AIBU To keep back half of my son's PIP payment?

[Whiskyinajar]

DS is 18 and autistic, he attends a college for people with learning disabilities and needs a lot of support both there and at home with anxiety, interpreting life and his emotions etc.

At 16 we had to apply for PIP which he was awarded but with me as the responsible person for using it in his best interests,

Now PIP has been really helpful for him, when he has need of counselling etc we can pay for it privately to help him. We put it towards seam free socks etc and the rest of it bar £150 goes in the pot towards household bills.

I'm interpreting the "in his best interests" part as keeping me at home so that if he has a crisis (not infrequently) I can get to him and help. The issues he has mean it isn't easy for me to take on work alth9ugh we have tried.

Initially I transferred a very small amount a month to him as pocket money etc . When he hit 18 he wanted to get a mobile phone which is okay as hisnold one was falling apart and very old. He didn't go for anything fancy and pays £15 a month .

Then he started asking about having more of his PIP money and I agreed to give him £150 a month but told him he needed to budget for his phone out of that. A phone is pretty necessary for him so I thought it would be an easy thing to budget for.

However he's not managing this and every month I end up putting the money over for his phone the day before it comes out. Because he's autistic I don't want him having phone issues so the bill has to be paid.

Financially it's a struggle every single month because we rely on a mix of UC and also what my husband earns form his job. This was severely affected in lockdown but is gradually recovering,

So to the current issue. DS is (I know) feeling resentful that I don't hand over all the PIP payment to him . We've spoken openly about it but he still wants more than the £150 I give him.

DS has no real interests apart from gaming as he finds socialising very difficult. A SW has said to me that it's okay for him to spend the PIP on gaming as that's how he socialises and I get this but it doesn't feel right

He's just been to me and asked again if he can have all his PIP.
It went into my account two days ago and I gave him the usual £150.

He asked about the rest and I pointed out I'd had to put petrol in the car, pay towards a trip for college and buy him some new clothes he needed. I have £45 left until Carers Allowance goes in (about 10 days time).

In the meantime that £45 will be petrol costs and anything he needs for college, husband will deal with food bills.

DS is so resentful though .

I've got the offer of a job at £10 hr from January...it's just 10 hrs a week but will make us better off and I can work from home . This means he could have all his PIP money then but I also know he won't manage it.

Don't know what to do tbh.

SW suggested I transfer all the PIP to him and let him cope with the mistakes he makes. I know absolutely he will blow it all within a few days on gaming and I'm not comfortable about that...even if it is his way of socialising.

Should I continue digging my heels in . I have already said that PIP is not really to be used for gaming.

I've changed my mind about expecting DS to pay board. He's in full time education to he shouldn't have to pay out anything for his living expenses. They don't cost any more than they would if he was NT.

Except that according to the OP, if he was NT then she would have been comfortable to take employment earlier instead of driving him and prioritising being present which is arguably more important than enrichment activities others might use PP for.

@Zilla1

Except that according to the OP, if he was NT then she would have been comfortable to take employment earlier instead of driving him and prioritising being present which is arguably more important than enrichment activities others might use PP for.

But that's the risk you take when you have children. If the household earnings were low enough she'd get UC. She doesn't so they can survive off her husbands wage.

Some people will need specific properties and/or features that mean they can adequately care for their family member.

My son is disabled. I’ve given up my life for him. I know how hard it is.
Regardless I don’t take his money and say ‘well if you weren’t autistic I could have a job and a house and a life’ I’m his parent. Shit happens and you deal with it.

Transfer it weekly less an amount kept back for essential fuel/food costs and the phone cost.
Tell him what it needs to cover and monitor how he copes with the responsibility.

I know this wasn't the question you were asking but it is worth looking at UC for your son in addition to his PIP.

My daughter is now 18 and she is in receipt of full PIP and receives Universal Credit with a top up for being assessed as having Limited Capability for Work and Work Related Activity. She only gets the basic UC award (no housing costs support as she lives at home) plus the top-up. She was, up until 3 weeks ago, attending college full-time (had an EHCP) but has now left due to huge issues with the college. She received her UC from the age of about 17 and it was relatively easy. One of the doctors at our surgery provided her with a fit note to say she couldn't work and I used that to apply for UC. There is an assessment form to complete which is not dissimilar to applying for PIP, you just need to research online to understand what they are looking for. My daughter didn't even have a face to face assessment but this may have been due to Covid.

The only thing I'm not sure about is whether she could have applied when she was 18 like your son as the sites often refer to 16 and 17 year olds in this situation. Citizens Advice should be able to advise you on that. I am able to still be ny daughter's advocate but she does receive the money directly (she manages it quite well though) and it has taught her financial independence and responsibility. Our own financial situation didn't even get considered.