Teenagers

[Poptart4]

My 2 eldest children (13 & 15) spend all of their time either with friends or in their rooms alone. They each have their own rooms. This has been going on for over a year now and I know its a normal part of growing up. I just feel like they are becoming more and more disconnected from the rest of the family.
Plus I don't think it's good for your mental health to spend so much time on your own. Seriously they are always in their rooms.

AIBU to insist they spend 1 evening a week with the family? They can pick the night and what we do or not do,, I'd be happy just sitting in front of the tv with them.

Since you say it’s a normal part of growing up - did you feel the same way when you were a teenager? Can you remember why you didn’t want to spend time with your parents

I used to stay in my bedroom and read. And at the time, teens used to find their parents excruciatingly embarrassing, but I do get the impression that that has changed somewhat.

Ours had no screens in their rooms so in living room .No TV ever in bedrooms. I ended up watching Man Utd matches etc but at least we were all together and l found l got interested and then we would all chat about players. Also they watched comedy stuff. I let them choose. At weekends we would bring dinner in to living room and they would usually get cosy there with the fire . Own bedrooms never too warm!!! Even now when at college, early working days they always come into living room with us when they come at weekends.. They never got into a habit of being in their own rooms.

IME this gets less at about 16/17 so hang in there OP. Food is def a good bribe to get them out - love the PP Sunday night restaurant trips.

When mine were that age the wifi in their room wasn't great so that was another reason to come down to the living room. DH wanted to get a booster but I wasn't keen .

I think insisting they spend a fixed night 'as a family' might rub them up the wrong way. What we did with DSS is say he had to come downstairs for mealtimes, and his computer had to go off at 10, and if he didn't want to go to bed he could come down and watch TV with us for a bit. He always chose the latter.

@ColinTheKoala

Since you say it’s a normal part of growing up - did you feel the same way when you were a teenager? Can you remember why you didn’t want to spend time with your parents

I used to stay in my bedroom and read. And at the time, teens used to find their parents excruciatingly embarrassing, but I do get the impression that that has changed somewhat.

I just remember my parents watching things that I found incredibly boring on TV, so it was preferable for me to be in my room chatting to friends on MSN or playing on my PS2. It wasn't that I didn't get on with my parents, more that they wanted to do different things, and watch different things, than me.. and that's fine! You can still be a family without having to have someone sitting there bored shitless.

We have a very nearly 16 year old who has a great bunch of friends & we're always delighted to facilitate meet ups either at home or now far more frequently in town.

We have a tv in our bedroom that's connected to the sky box & over the past few months she's stated asking me if I want to watch a movie with her so after dinner / homework/ tidy up downstairs we'll lie on the bed & watch stuff.

We've watched hundreds of hours of stuff at this stage - movies/box sets mainly. And then we'll chat about them & rate them.

Once we've watched something she'll head off for her shower & back to her room to chat to friends & go to bed.

It started off as a weekend thing but she initiates it most evenings these days! I don't get to watch anything much on my own or read as much as I normally would but I love spending time with her & it's a small price as this phase will be short-lived in the grand scheme of things & before we know it she'll be off doing her own thing.

Sometimes dh joins us for a movie if its one he's interested in. He spends a lot of time with her in the car & where she subjects him to her music!

We also cook together sometimes. She loves looking up Asian/ Mexican / Chinese / ramen recipes on line & then it becomes A Project- a LONG list of ingredients which generally include at least 1 obscure thing. Every pot & pan in the house used to make a 3 hour recipe that's been condensed into a 5 minute video (this catches her by surprise every time!) BUT the results are usually delicious & she is always incredibly proud of what we make & we sit around the table & chat about it & compare it to the previous things we made etc.

I view it as her learning cooking skills.

We also like to eat out & we love a city break when we can.

We're in a sweet spot at the moment as she seems to be re-emerging from the uncommunicative, inward looking early teen years & is enjoying spending some time with us whilst developing her own active social life.

We're glad to take what we can get!!

My eldest pretty much vanished for a good couple of years. Now spends a lot more time downstairs with me and her sister. Expecting the younger one to vanish before long. We only have one TV in the house though so that does help.

Honestly, I think within a week or two of having everyone together for the evening, you'll decide it's not worth it. I know my teenagers would do nothing but moan that they had to be downstairs and it'd be fairly awful.

Can you join in with something they enjoy? I join my older kids (15, 14, 13 and 11) on roblox for an hour or so in the evening, they are still on their phones, but we play a game together, and chat while we are playing. We also watch a film on Saturday nights as a whole family, and on Friday nights I do a film one to one with one of the older 4 (they take turns). All involves screen time as that's what they like, but we are spending time together and engaging in conversation so I'm happy with that.

Thanks for all replies, just want to clear up a couple of things...

I AM NOT trying to be their mate, I'm their mother and thats not changing.

It's not just me I want them to spend time with, they have siblings and a father they never see either.

While I will insist on the family night, what we do will entirely be up to them (within reason). I want them to enjoy the time.

There has been a good few suggestions on this thread so will suggest some of them. And thanks to the PP who suggested going over to the teen threads, I didn't realise there was one on MN.

The other thing I do is let them watch what the want on TV, play on the PlayStation, have friends round of a day/evening in the front room.
Mine spend quite a lot of time out of their rooms and I'd rather not bother following things on TV myself to spend time with them and watching them interact with each other.