Guilt over leaving highly paid profession- AIBU?

[singlelight]

Any and all advice and perspectives welcome.

Before I get flamed for this let me explain that I don't come from a wealthy background at all and have worked my way up from having very little money to my current situation. I realise that this may sound like a very first world problem but would appreciate input particularly from anyone who has found themselves in the same position.

I spent many years training and qualifying in my profession and am on a salary of about £85k. I am close to complete burnout and no longer enjoy it on any level. It is all I have ever known as I started on this path in my teens at uni and I am now in my mid-40s. Realistically I need to change, probably I need some time out of work to get some sense of what direction I should go in.

The biggest obstacle to me doing this is my profound guilt and angst about firstly not bringing in my monthly salary for my family and secondly "wasting" all of the years I spent training and working to get where I am. I have had some periods of sick leave recently, where I probably over emphasised some physical issues to get signed off because I couldn't admit to where my mental health is at and the level of burnout. Acknowledging weakness or not coping is not "allowed" in my profession. I have considered part-time working but even feel guilt about that and I would still be doing the same job.

We can do ok as a family on my DP's salary but their income is significantly lower than mine.

I can't see the wood for the trees and would appreciate any advice.

Take some sick leave, have a rest, re-evaluate.

There’s often other options where you will earn less but have a better quality of life and work-life balance. Could you go part time? Step down to a role with less responsibility?

Have a look on jobs boards. Consider your options: part time in same career, career switch. Talk to DP and friends about options. Save up some money. Do what is right for you and your family, but do think about all the options.

The issue is I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it to the summer with 8 more months of doing this all week. I mean logically I think I must be able to and want to shake myself but I don't feel like I can

Eight months is a really long time so keep going if you feel this bad. So please do talk to someone like a job coach. Again, theres not two options here - leave now or leave next summer.

When you are so stressed it’s hard to see that there’s many other choices. You just need someone else to help you work it out.

I have just made the decision to step back for a few years, and am lucky that I can take a career break from work and still have a way back in after a few years.

I haven't finished yet, but the relief I felt once I knew my end date was indescribable.

I think coaching is a really good call. Take some sick leave and use a bit of that time to find a coach- I would ask around.

You already have Plan A, to work until the mortgage is paid off and stop completely. What you need is some support to develop Plan A1, Plan B, Plan C, Plan D with a dash of A etc.

What does your partner say? Are they begging you to resign, or worried about money, or what? Not that you have to follow their plan, but after all they do know you and they know your situation.

When my dh hit burnout he went freelance and that worked for a while, and then became a househusband. Both OK with me although there were significant difficulties. There is always another possibility.

Please just quit. My husband is a deputy head on £65k a year and I earn £25k. He hates his job and is so so stressed. I have told him to quit and he is leaving in the summer. We don't even know what his next career will be, but I would rather struggle financially than have a sad and depressed husband. Your DP loves you and will understand.

You could be my DH, he is leaving his well paid profession and taking a £50k paycut to change careers and do something he's always been interested in trying. I'd rather have a happy husband than one who's miserable doing a job hates. If you can afford it, and your partner is on board then I'd go for it.

Can you take a sabbatical?

Many people have 2 or 3 completely different careers in a lifetime.

You could: request a sabbatical at work

Go part time and take exploratory courses (think pottery, painting, studying ancient Romans or biology) whilst you figure out what to do

Go on a week long holiday retreat by yourself with a few career guidance/finding your path type of books

Either way, you can take a big jump or move slowly, but either way, try to give yourself a little bit of financial padding if you can.

All the best

Thank you all so much for these replies. They are incredible, giving me genuine things to ponder on and your sharing of stories and perspectives is so very generous.

My DP is truly supportive, sees my unhappiness with the path I’m on so would be ok with me taking time out.

I think I need to look at the sabbatical/ career break option to give me some space to reflect rather than my black and white idea of just quitting. And I need to explore other options for between now and the summer. Probably what I need more than anything is permission to do things differently and I’ve been struggling most of all to get that permission from myself.

Thank you all so much and I truly hope that all of you who are feeling the same way will find a balance that works for you and gain ideas from this thread as I am.

I would.say you should make a fairly swift decision to either take a sabbatical or drop to part time for a temporary period. 8 months is a long time still.

You need some time away to reflect and decide what will work for you. But that doesn't mean all your time so far is wasted. For me a sideways move into an organisation with a different culture gave me my "fizz" back and I have loved my career for the past decade.

Just following on with this thread, which I started a few days ago. Your suggestions and perspectives have been really helpful and I've started to move towards a plan to get out. I've been considering asking to go down to four days for a while (there's some likelihood this might be agreed to) and maybe applying for a career break from the summer (again I don't know if this would be agreed to or not but it might).

Unfortunately in the meantime though I just feel like I'm struggling to the extent that I need time out now to try to get back on an even keel and have any chance of making it through the months up to the summer. I'm very stressed and not sleeping, either awake until the early hours or waking up at night and not able to get back to sleep. My mood is getting lower and I feel like I can't think straight. I was signed off a while back by my GP for a couple of weeks for more of a physical issue but I don't know how to approach them about this. I think I probably need to be signed off for a few weeks but don't know where to start if anyone can advise I would be grateful.

My DP is supportive of me just quitting as he sees how much I'm struggling but I don't feel like I'm in a clear frame of mind to even make that kind of decision if that makes sense.

@singlelight

My DP is supportive of me just quitting as he sees how much I'm struggling but I don't feel like I'm in a clear frame of mind to even make that kind of decision if that makes sense.

If work-related stress has built to a point that you no longer trust yourself to make rational judgements, it's time you quit, at least for now. This is not normal. If you take no steps to address it, you will likely get worse. Step back. Lean on your DP for a while. Recuperate.

OP, do you think it might be fixable- sabbatical, different hours, different employer etc? Or do you want to leave your field entirely.

Hard to say without knowing more, but worth thinking about whether there’s a way to move sideways into a role that suits you better but will still make use of your experience.

Thanks for your replies.

I agree that it's not a good sign that I'm struggling to the extent that I can't even make a decision.

The thing is I'm not sure if it will be fixed by a sabbatical or if I need to leave the field completely but I thought a sabbatical would be a good starting point for figuring that out.

I was hoping to maybe have a sabbatical from the summer but I just feel like I'm not coping. I'm afraid if I just quit now that it might be a really bad decision and maybe I'm not coping because there's actually something wrong with. me and I should get signed off. But I've never been signed off for anything like this before and I don't know how I would even have this conversation with my GP.

OP, it does sound as if it might be good to be signed off for a bit. You sound as if you’re really struggling.

Do you think some medication from the GP AND going down to 4 days a week might give you enough space to make other plans ?

It seems to me that your health is spiralling down quite quickly and you need to take action within days not month. ( I mean this in a supportive way and not a critical way ).

Thanks yes I'm not sure. I should probably discuss with the GP and see what they think about medication. I'm not keen on that idea but I know it might be where I'm at. I think it takes weeks to even get a GP appointment in my practice though but I could try to call on the day. I just don't know what I would say to them.

Following, as having similar thoughts. Unfortunately not in a position to quit as we still have twenty years on our large mortgage. Downsizing/moving away is the only way I will be able to look for something that pays less, but that means uprooting kids from school etc. Don't see a way out but just trying to save what I can. I am part time at four days but still seem to have a full time workload after restructure, I feel sick with stress every Sunday about what's waiting for me.

If you quit this specific job now, could you find another one later if you wanted to? Since you have the money, and are going to be OK, I would quit.

I wasn't as invested in my career as you are in terms of all the training you've done etc, but I did once have to quit a job in finance with absolutely nothing to go to. I don't regret it at all.

I now work in hospitality and I love it. I wouldn't go back to that finance job for any money. We don't have a massive combined income now, but we are doing fine.

I think a career break is a good idea. I would suggest considering the following
Does your company have an employee assist programme? If so get in touch with them to talk about stress and to figure out an action plan. They may be able to help you figure out how to talk to your gp about your issues. It also shows that you have reached out and taken actions to help yourself when you apply for a career break which should support your application.
I agree with others that sometimes work is actually not the key issue but it is a contributory factor. It’s also the element where more reasonable adjustments can be made so it’s worth considering this.
During the career break I would relax and then as it comes closer to the end re-evaluate what you want. To help with this writing a diary now as to how you feel might be helpful- small wins but also what is making you feel stressed. You may not be in the frame of mind to look at this objectively now but later might be.
And lastly if it is work causing all the stress then no job is worth it - don’t wait until it breaks you to leave - protect your health and your families stability - money can be resolved but a wife/mother can never be replaced. Good luck

Apply for a career break and see what happens. There are options perhaps look at stepping down a band or two, part time positions or job share. If NHS not all trusts are the same or even departments

I was on a similar wage, stopped to lol after the kids. Downsized a little.
We are comfortable after years of good earnings, why not enjoy my life?

Totally get you OP. There have also been several very interesting comments from PPs.

I too come from a relatively poor background. Both of my parents dropped out if school as they needed to earn. I recall them almost losing their home when interest rates went up in the 90s. Dad got made redundant and I remember him driving us around in the back of the car whilst he went around building sites asking for work like Boys from the Black stuff then doing night cab work. Mum working night AND day shifts to pick up the slack. She barely slept.

I’m the first in family to go to uni (whilst working 2 jobs to support myself through it). I now earn a good wage (similar to yours) but push myself ridiculously. I think it’s partly out of fear of not having money at the end of the month like my parents, however, that’s unlikely as I’m now mortgage free and am unlikely to ever struggle to get a new job if I lost my current one. DH also earns similar amount to me.

Nevertheless, I still remember the fear of them almost losing their home and trudging around multiple shops to do food shopping on a Saturday to ensure they got the most value for money, putting 50p in the metre, collecting Greenshield stamps, never going on holiday, fear of having ‘no name’ trainers at school, my dad hitting me as I’d lost a fiver etc. Although it’s irrational that fear of being financially vulnerable has never left me. Many of my friends and family are also a lot less well off than me, some precariously so, so I see their struggles and see how hard it is to get help these days.

I’m this ‘success story’ now. Mixed raced from a working class family with a good job but I feel a bit trapped in this lifestyle. Sometimes I’m really really tired and want to work less hours and have an easier life. I sometimes wonder why I’m doing it. I’ve tried to compensate for that in the short term by making myself take all of my annual leave. I now regularly take time off to recharge. I have to as I was probably going to end up ill if I’d carried on the way I was going.

DH and I have given ourselves a deadline of working 5 more years like this. We want to be around more as the kids hit their teens as from memories of my own childhood, that’s when I needed my parents most. It also gives us something to look forward to. A deadline is always good.

I’m probably not a good example to follow as I’m clearly also a workaholic due to past issues but I hope you make the best decision for your health and family.