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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To keep back half of my son's PIP payment?

231 replies

Whiskyinajar · 04/11/2021 14:55

DS is 18 and autistic, he attends a college for people with learning disabilities and needs a lot of support both there and at home with anxiety, interpreting life and his emotions etc.

At 16 we had to apply for PIP which he was awarded but with me as the responsible person for using it in his best interests,

Now PIP has been really helpful for him, when he has need of counselling etc we can pay for it privately to help him. We put it towards seam free socks etc and the rest of it bar £150 goes in the pot towards household bills.

I'm interpreting the "in his best interests" part as keeping me at home so that if he has a crisis (not infrequently) I can get to him and help. The issues he has mean it isn't easy for me to take on work alth9ugh we have tried.

Initially I transferred a very small amount a month to him as pocket money etc . When he hit 18 he wanted to get a mobile phone which is okay as hisnold one was falling apart and very old. He didn't go for anything fancy and pays £15 a month .

Then he started asking about having more of his PIP money and I agreed to give him £150 a month but told him he needed to budget for his phone out of that. A phone is pretty necessary for him so I thought it would be an easy thing to budget for.

However he's not managing this and every month I end up putting the money over for his phone the day before it comes out. Because he's autistic I don't want him having phone issues so the bill has to be paid.

Financially it's a struggle every single month because we rely on a mix of UC and also what my husband earns form his job. This was severely affected in lockdown but is gradually recovering,

So to the current issue. DS is (I know) feeling resentful that I don't hand over all the PIP payment to him . We've spoken openly about it but he still wants more than the £150 I give him.

DS has no real interests apart from gaming as he finds socialising very difficult. A SW has said to me that it's okay for him to spend the PIP on gaming as that's how he socialises and I get this but it doesn't feel right

He's just been to me and asked again if he can have all his PIP.
It went into my account two days ago and I gave him the usual £150.

He asked about the rest and I pointed out I'd had to put petrol in the car, pay towards a trip for college and buy him some new clothes he needed. I have £45 left until Carers Allowance goes in (about 10 days time).

In the meantime that £45 will be petrol costs and anything he needs for college, husband will deal with food bills.

DS is so resentful though .

I've got the offer of a job at £10 hr from January...it's just 10 hrs a week but will make us better off and I can work from home . This means he could have all his PIP money then but I also know he won't manage it.

Don't know what to do tbh.

SW suggested I transfer all the PIP to him and let him cope with the mistakes he makes. I know absolutely he will blow it all within a few days on gaming and I'm not comfortable about that...even if it is his way of socialising.

Should I continue digging my heels in . I have already said that PIP is not really to be used for gaming.

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 04/11/2021 15:00

The PIP is his money, so if you need to manage it then thats fine but witholding sone or most of it isn't fine.

As he is in college do you also get tax credits / UC with a disability element, plus carers allowance? This should be the part that covers his living costs.

WindowsSmindows · 04/11/2021 15:02

I think you are correct in wanting to manage his money but I think your husband is correct that he has to learn.
I am surprised that it's even an option for you, I thought once he was 18 it would be given only to him.
I think you should take the job.

icelollycraving · 04/11/2021 15:03

I don’t really know how it works. Is the PIP considered his money or yours for caring for him?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/11/2021 15:04

He could contact the dwp and tell them to transfer it into his account
It is his money and if he has capacity you cannot take control of it, even if you feel it's in his best interests.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2021 15:04

I know absolutely he will blow it all within a few days on gaming

You could pay it to him weekly to avoid it all going at once.

RandomMess · 04/11/2021 15:08

The question is does he really have capacity?

I agree with weekly and I guess when he needs to pay the phone bill or get new clothes that comes out of the weekly amount before you give it to him?

Oti21 · 04/11/2021 15:08

That sounds tough but at 18 it’s ultimately his money unless you have power of attorney for his finances? Could you set out his phone, food, bills and petrol contributions to him up front and maybe take it out when his PIP comes in and the rest is his?

Could you also change the date for the phone direct debit to the day after his money comes in so it’s not sat in his account for a while?

If you don’t have power of attorney has the social worker assessed capacity around finances? Saying that an unwise decision e.g. choosing to spend on gaming doesn’t mean somebody lacks capacity.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/11/2021 15:09

If he struggles to budget monthly then you could transfer it weekly. Is he on standard or enhanced?

You cannot keep any of it and spend it on anything other than his needs. Even adding it to the family budget so you don't have to have a job and can be there for him is on dodgy ground.

My two both get pip - enhanced c&m for one, enhanced care and standard mobility for the other. When we were applying for direct payments to fund youngest therapies the SW were really really keen to point out their pip was not allowed to be taken from them to pay household bills etc. Not that we did, I was quite offended tbh but I expect they have to say that to everyone.

You could find yourself in trouble if he makes a formal complaint that you are spending his pip.

Marylou2 · 04/11/2021 15:09

Such a difficult situation for you. Could you possibly try giving him all the money for one month but making a list of all the expenses that will now be transferred along with it such a phone/ transport to college/lunches etc. I realise this will be very difficult but it might be a learning experience for him.

Cameleongirl · 04/11/2021 15:12

@SoupDragon’s advice to transfer it weekly might be a good compromise.

I think his SW has a point though to let him manage his money independently and cope with his mistakes, it will help him learn money management skills or if he finds that challenging, help him to realize that your assistance is vital.

Definitely take the job in January, you need some independence too. Flowers

Original poster
Whiskyinajar · 04/11/2021 15:13

Thanks all, yes the idea of giving him a weekly amount is a good idea.

He has just been back to me with a plan for managing it so we will see.

I'm definitely taking the job in January....it's just that it isn't available until then.

Yes I absolutely get that the money is his but I just worry that it's a lot for him to manage,

I get UC but not tax credits as UC replaced this.

I've agreed next month he can have it all and that's that,

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/11/2021 15:14

You're breaching the trust of the system by supposedly acting as his 'responsible adult' and withholding his money if he's capable of managing it himself, which he believes he is.

Get the money paid directly to him but tell him he needs to pay board money.

The carers money is for you.

girlmom21 · 04/11/2021 15:14

Sorry cross posted

Moonopoly · 04/11/2021 15:17

Could you charge him ‘board’ so he can see that his money is paying for his accommodation, food etc
You could then as PP have said pay the rest to him weekly and perhaps transfer the phone money on the day before it’s due etc
Does he have any budgeting lessons at college?

imonlyhooman · 04/11/2021 15:19

Can you apply for carers allowance if you've no job?

It's his money and I think you've got to let him have it to do what he wants with.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/11/2021 15:19

@girlmom21

You're breaching the trust of the system by supposedly acting as his 'responsible adult' and withholding his money if he's capable of managing it himself, which he believes he is.

Get the money paid directly to him but tell him he needs to pay board money.

The carers money is for you.

This really.

Either he has capacity to manage his own money or he doesn’t. Which is it?

(I say that as someone with a son with severe autism who is on the highest rates of disability allowance).

If he has capacity to manage then you need to suggest he contributes board / towards the running of the house and whatever is left is his to spend as he wishes, with the consequence of not having enough if he overspends on the wrong things.

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/11/2021 15:19

Any thoughts about him moving on to a supported living scheme?

Bagelsandbrie · 04/11/2021 15:20

@imonlyhooman

Can you apply for carers allowance if you've no job?

It's his money and I think you've got to let him have it to do what he wants with.

Yes you can have carers allowance with no job.
Polmuggle · 04/11/2021 15:22

@girlmom21

You're breaching the trust of the system by supposedly acting as his 'responsible adult' and withholding his money if he's capable of managing it himself, which he believes he is.

Get the money paid directly to him but tell him he needs to pay board money.

The carers money is for you.

Except he isn't capable of managing it.

If he doesn't pay his phone bill, why would he pay board?

OP I think you're doing right. Your essentially deducted necessary expenses from it (board) before you give it to him. He has all is expendable PIP money.

PerfectlyImperfectme · 04/11/2021 15:25

If he's learning to manage his money then when he gets his money next month you need to invoice him petrol & taxi money so he sees this isn't you keeping money but him paying his way. Work out this month how many lifts he's getting & calculate it that way. Maybe set up a separate bank account for him to put some into saving each month to help him pay for additional expenses he might have.
You'll help him learn though I'm sure they'll be hiccups along the way. As you are tight on funds you need to be firm to not bailing him out if he's just spending on gaming

JSL52 · 04/11/2021 15:25

I'd charge him 'rent' , if he spends all his money on gaming. Who is going to pay for his clothes and other needs ?

GlitterNails · 04/11/2021 15:25

It's a really difficult one. I think he needs a chance - but it's a lot of money for him to use too when it's going on gaming.

My thoughts would be to see how he gets on - but then to keep some aside in an account for him unspent for when he actually needs something.

For the other poster that asks PIP is for the disabled person only and to cover the additional costs of being disabled. It can be spent on anything - so there is nothing wrong with using it on gaming or 'fun' things. However I can also understand the OPs worries too.

Maxiedog123 · 04/11/2021 15:26

As PIP is his income , then he should be paying some of it as Board for food and utilities, then the remainder to spend as he wishes.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 04/11/2021 15:29

Does he have any other income?
For what its worth, I think you are doing the right thing, but I think the social workers etc would say it's his money to do with as he pleases.

girlmom21 · 04/11/2021 15:34

@Polmuggle he's not taking responsibility because he's being treated like a child. OP's job is to help him manage his money. She's willing to work with him.

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