Friends being exclusive and not inclusive

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Sorry name changed for this in case any “friends” this relates to are on mumsnet. I have a friendship group of four mums from school, we all have children in the same years. Same interests and until this week, I thought we were close. Anyway friend A and B organised to hang out together on an inset day (friend C working), didn’t extend the invite when I asked them what they were doing. They then had a change of plan and ended up coming to the activity I had planned and then left together to have lunch with their DCs and no further invite. All felt a bit awkward. I was really hurt and upset not only for my DC but it just made me feel like why would grown women who I consider to be close friends feel comfortable with excluding someone 🥴. My DC plays well with the others, so it’s definitely not the fact the children don’t get on. Just can’t stop feeling shit about it.

I raised it with one of the friends as in, have I done anything to offend other friend? she said the other one just likes 1-2-1 play dates. I’m not going to cause any drama over it within the group but would be interested to get your views whether AIBU in terms of it making me feel a bit shit?

I think some people just like being in 1-1 situations more.
This sounds harsh (but honestly I don't mean it in a bad way) but they probs cooked up the idea and didn't even think of you because it was always just a 1-1 thing. You probs done nothing wrong.

However, I do think it's a bit mean not to at least acknowledge that you might not feel included. I wouldn't perhaps invest too much in these mums for your own wellbeing.

If your DC is fairly young, I promise you will get used to this and end up not giving a fuck. I think it is rude, but gave up feeling hurt a long time ago and focused on people who didn't exclude.

I do think in a group of four, you might naturally get two who are closer.

Mine teens now but when we did playcentres etc always included the mums where the meetup was. I dont know op. Find some bit clicky. But it can be hurtful.

This drives me crackers. I have (had?) a friend who will happily tell you that what they’ve organised is just for the two of them one week and then will be super needy to get an invite to what you’ve organised the next. It’s the brass neck I can’t get over. I’d feel so uncomfortable doing either.

Yes I just wanted to check I wasn’t being too sensitive. I won’t cause drama or even fall out with them. I guess I always include and go with the more the merrier etc. Thought I was way too old for all this shit! @AngelicaElizaAndPeggyJust probably see it for what it is and not to invest too much.

Yes @HelloDulling you are right, I guess it was just the blatant not acknowledging I was sort of at the activity on my own. It’s just a bit off, at not the way I treat them. But hey ho, they don’t really owe me anything!

@OperationDessertStorm that’s exactly it! One of these friends has cried to me about being excluded from things before. I am annoyed at myself for feeling upset as I have managed to not let these things ever bother me before.

I had this where I worked.
Suggested a day trip at Xmas with 3 friends.
A month later I arrive at work and a colleague asks why I'm not on the day trip with the other 3.
They'd organised it behind my back and not asked me.
I decided after that to be professional and polite, nothing else.
I was very hurt though.

I don't have an issue with friends doing stuff with each other without inviting me and neither do I feel the need to be "inclusive" myself.

I'm always surprised that people get upset over this kind of thing.

@Capferret that’s so horrible of your colleagues and I’m sorry they were so mean to you.

Yes, YABU.
It isn't 'excluding' to also enjoy doing things in different 'groups' - or in this case just 2 people doing something together. It is a perfectly normal thing to do.
When you start trying to organise 'dates' for 4 people (or worse, 4 families) it does become a bit of a chore, and does feel like you are 'organising' people - it is much easier to just ask one person if they want to go to X.
Over the years I've been friends with lots of different people, but that doesn't mean that every time I go somewhere I have to invite them all. That would be ridiculous.

Yes @Kite22 I agree with you and I am not saying at every circumstance. Obviously you can’t go enmasse to everything. This is specific to one day, being at an activity together and leaving one person on their own after they asked what you were up and saying there were at a loose end. Also leaving one child playing on their own as you go off to a lunch date with the other kids?

I think when you have good self esteem and confidence, you don't mind so much if people socialise without you

It's never very nice to feel excluded, but the trick is not to take it too personally

Yes it's a bit off OP. If I've understood, they turned up the event you were at and then went off together for lunch and didn't extend the invite. Did they come and sit with you during the event?

I would feel a bit sensitive about this too. Most likely it is just that some people in a group are closer than others, and like doing things by themselves at times. But I have also had the experience in a group of one person being competitive about friendship and actively cutting me out. Life is too short to worry about those things, just made me take a mental step back from the relationships and what I expected from them.

@BurnedToast, yes that’s right. They had arranged their own day and then decided to do the thing I was doing (I don’t think this wasn’t because they particularly wanted to hang out with me. Just probably thought it sounded better). Turned up spoke to me a bit, children played together ALOT and made a beeline for each other, they then left with their DC near the end, saying we are off now. I think if they did their original day it wouldn’t have upset me as much!

I am honestly annoyed with myself for feeling upset. I’m wondering whether we have drifted a bit recently and that’s why I am feeling more sensitive to it. I don’t want to moan or bitch about them, just want to understand why it made me feel shit!

@Smashingspinster, thank you for understanding and good advice.

I would feel hurt about this, but as previous posters have said, as your children grow up you sort of get used to it. They have loads of friends and your 'mum' friends will change over time too. Dont read too much into it xxx

It would make me feel shit too. It's not so much they arranged their own thing, but that they joined your event and then buggered off without inviting you. I suppose it's a direct rejection, rather than the more subtle one if they'd been together out of sight.

Tbh OP, I have always found these group relationships made via school or work or whatever are rarely that deep. They rely on one common factor which is often not enough.

I'd suggest stepping back , enjoy their company but these people may not be the friends you thought they were.

I also find whenever these splinter groups start up that they inevitably self implode at some point.

@Snog

I don't have an issue with friends doing stuff with each other without inviting me and neither do I feel the need to be "inclusive" myself.

I'm always surprised that people get upset over this kind of thing.

I'm the same - I have several friendship groups and we all see each other in different combinations. Sometimes all together, sometimes just a few of us, sometimes one on one. None of us are upset by it. If you're friends, you're friends. It doesn't mean you have to be attached at the hip. Every friendship is different and people do different things together.

Dd has a friend like this that only wants to know her on a 1:1 basis. Gets sulky if she speaks to anyone else and refuses to speak to or join in in a group but speaks to the other mutual friends and has 1:1 time with them excluding dd too at other times - I'd hoped this would be grown out of as they are still 11 but it sounds like it's not always the case!

My daughter is not good in a group of 3, there are always tears afterwards about who sat next to who and played who more. Although she likes seeing both friends equally she prefers to see them and other friends separately rather than in a group. Could it be that?

Saying that, if they've turned up at the same place as you and then go for lunch without inviting you, that's really rude and is a different thing to organising something separately, its rubbing your face in it that you're not invited.

Can I just say that completely agree with everyone saying you can’t expect to be invited to everything etc and it’s fine for smaller groups to go off and that’s what we were like as a group, but not at the same event!

If it was just these two friends having a coffee and catch up I wouldn’t expect to always have an invite. Although if for example, I was heading out for coffee with someone and we bumped into someone else we both knew well, I would then always extend the invite to the other person Is that not expected? If so I’ll stop ?!

It has made me have a lot more sympathy for my daughter’s friendship issues for sure. Thank you for your replies. Luckily I have some very long and loyal friends outside the school group so as other posters have said will not get too invested.

It’s a wake up call. You are a good and loyal friend and they’re a bit shit to be frank. Stop including them. You now get to be selfish and do what you want with who you want. Extend your friendship group. Start building other school friendships outside of these two. Be proactive. Other playdates and coffees with other kids/mums. Don’t tell them. It’s your business only.