Teenagers

[Poptart4]

My 2 eldest children (13 & 15) spend all of their time either with friends or in their rooms alone. They each have their own rooms. This has been going on for over a year now and I know its a normal part of growing up. I just feel like they are becoming more and more disconnected from the rest of the family.
Plus I don't think it's good for your mental health to spend so much time on your own. Seriously they are always in their rooms.

AIBU to insist they spend 1 evening a week with the family? They can pick the night and what we do or not do,, I'd be happy just sitting in front of the tv with them.

Mine are both like this a lot of the time. We always sit down to dinner together though which is when we chat. Unless my eldest is at work.

I only voted IABU because of the forcing aspect. If this had happened to me at that age I would have sat there like a wet weekend Instead involve them, ask what they would like to do or go out for a meal or similar. Food is the key.

Since you say it’s a normal part of growing up - did you feel the same way when you were a teenager? Can you remember why you didn’t want to spend time with your parents?
Personally I didn’t want to spend time with mine because all I knew was they made me feel bad about myself and caused me a lot of internal stress, that I was then unable to express without me becoming the problem instead. So keeping my head down was a survival technique.
It took me around 20 years to realise that despite our middle-class comfortable lives, they were abusive in their own way and I was having to parent myself in the only ways I knew how.
Not all my friends and family were like me and I honestly wish I had felt more able to connect with them. I’m not saying you’re abusive but that desire to nurture and understand needs to come from you too.

You need a programme you all like. For us Modern Family Brooklyn 99 Bake off and RHOB. Yes it’s terrible but my teens watch it with me so I’ll take that.

It's normal teenage behaviour.

I've tried movie night and pizza takeaway, by the time they argue about what they want to watch, it's too late to do anything.

The fact that your teenagers don't want to hang out with you is kinda a good thing! Means you're doing your job right!!

Other people's clingy teenagers make my eyes water. But it's whatever works for your family.

The other week I organised an evening out bowling. I was very excited about it! Anyway when the night came they both dumped me for something better! On one hand I was very very disappointed but on the other I'm glad they've got great social lives!

Have a look on the teenager threads! You maybe won't feel so alone!

I voted IABU because I would have hated this when I was a teenager.

We used to sit down to eat dinner together every night but apart from that I didn't really just hang out with my parents and if I did it was because we wanted to watch the same thing on telly!

I think what highlights this more is the advancement of technology. Growing up in the 80's and 90's we had one TV in the house. We'd eat Saturday dinner together in front of it watching whatever was on (usually Casualty). I didn't hate it but it wouldn't have been my choice of a Saturday evening had I access to my own TV with hundreds of channels rather than four or even a magical handheld device that let me talk to all my friends.

Agree with PP that finding a common show to watch with food is probably as easy as it's going to get. Me and DS14 always try to have a series on the go and watch it one evening a week schedule depending. Either that or a film I enjoyed from my teenage years that we might watch over 3 nights (Tremors was the last one). Also as they're only short episodes, we occasionally watch an episode of Only Connect as he loves the missing vowels round and doesn't do too badly on the other rounds although we both hate the wall round.

It's probably not a popular one but we stopped eating at the table and started eating in the living room. This gave a chance to start watching a tv programme together, and then he will often stay downstairs to watch it. When we are at the dining table, as soon as dinner was finished he would rush back upstairs!

Addictive TV series and food seems to be key activities for bonding with teen boys!

If it's any consolation, I feel like my whole childhood was spent forever cooped up in my bedroom because I hated my stepdad so much! I moved out at 17 but remained very close to my mum and still am. Very.

It’s normal for them to want to do this and normal for you to want some more time together. We do-

• meals together every night, plus they help with clearing etc which is good chatting time

• film nights

• poker nights (or other games)

• find some tv you all enjoy and agree to watching together with no one jumping ahead. We’ve recently enjoyed Ghosts, Stath lets flats, the Windsors, House, Buzzcocks.

Although they don’t necessarily want to spend time with you, I think it’s important that they do spend some time with you (in a way that feels natural) so that they can talk to you when they need to- they are much more likely to tell you important stuff if there’s plenty of opportunity to do so. Just as when they were small, spending time together often meant doing things they like (eg finger painting and playing schools or whatever), so you may have to do things aimed at them now. Don’t sit around watching Newsnight * and then feel surprised they’re not mad keen to join you.

• or whatever you like and they don’t.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Since you say it’s a normal part of growing up - did you feel the same way when you were a teenager? Can you remember why you didn’t want to spend time with your parents? Personally I didn’t want to spend time with mine because all I knew was they made me feel bad about myself and caused me a lot of internal stress, that I was then unable to express without me becoming the problem instead. So keeping my head down was a survival technique. It took me around 20 years to realise that despite our middle-class comfortable lives, they were abusive in their own way and I was having to parent myself in the only ways I knew how. Not all my friends and family were like me and I honestly wish I had felt more able to connect with them. I’m not saying you’re abusive but that desire to nurture and understand needs to come from you too.

I realised decades later that the reason I hid up in my room most evenings was that my parents always had the TV on and I found the TV annoying and stressful. Basically all evening strangers were telling me about horrific murders, arguing, and trying to sell me stuff in my own living room.

Now I so wish I'd realised that was the problem. I could have just explained and asked my parents for a TV-free evening once a week so we could spend time together. They loved telly but they certainly would have agreed to that.

But I suppose if my parents had taken the initiative of starting a regular family evening and inviting me and my sister to choose what we wanted to do, I might have realised eventually that the TV was the problem. I think every time I would have said, "Can we turn the TV off and..."

For the record, in our family it was one of the teens who said they felt like we didn't spend enough time together, and requested a family night.

So it isn't always the case that parents are trying to keep a connection which young people are wanting to break.

OP I could have written your post about my 14 year twins. It's heartbreaking. We have a family film night - they have to be bribed by snacks. And we recently we watched Squid Game as a family ........ Not exactly 'Its a wonderful life'

Good luck

I wouldn't force them.... but heavily incentivse with food, treats and anything else you can find.

@Poptart4

50% of voters think IABU but no one has commented on why they think IABU. Can someone please elaborate on why you think IABU?

I think YABU. Do you not remember being a teenager? I do, spending time with my family was the last thing I wanted to do. Not because I hate them just that all you care about at that age is your mates. I have 4 teens now between 18- 15 and the older ones are just starting to reappear as humans who want to do stuff with me. You cant force them to want to be your mate.

There is a book - hold on to your kids - which has some interesting suggestions.

One of my teens told me off for moping on holiday 😁

'tis teenagers ...

Yabu I'm afraid to insist on a rule - it's negotiation skills you need with teenagers

Many teenagers like their own space and find it irritating to be forced to do "family time"

Try to have dinner together at table each night- enrage them with choosing meal- that'll be your family time

Encourage film night or game night and say you'll make popcorn 🍿 (or cake) ... and next time will be takeaway..

Encourage them to have a couple friends round an evening every so often and have the lounge to themselves (rather than hold up in bedroom) to chill in- that'll help them relax more in rest of house and you'll see them in passing! And can say quick hi to their friends.

Suggest they cook/bake if they are interested in that (or learn to cook ready for uni as they're getting older..) and they may ask for your help if you offer kitchen to them and don't get bossy about it..:

The more they feel like house is their space too and trust you'll respect their "need for space" the more likely you'll see teenagemoles pop their heads out of their rooms!

Ultimately anytime you force teenagers to do something they don't want, they dig in. So you have to be clever about it

It's not new that teenagers like their own space, it's that they don't hang around outside so much anymore, there's no longer one TV in front room in most houses and they have smart phones (and some have laptops) with WiFi they can watch what they want.

Whoops didn't finish my sentence

Yabu I'm afraid to insist on a rule that they have to spend time with you - it's negotiation skills you need with teenagers

• engage not 'enrage' them with choosing meal

Oh dear my autocorrect... Freudian slip!

My 13 year old DD and I do face masks and those foot masks (£1 in home bargains where you have to sit for 15 mins with bags on feet of cream) (Im not really into it but she loves it!)

I pick some up when. shopping and casually suggest she & I have a pamper time...

17 year old DD does her own as not interested in joining us and sometimes I find the two of them up in one bedroom doing this together and giggling!

So maybe try to find something one DC is interested in but let them lead it to decide when how long for and if . If you make it seem like they'll be in charge "you're so good at it/ know what best stuff to buy is- you help me choose what to buy..."

I'm invited into a bedroom sanctum sometimes to set up old Wii to play Mario brothers when their friends are busy and they're bored ... I take my "family time" as and when I can get it !!

IABU to force it. They'll hate it and only have bad memories.
But food is always a good idea. Have a ritual, like a BBQ or a take-away night, followed by a film of YOUR choosing.

Since you say it’s a normal part of growing up - did you feel the same way when you were a teenager? Can you remember why you didn’t want to spend time with your parents?

I used to spend a lot of 1on1 time with my mum or dad. As a family - it would be a chore disliked by every member of the household, because parents' marriage was on the rocks, and me and my DSis preferred company of our friends. Xmas would be awful. They'd have a blazing row, sulk at dinner table, and if we had guests - they'd sit in awkward silence and not come ever again.

I don't know why so many people are suggesting food - don't you eat together anyway?

I think YABU - not because I think spending family time together is bad but because you are "insisting". The way to kill any enjoyment is to insist. I find the best times spent with my teen are either spontaneous, or when DH and I have said "we're going to do x, does anyone want to join in?" - and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

@Poptart4

50% of voters think IABU but no one has commented on why they think IABU. Can someone please elaborate on why you think IABU?

I haven't voted but I wouldn't want to be forced into watching things I don't want to watch. Do they like films? Do they like board games? Both my idea of hell, to be honest. If they want to stay in their bedrooms and message friends, let them. They are being sociable, just not with you.

What about going out for a meal once a week or whatever frequency you can afford?

I don't know why so many people are suggesting food - don't you eat together anyway?

Not all the time because of work and other comittments. Also a take-away would be a treat rather than regular dinner.