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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is driving 45 minutes to take the kids to school unreasonable?

99 replies

Sp3849 · 05/11/2021 07:09

So long story short. Been houshunting for 4 months. Not alot of what we want in our budget. The perfect house has come up way under budget. It is everything we wanted..... but not where we wanted it. Which wouldn't be a massive deal. Its easier for my husband to commute to work knocks a good half hour of his journey. But my son goes to a special school and it is already a 25 minute drive away. Moving to this house would make it a 45 minute drive. I think it its worth it. The kids aren't in school forever. My husband thinks it is too much and I will spend 3 hours on school runs every day and it five more years of travelling. Do you travel far for school? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

zafferana · 05/11/2021 10:28

45 mins each way? No way would I want to do that every day. That's 3 hours of driving every day and the 45 mins is 'on a good day', even more madness.

The show is 'Location, location, location' for a reason OP - because that's the single most important thing about a house.

jeaux90 · 05/11/2021 10:34

It's a lot OP. I drive 35 mins for my DD school but she gets the coach home.

The only thing I wonder is whether you could sort out using a flexible office space near the school? So you don't have to do the round trip twice a day.

astoundedgoat · 05/11/2021 10:35

@LucentBlade

I think the idea of buying desk space is a really good one. If you aren’t taking calls at all and it’s purely a laptop use job you could even work in a public library, have a mixture of home two days, rent a desk two days and library one day.

Because your DS needs a specialist school the journey is worth it though not ideal.

Definitely this. Driving for 3 hours is tiring and wasteful, especially if you are able to work from mostly anywhere.

thesugarbumfairy · 05/11/2021 10:39

It's a lot when it's not just a commute, because for you its a round trip.

However for your child its fine.
I am a bit confused as you say 'kids' but then only mention your son - do your other kids go to the same school? If not - how do they get to school if you're taking your son?

My kids are half an hours drive away and normally get the train. Now and again I will take them (if the train is cancelled) or pick them up (if they have games which is miles from school with heavy bags) and that's quite tedious for me (and painful as I have a dodgy hip - but that's not relevant here!).
The idea of doing it twice a day every weekday would fill me with horror. I don't think I could do it.

It also works out very expensive. Work out how much it will be for the weeks your child is at school - then multiply that by the number of years you will have to cover. Is that manageable? Offset it against the cost of the house.

bowlingalleyblues · 05/11/2021 10:44

We cycle to school, and that takes at least 30 minutes (small children, keep stopping etc) if it really is 45 mins or less in rush hour, it’s doable.

irene9 · 05/11/2021 10:45

No. No and No. Don't do it. Rent somewhere else nearer until another house comes up.
Otherwise you are making a stick to beat yourself with 5 days a week.
4 months is nothing for a house hunt for a 'forever' house, it really isn't. If you'd said you'd been looking 3 years I might say different.

LuaDipa · 05/11/2021 10:49

We used to live 30 mins from dc school, but it could easily be 45mins - 1hr in traffic. We got through it but it took a lot out of all of us and it’s amazing living much closer now. If I could go back I’m not sure we would do it again.

Summersnake · 05/11/2021 10:53

You will get a taxi paid for by LEA

Silverdorkinghen · 05/11/2021 10:58

I would do it for the perfect house definitely. I did it the other way for 18 months. One of our kids hated their nursery and it had made them slightly anxious. Had a lovely nursery recommended which was a solid hour’s drive away. I drove there, worked in car, did a quick run then came home - worth every mile. It did require a change in routine but it worked for us and now our child is thriving at our local school without a worry so I would definitely do it again. During lockdown when our schools were closed but nursery opened, the other kids came too. Played on electronics while I worked and then can for a walk. It was a bit of hassle but helped reverse our youngest selective mutism and gave them a great start to school.

Summersnake · 05/11/2021 10:59

Read your update
Definitely take the house .
You could work towards him managing the taxi in the future

lanthanum · 05/11/2021 11:00

So it knocks an hour off your husband's commute, but adds 1h20 for you and 40 minutes for your son, fewer weeks a year and just for five years. The time when you and your son are together in the car can be quite good talk time (it's the best time to get teens talking). So terms of total time wasted commuting, it's not that big a difference. Costs may be different. What about the other kids? Does it make a difference to them? And the other big consideration has to be about how much you enjoy/hate driving.

You might be able to find somewhere better located in a year or two, so maybe it wouldn't be for five years. I would also second/third the suggestion of seeing whether you can avoid having to come home some days - I don't know if you work/study, but if you can find somewhere to do that near the school, that reduces your travelling.

If the pay-off is between his travelling time and yours, it's great that your husband is the one that thinks it may be too far in his direction.

Newuser82 · 05/11/2021 11:03

We currently are in the process is moving house but moved my sons school first. It’s a 50 minute journey. It’s awful! It’s not just the driving time as you need to factor in the traffic and also getting parked, waiting to collect them etc. I’m total I can be out of the house almost six hours a day just taking my son to and from school. I can’t wait for it to be over!

Filthycop · 05/11/2021 11:17

Speak to your SEN team - transport may be provided and may be suitable for your DC. Not all SEN transport is public or hectic - in our LA some children are taken in taxi on their own (with approved specialist drivers). Explain the situation and that you are being forced to move - they may be able to come up with a plan for you.

FeelinSpendy · 05/11/2021 11:37

So it's 20 mins longer each way for you, but knocks off half an hour form your husband's commute (each way I assume). Overall, as a family that's 20 mins a day less driving and it's only for 5 years. I'd go for it.

Original poster

Sp3849 · 05/11/2021 11:40

OK some very valid points and ideas here! Yes I have another child who is in the main school next to my sons. So they are both in the same place just different parts. My son actually finishes school next year but will attend attend college facility for autistic children at this school (one of the reasons we selected it.) My daughter loves it there and has settled so well. Made loads of friends. She has another 5 years (it's a super school so all age renames from nursery to college are separated over the site) She has been there a year and made friends etc. I would never disrupt her and move her again. Yes we have only been looking 4 months but that is this time. We looked for 6
18 mons before moving into our rented house. The house we are looking at is in the countryside. Hence the travel. Plus we are in Wales

OP posts:

FeelinSpendy · 05/11/2021 11:40

oops - I clearly forgot about the driving time for you driving back and forth without son in the car. Ignore my comment. @lanthanum made the point I was getting at, but better!

WinterFirTree · 05/11/2021 11:42

@Sp3849

OK some very valid points and ideas here! Yes I have another child who is in the main school next to my sons. So they are both in the same place just different parts. My son actually finishes school next year but will attend attend college facility for autistic children at this school (one of the reasons we selected it.) My daughter loves it there and has settled so well. Made loads of friends. She has another 5 years (it's a super school so all age renames from nursery to college are separated over the site) She has been there a year and made friends etc. I would never disrupt her and move her again. Yes we have only been looking 4 months but that is this time. We looked for 6 18 mons before moving into our rented house. The house we are looking at is in the countryside. Hence the travel. Plus we are in Wales

Oh i would seriously go with the dream house in the countryside and the commute. The upsides sound as if they far outweigh the relative downside of the commute.

lanthanum · 05/11/2021 11:54

So only 3 years of your son being there? Might your daughter be able to do part of the journey by public transport, once it's just her? How does your daughter feel about the commute?

However your daughter being at a distance from school is a rather bigger concern: she's going to want to socialise with friends (I'm guessing this is less of an issue with your son), and that's going to be a lot trickier if you're at a distance. Taking them to school and back is going to be a lot of travelling, but if you have to go and collect daughter later in the evening... I think you'd have to hope she has friends whose parents don't mind her staying over any time there's something on after school.

Original poster

Sp3849 · 05/11/2021 12:21

Definitely a good idea I could work from the library some days I also have a 4g router so I could cut the week up a bit and not travel back sine days! I am also open to a bit if voluntary or charity work. So I could phone around and offer my services. I can only do school time though. I have nobody to help me with my children. As we live away from all our family. My mum helps out and comes to stay now and again but I don't have any support network as such. My husband runs a forestry company and has alot of commuting. He has to stay away alot because of travelling distance. If we moved to this house it means that he would be home more.

OP posts:

DixonD · 05/11/2021 12:31

@Caramellatteplease

If it is the nearest appropriate school you are entitled to transport even if it's the other side of the country. You just may need to go to tribunal to get it.

Surely, this should be allocated to those who cannot drive their own children? OP is perfectly capable of driving (I assume!).

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2021 12:31

Can you meet up with sons transport on the edge of the district at a bus stop? Id also move the other kids to a nearer school

ArianaDumbledore · 05/11/2021 12:43

Post-16 in England the LA can ask for a financial contribution towards transport, I'm not sure if Wales is the same. Will it be full time hours he attends for?
ii you're committed to driving your daughter to the mainstream I'd make sure the logistics are going to work for thr start and finish times for son and daughter.

lemondrop21 · 05/11/2021 13:02

I couldn't do it.
We were offered a free new build house through my husbands job to take part in a sustainability project but it was 35 minutes drive from my daughters school. Would have been 50 with traffic.
I drove it a few time to go see the house and couldn't bring myself to do it 4 times a day so we had to turn it down!
There will always be another house op!
Depends how desperate you are to move

MrsBobDylan · 05/11/2021 14:50

I have a child at a special school and for a while did a total of 1hr 20mins drives a day and was so glad when it ended.

I honestly couldn't cope with three hours driving a day for the next five years. It will stop you living your life IMO because you won't get any time for yourself.

If you can find a near special school, then go for it, otherwise, I'd keep searching.

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