Guilt over leaving highly paid profession- AIBU?

[singlelight]

Any and all advice and perspectives welcome.

Before I get flamed for this let me explain that I don't come from a wealthy background at all and have worked my way up from having very little money to my current situation. I realise that this may sound like a very first world problem but would appreciate input particularly from anyone who has found themselves in the same position.

I spent many years training and qualifying in my profession and am on a salary of about £85k. I am close to complete burnout and no longer enjoy it on any level. It is all I have ever known as I started on this path in my teens at uni and I am now in my mid-40s. Realistically I need to change, probably I need some time out of work to get some sense of what direction I should go in.

The biggest obstacle to me doing this is my profound guilt and angst about firstly not bringing in my monthly salary for my family and secondly "wasting" all of the years I spent training and working to get where I am. I have had some periods of sick leave recently, where I probably over emphasised some physical issues to get signed off because I couldn't admit to where my mental health is at and the level of burnout. Acknowledging weakness or not coping is not "allowed" in my profession. I have considered part-time working but even feel guilt about that and I would still be doing the same job.

We can do ok as a family on my DP's salary but their income is significantly lower than mine.

I can't see the wood for the trees and would appreciate any advice.

Of course you should leave, especially as you can afford it. Money isn't everything and you can't buy back mental health or happiness.

No point feeling guilty about it either - you've made some amazing achievements, but it just doesn't work for you anymore. Meanwhile you're showing your kids what matters in life and can help them to perhaps avoid the same path?

I'm also sure you have great transferable skills but you just can't see that right now, as you say, wood for the trees and massive burnout - give yourself time.

I’m so sorry.

I think the closest I have to wisdom is that it is always considerably preferable to run TO something than FROM something. Do you have any ideas at all what else you’d like to explore? I think if you can get that far, it will feel a lot less of a waste and you’ll feel less guilt. You’ll also be making that significant change with a sense of excitement and looking forward.

What do you do? Could you take an extended sick leave see if you can get help with your mental health and then go back for a trial period. My husband has just had similar issues and on talking to a councillor it's not about work it's more he's got something else he can't cope with that is making work seem worse than it is.

Are you having counselling or any mental health support at the moment? They can work with you to help you reframe the narrative - you haven't wasted your experience - but for various reasons you need to move on and do something different.

The book "This too will pass: Anxiety in a Professional World" might be helpful in working through your feelings about it.

Good luck

My DH is very highly qualified. He worked FT, then HT then one day a week, then retired completely.

He's much happier. He'll be the first one to tell you about the "sunk costs fallacy".

I've had about 3 changes of career. 😁

Step back, reflect, save your energy not feeling guilty & move forward. Even if you change career, you can still go back into work at some point. Good mental health is much more important.

Can you say what you do? I’d look to where I could use transferable skills and move into another industry. Lots of people don’t love their jobs but they do them because they have to but you sound exhausted and burnt out and the salary isn’t worth your health.

I totally get where you are coming from, and am teetering on the brink of burnout myself.
But the memories of being cold and skint and always told 'we can't afford it' for my entire childhood make it very difficult to walk away from the salary.

I've had an introduction session with a work coach, to put in place some options to explore - would something like that be an option for you?

My option 1 is a year off to roadtest doing nothing, but with interim check-ins to see if I want to go back, and how not working affects my identity
Option 2 is going part time, but I don't think that will do much more than give me the same workload on half the salary
Option 3 is looking for a similar role in a less stressful industry, but again, it feels like I'll just be taking a pay cut and do the same work

But, the process of working out options and talking through why they may or may not work has helped me order my thoughts and consider my priorities more, so might be a helpful exercise for you also?

Never feel guilty for considering your own physical and mental health. If you will be happier, and therefore, mentally healthier not doing your current job then it’s not selfish to consider it.

Don’t rush though.

Personally I would take sick leave and consider your options.

Can you use your qualifications to do another role within the same profession? One that is less pressure? Even less pay?

Do you even want to stay in the same profession or have you just had enough?

If you can survive on your DP’s salary then you could consider lower paid jobs, and your family will just have to adjust to their new lifestyle.

You may as well try going part-time. If you’re still feeling burnt out then quit.

I am in a similar (ish) position.

I work in a profession where I worked very hard for years to be qualified. I would be on a similar salary to you if I worked full time. I actually switched part time when my children were born, but have never gone back now they're older.

I hate my job, but it's just about bearable for 3 days a week. Working part-time also avoids office politics and some of the more urgent type stressful jobs.

I'm also older than you - so am going to retire next year. It's early retirement - but doable as I've earns well over the years.

Can you imagine working at this job for another 10 years ? If not, then look at other jobs you could do - and see if you can bear to drop your salary.

Thank you all so much for your really helpful and kind comments. I expected to get told to get a grip and am genuinely touched by how compassionate you all are.

I work in a health-related field where paradoxically it is seen as essential to always be "fine". I think I have really lost my perspective and don't know how to get it back from "inside".

I can relate to what a poster above said about childhood memories of worries over bills and not being able to afford things. I have reached this goal that many people I know especially from my past could only dream of but no, I can't see myself still doing it for another 20 years.

The advice about some kind of career coach is something to consider, maybe for an outside perspective. There are other things I could do with my skillset but from a burnout position it is hard to imagine taking on a new challenge or putting myself out there. I feel like sitting and doing nothing for an extended period of time. Or basically just "being" with no demands placed on me

@SW1amp gives excellent advice.

Your thinking sounds very black and white - either stay on in a job I hate that’s damaging my health or throw away my entire career.

A job coach will help you explore the many other possible options.

When you are burned out it’s easy to just focus on the short term - “ oh I’d just love a few weeks off to relax, my husband / savings can pay the mortgage “.

But of course you need to think long term as well - what would happen in the event of divorce, disability or death ?

It’s easy for posters here to say “ yeah sure , Jack it all in and take up embroidery “. But it won’t be them struggling to pay your bills a few years down the line .

So be wise and considered about your next moves.

Thanks yes I am probably being very black and white and think I've lost the bigger picture.

My original hope/ plan was to make it to next summer and take extended leave then, either with career break or leaving my current role. My parents live abroad and I had hoped to go there with DC as we haven't been able to go in such a long time.

We have been overpaying our mortgage for some time and if we continued at our current rate the mortgage would also finish in the summer. This would ease some of my guilt about stepping back from earning what I do at that point at least for a while.

The issue is I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it to the summer with 8 more months of doing this all week. I mean logically I think I must be able to and want to shake myself but I don't feel like I can.

And this thing with the mortgage again relates to experiences and attitudes towards money from my childhood that I appreciate are not very helpful.

Ignore advice saying leave. It’s easy for anyone to be a keyboard warrior.

You need to step away and do so in a controlled basis. Take leave and look for another role or consider moving roles, sideways or one step down.

Don’t throw away your hard work suddenly or irrationally.

I did similar although earlier in my career and pre-dc. I am SO much happier for it!

I actually still work in the same industry but for a different company doing a different role and I’m happy to work 5 days a week as it doesn’t feel too much. I took a 50% pay cut and was lucky I could afford to do so (I had very little outgoings).

I did however find a job I wanted to do first so I had something to move to (but then took 3 months off in between my roles so I had a real chance to switch off first). I found the new job by just doing lots of reading around online.

Best of luck!

@singlelight are you me?! I was going to write a similar post. Also on £85k and burnt out!! A big boss (my most senior stakeholder) told me off for something yesterday and that was the last straw for me. I work every night and am always stressed about work. We could cope just on DH’s salary but would have to massively cut back.

I would leave if you can afford to. I emailed my boss last night and said I felt deflated after the telling off and am going to decide this weekend whether to leave. It feels risks/ not the done thing to leave without another role….but life is too short to be miserable at work.

Been there, done that. Went from huge salary to almost nothing, but needed to do it, not least because of stress. Sometimes it has to be done for one's own good, and I say that as person who firmly believes that first duty of main breadwinner, man or woman, is to provide for family.

Your education and time hasn't been wasted, even from purely economic perspective - mortgage overpayments good example of that. Partner can pick up slack in short term. Yes, will have to change spending habits, etc. but all doable.

Be kind to yourself. If you were a friend of yours, would you advise you to soldier on or to change things up?

Take some time off, regroup. You've done 20 years at high intensity, about time you had a breather. Got a lot of life (and work) still left in you, create space to contemplate how you want to use that time and energy.

I also could have written this!
High earner who hates my job with a passion, imposter syndrome, constantly on edge & anxious but I feel completely trapped by the salary to finance the mortgage (only 27 years to go 😒) & while kids in nursery etc etc. Debating another child so now is definitely not the time to go.
We wouldn't be able to afford for me to take time out to retrain until kids in full time school at least
I also work in health and what I do is highly skilled but not sure what transferrable skills I have.
I went part time but still hate it just as much & still dread going in.

I also went to university at 18 to study for this profession (first person in family to go to uni, low earning family etc etc) so also feel additional pressure to stay for that reason, I feel like Id be embarrassed to admit how I felt & that I was leaving, like I was a failure!

I’m in the same position and same salary. I cannot seem to discuss it with friends as they’ve sought to minimise the stress and anxiety the role causes by saying they would put up with a lot for that income etc. But when you live in fear of Monday’s and cannot contractually switch off evenings and weekends as on call or constantly overworked and management refuse to act there is little else to do but form a plan to exit. I’m going to take a 30% pay cut and move to a similar role but with less responsibility client side purely to be able to switch off on weekends. Be kind to yourself. even starting to research other roles and speaking to recruiters was a little morale boost while waiting to find somewhere to jump to.

In terms of "keyboard warriors saying to leave" - I'm not suggesting it lightly. I grew up in poverty and it was awful. However, it doesn't sound like that's what's going to happen to OP?

Also, OP's kids may not be growing up with "we can't afford the heating" (or "mum isn't hungry tonight, you eat yours", which I remember all too well) - but they are growing up with "mum is stressed and miserable and unwell and angry all the time - but the most important thing is your career and making money".

I didn't experience that sort of childhood myself (obviously) but can only assume that it can be just as problematic.

Hey OP. I was in a similar position (not as high a salary but still relevant) - in the end my boss made a comment that tipped me over the edge - I went to the GP and they signed me off there and then. I would of broken if she hadn't of recognised how close I was to the edge. In the time off that I had (8-12 weeks I think) I split the weeks up. First 2 weeks I DID NOTHING. Completely removed myself from thinking about work. It was slow for my brain to stop but it really did get the message eventually. The weeks after I refreshed my CV, updated linkedin and got myself in touch with respected recruiters - I was VERY clear on what I was looking for - I focused on the company ethos rather than the role or salary that I was looking for. Crucially I 'gave myself permission' to never go back to my job.

I was contacted during that time by a company I had applied for the summer before and they wanted to meet for a chat as the role I'd applied for then was available again. The interview went really well - again it came down to me being open about what I was looking for and asking lots of questions about the company ethos, opportunities of training and development and my keenness to diversify the type of job responsibilities that I had.

I was there for 4 happy years and have since grown in my career and have recently moved to another firm with senior responsibilities far exceeding the shit I had to do for the employer that nearly drove me mad. I have learnt to manage my mental health better and learn the skills to make sure my employer supports me, rather than adds to the struggles.

I will never again put myself in the position of near breakdown ever again.

Feel free to PM me if you like too.

I'm in the same boat, I wake up sad, go to work sad, by 3pm my head is pure clay. I get home sad and can't even handle a phone call from a friend as my head is pounding mush. If a friend even tries to talk about their problems I have to stop them as it instantly makes my headache worse. I can barely cook in the evenings.
I have decided to leave in at the end of February. I can blag it till Christmas, I have 2 weeks off in January so i've told myself I have most of January off and I've told myself February is a short month.

Pick a date to leave and motivate yourself in your head to stay until that date with milestones.

I wish you all the best.

Don't stay OP, it's not worth it. Life it too short. Find somewhere else where you can be happy

I'd say you are right to be seriously thinking about changing your work life balance but I think you should try to work out what you want from your current job (I know it sounds like you want to be out of it completely... and it may come to that) - however unusual or unacceptable you think it might sound to your employer; try not to jack the whole thing in as a first step - you can always make that decision later if you are able to negotiate for less days, less responsibility - just use your imagination to work out what you would be prepared to accept - maybe even ask if you can be re-deployed in some other, possibly related, job function - don't be afraid to just open a negotiation by saying you find the job unsustainable and want to see if there is a way to change anything to make it something you can continue to to - don't psyche yourself by second guessing anything about the response - you maye be right - but there's nothing wrong in saying I am not happy with my job and explaining the reasons - say you want to talk about what options can be considered short of quitting - try and appear open minded - even try to be open minded by believing that a compromise is possible - this is what negotiation is about - you try - you work out what you want, need or will not accept and ask for it. Don't talk yourself out of trying this - I'm sure other people will be feeling the same as you but they may not have the guts and the gumption (or circumstances) to even try and ask or negotiate for something - you never know what might be put on the table if you don;t ask. Even if you negotiate something and try it for a period - you may still decide you are not happy - renegotiate - last of all - you can step down knowing that you tried your best to solve the problem. Maybe you need 1 day a week for 6 months with a view taking on more hours IF you feel up to it. I had 9 jobs in 16 years at one time - almost all related to electronics, software, project management, product development, manufacture, design and testing of electronics - most well paid. All credit to you for using your salary to pay off your mortgage and put yourself in a position where you can consider leaving your job - that's a great achievement - by being smart enough to realise you can't and don't want to put up with the workload/stress/hours, etc you are not failing - you are not a weak link or not up to it - you are being smart, realistic, pragmatic and honest - don't put up with anyone even intimating that. It sounds like a cliche but once you realise your employer often doesn't give a damn about you - it's easier to adopt the "work to live" attitude instead of the "live to work" model that is beating the life out of you ATM. You might be blessed with more sensitive and intelligent managers - I had 9 jobs in 16 years at one time - all at different companies in different locations and the range of management styles I saw was huge - the worse were middle managers who didn't think for themselves - they were brainwashed by their line managers into adopting the same old style of management and they in turn continued to brainwash, cultivate and select the next generation of managers made from the same mould - the best were completely open minded about change and doing things differently. Ask. Try. That way you'll have less regrets I think.