AIBU To keep back half of my son's PIP payment?

[Whiskyinajar]

DS is 18 and autistic, he attends a college for people with learning disabilities and needs a lot of support both there and at home with anxiety, interpreting life and his emotions etc.

At 16 we had to apply for PIP which he was awarded but with me as the responsible person for using it in his best interests,

Now PIP has been really helpful for him, when he has need of counselling etc we can pay for it privately to help him. We put it towards seam free socks etc and the rest of it bar £150 goes in the pot towards household bills.

I'm interpreting the "in his best interests" part as keeping me at home so that if he has a crisis (not infrequently) I can get to him and help. The issues he has mean it isn't easy for me to take on work alth9ugh we have tried.

Initially I transferred a very small amount a month to him as pocket money etc . When he hit 18 he wanted to get a mobile phone which is okay as hisnold one was falling apart and very old. He didn't go for anything fancy and pays £15 a month .

Then he started asking about having more of his PIP money and I agreed to give him £150 a month but told him he needed to budget for his phone out of that. A phone is pretty necessary for him so I thought it would be an easy thing to budget for.

However he's not managing this and every month I end up putting the money over for his phone the day before it comes out. Because he's autistic I don't want him having phone issues so the bill has to be paid.

Financially it's a struggle every single month because we rely on a mix of UC and also what my husband earns form his job. This was severely affected in lockdown but is gradually recovering,

So to the current issue. DS is (I know) feeling resentful that I don't hand over all the PIP payment to him . We've spoken openly about it but he still wants more than the £150 I give him.

DS has no real interests apart from gaming as he finds socialising very difficult. A SW has said to me that it's okay for him to spend the PIP on gaming as that's how he socialises and I get this but it doesn't feel right

He's just been to me and asked again if he can have all his PIP.
It went into my account two days ago and I gave him the usual £150.

He asked about the rest and I pointed out I'd had to put petrol in the car, pay towards a trip for college and buy him some new clothes he needed. I have £45 left until Carers Allowance goes in (about 10 days time).

In the meantime that £45 will be petrol costs and anything he needs for college, husband will deal with food bills.

DS is so resentful though .

I've got the offer of a job at £10 hr from January...it's just 10 hrs a week but will make us better off and I can work from home . This means he could have all his PIP money then but I also know he won't manage it.

Don't know what to do tbh.

SW suggested I transfer all the PIP to him and let him cope with the mistakes he makes. I know absolutely he will blow it all within a few days on gaming and I'm not comfortable about that...even if it is his way of socialising.

Should I continue digging my heels in . I have already said that PIP is not really to be used for gaming.

stingofthebutterfly

Be aware that while PIP is non means tested any savings your DD has over £6,000 will affect her UC it does not matter where the savings came from.

The PIP is his money; give it to him. You have absolutely no entitlement to it.

@Whiskyinajar

Thank you all, I knew I could rely on MN for advice. Some r ally good points here which I need to sit down and think about.

He's still in college so he doesn't get UC or ESA. I've no idea how all that works and am hoping to find out a bit more in the next few months,

He still has an EHCP and the plan is he will go on to a college course which will push him towards independence.

He's not ready for the world of work yet or independent living part of his anxieties is that this scares him.

I can remember giving my Mum a percentage of my wages when. I lived at home at his age.

I really like the idea of me keeping back his phone money etc and then transferring it at the right time.

All in all its a minefield. It is his money and he can make decisions about taking out a mobile phone contract etc so I can see that he has capacity to say yes or no to stuff,

He did tell me today that a couple of his friends at college get all their PIP but their parents say what it can and can't be spent on. I think he'd be amenable to this discussion .

I'll also look at some budgeting stuff to help him .

Argh....so complicated.

As he has a disability then he should be eligible for UC even if studying as long as he can establish he has a Limited Capability for Work. He won't be eligible for ESA as he would need to have worked and paid NI. However he is likely to need to apply for ESA to establish LCW, once that's been confirmed, he can apply for UC. The process is complicated so you may wish to contact an advice agency like Citizens Advice for help getting the claims established.

You will be his appointee for his UC claim too and the money will be paid to you.

The benefits of having an appointee is two fold: 1. To ensure that someone else is doing all the claims and liaison with the benefits agencies rather than the claimant who may not be able to manage this 2. So you can help him manage his money.

So it sounds as if you are doing exactly what you are supposed to. Some of his living costs will need to be covered from his income, whatever that is, and the fact he doesn't understand that confirms to me that you should be managing that aspect on his behalf.

I have assumed above that you are no longer receiving child benefit for him and he's no longer included on your UC claim. If you are and he is, then I'd get benefits advice before starting a claim for him for UC to find out which you'd be better off doing.

I have assumed above that you are no longer receiving child benefit for him and he's no longer included on your UC claim

OP states he is in college so I suspect she is still receiving child benefit and the child element of UC plus the disability premium.

Stingofthebutterfly has it. The law is a minefield when it comes to issues like this. One minute they are a child, and the next an adult, with a whole different raft of laws and approaches (and fewer services). I look after my brothers finances because he simply can't, and the evidence of that is the massive bills he ran up over several years that nearly led to him losing his home.

I think developing a plan and working on it bit by bit to give** your son greater independence is the best thing you could do OP. If you can say that you have his best interest at the forefront of what you are doing then nobody can argue with that.

"The PIP is his money; give it to him. You have absolutely no entitlement to it."

The OP stated that she is the person holding responsibility for it. If he was able to control his own money, she would not have been given this responsibility.

If you don't have it already seek appointeship as has been suggested. I have that for benefits and LPA's with my other brother.

If your child was working he would be paying rent- I don’t think asking for some PIP money for rent is unreasonable at all. The carers is to compensate for the fact you can’t work and at £67 per week is absolutely pitiful.

Could you charge him rent, board etc, and then give him the remainder? He would have to pay for those things if he was not with you but probably does not really realize that.

Grape he is 18 and in college. Would you expect any other 18 yo in full time education to pay rent with no job?

PIP is to support his disability. The OP I suspect still recieves child benefit and the child element of UC plus disability premium for him towards his basic living costs. Why should she take his PIP as well?

Op, I understand the situation but I have to say I’m pretty shocked at you taking his PIP.

@stingofthebutterfly

My daughter gets UC and PIP. She's 17 and autistic. She currently cannot budget. There is no way in hell that I, as her appointee, would be behaving in a responsible manner if I were to give her the lot. It amounts to over £1k a month. It might be her money, but it's me paying the electricity, buying the food and paying the mortgage to keep a roof over her head. If I gave it to her in its entirety, I'd be greeted by a room overflowing with teddies as that's all she'd spend it on.

She gets a small amount, as and when she needs it. I don't deny her anything she asks for, but because it's not accessible to her, she doesn't think about spending it regularly.

When she's 18 I'll set a small budget for her whilst continuing to retain the rest so I can ensure she's able to live comfortably. If she manages that, then I'll gradually pass responsibility on to her.

I think you know your son best. Do what you need to do for him.

Why does it cost an extra one grand a month to house and feed her over and above what you’d need to pay to house and feed yourself? That seems a lot?

@Bonsaibreaker

Grape he is 18 and in college. Would you expect any other 18 yo in full time education to pay rent with no job?

PIP is to support his disability. The OP I suspect still recieves child benefit and the child element of UC plus disability premium for him towards his basic living costs. Why should she take his PIP as well?

I think that’s the question what’s going wrong that they can’t survive on the husbands wage and their benefits and need his pip to make ends meet.

Set him up a bank account with direct debit paying his phone straight away so that’s always paid and a saving feature for tips and clothes

It amounts to over £1k a month. It might be her money, but it's me paying the electricity, buying the food and paying the mortgage to keep a roof over her head.

My autistic sons dla goes towards his needs (hospital trips, continence stuff, sensory stuff etc) and some goes into trust for him. I don’t think disability benefit should be used for the carers mortgage etc you’d still be paying the same mortgage if she wasn’t there. I can see why you would talk to her and have some towards electricity and food etc but personally I see that as my responsibility as a parent.

You are massively being unreasonable, it’s his money!

Apologies posted too soon, I understand you can take board etc... for him however keeping 85% of his income is incredibly unfair.

Yes your the responsible adult however it’s unfair of you to not give your son his own income.

@Clementineapples

It amounts to over £1k a month. It might be her money, but it's me paying the electricity, buying the food and paying the mortgage to keep a roof over her head.

My autistic sons dla goes towards his needs (hospital trips, continence stuff, sensory stuff etc) and some goes into trust for him. I don’t think disability benefit should be used for the carers mortgage etc you’d still be paying the same mortgage if she wasn’t there. I can see why you would talk to her and have some towards electricity and food etc but personally I see that as my responsibility as a parent.

Yes I don’t understand this either, unless the child has their own home and the poster pays the child’s mortgage. Past that it reads like the child is paying to house the parent.

I understand OP, spending the whole PIP on gaming is not what it's really meant for, budgeting is not easy, and I agree socks, clothes trips yes, petrol, well is the car only used to take him to college. Would he understand a charge per trip. I wish I had more idea of hidden costs when I was growing up. I still can't manage now.

You can’t hold back his PIP for your own needs, that is totally wrong.
Your child benefit is your board until he is on UC.
It’s not your son’s fault you can’t afford bills.
Why did you get him a contract phone if you were aware he wouldn’t manage paying it?

"I can see why you would talk to her and have some towards electricity and food etc but personally I see that as my responsibility as a parent."

Her daughter is on UC so the parent would not get child tax credits or child benefit.

I understand that you are the named person responsible for receiving the PIP and administering it but has your son ever had a formal capacity assessment? Capacity isn't a binary thing, its not "he gets all the money" or "he gets none of the money" but it can support the decisions made by the responsible person by formally but broadly identifying what is a proper level of independence...so it would be a safeguard for you OP....do you keep records of where the money actually goes? Again this can protect you if there ever are problems. If your son was NT, it would be easy enough to say eg oh you spent all your money? ok you will have to go around in ripped jeans or live on pot noodle for the rest of the month. The parent of a child with ND disabilities can't do that.
I do think you need to formally sort out what you should and shouldn't be doing to keep YOU safe although I am assuming that if your son needed a responsible person when his PIP was agreed, there was then acknowledgement that he needed help to manage his money.
I'd take the job. It will be a step forward in independence for your son. He will have to learn coping strategies for when you can't be there and you have time to get this in place before you start work.

@MoodyMooTutu

You can’t hold back his PIP for your own needs, that is totally wrong. Your child benefit is your board until he is on UC. It’s not your son’s fault you can’t afford bills. Why did you get him a contract phone if you were aware he wouldn’t manage paying it?

No one is to blame. However unlike parents whose children have no disability, op cannot get a job.

To everyone that's asked, it doesn't cost us a further £1k on top of our household bills per month. That's what she's entitled to.

We put a small portion of her money towards our mortgage. Her disability means that she needs her own room/bathroom space and so we've had to ensure we've got a big enough house to accommodate her. I don't see it unreasonable that she pays a bit of 'rent'.

I don't get UC or child benefit for her. My only income is carer's allowance.

I spend most of her money on her, and she has a small savings account where the rest is put for when she needs/wants more expensive items.

It is a good idea helping him for the future.
You aren't holding it back you're managing it by saving for him.
The money is given for extra support.
I disagree with the poster using this payment to provide for the family finances it is borderline abusive.
The adult in charge receives carers it isn't much compared with working wages but that doesn't excuse financially squeezing the person receiving the benefit.