To ask if your loved ones have known when they would die?

[TimeToSay]

Just that really.

A relative of mine has been terminally ill for a while. They are on end of life hospice care.

Today they spent the day trying their hardest to get messages to everyone to thank them, tell us they love us.

I can't help but think somehow they "know" and maybe when I said goodbye just now that was it.

If so I'm at peace with it. As it's been lovely to have that experience and they need to escape the pain they've been in so long.

So would like to hear your experiences please. I sort of don't want to prepare myself as much as I feel I am if it could be a few more days for them.

My mum was end stage Parkinson's and was semi-conscious for nearly two weeks before she died, barely speaking. Every so often she would open her eyes and watch something in front of her. She appeared to be entranced by it. After one such happening, she turned to me and told me that she had to go soon and that I couldn't come with her, but she loved me very much. She died a few days later.

@Garriet^“What is grief, if not love persevering?”

The emotion is palpable here. It’s a heartbreaking thread but also strangely affirming. My thoughts are with all of you who’ve lost loved ones and shared the end with them with such love.^

You have put it perfectly.

@A580Hojas

My uncle, who died of pancreatic cancer in his mid 70s, got up from his bed, had a shower and announced that that day would be the day. Incredibly it was true.

My father gave a speech to his favourite child in the hospice very late at night telling him loads of stuff (he was more or less silent for the other 3 of us who saw him earlier in the day) and died before noon the following day.

I think people often know.

I've seen a lot of people die ( worked in a hospice for 15 years ) and patients often had a little period where they were a bit brighter / more lucid before they then declined again and died.

My grandfather was a staunch Catholic and hadn't been a well man for a long time. For Catholics, May 1 is the holy day Feast of St. Joseph the Worker - he wanted to die on that date and did! His daughter (my aunty) is a nun in the order of the Sisters of St Joseph, so he always held that date as special.

My mum had cared for my dad for a long time too, until we had to decide as a family that he needed to go into a nursing home, for both their sakes. He said he knew he wasn't able to go home any more, so just gave up and passed away a few weeks later, when he really didn't have anything terminal.

It happened with my great grandmother. In fairness she was very ill and the doctors knew it was only a matter of time. She had been sent home and I went to visit. At the end of my visit she gave me loads of food from the cupboards. I tried to decline and told her she could eat it herself and she said "no, no, I'll be dead this time next week and I don't want things to go to waste". She was right.

Oh, forgot to add - on Dad's last day, I was visiting him with my Mum and my aunty (the nun, dad's sister) and my dad said "Jesus is here" - the 3 of us were shocked and I asked him to repeat it and he said the same thing again. He hadn't been verbal for about a week, so all 3 of us were surprised - and I called all my siblings and suggested they come in to see Dad too. So glad I did.

My Dad died 4 weeks ago today, we knew he was dying, he had terminal cancer.
He had the syringe driver put in on the Friday and wasn't expected to last the weekend.
On the Thursday I knew but I don't know if he did, he was non verbal and sleeping most of the time by then.
We had a Marie Curie nurse who was sitting overnight and she said he would definitely see the morning because his pulse was very strong. I knew he was different but couldn't say what it was.
An hour after the nurse arriving she called me into the room and said you were right he's going now.
Like Peoniesandpeaches' DDad, his passing was anything but peaceful, I'm traumatised by the the look on his face as he was dying.

My husband was in the hospice and the doctors told me to ring anyone I needed to as he would probably die within the next few hours as by this stage he was in and out of consciousness and had double pain drivers. But he hanged on in there but he was in terrible pain. I would leave each morning whilst they did his personal care as I just couldn’t bare to watch the pain of them moving him bring him back to consciousness and each time before I left I kissed him and told him if he wanted to go whilst I wasn’t there I would understand and it was ok. But still he hanged on. For a week everyday was the same. I would sit and play his favourite music to him and he had awful taste in music. I told him his parents were waiting for him and they would look after him until we met again. He was a lifelong football fan and loved most sports so I would read the sports news to him. He had a thing of the last day of the football transfer window he would watch the updates all evening and he wouldn’t go to bed until it closed. He final left us just after the transfer window closed and after I had read the last late transfers and I am positive this is what he hanged on for. He was the best man I have ever know and that bastard cancer took him far to early.

I feel that my mum knew that she was going to die, she fell ill, made a recovery but she wasn’t her usual self, could tell just by looking in her eyes that she was upset and not her normal self, she went abroad on a holiday and I knew I would never see her again, before she went I told my best friend and DH that mum won’t be coming back, 2 weeks into her holiday she sadly passed away.

My mum didn't know - she'd been mostly unconscious for the previous five days - but the hospice staff did. They were very attuned to various signs of how long people had left to live, and they were able to give us a pretty good range of how long she had left.

So sorry for everyone's losses.
My dad knew he was dying, and told my older brother to take care of the rest of us. His death was not peaceful as such, because it was a heart attack.
He wasn't afraid, at the end, which was a comfort.

Wow, this thread has me in pieces.

I'm so sorry for all of your losses, especially @RantyAunty; your story made me think of my Dad passing away and how grateful I was that we were all with him, loving him until the very end.

He left us during a quiet moment in the Hospice, when it was just him and Mum holding hands.

I strongly believe that someone who has already passed comes along to collect them.

When my mum was a few days away, she was constantly talking about my aunt who had died 23 years previous.

And my nan too. She lost 5 adult children and she kept mentioning one.

@MuddlingThroughLife and others - I'm so sorry for your losses sending so much love xx

I was a little unwell with an infection and I had the urge to call and text loda of people I knew

That night I had a heart attack. Luckily didn't die obv, but I still think it's odd as I'm not very socialable normally

My dad was in palliative care for several weeks. I went abroad for a weekend with my daughter He definitely knew. I said to him should we go..he could barely speak he nodded and I got a thumbs up and a smile. The day I was coming back my husband booked me an earlier flight as he had deteriorated. He hasn't spoken a word to anyone for days. As soon as we walked in. He said my name and my daughter's name and held our hands. He was smiling. He died that night
I do think they know

My father in law died this august we saw him on the Tuesday and said we would see him Saturday as myself and my husband left he grabbed our hand and shook it he had never done this before (not very hug type person) he died on the Thursday whilst getting dressed.

Thanks all for your lovely, heartbreaking and yet often heartwarming replies.

My dad is still with us this morning. I was checking my phone all night and dreaming about the end of the world.

Off to sit with him shortly. Will play some of his favourite songs as he enjoyed that yesterday.

He's been so peaceful these last few days I'm strangely disappointed he didn't just drift away after such a nice day. Although I fully realise when he does die it's going to be awful, but he's on the maximum does now in his syringe drivers and I hate the thought of there being a problem that means he suffers more pain or something means this peace we've been at the last 2 days gets broken.

I've never experienced death so close up before. And really glad I am having this time and experience (although would much prefer it was in 20 years time for my dad he's only early 60s) as already it's totally changed my perspective on the end of life. And I will treasure yesterday forever. Seeing my daughter hug my dad and tell her he's the best grandad ever, he hasn't been able to talk for a few days (been trying to sign things to us) but I know how much it meant to both of them.

Sending you all lots of love. X

The GP and palliative care nurse visited 24 hours before DF died at home and organised a syringe driver of pain medication and anti-anxiety meds and gently let us know it wouldnt be long until he died. I sat up with my DF that night as my mum and brother were both exhausted. Dad and I were chatting up to 30 mins before he died and then he drifted off and definitely saw his mum as he called her name out. As his breathing changed I fetched my mum and brother who were sleeping upstairs so we were all with him when he died peacefully. It was a priviledge to care for him at the end, as he had cared for all of us when he was alive 💕

@TimeToSay Thinking of you.

I'm in bits reading this. Lots of love to you @TimeToSay and peace for your DF.

I am convinced that all the people close to me that have died knew, the last time I saw my DM alive she wasn't expected to die yet insisted on praying over me and thanking God for me and our relationship (she had left when I was little). She died the morning of the day me, dp and DC's were meant to visit.

It gives me such hope to think we may have some agency at the end

Yes. Both my best friend (cancer, far too young; we all piled in for a final drink and chat. 'You lot can bugger off now'. And my Nan; 'I've had enough now, dear'. She passed that night. They knew.

So sorry you are going through this.

As a nurse I do believe that people know, I believe my dmil did and it is comforting. I am sorry for everyone who has lost someone particularly muddling what an amazing mum you are ❤️.

@LobsterNapkin

Someone I know who studied forensics did her research in this kind of thing, and the things that sick people do in the last months and weeks before they die. Apparently it is quite predictable, even if they don't know when in fact their death will be.

I don't know why but this post prompted a memory of a neighbour, who died suddenly, in her twenties. She was working away from home, but usually visited home at weekends. On what turned out to be her last visit, she went around the house, going into each room in turn, for no apparent reason. She never came home again, she died the following week, of a brain haemorrhage.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and I'm so sorry for everyone's losses 💐