Friends being exclusive and not inclusive

[Mustbethreecharactersormore]

Sorry name changed for this in case any “friends” this relates to are on mumsnet. I have a friendship group of four mums from school, we all have children in the same years. Same interests and until this week, I thought we were close. Anyway friend A and B organised to hang out together on an inset day (friend C working), didn’t extend the invite when I asked them what they were doing. They then had a change of plan and ended up coming to the activity I had planned and then left together to have lunch with their DCs and no further invite. All felt a bit awkward. I was really hurt and upset not only for my DC but it just made me feel like why would grown women who I consider to be close friends feel comfortable with excluding someone 🥴. My DC plays well with the others, so it’s definitely not the fact the children don’t get on. Just can’t stop feeling shit about it.

I raised it with one of the friends as in, have I done anything to offend other friend? she said the other one just likes 1-2-1 play dates. I’m not going to cause any drama over it within the group but would be interested to get your views whether AIBU in terms of it making me feel a bit shit?

Why wouldn't you say something to them? Point out how it made you feel? I would send a joint message to the 2 on whatsapp, telling them how they made you feel, and pointing out that you know that xx friend went through a similar situation before, so you wanted to make them aware you were feeling the same.

If they are friends who you like, who are generally good people, then I would assume that they didn't realise and want to fix it rather than that they were trying to exclude you.

School groups can be messy and I've seen so many times the Mums for whom it was important to have that clique at the school gates, really ended up with a rough ride. Kids fall out, different families move in, they get less control and don't like it. I've seen several friends really want that 'school Mum' group and lots of tears.

I've always felt a bit like an outsider at the school gates. When my dc were very little I was working full time so no time for daytime coffees etc, but I've developed lovely friends through their activities, a scheme we volunteer in as a family. We don't have that 'do everything together' circle but as a result we have so much less drama, we have good friendships as a family and myself individually and avoided the hassle that can come with group dynamics. The two school Mum's that were Queen Bee's in the year group are still constantly trying to control their children's friendships and our children are now all in secondary school!

Hold you head high, don't get your emotional needs met through Mums at school, be breezy about the whole thing and just focus on your own family and your own solid friendships. Will make things much easier @Mustbethreecharactersormore in the long run! You sound lovely and deserve better.