To ask if your loved ones have known when they would die?

[TimeToSay]

Just that really.

A relative of mine has been terminally ill for a while. They are on end of life hospice care.

Today they spent the day trying their hardest to get messages to everyone to thank them, tell us they love us.

I can't help but think somehow they "know" and maybe when I said goodbye just now that was it.

If so I'm at peace with it. As it's been lovely to have that experience and they need to escape the pain they've been in so long.

So would like to hear your experiences please. I sort of don't want to prepare myself as much as I feel I am if it could be a few more days for them.

My wonderful, kind, funny, amazing, genuine uncle passed away on Sunday morning. He had been deteriorating for a while, had a real dip due to infection and then had around 48 hours of lucid capability before the final decline. We talked about how I could never repay him for being my second Dad and would forever be in his debt, and he told me how I had been a great help to him too, and how much he loved me and I was the only one he felt able to talk to. We both knew it was the last "proper" conversation we'd ever have and I told him I'd look after his wife and my son who was like a grandson to him. He promised to look after my pets who have crossed the rainbow bridge. On Saturday I visited with my son and spent some time with him. I told him we'd be okay and that he needed to go now; he had done his time and taught us well and that we'd be okay. My son (8 years old) asked to spend some time alone with him and he did. I don't know what DS said to him; it's not my place to ask that, but he passed away peacefully around 14-15 hours later. I'm sorry, I don't know if that answers your question but thank you for the opportunity to talk about him x

@Mayhemmumma

Heartbreaking and yet heart warming too. Love is such an amazing thing!!

As I was reading down I was thinking that this thread is all about love and I found that you'd already said it, Mayhem.

My husband's grandmother did. We were very close. DH visited her in hospital as much as he could but he was working and I wasn't so I stayed with my mum who lived near the hospital and went in pretty much every day. One day when I visited she asked after every member of the family and not just how they were but where they were. Then she said to me that she wanted me to go for a walk in the sunshine, insisted that I left and told me she wanted a nap, so I did as she had asked. She settled herself comfortably and I gave her a kiss and a hug and she fell asleep and never woke up.

@MuddlingThroughLife

My forever 10 year old son told me 2 nights before he died "I'm so tired and I don't know where to go". I told him he had to go when he was ready and he did.

So very sorry

Mine had no idea they were about to die. We had no chance for goodbyes.

I think my Dh knew :(. Two days before he died he told me that he felt his mother had been haunting him recently. I thought he meant “haunting” as in she was on his mind and he was feeling guilty for not having intervened more in the physical fights between his parents. I started on a “you did all you could, it’s not a child’s place to police it’s parents’ relationship” speech, and he said “I don’t mean like she’s haunting me like that, I’ll explain more when I’m not so emotional”.

We never revisited that conversation and he died less than 2 days later. He wasn’t in any way, shape or form spiritual or religious and I often wonder what he meant. All I can think of is he knew he was dying, and his mum had come to see him :(.

I finished my education in the summer. I could fly out of the nest, all on my own. My mother was ill and weary. In the November she said she didn't mind if she died. She died in the December. I am now 21 years older than she was when she died.

Someone I know who studied forensics did her research in this kind of thing, and the things that sick people do in the last months and weeks before they die. Apparently it is quite predictable, even if they don't know when in fact their death will be.

The saddest post I have ever read on here and full of such love. I have cried so much and completely feel your pain xx 💗💕❤️‍🩹

Yes. Being told I won’t be seeing you again was a heartbreaking moment. It still is but I am grateful for the time we had

In terms of my personal experience, my grandmothers and one grandfather all seemed to die when they decided they'd had enough. They all were elderly and had cancer, but my grandmothers both went into hospital with illness or injury when they realized they could no longer continue to stay at home, and although the doctors felt that they would recover and carry on for some time, both died within two weeks. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and though he was given some months, died in his bed two nights later.

I've often wondered what is different with people like that, as opposed to people like my other grandfather or my dh's grandmothers, who all wasted away with illness over long periods.

Both my mum and dad knew they were close to dying and my mum had that clarity in the midst of dementia. It’s quite well documented that people ‘know’.
Big hug.

So many similar stories.

My Mum became ill very quickly, it was 7 days from her going into high dependency to her passing. She didn't/couldn't say a word the entire time she was there, until the last night. She held onto my hand as I was leaving, pulled her oxygen mask down and said 'goodbye, I love you'.

I took this as a great sign, she could talk so she was doing better. That wasn't the case and she died a few hours later.

The weord thing is, she has died momentarily two nights before. We think. It was all a blur. My dad and I walked up to her bed but as we did a nurse rushed over to her. She was unresponsive and I don't believe her monitors showed any signs of life. The nurse said she was sorry, but she has passed in that moment. I broke down, I screamed, I don't know what, I just remember the screaming and wailing. She then came to, I have no idea how. Part of me feels like she had to say goodbye, but the other part just doesn't understand how that could be possible.

I worked at a hospice for 7 yrs , I have witnessed lots of things and yes I strongly believe you know when it's time. Especially patients that were at peace with themselves. Some patients almost needed permission to let go, loved ones would ask what are they waiting for when they were unresponsive for a few days, I encouraged and supported them to tell them it was ok to go now and more often than not they died soon after. Sending hugs to you at this difficult time.

Oh this is a sad, emotional, life affirming but devastating thread. Hugs to everyone here who has lost someone they love. Like many others, I have felt tearful reading through the posts.

My mother in law had been terminally ill for a few months and the family had rallied round, sitting with her during the summer holidays. She was never alone. On the first day of term, when her daughters were taking their children to school, she asked for a new dress to put on. And for the first time in months, for a few moments, my father in law left her alone to go to the bathroom. When he came back, she'd gone, seemingly choosing that moment to die when no one else was around. I do believe she knew.

Yes my darling Mum gave me a super hug when I last saw her alive! She was never a big hugger and I laughed and told her to calm down! Five dats later she died suddenly. Tonight I am feeling really sad because she was in Tunbridge Wells at the mortuary where the horrific creature had access to !! I know that if she had been interfered with we would know but am still feeling absolutely sickened.!!

This is such an emotional thread, so sorry for your experiences My Gran was in her early 90s but had no illnesses. Mum went over Monday to Friday to help out and had done for a few years.
I visited Gran mid week on one occasion when Mum had gone home and she told me that she didn’t want to be a burden to my Mum. She wasn’t, she was quite capable. This was an unusual thing to say and I told her she wasn’t and had to turn away as my eyes filled up.
She died the following week. I’ve always been convinced that she willed it upon herself.

My late husband waited until he could see the kids as that was his wish. So they did, came in and said thier goodbyes and then 2 hours later he passed away.
He had always said he would never live past 50

My DGF had been in hospital for weeks & was finally well enough to come home. My DGM was in a wheelchair (very frail) & as my mother & uncle were bringing them to the car to come home, she turned round & said “I think I might die tomorrow”. They had one last night in the same bed, she woke up, told him she loved him & that was it.

We’re pretty sure she’d been holding on until my DGF came safely home from hospital.

Several family members have seemed to know but my dad didn’t. Seeing his face when the doctor raised the possibility of stopping his oxygen haunts me. There was nothing peaceful or gentle about his passing and the only comfort I can find is that he loved us so dearly he couldn’t bear to go.

@LobsterNapkin

Someone I know who studied forensics did her research in this kind of thing, and the things that sick people do in the last months and weeks before they die. Apparently it is quite predictable, even if they don't know when in fact their death will be.

Do you think the same is true of people who die in accidents? I think a friend of mine spent time going round ‘putting everything right’ in the weeks before they sadly died even though they didn’t know they were going to die if that makes sense. X

A close friend of mine years ago clearly knew. She'd had cancer for several years. I'd gone to see her in hospital and when I said I'd be back in a couple of days, she told me she'd 'be gone by Wednesday once I've said my goodbyes'. She did exactly that

My elderly mum was ill with cancer . We were going away for 10 days - holiday booked before we knew.

About 3 weeks before we were due to go she started saying that 10 days was a long time to be away. I was all upbeat about it'll fly by etc etc. But she said she didn't want to be 'here', declined very quickly and died about a week later. I firmly believe she'd decided to go whilst I was still here (and if so I'm grateful she did)

@LobsterNapkin So interesting. What sort of things?

@Mayhemmumma

Heartbreaking and yet heart warming too. Love is such an amazing thing!!

“What is grief, if not love persevering?”

The emotion is palpable here. It’s a heartbreaking thread but also strangely affirming. My thoughts are with all of you who’ve lost loved ones and shared the end with them with such love.