choice doesn’t match yours.