To ask if your loved ones have known when they would die?

[TimeToSay]

Just that really.

A relative of mine has been terminally ill for a while. They are on end of life hospice care.

Today they spent the day trying their hardest to get messages to everyone to thank them, tell us they love us.

I can't help but think somehow they "know" and maybe when I said goodbye just now that was it.

If so I'm at peace with it. As it's been lovely to have that experience and they need to escape the pain they've been in so long.

So would like to hear your experiences please. I sort of don't want to prepare myself as much as I feel I am if it could be a few more days for them.

He wasn’t a loved one..

But there was a man that called me in when I was walking past his cubicle in a heaving A&E. (I was admin) he grabbed my hand and just said, can you ring my wife and ask her to come back? I was like sure!

So I made the call. Explained who I was, that I wasn’t clinical, but hed called me in and asked me to ring her and for her to come back.

She had just got home. She was like absolutely I’ll come back. Didn’t think much of more of it. About an hour later she came to find me, and thanked me, as he’d slipped away about 15 minutes after she’d come back. They both knew how unwell he was, but he knew how close the time was. This was about 8 years ago but it’s stayed with me and I think always will stay with me.

My friend's little boy died suddenly and unexpectedly at seven. The night before when she put him to bed, he said "I've had a lovely day, but I'm so tired, mammy, l'm going to go to sleep for a very long time."
They found him dead in his bed the next morning.

My mum had cancer . It was terminal but she was stable and her condition was being managed. One night she had trouble breathing and was taken into hospital. After 2 days the medical team called us in and said they would put her into an induced coma for a couple of days to give her body a rest and see if it helped . When we went in to speak to her she was more full of life and smiles than I'd seen for a long time. She said "they're putting me to sleep for 2 weeks. "Praise my soul the king of heaven" - you must sing that at my funeral".
She remained in the medical coma and died 2 weeks later to the day. I feel sad that I didn't get a proper last conversation but she was so happy and confident where she was going I am comforted by that

So sorry muddling 💔

My partner had terminal cancer and he'd gone a week at least without speaking, it was too much effort. He was paralysed from the waist down as the cancer got his spine. He wanted to die at home and he was in a bed in the living room. His family popped in and out each day and the district nurses came each evening to check he was ok. Each day seemed the same to me, I was only young and I had no experience of anyone being so poorly. This one day, his brother and sister came and I went into the kitchen to give them some time alone. All of a sudden as clear as anything he shouted my name so loudly, over and over, I went running in to see what was wrong, he grabbed my hand and said I love you, then took one last breath and died. He definitely knew it was time.

@MuddlingThroughLife

My forever 10 year old son told me 2 nights before he died "I'm so tired and I don't know where to go". I told him he had to go when he was ready and he did.

Your post has affected me the most. I'm so sorry

@TheVolturi

So sorry muddling 💔

My partner had terminal cancer and he'd gone a week at least without speaking, it was too much effort. He was paralysed from the waist down as the cancer got his spine. He wanted to die at home and he was in a bed in the living room. His family popped in and out each day and the district nurses came each evening to check he was ok. Each day seemed the same to me, I was only young and I had no experience of anyone being so poorly. This one day, his brother and sister came and I went into the kitchen to give them some time alone. All of a sudden as clear as anything he shouted my name so loudly, over and over, I went running in to see what was wrong, he grabbed my hand and said I love you, then took one last breath and died. He definitely knew it was time.

@RantyAunty

Yes, my late husband knew and I knew.

Something in his voice changed and this feeling just came over me and I said to him quietly as we were sitting on the sofa, you're dying aren't you. And he replied, yes, I am. I'm tired and don't want to fight anymore.
He fought cancer so very hard.
I said, ok. He asked me to promise I'd be ok and to take care of the kids and not to forget him. I promised.

I called the hospice nurse to come out.
She dosed him up with more morphine.
We all got in bed with him, kids, grandson, dog and turned on Rocky.
We all fell asleep and when I woke up he was gone.

Oh my. 😥.

I think my mum knew. She had terminal cancer and had been given 6 months to live on Halloween.

5th december she made sure I'd write her Xmas cards out, got the Christmas food shopping sorted. Wrapped all her presents for family.

She died the next day.

It was like she wanted to get Christmas sorted before she went.

Both of my maternal grandparents have sent their loved ones away on an errand and died moments later - I'm sure they knew the end was coming imminently.

Never has a mumsnet thread made me cry, until this one.
I truly am, so very sorry, to you all for your losses.

Yes. I have spent most of my working life looking after poorly elderly people either on a hospital ward or in a nursing home.

I always believe someone who tells me they're dying (even if clinically there's nothing to suggest it is imminent). In my experience too many have been right to ignore it.

My mum also knew.

My grandparents were due to move house to be nearer my parents so they could look after them more. Gran kept saying she wouldn’t make the move, she would die first, but she seemed really healthy. Then she had a heart attack and died instantly a few days before the move date. An awful shock for Grandad, but a good way to go really.

@MuddlingThroughLife I am so sorry

Heartbreaking and yet heart warming too. Love is such an amazing thing!!

In my very first teaching job at 23, a boy in my year 6 class heartbreakingly died of leukaemia. We had no idea he was ill, although he did say he was tired a lot, no one thought much more of it.
I vividly remember one Friday after school as he was leaving he came to say goodbye to me, he was just stood there really looking at me, saying goodbye, just something in that moment felt strange, he kept saying he was going. Of course, at the time I likely shrugged it off. He wasn’t back in school the next week, again didn’t think anything of it.
Can’t remember the time span now (it was 18 years ago now) but I ended up being off school quite ill with a kidney infection in bed. I remember getting a call off his mum, saying he was in hospital and v ill but they weren’t sure what was wrong and he asked her to contact me and tell me he was in hospital. It was so confusing at the time as I was ill and didn’t think there was much wrong as he was just a child. He passed not long after.
I felt so horrendously guilty for not visiting him.
I went to the funeral, which was utterly heartbreaking. His parents gave me a card, thanking me for teaching him and saying he asked after me in hospital and considered me a special friend to him.

My df said that as his father and grandfather and great grandfather died in the January of the year after they turned 56 then he didn't rate his chances. He went away for Christmas and said his goodbyes and we had a quiet moment with both of us feeling emotional and ridiculous. He called to wish me Happy Birthday on Christmas Day. He didn't phone New Years Day, his wife called to say he'd had a massive stroke was in hospital and wasn't expected to survive. He died as he expected in the January of the year after he turned 56.

My mum always said my Nana knew. She had lung cancer and was due to go into a hospice the next day which she didn't want to do, but it was needed. She read the Yorkshire evening post every day of her adult life but when my mum asked her that particular day if she should buy one she said no thanks not today. She seemed perfectly ok and was expected to live another few months but when I left the room she told.me she loved me (which she never did, she just wasn't the type). I went upstairs to where my mum & dad were decorating and within 5 mins she had gone.

@katseyes7

My friend's little boy died suddenly and unexpectedly at seven. The night before when she put him to bed, he said "I've had a lovely day, but I'm so tired, mammy, l'm going to go to sleep for a very long time." They found him dead in his bed the next morning.

Oh my goodness 😭 utterly heartbreaking.

So sorry to you too Muddling, I just cannot imagine 💐

This thread has made me cry tonight, my condolences to all of you who have lost loved ones. Especially Muddling

@hiredandsqueak im so scared of this. We have a certain age in our family that I’m terrified to reach and terrified not to reach, because so many women in our bloodline have died that year of completely different things.

Fairly sure my dad knew. We visited him in hospital the day before he died and he told my three year old how proud of him he was and to tell his baby sibling all about him (I was six months pregnant). He told me he loved me and told dh to look after me. That was mid afternoon on the Sunday. At around 1am the hospital phoned my mum and told her he was asking for her. He lost consciousness around two hours later and died a few hours after that.

for you all

My ex MIL was very ill for a few months and died waiting for a transplant.

All the family were there when she deteriorated apart from my SIL, her daughter. When her daughter arrived, she was coherent enough to speak to her and then died within minutes.

I don’t know if she knew or was just waiting to say goodbye or what, but the timing really doesn’t seem coincidental.

I also remember my grandma telling me she wasn’t coming out of hospital and she died the following day.

My dad knew. He was in hospital with cancer but they said it was very treatable and he just needed some help with a chest infection. They’d given him 1-2 years to live so wasn’t expected to die anytime soon.

He wasn’t eating much of the hospital food so my sister brought him some treats from M&S and he was deciding which one to have. He always hated food waste 😂 so he asked what the sell by dates were as he wanted to make sure none were wasted. She picked up a pudding thing and said “this one is 3rd December” which at the time was about 2 weeks away. He said very matter of fact “oh well I’ll be dead by then” and we all laughed and told him to stop being ridiculous. He died on the 2nd.

To an extent - my father died an hour after my birthday, I think he hung on until afterwards

Apparently my greatgrandmother insisted my nan took flowers to her sister for her birthday one day, Nan said but it's her birthday tomorrow I'll take them then, her mum was insistent they were taken that day. That night rather than her usual goodnight to my greatgranddad she said goodbye, she passed away that night

[quote HorseGallopingOnATomato]@hiredandsqueak im so scared of this. We have a certain age in our family that I’m terrified to reach and terrified not to reach, because so many women in our bloodline have died that year of completely different things.[/quote]
FWIW my father was convinced he would die at 55 as his father had done (apparently he found him in the morning when he was 11 - it must have affected him massively) as had other relatives

As soon as he turned 56 he felt ok again (he was 73 when he died)