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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenagers

61 replies

Poptart4 · 04/11/2021 18:07

My 2 eldest children (13 & 15) spend all of their time either with friends or in their rooms alone. They each have their own rooms. This has been going on for over a year now and I know its a normal part of growing up. I just feel like they are becoming more and more disconnected from the rest of the family.
Plus I don't think it's good for your mental health to spend so much time on your own. Seriously they are always in their rooms.

AIBU to insist they spend 1 evening a week with the family? They can pick the night and what we do or not do,, I'd be happy just sitting in front of the tv with them.

OP posts:
HazelandChacha · 04/11/2021 18:16

We used to do movie night. One night where we all watched a film together and had sweets or popcorn. Stopped when they became late teens & were out with friends more.

Vigg1984 · 04/11/2021 18:23

I think that's a lovely idea.

Set a night every week and then you can watch a film or play a game. Life is too short and people always take family for granted and assume they will always be there!

AdditionalCharacter · 04/11/2021 18:26

I find with teenagers, they can be lured out their pits by the promise of food.

Merryoldgoat · 04/11/2021 18:28

I think rather than force them I’d talk to them to find something they’d like to do with you. Movie night, board games, crafts etc.

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 18:29

Do you all eat together on a night?

FindingMeno · 04/11/2021 18:31

Play cards and make nachos, or have a fire if you have a fireplace.

FindingMeno · 04/11/2021 18:32

Firepit not fireplace.
But, also fireplace...

FangsForTheMemory · 04/11/2021 18:32

You can only get people spend to time with you by being someone they want to spend time with. Maybe cook a big dinner of their favourite food, then have a film? Or order in a pizza?

FindingMeno · 04/11/2021 18:32

Or get old photos out or memory boxes

Threewheeler1 · 04/11/2021 18:33

@HazelandChacha

We used to do movie night. One night where we all watched a film together and had sweets or popcorn. Stopped when they became late teens & were out with friends more.
We do this too. Saturday night. They're 14 and 16 (both boys) so sometimes the oldest isn't here for it but we'll move it to Sunday if that's the case. Can't believe I'm still getting away with it to be honest Grin, pretty sure they'll bin me off soon! Could you try that OP? We have veggie burgers & crisps & the menu never changes but it gets them downstairs with us!
Original poster
Poptart4 · 04/11/2021 18:33

@Merryoldgoat I've tried talking to them and all I get is eye rolls and sighs.

It's sad because we used to be such a tight nit family and movie nights were a regular thing. Now they'd rather be on there phones 24/7 than spend anytime with the rest of us.

Like I said I know this is a normal part of growing up but they have to remember that they are part of the family too. 1 night a week sitting in the same room as your parents and siblings is not a lot to ask. We'll I don't think so anyway.

Im going to have to put my foot down to get this to happen but I'm hoping after the initial sulking they will learn to enjoy it like they used to.

OP posts:
17CherryTreeLane · 04/11/2021 18:35

Is there a programme you'd all enjoy? I have two teen boys and they will sit and watch gogglebox, league of their own, and Gordon, Gino & Fred with us.

Original poster
Poptart4 · 04/11/2021 18:35

@AdditionalCharacter

I find with teenagers, they can be lured out their pits by the promise of food.
When I told DS we were having a family night this week the first thing he said was "Can we order food?" 😆😆 I think your on to something here 😊
OP posts:
SueSaid · 04/11/2021 18:36

@AdditionalCharacter

I find with teenagers, they can be lured out their pits by the promise of food.
This! Get a domino's or go to nandos. Insisting they spend a night with the family will have them running for the hills, just do it subtly with trails of treats etc.

It's a phase, they become more sociable from 16 on over ime.

Just get takeaways or take them to the cinema in the meantime.

jackstini · 04/11/2021 18:40

For us finding a series we could watch together was good. We've done Superstore, Brooklyn 99, Taskmaster, Friends...

Also the PS games that you can play together using your phones - Knowledge is Power, Frantics etc.

Some foods - making fajitas, sharing a takeaway

Meeting up with friends with similar age kids and getting a takeaway, then they go off and game whilst we chat but it's better than just being in room!

Activities - football, gym, kickboxing..?

Mine are 15 and almost 13 - I feel your pain!

Anonymous48 · 04/11/2021 18:41

When my kids were that age, they weren't allowed to use their phones (unless they were making an actual call) or laptops in their rooms and they never had TVs in their rooms. I think this removed the desire to spend all their time in their rooms. If they wanted or needed some alone time they were welcome to retreat to their room, but they never wanted to spend excessive amounts of time there. We would often watch movies or tv shows together as a family, and sometimes even play board games. Other times they'd be doing their own thing - playing on their phones or reading - but in a common area. I do think it's easy for kids to become isolated, and it's important for them to understand that they are part of a family and that means spending time together. I think it's good for them to have that connection.

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 18:42

Film and take away always works here in a Saturday. .. And teens take turns choosing a favourite meal and get all the other siblings round. Every Tuesday night!

SueSaid · 04/11/2021 18:43

'When my kids were that age, they weren't allowed to use their phones (unless they were making an actual call) or laptops in their rooms and they never had TVs in their rooms. I think this removed the desire to spend all their time in their rooms.'

Well yes, being unable to chat to groups of friends and watch stuff they like would do that. Well done you.

I8toys · 04/11/2021 18:44

In lockdown we did Game Sunday - snacks and new board games to play. Also got a raclette so would all cook some food together.

ponkydonkey · 04/11/2021 18:45

We used to do delivery night
Order what you like and watch a movie

They don't last long... but by the time they go to their rooms you might be a little bit relieved 😅

They come out of it eventually... just think of them like little caterpillars who are going into chrysalis mode

Original poster
Poptart4 · 04/11/2021 18:48

50% of voters think IABU but no one has commented on why they think IABU. Can someone please elaborate on why you think IABU?

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 04/11/2021 18:50

@JaniieJones

'When my kids were that age, they weren't allowed to use their phones (unless they were making an actual call) or laptops in their rooms and they never had TVs in their rooms. I think this removed the desire to spend all their time in their rooms.'

Well yes, being unable to chat to groups of friends and watch stuff they like would do that. Well done you.

What are you talking about? They were never stopped from chatting with groups of friends. And we always watched things that we would all like to watch if we were watching together.
Threewheeler1 · 04/11/2021 18:58

@ponkydonkey

We used to do delivery night Order what you like and watch a movie

They don't last long... but by the time they go to their rooms you might be a little bit relieved 😅

They come out of it eventually... just think of them like little caterpillars who are going into chrysalis mode

Love this post! GrinGrin
Scarlettpixie · 04/11/2021 19:04

My 15 yo will come and watch something for an hour most nights while we eat and then until whatever it is is done.

Finding a series works well, stranger things, umbrella academy, good omans, dr who (takes weeks), taskmaster, would I lie to you etc.

We sometimes do a film on a weekend. Mine is chatty and sociable but we home ed so he is here all the time. He still chats to friends online when they finish school most days and spends a lot of time in his room playing xbox and watching youtube. I think that is pretty normal.

Offering a takeaway is a good idea to get them on board with family stuff.

Flatmeringues · 04/11/2021 19:16

I agree food is the best incentive.

I found myself in similar situation 3 teen boys one at 6th form and out all the time, one about 15 and out with sport or busy on you tube/homework and 13 yr old on phone too much. But at least did a lot of crafty type things in the kitchen. I got quite obsesssed with the idea that they only ever passed each other on the stairs in their way in or out and were becoming strangers to each other.

I came up with a solution that is a bit spendy but got them together and helped middle child organise self better with school work.
I decided we’d go out for dinner every Sunday evening, all homework had to be done by 6pm (we’d had a few stressful weeks/months of homework still being done at 11.30 on a Sunday night.). I’d pick restaurants that we could walk to, if it was a 40 min walk even better, we’d eat, walk home and then all anyone had to do was pack their bags and the rest of the evening was theirs. Quite often it evolved into watching tv together. Getting them out of the house was the easiest way to keep them together. We normally tried to pick reasonable priced restaurants but it was still quite expensive but really enjoyable, the boys loved eating out and were very chatty etc
I loved Sunday nights, got to spend time with whole family and when we came back home there were no chores to do, it was very relaxing.
Then lockdown put paid to that and now oldest is at uni. This thread has just reminded me how much I loved Sunday nights! I might reinstate it.