To think infertility and deciding not to have kids are both painful in their own ways?

[stereeotype]

Trying to have kids and it's proving so far not to be successful. Me and DH discussed last night the reality is - if it doesn't happen maybe it's not such a bad thing we both concluded.

We see a lot of parent regret it or have kids that perhaps didn't turn out what they expected for variety of reasons (move to other countries, become tearaways etc etc) so we are not going to stress ourselves out about it.

Trouble is, I feel like not having them - either through decision or indecision is a painful experience. We are not planning on moving to another city and the place we live isa small place the kinda place where 99 percent of people have kids and not having them means, well - you're the odd one out. No other way to describe it. I'm female too so have no friends without kids.

The societal pressure is too much. It's really getting to me.

It's just becoming quite painful. I think about it a lot, and I just think it's so hard not having kids. Really, really hard. Even when you've decided not to have them - it's like a life confined to making yourself the outsider.

How do I deal with this?

'Some people enjoy the rollercoaster and some the merry-go-round. If you like an easy going life (as much as health and finances will allow) then stay a couple'

This makes a lot of sense actually. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a quiet, steady sort of life. It's just important to know if that's your sort of thing, and to plan your life accordingly, as much as you can

I don't think it's ever easy, any of this. I have secondary infertility. I couldn't have a second DC (couldn't stay pregnant) and I am normally accepting of it but sometimes I am not. I have a very vivid, visual imagination and I can picture the child(ren) I didn't have so vividly, which does not help!

Most of the children's mothers at DD's school have multiple children (several in her class are from families of six; she's the only only child I know of) and I am always being asked why I don't give DD a sibling.

It sucks.

Sorry, that was tonedeaf. I meant to add that I am incredibly lucky to have DD. She was my miracle.

Lottapianos - very well put (re: the thought that should go into the decision). And don't get me started on climate change!

Muchuseaschocolateteapot - thanks for sharing your experience; children leaving home must be a huge adjustment and loss, hope you find other things that bring you joy. I have now been with my husband for 10 years (at 46!) and time does bring a different perspective. But I am mostly content, and often grateful!

This is an interesting article which resonates with me:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/apr/29/grief-relief-children-women-choice-motherhood-ambivalence

Good article, and one which I am sure many women can relate to on some level.

I've never actually experienced any societal pressure yet to have kids. Not really even had many people ask or assume, and when they do I laugh at them. But most people know me and know that I'm just not ever going to be interested, so they don't even bother me about it anymore. I like my freedom.

I've never wanted children, I don't like children (even as a child I didn't like them), I have zero interest in children. I would be a terrible mother, yes I'd most likely be crazy protective of them if they ever had issues (to a point), but realistically the day to day care I'd find boring, repetitive and in some cases just disgusting. Having kids is not easy, and it's not something I ever want to do. My partner wants them, he thinks, but he'd not actually like having children, I know he wouldn't. Some people do have them or want them just because it's expected, not because they actually want them. That's not a good enough reason to me.

To me, choosing not to have children and not being able to have children aren't the same. Wanting them and not being able to have them is definitely going to be more painful than not ever wanting them. I feel zero pain from not wanting kids. And anyone who tries to convince me otherwise is someone I wouldn't want to be friends with.

I get this. Always assumed I would have kids. Kind of felt ambivalent but never questioned it too much. Had multiple miscarriages and due to my age seemed unlikely we would be successful. Had to decide if we would try with donor eggs. I had to be honest at that point and say I didn't want to. I would have happily done it if I hadn't had the miscarriages and just had a baby. But donor eggs felt wrong because it was taking it further than I was willing to go given my ambivalence. So I have the sadness of infertility with the difficulty of deciding not to do something that could work with the soul searching that resulted in me concluding I didn't want it enough. It's a lot. I suppose now I feel like I ended up where I was supposed to be but the journey wasn't straight forward. I learnt a lot about myself on the way though and I think overall it has turned out for the best in my specific circumstances. But it was very painful and difficult

@floralfest thank you so much for the link to that article. No one I know IRL has had the ambivalence I do so MN and articles are the only place I can relate to anyone else feeling the same.

OP you might also find this piece helpful. As well as the very practical advice, it's a beautiful image:
therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/