Guilt over leaving highly paid profession- AIBU?

[singlelight]

Any and all advice and perspectives welcome.

Before I get flamed for this let me explain that I don't come from a wealthy background at all and have worked my way up from having very little money to my current situation. I realise that this may sound like a very first world problem but would appreciate input particularly from anyone who has found themselves in the same position.

I spent many years training and qualifying in my profession and am on a salary of about £85k. I am close to complete burnout and no longer enjoy it on any level. It is all I have ever known as I started on this path in my teens at uni and I am now in my mid-40s. Realistically I need to change, probably I need some time out of work to get some sense of what direction I should go in.

The biggest obstacle to me doing this is my profound guilt and angst about firstly not bringing in my monthly salary for my family and secondly "wasting" all of the years I spent training and working to get where I am. I have had some periods of sick leave recently, where I probably over emphasised some physical issues to get signed off because I couldn't admit to where my mental health is at and the level of burnout. Acknowledging weakness or not coping is not "allowed" in my profession. I have considered part-time working but even feel guilt about that and I would still be doing the same job.

We can do ok as a family on my DP's salary but their income is significantly lower than mine.

I can't see the wood for the trees and would appreciate any advice.

Could you consider looking to do a job share? I’ve seen them working well at senior levels (I’m in HR). It would allow you to go part time but share the role with someone else. It’s becoming a very acceptable thing in most industries.

Aside from that, money isn’t everything so try to do whatever to protect your mental health and well-being.

I really feel for you, OP. I earned about that and had serious burnout/mental health problems as a result of my job.

Various non-work related circumstances including the pandemic and kids forced me to take a career break which gave me a lot of space to figure out what next.

On Friday, I was offered a job in a related but less pressurised industry, for less money, and I’m going to take it.

I simply cannot go on living like I was before

I had a family member who was in a similar position and couldn’t see the wood for the trees. She was going to go in on a Monday and hand her notice in, I said write the letter take it into the meeting but ask for an immediate sabbatical first, if they say no then hand your notice in.

She didn’t believe for a second they’d say yes because of her stress and lack of perspective but they did and she had time away went back afterwards and found ways to make her career work. The time gave her the chance to rationally plan and focus on what she could control and change.

Conversely I’m in a similar position and know nothing will change in my current position for a few years and I can’t wait that long. I’m going to hand my notice in after Christmas and try something completely different, there are always other jobs if it doesn’t work out and you need to remember the same.

I'm guessing as to your job, and you probably know this, but if you can't easily access your GP would this help? www.gov.uk/government/news/dedicated-mental-health-support-for-all-nhs-doctors-and-dentists

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but if you can afford a sabbatical, take one. Your body and mind are telling you something...listen to them! Once you've got some headspace, the issues should become clearer. And definitely take an extended trip to your parents. Easter? Could you make it to Easter?

I don't enjoy my profession that much any more - I decided to manage it my going for a slightly more junior role, but essentially the same thing part time.

I'm in the fortunate position that I can earn more in two days doing my professional role than I could doing something unskilled - so five days a week to myself makes the two days easier to put up with.

Don’t burn your life down, just adjust it. You have a degree. You have skills. You just need to find a new job, possibly in a new field.

When I was burning out on my high-powered, high paying job, I went to work for a non-profit. I actually didn’t have to take a big pay cut, but I did lose out on future big salary increases. In exchange I got a much better work-life. Balance.

If you don’t see options for where you could go with your skills, meet with a career coach while keeping your job. If you need to reduce your hours to survive, do that, but don’t lose your contacts.

OP you’ve done this job for a long time and reached the incredible position of being newrly mortgage-free. Please don’t see leaving as “wasting your training” it isn’t at all. Think of the situation as your job has “achieved its purpose” and you have “served your time”. Give yourself permission to do something that makes you happy. If miney allows and DH is ok with it then resign your job asap, take six-12 months off to recharge, then start job-hunting in a completely different field.

I’d suggest you take sick leave and spend some weeks or months purposefully doing nothing. Once you feel stronger, ask yourself what you want. It will hopefully become clearer when there are far fewer demands on you. I would not jack in your career at this point; I would take space to make the decision whether or not to leave your profession, and what to do next, on sick leave after substantial rest. It may be that there is a means for you to continue working in your profession but on shorter hours - if this is what you decide you want. Good luck OP.

My DH is a different person since going very part time 3 years ago. His earning potential would have continued to rise if he had stayed, but we decided health and life with the DC was more important. He may go back to more hours further down the line, I don't know. Don't feel guilty. Could you try part time? It keeps doors open.

I think the ‘black and white’ thinking is coming from the burnout. You’ve had enough and everything in your mind and body is telling you to stop as self-preservation. Only you can figure out whether you do need to ‘stop’ or whether you can, as someone else suggested, set ab end date and keep going till then. Setting an end date might well change your current despair, you’ll start to detach mentally.

Nothing you have done has been a waste, it has all led to where you and your family are. But I agree that your mental and physical well-being are the most important.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you. 💐

OP beware going down to 4 days without having fewer clients/responsibilities/tasks. If you have the same amount to do in less time it would just perpetuate the situation.

Money isn't everything. You're family would rather you healthy and happy.

My DH has just applied to become a teacher. It will be over £100k paydrop. The drop in our income will be huge ..less than half.

But, we have just paid off the mortgage. We have a buffer of savings for the first few years.

We have sat down and worked out a budget. It is tight. But we will doable.

Because we have to. He is close to burn out in his current role.

I'd rather have him doing something he is passionate about (he's been toying with the idea for years) than.miserable.

Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Don't leave. Take some advice, and find another job, then move. And I say this despite your latest posts.

Please don't see it as wasted years being in your current progression. Use your knowledge and transfer those skills over to a career that's less stressful for you. Don't feel ashamed. Admitting it's all getting too much is an incredible ability to realise your own limitations.

Getting time away from it all to think would be a great advantage to you, to explore other options.

Profession*

I'd leave. You only have one life and at present it's making you unhappy and unwell.

Plus you will still have your qualifications if you ever changed your mind.

Apply ‘sunken cost’ theory to those ‘wasted years and imagine yourself at 70 if you didn’t do anything. You would be yearning to be where you are now with the opport7nity to do something about it. The ‘wasted years’ are irrelevant because that time is gone. Think about how your future links, not your past.

Sorry lots of fat fingers there.

@singlelight

Any and all advice and perspectives welcome.

Before I get flamed for this let me explain that I don't come from a wealthy background at all and have worked my way up from having very little money to my current situation. I realise that this may sound like a very first world problem but would appreciate input particularly from anyone who has found themselves in the same position.

I spent many years training and qualifying in my profession and am on a salary of about £85k. I am close to complete burnout and no longer enjoy it on any level. It is all I have ever known as I started on this path in my teens at uni and I am now in my mid-40s. Realistically I need to change, probably I need some time out of work to get some sense of what direction I should go in.

The biggest obstacle to me doing this is my profound guilt and angst about firstly not bringing in my monthly salary for my family and secondly "wasting" all of the years I spent training and working to get where I am. I have had some periods of sick leave recently, where I probably over emphasised some physical issues to get signed off because I couldn't admit to where my mental health is at and the level of burnout. Acknowledging weakness or not coping is not "allowed" in my profession. I have considered part-time working but even feel guilt about that and I would still be doing the same job.

We can do ok as a family on my DP's salary but their income is significantly lower than mine.

I can't see the wood for the trees and would appreciate any advice.

Follow your heart and what’s best for your health. I think you are brave. I understand where you are at perfectly.

Hi OP sorry to hear you’re at this point. As a GP I would like to mention that, in addition to all the good advice you’ve had above, you can just phone in sick tomorrow then contact your GP in the next week or so and they will sort out the sick note without any hesitation. Take longer than you think you’ll need, turn off your laptop, set out of office auto reply then switch off work email notifications on your phone. Try to avoid making major decisions straight away, it will probably take a week or two off just to decompress a little before you can even face anything else. Sadly it is becoming very common for our patients to find themselves in this situation and your GP will want to support you through this time. In terms of what to say to the GP- it doesn’t really matter, you will probably ruminate a lot about it beforehand so if it helps write it down but to be honest if you were my patient and read out your OP to me that would be a really helpful start to the conversation and we could take it from there.
If you’re a medic in England consider contacting PHP, across UK there is other support such as doctors in distress, BMA also have advice and support, and if you’re linked to a deanery they may be able to help find a coach for you.
Good luck

Also an (Ex!) GP, just echoing what others have said - please don't worry about what to say to your GP, they will have supported many others in your position. Often if you just open with 'I've been struggling a bit lately' or similar the conversation will flow from there.

I ruminated for over a decade before I left (new career earning much less but much less stress and far better work life balance). Definitely agree with the sunk costs fallacy, but it's hard to have perspective on these things when you are very stressed. I'm sure you have a wide range of transferrable skills, if you do decide to leave. You only have this one life, and I personally decided that if I didnt give an alternative career a go I would always have regrets. I don't, however, regret my time in medicine (nevermind all the training!) - as much as I wish I had left years ago, it has been a privilege to help people at their most vulnerable for all those years.